To think 3.5 MILES is a bloody long way?.

[Flappypants]

STBXH has been dick swinging today. He took our DC 5 and nearly 2 to a national trust property this morning and was very proud of DS walking 3.5 MILES
He's a child who isn't physically as able as others his age...even the baby is faster and more able in certain areas than he is...and he came home for me to take over absolutely shattered. He was EXHAUSTED and was beside himself. Had the mother of all meltdowns and started hitting me on my face. My heart died for him all because stupid DH wabted to challenge him physically and make him stronger. DS is hypermobile, has flat feet, a genetic condition and is just not like other children.

And STBXH wants a fucking medal for it. And sent me an email saying he plans on big walks and regular trips to trampoline parks (DS is nearly 6 and cannot do a two footed jump. Can't hop. Can't stand on one leg. Can't do any of these things). I get what he's saying but he's just cockswinging and throwing his weight around and using the DC to do it. He's been disengaged and disinterested and is only now lovebombig the DC with toys and time and attention because we are getting a divorce.

My daughter has hypermobility, her physio has always been very keen on her doing lots and lots of walking. Obviously every diagnosis is different but it might be worth chatting to your physio and getting clear what she thinks is too much so you have professional backing for what you need to ask your ex to be careful with.

My dd has hyoermobility and your dh is a prick. They do need to do physical things but ones to their ability and energy.

My son is 3.5 and is hypermobile with flat feet too, and this would cause him a night of crying in pain in his sleep. I would be fuming.

How long to walk 3.5 miles?

Usually taken as 20 minutes is a mile - assumes about 3 mile per hour walking speed.
Very slow walk could be as slow as 30 minutes per mile - 2m/h

So between just over an hour to hour and 45 minutes. That was a faily normal walk for my DC even at 2 because we didn't drive and regularly walked.

DS is hypermobile, has flat feet, a genetic condition and is just not like other children.

^^ This is the main issue - I have no idea how that affects the DC child though you'd hope his own father would have some insight.

So I've no idea how reasonableor not this was OP - as that's a fairly normal regular distance for my DC.

Sounds like it was too much for him today. Although exercise, in general, will help build his strength it does need to be within his capabilities and built up. Trampolining is a really bad idea if his hypermobility is bad. You might find some information to pass on to him here www.ehlers-danlos.org/ He needs to make some effort to understand his son's conditions so he's not risking his health. YANBU

Is your DC dyspraxic by any chance? the way you describe his lack of coordination reminds me a lot of children I've worked with who had dyspraxia.

How did you STBX know it was 3.5 miles- was he mapping it on his phone or something?

I don't think it's too far for a 5 yr old to walk especially if on grass and playing for the day. I doubt he walked 3.5 miles non stop like a route march.

Any chance his meltdown was more to do with it being a hot day, tired and school tomorrow (assuming it's half term in your area) or a reaction to being with his dad?

I walked this daily twice (back and forthto school from aged 7-16 then cycled it to 18 so not long but ive no medical problems.

Each child is different so its hard to say.

I have hypermobility syndrome. Exercising helps me.

My daughter with the opposite problem (cerebral palsy) so stiff joints on one side of her body and is 3 and is also encouraged to exercise by walking, swimming, gymnastics.

Has your son been told to not exercise much etc as ive always found talking to others the more active you are the better.

if it's hypermobile type EDS then he should absolutely not be pushed in that way. it's way too easy to overdo it. gentle and moderate exercise is key, not to exhaustion. your STBXH needs educating on your child's needs

3 miles per hour is classed as a medium to brisk walking speed for an adult. A small child or most adults walk at 2.5 mph if they are ambling along.

OP is he has flat feet is he having any physio for this or any talk of orthotics for his shoes? (Talking from experience here.)

It sounds like he has decided to become a bit of a show off, all involved pushy parent with a child who physically cannot cope with it.
I would print off pertinent information on hypermobility and highlight all of the parts which refer to your son.
I would then go to my sons GP, tell him what stbxh did/ has planned and how your son reacted. Then I would ask - and happily pay for- GP to write a letter which you give to your solicitor to send to your husbands solocitor telling him of the restrictions that your sons health problems force on him. Ask your solicitorto instruct him that under no circumstance is he to take your son for any more off the scale ( for him) walks, or on any excersize programmes etc other wise you will have no option but to consider accompanied access.
This may sound harsh but your stbexh sounds like a bit of a ‘oh ima big man and I’m going to do this with my son because i know best’ so you NEED to be harsh and act fast as you need to protect your son.
You know your son best, do what you need to do to look after him, poor exhausted little darling.

YABU to day that 3.5 miles is a long way in general. I think most kids should be able to manage that.

YANBU to say that it might be difficult for your child who has specific needs that I don’t know enough about to pass judgement on.

Actually 3.5 miles is a long way for a five year old, particularly one with additional physical needs, that's likely to be an hours walk with a very grumpy upset young child - bet they can't wait for the next day out with daddy.

The issue with Hypermobility at that age is that you don't always fully know how excess exercise will effect them.

My DD's immune system drops when she is too active and she gets all sorts of stuff. She also gets migraines.

She would manage that walk, but wouldn't be able to 'wake up' properly for school, up to two days later. She would also be in general pain.

It was recommended that she used a Wii to build up stamina and coordination. Other things were swimming and horse-riding.

Her College Courses have had to be three day Courses and she now only works part time. if I didn't let her sleep the amount she does, or pushed her to do more around the house she would be ill. I get a lot of comments from Family, who don't understand the condition.

You have the Emails as evidence if this starts to get out of hand.

Rollercoaster1920 without knowing the ex, you can't come to that conclusion. Many Parents do things to get back at their ex. Or because they don't accept a medical diagnosis and think that they can fix the child by good old fashioned methods.

