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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that having kids over 60 is odd

96 replies

Ineedaginandtonic · 03/06/2018 10:16

So this woman who I know through some friends is 64 and decided to have another child, she has 2 older children who are in their late twenties now..

Obviously wishing her the best with her pregnancy, I’m not interfering just generally thought that it is a bit unfair on the child how when they are 10 their mother is going to be 75 and at 30, she will be 95 years old..

Aibu or is it a bit unfair on the child?

OP posts:
bananafish81 · 03/06/2018 10:56

Anyway if this is a true scenario, the chances of her becoming pregnant at that age are so vanishingly small that I just couldn't waste head space thinking about it.

The age of the womb doesn't matter. It's the age of the egg that does, with regard to chances of pregnancy. A 64 year old with a donor egg from a donor in her early 20s has a greater chance of pregnancy than a woman aged 40 with her own egg.

Shadow666 · 03/06/2018 10:56

My parents are late 60s and really struggle to keep up with the grandkids. I suppose if you have a lot of help it’s easier. I can’t imagine wanting to do it myself though.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/06/2018 10:57

"We agree that women should be able to choose to have kids in and out of wedlock, so why not over 60s?"

There's a reason why the menopause generally kicks in at around 50. It doesn't sit right with me and goes against nature that women should be doing this. I will be 60 this year and there is no way on earth that I would be wanting to start all over again with this malarky.

bananafish81 · 03/06/2018 10:59

You can have IVF and lots of hormones pumped into you throughout the pregnancy to maintain it (as a post-menopausal body is simply not supposed to be pregnant - so it's quite a major intervention).

Most women having IVF of any age take medication to put their body into a menopausal state before taking HRT to prepare the body. Someone who's post menopausal simply doesn't have to down regulate. They will actually take fewer meds than some younger women doing IVF

NorthernKnickers · 03/06/2018 10:59

How is this even possible? 😲

I wonder if she's even thought about the future...the very high possibility of leaving a young child without a mother. And yes, I know that young children are left without mothers due to illness/accidents, but these mothers didn't plan for that eventuality did they? Nobody thinks 'oh I'd better not have a child now, at 28, just in case I get run over in 10 years time!' But at 64...there is a very, very high probability that in 10 years time you may not be around! I rarely judge a woman who makes choices about her body/lifestyle...but this is irresponsible and selfish.

(I'm still intrigued as to how a 64 year old woman is pregnant!)

Mousefunky · 03/06/2018 11:00

Life is unpredictable and I think it’s only fair to give your children the best shot you have at being around for them for as long as possible. It’s obviously completely possible to become ill and die at a young age but far less likely statistically than someone in their 60s/70s. It’s safest to have children when your body is biologically designed to have them.

bananafish81 · 03/06/2018 11:02

(I'm still intrigued as to how a 64 year old woman is pregnant!)

The embryo is made with a donor egg

Same as someone who's 25 and who has gone through premature ovarian failure

It's the same process

Same process as a woman in her 30s having a frozen embryo transfer - take HRT to prepare the womb, except a non menopausal woman will usually have to put their body into temporary menopause before they start taking the HRT

Only difference is a post menopausal woman - of any age - doesn't have to down regulate (take drugs to switch off their pituitary to make the body think it's in menopause)

Amatullah · 03/06/2018 11:04

@jaxhog because most of those situations are not actual choices and are circumstancial..women will make the best of what is handed to them. Actually choosing to put your self and child through stress and then burden of caring for an eldery parent seems abit selfish.

diddl · 03/06/2018 11:13

Is there not an age limit to IVF then?

I would have thought that if you have been through the menopause (unless early), IVF wouldn't be an option.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/06/2018 11:14

I know a woman in her late 30’s and planning her 2nd ivf child with a partner well into his 60’s. She is realistic about her prospects as a single mother and is fine taking on this role. Wouldn’t be my choice. She had a child, who died as a toddler several years ago with her ex dh, who is a similar age to her. We never know what’s found the corner.

A woman giving birth so old is worse imo. Childbirth and pregnancy can be hard and even disabling for much younger women. Who’s to say she will cope with it.

