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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that having kids over 60 is odd

96 replies

Ineedaginandtonic · 03/06/2018 10:16

So this woman who I know through some friends is 64 and decided to have another child, she has 2 older children who are in their late twenties now..

Obviously wishing her the best with her pregnancy, I’m not interfering just generally thought that it is a bit unfair on the child how when they are 10 their mother is going to be 75 and at 30, she will be 95 years old..

Aibu or is it a bit unfair on the child?

OP posts:

eightfacesofthemoon · 03/06/2018 12:01

What difference does it make if it’s a man or woman wanting to do it.
It seems society thinks it’s ok for an older man to have a child but not an older woman- is the mother role more important?
There are plenty of arguments for and against.
Lots of people might say she is selfish. But sometimes I think the most selfish parents who have a “sticking plaster” child.

This child could have wonderful years and grow up in a very happy environment. We don’t know yet.
Who are we to judge what makes a good parent.
So many people on this site have been totally fucked up by shit parents. Age alone is rarely the reason.

bananafish81 · 03/06/2018 12:01

And just as high a chance of it not working as with any IVF process.

Statistically a 64 yo woman with a donor egg has a greater chance of pregnancy than a 39 year old woman with her own egg

Bibesia · 03/06/2018 12:01

It really is extremely offensive to assume that the mother won't have the "mental acuity" to help a teenager. There are plenty of 70, 80 and 90 year olds who could give a large proportion of 20 year olds the run-around in the mental acuity stakes.

MiggeldyHiggins · 03/06/2018 12:01

Its physically possible but its highly unlikely to actually result in a live baby.

MiggeldyHiggins · 03/06/2018 12:03

t really is extremely offensive to assume that the mother won't have the "mental acuity" to help a teenager. There are plenty of 70, 80 and 90 year olds who could give a large proportion of 20 year olds the run-around in the mental acuity stakes

And there are plenty who couldn't. The chances of a 20 year old having dementia is negligable, the chances of an 80 year old having dementia is quite high.

bananafish81 · 03/06/2018 12:04

Its physically possible but its highly unlikely to actually result in a live baby.

If the woman is in good physical shape, and it's a donor egg baby, why is that less likely to result in a live baby than, say, a woman in her 30s who's obese. Both high risk pregnancies to some degree. The donor egg baby is less likely to have chromosomal abnormalities because the egg is from a younger woman. So it comes down solely to the woman's physical health.

theDudesmummy · 03/06/2018 12:05

I had my one and only child at nearly 46. No IVF. I suppose as I get older people may think I am his granny (my own granny was 41 when I was born!) but I really don't care! (I would in fact have probably tried for another baby had my DS not had special needs). I would however have drawn the line at over 55, not because I think it would be wrong or that I would judge anyone else for having a baby when older, I just think I would have found it too exhausting!

BlueEyedBengal · 03/06/2018 12:05

With children if a parent loves them and nurtured them it doesn't matter what age you are as long as their home is a loving safe and enlightening place and a safe place to grow.

SerenDippitty · 03/06/2018 12:06

It seems society thinks it’s ok for an older man to have a child but not an older woman- is the mother role more important?

You can’t stop older men fathering children but with older women it has to be medically facilitated. And older fatherhood isn’t without risk, sperm quality declines with age, higher risk of autism spectrum disorders, learning disabilities like ADHD and psychiatric disorders. Again just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

MiggeldyHiggins · 03/06/2018 12:07

If the woman is in good physical shape, and it's a donor egg baby, why is that less likely to result in a live baby than, say, a woman in her 30s who's obese

I don't know why it is, but it is.

Bibesia · 03/06/2018 12:07

Miggeldy, it's not just an issue of dementia, is it? Plenty of people with no sign of dementia clearly lack mental acuity.

bananafish81 · 03/06/2018 12:10

@MiggeldyHiggins

Could you point me in the direction of any evidence to indicate this? I'd be very interested to understand more.

eightfacesofthemoon · 03/06/2018 12:11

I know someone brought up by his grandmother. He is very well adjusted happy person who has lots of love.
I know it’s an aside.
I think the debate is, should we regulate the age as it becomes easier to have procedures and if so what criteria should we use. Just saying you’re old, or you might not be as mentally or physically fit is not really a strong argument.