My son is hypermobile (we both have eds) and a walk that long would break him honestly. A short walk to build up muscles etc yes, and build on that. But not 3.5 miles.
Also trampolining would be bad for his joints too.
I think he's being unfair here, because you are going to be the one comforting your son tonight, whilst exh is all tucked up.
You should re-educate him on his condition, is he under a specialist? Taking him to an appt and have doctors spell it out might help.
Yes, exercise is important in hypermobile, but the right kind of targeted exercises on core strength and posture. Until you crack this a little, walking will be painful for him because his joints don't have enough support.

The walk doesn’t sound that unreasonable to me tbh. Perhaps he needs to build a little more gradually but improving muscle strength and fitness can only help stabilise his joints. Just make sure he is wearing supportive shoes or boots.
Perhaps you could suggest cycling or swimming as a lower impact way to improve your son’s fitness if you’re really unhappy with walking.
On the other hand, trampoline parks are a nightmare! YANBU about that!

I have a hypermobile, flat footed, late walker, not hitting gross /fine motor skills at the end of reception, still struggles with pencil grip etc 8yr old DD.

She runs 5km Parkrun most weekends in around 35mins, and we have had a trampoline in the garden since she was 2. She now goes to a trampolining club. She also swims well.

THAT SAID: hypermobile people are often referred to medically as Zebras - in that they operate differently.

Your XDH is presumably (like my DH was and lot of my/his family still are) a bit head in the sand on this - dont recognise that they do struggle as they can hide it well. I am battling with school atm to get any support as they cant see any issue. And it is only when they hit meltdown where they feel safe that it all comes out.

Trampolines are bad for zebras who dislocated or sublux. But can be a key weapon in the muscle strengthening armoury of others as they are great for building core muscles. So dont stress too much on that one. He will be over knackered but unless he has been medically advised against it it might be good form him.

How long does he have them for? Is it just a few hours or over a longer period? Does he have these meltdowns whilst with his dad - has his dad ever seen them? I agree with others keep a diary. If you need to block things later then it will gave you the data - data which might also be useful when dealing with the raft of medical professionals/ school stuff.

Has taken me ages to write this as sleep is another issue here so probably cross posting a lot. But do keep posting if I can share experience of another zebra!

There seems to be more going in than just the hyper mobility though.
So my question wouod be, what are the consultant/physio say8ngbthatsaying abiut exercise and how much/what he should do?

Even if he DOES need to exercise and it will be good for him, the first step is to do it GRADUALLY (true for anyone, with or wo a disability)
It was clearly too much for him if he was that exhausted. I wouod also wonder how your ds coped when he was walking with his dad (aka how much grumbling has there been from him, has he been told off for wanting to stop etc... I’m expecting a 5yo who has difficulty walking an unused to do that sort of walk to be hard work)

Same oth the trampoline. A very good idea on paper. Not so good if he can’t jump in his two feet. Even less so if he goes when it’s very busy and he is getting pushed around by children who are older and more able than him.

I suspect you have an issue with your stbex wanting to show off how good dad he is when you aren’t interfering.
I also suspect it won’t be the same if he is the one who is dealing with the tantrums and the exhaustion rather than just ‘handing the child over’ as he has done.

A trampoline park for someone with hypermobility is beyond stupid.
My DS has hypermobility and loves trampolining . He has also done 9 hours hiking over a weekend with Scouts before (he is 12). All children are different.

It's the OP and the child's father who would know their child best. I am wondering if maybe the OP is overly cautious and that is why the father is pushing the other way and trying to build up his son's strength (but possibly doing too much too soon)?

I would have thought this would improve his musculature and stabilise his joints.
My DC's former primary schools used to take them all on whole school walks of 5 miles even the YR at a pretty brisk pace.
I think the problem is that you (plural) haven't been doing enough with him exercisewise and this is why he is so tired.

I think 3.5 miles is a long way for any 5 yr old child.

He has custom orthotics and regular physio which we pay for. I get that STBXH is thinking a physical challenge is good. He has just pushed a little boy way too far. DS does get unbelievably tired. School days are often enough for him. He extra activities are swimming and weekly physio. We tried karate but he couldn't do it so became disaffected and messed around so much tgat even the lovely patient sensei got fed up. He hasnt had a diagnosis of dyspraxia, no. He has an orthopaedic surgeon on his team. His condition might be a little outing in conjunction with other info on here but dm me if you want to know. He's a gentle soul who needs more care and attention. I'll ask physio and ortho surgeon about trampolining.

Sorry, never thought about the issue of joints and being hyper mobile and how trampolining is a bad idea with that (can I have a stupid emoticon please?)

I also remembervthat trampoline places are very well known for hildren hurting themselves too (ankles in particular).

So nope, not a good idea either.

Has your stbex EVER been to a consultation for his ds with a physio or consultant? He seems clueless tbh.

This makes me so angry on your behalf. Although our DS is 6 he is physically less-able than the majority of his peers. He tires very easily and would really struggle with 3.5 miles. He contracted bacterial Meningitis when he was younger and the constant exhaustion is one of the long-term after effects.
I can see that what your ex thinks he's doing is a positive step in building up stamina etc but he's completely missed the fact that something like that needs to be done slowly, over time and possibly with medical guidance depending on what conditions your son has.
I hope your son has a good sleep tonight and is back to normal tomorrow.

My 6 year old DD is hyper mobile and was diagnosed at 4 with many of the same symptoms.

She had physio to get her started but walking, ballet, riding, swimming, trampolining and climbing are all things she does gently to build her core and strengthen her tendons and muscles.

The difference in two years is extraordinary and whilst she'll never win anything at sports day, at least she's now able to give it a go.