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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be over the top show off party Mum

61 replies

PartyAnxiety · 03/06/2018 17:11

So my DD is about to have her 7th birthday party. She's having it at a local farm where half her class have also had their parties (you pay per child for a set package) so nothing extravagant.

My DD has been obsessing over the party for ages and in particular the party bags, it seems to be the main part of her birthday she's looking forward to. She's not getting a big present (she was due a new bike but got given a second hand one by a cousin and said she's happy with it and there's nothing else she wants.)

She's just been really obsessed that she wants to give out great party bags and has been constantly thinking of new ideas of things that should go in them - I've been happy to pay since I had a certain budget for her birthday and due to her not having a big pressie there's lots left over.

Now I'm just freaking out that the parents are going to think we're being show offs or that we're setting a precedent of spending stupid amounts of money on party bags (people mostly do a few sweets and plastic tat which is fine).

So far we have a book each (they came from a set from book people so wasn't expensive), 3-d stickers (they're kind of posh butterfly stickers that were about £1.5 each usually but I found them cheaper. A butterfly kite thing (usually £3 each but again I got them cheaper - they look quite expensive though). Some glitter slime (can't even remember how much it was) some temp tattoos and some fabric pens. The bags themselves are fabric tote bags that can be drawn on with the fabric pens.

Looking at it all it just seems OTT (I also read an old article somewhere about a mum who sent a party bag back because she thought it was over the top and trying too hard) and I'm wondering whether I should not put it all in. On the other hand I've paid for it and will have zero use for it and DD would be really disappointed as it's the main part she's been planning and looking forward to.

By the way I know this is a ridiculous third world problem - I guess I'm just not that close to the other mums and feel a bit excluded at school events - everyone else seems to form into little huddles which aren't particularly welcoming etc so don't want to cast myself out any further - particularly because it means DD misses out on social events where the mums just invite their friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
PartyAnxiety · 03/06/2018 17:11

*First world problem!

OP posts:
MrsMotherHen · 03/06/2018 17:13

I personally would love them! go for it!

rainbowfudgee · 03/06/2018 17:13

Sounds OK to me. I hate plastic tat in party bags. If your DD will enjoy the planning then why not?

BrutusMcDogface · 03/06/2018 17:14

Wow, that does sound a bit much.....sorry op Sad

Could you take some of the bits out and give them to your dd, or store them for gifts later in the year?

BrutusMcDogface · 03/06/2018 17:15

I'm just thinking in terms of alienating the cliquey other mums.

halcyondays · 03/06/2018 17:17

They sound very nice, but it does sound a lot more than we've every got for a party bag. Usually just things like sweets, bubbles etc. Or else one item in place of a party bag.

NorthernKnickers · 03/06/2018 17:18

Maybe pop a little handmade card in the bag explaining that your DD wanted these 'as her present' so that she was sharing her birthday present with her friends? That might put parents minds at ease when accepting them. I think it's lovely that your daughter sounds so kind 💐💕

MumofBoysx2 · 03/06/2018 17:19

I like to do nice party bags too, last year we had canvas bags, each one cost around £15, but my son really wanted to do it, so I was happy to oblige. No one objected, I think it sounds lovely what she wants to put in :-)

Original poster
PartyAnxiety · 03/06/2018 17:23

Thanks for the advice guys! I think if I keep it all in I'll add a note like NorthernKnickers suggested. I really don't want other people to think they have to spend loads! Most people just do a few sweets and some plastic stuff and the kids are happy! (One mum did personalised bags but she's really crafty so it was time consuming rather than expensive).

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 03/06/2018 17:24

I think I'd take the books out.
They can be read by your daughter or separately donated to the school library so it wouldn't be a waste. Donating them to the school might still please your DD as she is still giving them, but without setting a precedent or alienating the other parents.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 03/06/2018 17:24

I think it's lovely that your daughter wants to spend some of her birthday allowance on her friends. It's not you wanting to show off, your daughter wanted to to do it.

I'm sure all her friends will be delighted. Perhaps you could explain as you hand them out "there's quite a lot in there, dd wanted to spoil all her friends with some of her money!"

If the other mums think you don't "fit in" because you gave out big party bags then they're not worth knowing eh?

You say dd misses out on social events because the other mums just invite their friends It all sounds horribly cliquey but perhaps invite one of her friends over (for tea, sleepover, cinema or something) and make your own social event.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 03/06/2018 17:25

You know YABU.