SerenDippitty · 03/06/2018 12:13

Apparently older egg recipients have a far higher risk of pregnancy complications like pre eclampsia

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/10936458/Risks-of-donor-egg-pregnancies-revealed.html

bananafish81 · 03/06/2018 12:17

Being obese also increases the risk of pre eclampsia and gestational diabetes

There might be many ethical reasons against much older women getting pregnant, but if you take the pre eclampsia line, then presumably you'd have the same attitude towards risk for anyone with a high BMI?

www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/in-depth/pregnancy-and-obesity/art-20044409

Bluelady · 03/06/2018 12:18

I'm confused. Are we talking 54 or 64? Because the two are completely different ball games. I'm 64 and the idea makes me feel physically sick whereas I'd probably have coped (with difficulty) ten years ago.

Mother Nature is a wise old bird and the menopause is definitely there for a reason. It's ridiculous to compare men and women having children at advanced ages. Men don't carry or breastfeed children, there's no physical wear and tear on their bodies. We may want equality in everything but Nature decrees we don't get it.

The dementia argument is a complete red herring. According to MN everyone over 70's got it while statistically you have a one in five chance of having some symptoms of early dementia at 85.

A woman doing this at 64 isn't selfish, she's a bloody masochist.

Jaxhog · 03/06/2018 12:20

What a lot of hypocrites on here! It's her choice!! We still live in a society where women get to choose when they have children. Why is an older woman any different? Of yes, it's because we don't approve! Who are we - the mother police? What next - compulsory sterilisation for 'unfit mothers'?

Either you support choice, or you don't.

MiggeldyHiggins · 03/06/2018 12:25

Oh sod off, what an absurd rant, yes, its exactly the same as eugenics. FFS

SerenDippitty · 03/06/2018 12:25

We still live in a society where women get to choose when they have children.

Not all women get that choice. And that choice is not just about the would be mother it’s about a child. But I see your point. Would you feel the same about a woman in her 70s? The world’s oldest mother is 70 - an Indian woman who had IVF with her 79 year old husband.

QuinquiremeOfNineveh · 03/06/2018 12:36

This woman had twins at 66, having lied about her age to the clinic. She died less than three years later:
www.theguardian.com/world/2009/jul/15/spanish-woman-ivf-dies

crunchymint · 03/06/2018 12:36

There was a woman about this age who had kids with the help of the Italian Dr. I remember threads on here about it with lots saying she seems really healthy and she should be able to choose. About 4-5 years later the mum was having health problems and said herself she had been too old to have kids.
I actually think fit healthy 64 year olds are capable of looking after babies. But an 80 year old with a 16 year old?
And I would say exactly the same with older dads as well.

crunchymint · 03/06/2018 12:38

Having kids naturally is fine. When it comes to having IVF it is no longer about choice.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 03/06/2018 12:44

Her choice if she's up for it, but unlikely to happen statistically-speaking.

Chances of IVF success 'futile' for women over 44, says study

www.theguardian.com/society/2015/jun/17/women-ivf-birth-donor-eggs

"Researchers in Spain found that the chances of women having a baby through IVF was only 1.3% in those aged 44 and above, but stood at 24% in those aged 38 to 39."

TimeToDash · 03/06/2018 12:44

Leave her to it, it's hugely unlikely to happen.

bananafish81 · 03/06/2018 12:58

@AbsolutelyBeginning that's for own egg IVF

The article specifically says women over 44 should use donor eggs

It doesn't say anything about the chances of success with donor eggs

Because an egg from a woman in her 20s is going to have a very good chance of success

The woman in question is going to be using donor eggs and has an excellent chance of pregnancy as a result

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