Katedotness1963 · 03/06/2018 11:15

I had my first at 36 and second at 38, and I was called selfish because I was likely to die before my kids grew up.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 03/06/2018 11:19

Are you just posting this to garner opinions for a news story? Because that's how this reads

Quite.

Grandmaswagsbag · 03/06/2018 11:21

I know a couple who are in their mid 70s (man) and 60’s (woman) who had 2 kids via a surrogate with his sperm. Completely bizarre situation as the woman never wanted a family but agreed to make him happy (despite the fact he already has adult children). They are fairly well off so can provide materially, the kids seem happy enough but honestly it’s hard not to judge when he dodders round with the buggy like it’s a zimmerframe (he’s not a fit 70!). I suppose its no different to being raised by grandparents and everyone must assume that’s what they are. We saw them out and about at an event recently and the first thing that struck my mind was actually the safety of it. 2 toddlers, a man who can’t possibly run after them if they decide to bolt, and a busy public place where there was also a lake had me very nervous.

KittenBeast · 03/06/2018 11:23

Probably get flamed for this, but I think it's kind of sick.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 03/06/2018 11:25

Surrogate, surely?

It is selfish. Much higher risk or leaving a child an orphan at such an age.
Just because you can (and I'm still confused how at such an age) doesn't mean you should

bananafish81 · 03/06/2018 11:28

Is there not an age limit to IVF then?

I would have thought that if you have been through the menopause (unless early), IVF wouldn't be an option.

Most clinics overseas have a cut off of 50

One clinic in Cyprus does take over 50s

So very possible she would have gone there

SerenDippitty · 03/06/2018 11:29

I'm assuming she will have to go abroad for treatment as I don't believe a British medical team would agree to it.

Yes to some dodgy clinic in Italy or Eastern Europe, using a donor egg from some young girl who needs the money......

crunchtimes · 03/06/2018 11:29

I'm for choice....I'm sure there are millions of mothers/fathers out there who shouldn't have had kids.....this is just one person, she might be a fantastic mother and who knows what the future holds for any of us.
I can't get my knickers in a twist about this example.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 03/06/2018 11:46

I'm late 50's and relatively fit but I wouldn't want to cope with the physical side of caring for a newborn now and I definately think my body is past coping well with pregnancy now. I think nature has a reason for designing us the way it does.

Elspeth12345 · 03/06/2018 11:51

I don't think it's physically possible?

It definitely would be unfair. Apart from the fact that she won't be around for most of the child's adulthood, she also won't have much energy for running around after the child when it's a toddler or the mental acuity to help the child when it's a teenager. Maybe if her adult kids are willing to act as Godparents and be very involved in their baby sibling's life it will be ok.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 03/06/2018 11:55

Yes it's unfair to the child. Why would anyone that age want to start all over again with babies?

bananafish81 · 03/06/2018 11:56

I don't think it's physically possible?

It is completely physically possible

The process is exactly the same for a post menopausal woman with a donor egg as it is for a pre menopausal woman with a frozen embryo

The older woman just has to take less medication because in most cases a younger woman has to take medication to put her in a state of temporary menopause before taking HRT to thicken the womb lining to prepare her body for a pregnancy

The post menopausal woman doesn't have to down regulate

Identical process

BlueEyedBengal · 03/06/2018 11:59

I am 48 and I have been married 29yrs to the same husband and I have had 6 children along the way. Their ages are 27,25,10,9,7,and 5yrs old. I had them all natural conceived and natural birth( except for my eldest who was a e c at age 20. My 4 youngest were born when we was age 37,39,42 and 44 yrs old I love being an older mum and I find I have a lot more patience than I did back then. I would have more if I could before the change but after I think I would be pushing my luck but each to their own, it's a personal choice but not for me I don't think.

Bibesia · 03/06/2018 11:59

There's a reason why the menopause generally kicks in at around 50. It doesn't sit right with me and goes against nature that women should be doing this.

So why isn't it against nature for men to have children over 50? Or for women under 50 to have babies with donor eggs? If we're worrying about what is against nature, surely we shouldn't bother with medical treatment at all.

I know someone who had a child at 54. The child is now 21 and mother is still very much going strong and in fact is still working.

SerenDippitty · 03/06/2018 11:59

And just as high a chance of it not working as with any IVF process..