HeddaGarbled · 03/06/2018 17:28

Does your daughter miss out on social invitations? Do you think there might be an element of "bribing" the other children to like her in her enthusiasm for generous party bags?

Original poster
PartyAnxiety · 03/06/2018 17:34

Do you think there might be an element of "bribing" the other children to like her in her enthusiasm for generous party bags?

It's a good point I'm not sure, partly DD is just going through a phase of loving to give gifts to everyone (grandma, DS, me and DH etc) but there may be an element to that too.

We do have playdates with her friends which is lovely but I do notice sometimes other groups of parents will take their DC out to dinner after the school play or whatever. It's not like it's the whole class except us but there seem to be a few little groups and we're not part of any of them - I think ILostItInTheEarlyNineties is right I should be more proactive though!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 03/06/2018 17:35

I think the party bags sound lovely, but i hope your daughter knows that her friends will love her anyway and be happy just to come to the party. Id worry that she is feeling like she needs to impress her friends and lavish gifts on them, even on her own birthday, instead of receievong her own presents

Original poster
PartyAnxiety · 03/06/2018 17:35

Not including the books is actually a great idea as they're part of a set IYSWIM not just loads of identical books so we could keep them or give them to the school library.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 03/06/2018 17:40

Sounds a bit excessive to me. Can you explain to DD that if you do this, it WILL put pressure on others to do similar, and some people could be very embarrassed as they have no way to keep up with the trend. Because even with the note, you WILL be setting a trend. Why not keep a fair amount back and use them as gifts to give at future parties she is invited to? Bag + kite+slime to keep back? Give book and stickers???
Just my thoughts as an oldie....but I would be hugely embarrassed and may well not invite your DD back as a result, as not wanting to be compared! Which is exactly what you do not want.

kateandme · 03/06/2018 17:42

yes I think a notecard with a message on how the party bags are what you dc wanted as part of her pressie so all her friends could join in her fun and then play together.
will the other parents be at the event.perhpas you could take a box of choc or order in coffee and ask the mums to join you.try keep going with joining in with conversations.maybe there is one mum you find friendly.could you invite her for coffee or lunch.just so you don't feel left out.
there are sometimes groups who no matter how nice you are will be horrid bitchy and non inclusive and as hard as that is then poo to them they don't deserve you.find other friends ones to have friends with being you not performing and having to change your ways so you can be accepted by them.
the bags sound lovely.id love it.your not putting so overtop things in their.my cousins went to one where the mum put a mini bloody console in one! no no no ...

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 03/06/2018 17:44

They sound fine to me, less tat and little waste. What's not to like?

I've always spent a decent amount on party bags to avoid waste, upto others what they spend. It's never affected invites but if a parent didn't give an invite due to a past party bag then would you really want one anyway?

Nanny0gg · 03/06/2018 17:46

I like to do nice party bags too, last year we had canvas bags, each one cost around £15, but my son really wanted to do it, so I was happy to oblige.

You spent £15 each on just the bag?

DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews · 03/06/2018 17:47

Agree @nothernknockers suggestion is a good way to play it. Very thoughtful of your daughter.

kateandme · 03/06/2018 17:47

does she have any friends you could go out to tea with then?
let her know she is worthy.its in her you've got to help her feel secure.so if they doleave her out she knows its all on them and not her not being good enough.shed only be effected by this if she feels shes not good enough to be asked.
or just you guys go out.is there any other friends she has or any activities she could do to get her own gaggle of friends

AChickenCalledKorma · 03/06/2018 17:48

"there's quite a lot in there, dd wanted to spoil all her friends with some of her money!"

I understand the idea, but please don't say this. It could massively backfire if the other mums get the impression you are actually showing off that DD has loads of money. Perhaps I'm odd, but my kids have had everything from nothing at all to incredibly extravagant party bags and I've never thought better or worse of anyone for it.

I think at this point it will upset your DD too much if you cut them back. So hold your head high and hand them out. The contents sound lovely and should be accepted gracefully. And her feelings are more important to you than those of the other parents.

kateandme · 03/06/2018 17:51

p.s how lovely does your daughter sound
If you don't give the books.would your daughter like to donate to local hospital or something.that way shes still giving

Lennon80 · 03/06/2018 17:51

Do it but leave off the note saying she wanted to do it - that would be a bit of a cringe implying she was great.

My seven year old loves parties just for the bags and they are always full of tooth rotting sweets and tat so he would be over the moon with a decent one.