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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling a Little bit left out

85 replies

Italwaysworksitselfout · 03/06/2018 22:25

Mil has just said to me about BIL and STBSIL's wedding..... "the family/wedding party photos are to be taken at such a time... as you are in neither category then there is a list of photos that you can chose from to have some photos done" I'm actually quite upset as I thought I was part of the family having been married to DH 12 years and having 2 dds .... Apparently not 🤔

OP posts:
PartyAnxiety · 03/06/2018 23:20

So who actually is going to be in the photos? Are they just doing parents and siblings and no extended family, or partners at all? If so that's a little strange but at least you're not being excluded. If they are including other family members but not you or your children it's rather hurtful.

Casmama · 03/06/2018 23:20

I actually don't think it's at all strange to have a photo of bride and groom with their parents and siblings and I think you are being a bit over sensitive.
If you are keen to get a photo of the four of you with the bride and groom then ask or take a casual photo at some point in the day.

As for being at a table at the back- seems pretty sensible so you can take dd2 out if she kicks off during speeches- very wise.

I don't think you should take any of this personally - it's their day

Ginger1982 · 03/06/2018 23:24

What is happening with the bride's siblings partners?

PartyAnxiety · 03/06/2018 23:25

I actually don't think it's at all strange to have a photo of bride and groom with their parents and siblings and I think you are being a bit over sensitive.

I don't think that would be strange at all, but I got the impression she was being excluded from all family photos? Usually there's one big group shot from each side of the family.

OohAahBird · 03/06/2018 23:27

My Sil had my DH as usher and my DD as a bridesmaid, I am not in any pictures except the large everyone in the wedding group shot. It really really upset me that I was completely excluded and we have no pictures. It took a very long time for me to get over it, they made it very clear I was not a part of their family but my DD was.

Daddystepdaddy · 03/06/2018 23:27

OP I thought so, when you mentioned the seating arrangements.

I think they may be making a bit of a mistake by labelling things as 'family' when they really mean bridal party. It would also explain why you seem to be being lumped into a group of more distant relations as you are being considered separately from your DH as he is in a box labelled 'best man' as far as the bride is concerned.

As such, I'd just let it slide on the photo front and if you want photos I'd say it is for your DH as best man and the groom's brother to say that he would like a photo with his brother and new wife and his own family. It may remind them that you are much closer than they are treating you.

At my wedding my bm asked to be sat with his wife and their young baby rather than at the top table (there wasn't space for partners due to venue size). If you are feeling a bit sensitive and there is plenty of time, why doesn't your DH ask for this (on the pretext that it isn't fair for you to be stuck at the back looking after the little one all on your own all day). He can still get up and do his speech.

HarrietSchulenberg · 03/06/2018 23:29

It sounds as if it's just bride, groom, both sets of parents and bride's and groom's siblings only. Is that right, or are other siblings' partners and children allowed in the photos?
If other partners are going in and you're not, then that's weird and hurtful, but if it's the first scenario then no, not weird at all as it's just siblings/blood family not the entire family tree.
No reason why you can't make sure you're in lots of other photos and get your DH in with you too.

Original poster
Italwaysworksitselfout · 03/06/2018 23:30

casmama I get what you're saying. It is indeed their wedding and as for the table at the back....we'll let's say it would be the height of embarrassment if I was banished to the table at the back.... But then again, someone has to sit at the back... THE FRONT OF THE BUS THEY CANNY SING!!!!

OP posts:
singadream · 03/06/2018 23:30

My dad's brother and wife (my uncle and aunt) clearly think this too having once referred to my cousins as having two aunts rather than three and leaving out my mum who is an aunt by marriage but has been hugely involved with them for the last fifty years! My mum still remembers this twenty years later and is hurt by it.

JessieMcJessie · 03/06/2018 23:32

When is this wedding? I don’t remember giving any thought whatsoever to the composition of the photos at ours in advance. The photographer just took whatever combos we or our guests fancied at the time, there were all sorts and people could then pick and choose whatever they fancied to have as a print. Is their photographer charging by the photo?

FASH84 · 03/06/2018 23:35

I would understand this of you were girlfriend of twelve months but with a 16yr old you've clearly been together at least 17 years and you said married for 12! You're family!!

Bibesia · 03/06/2018 23:45

Why are your DH's daughters not "family" in their eyes?

Original poster
Italwaysworksitselfout · 03/06/2018 23:48

FASH yes 18 years.
I'm not so upset as my DH is amazing. He had told the BIL and fils that he would not be part if the baby was not included. My fils would not have had it any other way but BIL and sil have many friends with babies and I think it was a sore problem.... I thought we were immediate family though?

OP posts:
MadMags · 03/06/2018 23:52

I don’t get the problem.

You won’t be in the wedding party photos because you’re not in the wedding party?

we'll let's say it would be the height of embarrassment if I was banished to the table at the back.... But then again, someone has to sit at the back...

Why??

Daddystepdaddy · 03/06/2018 23:56

OP - why is it a sore issue? Surely they can see the difference between a niece, especially when the father is also the best man, and one of their friend's children?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/06/2018 23:57

And they can't take more than one set of pictures, but have to put you through all this nonsense?
If it was my wedding, and I had these kinds of status fixations, I'd do a photo with parents and siblings and then another one including you. Everyone photographed, in all combinations, everyone happy, no one offended. Job done.
This is just ridiculous and hurtful spelling it out like this in advance. Is it the BIL or the MIL who is leading this one?

Original poster
Italwaysworksitselfout · 04/06/2018 00:01

madmags I didn't say I wouldn't be in the photos and as for the table plan I really don't know what that'll be as I am not in the loop... It was obviously a really bad case of dry humour which failed really badly and I apologise for...sorry 😔

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 04/06/2018 00:07

Ok, so only marginally less confused than I was at the time of my earlier post. You and DCs are not part of the bridal party so I wouldn't expect you to be in that picture.

You are closer family than aunts and uncles, so it sounds like they need to add one more to the list, in addition to Groom's entire wider family, they also need a 'Groom's parents, siblings, partners and children's photo'. That should cover it.

MadMags · 04/06/2018 00:10

I’m still confused!

What’s the problem exactly?

Sparklyshoes16 · 04/06/2018 00:17

Oh how hurtful OP that's rather nasty...I would be hurt by this! YANBU you are family!! Well you would be considered it in my household! At my wedding we had shots with bestman, groomsmen, bridesmaids, Moh as a group...then group shots with their partners and children, then group shots as a whole, family which includes my BIL & SIL on my side (DH is an only child) Wedding party etc...my nephew and his GF at the time who is mother to my great nephew was 'front and centre' in our pics and they hadn't been together long...just under 2 years! As far as I was concerned she was and still is (they broke up 8 months after we got married) 'family'...Even if they hadn't just had a baby! Hey ho though DH family are Irish so everyone is classed as family even if you've known them a day! Grin

I probably would say ok no probs myself and children will not be in the photos seen as we're not classed as 'family' especially after 12 years!! glad your PIL see it as out of order too!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/06/2018 00:20

The last few weddings I have been to apart from the big group photo all the others have been the wedding party and parents in most of the photos. Then a few others as requested such as bride and groom with grandparents, bride and groom with siblings, bride and groom with kids giving them horseshoes and one of the bride with her hens and groom with his stags.

PolkaHots · 04/06/2018 00:42

Why on earth would anyone give a shit what set of photos they were appearing in?

When you say you and your girls are being kept out of things, what ‘things’ would you expect to be part of?

Brazenhussy0 · 04/06/2018 00:47

You won't be in the bridal party photos because you're not part of the bridal party. It's nothing personal against you Confused

Calling them 'family photos' has confused things somewhat I think..

Original poster
Italwaysworksitselfout · 04/06/2018 00:49

madmags there is no problem 😁 I will be dutiful in every way as part of the family without being part of the family. sparkly I come from a family like yours and all my wedding photos are of family, friends and exes..... We included everyone as it is a snapshot in time and I felt it had to be recorded as such. I do understand that not everyone has that point of view. I just thought after a solid 12 year marriage, I and my dds would be seen as close family to my BIL and Sil...

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 04/06/2018 01:00

Jesus weddings are such a faff. It’s a photograph, what’s the big deal? You’re in a different group that’s all. People really need to stop looking for reasons to be offended every 5 minutes over things not that important.

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