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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Be honest....would you leave?

55 replies

DeepFatFriar · 03/06/2018 06:12

So after 3 years of living in DP's hometown i want out.

This is where he grew up. He goes to his mums every day. We have BBQs with his childhood friends most weekend.

Its a part of the country that is fairly grim tbh and although ive made a little life for myself and some friends, i want out.

He wants kids abd i dont want them here as it means i will be trapped here.

So this is a question for all the people still living in the region they grew up in: be honest, if your partner asked you to move elsewhere, would you?

OP posts:
TheHulksPurplePanties · 03/06/2018 06:23

I suppose it would depend on where you would be moving to, and what employment/lifestyle was like.

In a couple of years DH will most likely be moving half way around the world for me, but the benefits of doing so outweigh the con's.

SharkSave · 03/06/2018 06:24

Where would you go instead?
I don't think for me it would be quite as simple as 'would I move?' as there's so many other things to consider.

Raver84 · 03/06/2018 06:27

Whete do you live is it that bad? Could you move to an area near by and put a bit of distance between family etc to a nicer area?

tomhazard · 03/06/2018 06:30

I would op. I grew up in a small, deprived town where everyone I once knew still lives. Every time I visit I feel glad that my DC are not being bought up there because the place makes me feel miserable and is very low aspiration. If you don't like a place and you don't want to get trapped their with DC then you should leave as long as you have a chance of employment elsewhere

marthastew · 03/06/2018 06:31

I have 3 young DC and DH and I live somewhere where neither of us have roots.

Having DC is hard (but wonderful) and each and every week something happens to make me think how much nicer and easier life would be if we had friends and family nearby.

I dearly wish I had a support network. It makes a huge difference to the people I know who who do have one.

acornsandnuts · 03/06/2018 06:35

Yes I would. My DH did for me. His home town was / is grim and although his mum will never forgive me we moved only about an hour away but she wasn’t happy. He did lose touch with some friends but I’m guessing they were mates out of habit and convenience more than anything. He loves it where we are now.

HomeisbytheBay · 03/06/2018 06:38

I would leave the relationship tbh, I couldn't be with someone who sees their mother every day and friends every weekend. I need space and time alone as a couple. But that's just me.

I moved (not far, about an hour away) for my DP. It has it's good points and bad.

Zoflorabore · 03/06/2018 06:39

I would but we are both from the same place.

We have little family support and although it's a big city I still feel like it's got the mentality that everyone knows everyone and everyone's business.

Don't settle if you're not happy, it will cause major resentment and if you do have children there it would be much harder to leave if established in school etc.

Time to lay your cards on the table.

Good luck Flowers

Popc0rn · 03/06/2018 06:42

No more than half an hour away: I have older family who probably will need help etc soon, and I wouldn't want to move away from my close few friends who I've known for years. When I was younger I couldn't imagine living in my home town when I was older, but turned out I'm a home bird.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/06/2018 06:43

I also live in a place, where neither dh nor I have roots. Dh is very grumpy about moving again from this very house. I want to. But he seems to see his life here. It’s a nice place though.

BrandNewHouse · 03/06/2018 06:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OuaisMaisBon · 03/06/2018 06:46

I think you've tried it his way, now he should try it yours. But if you both have jobs you like, would moving to a different town, but still local, make a difference? Or would you both be able to move to a completely different area, with suitable jobs?

bubbles108 · 03/06/2018 06:47

My ex wouldn't move away from his family to be with me.

I wouldn't consider moving my daughter and I to be nearer to him.

We had an LDR for a long time.

When the relationship ended I was so very glad I hadn't moved and I'm sure he was too

Pissedoffinsomniac · 03/06/2018 06:52

Hi OP, agree with others about looking at what support network you’d have if you had DC.
@marthastew I could have written your post, although I have only one DC. My family are dysfunctional so have gone NC with DM which affects rest of the family dynamic, DH family is fragmented and in any case all live 2+ hours away. Finding school holidays really difficult, everyone I know has families to do stuff with/look to for support and I just feel so alone, how do you just “get on” when feeling so vulnerable and lonely?

troodiedoo · 03/06/2018 06:57

I still live in same town I grew up in. I love it here but would happily move anywhere. Both my parents and dh's have moved away though, albeit less than hour drive. I think that's a good distance.

ToastyFingers · 03/06/2018 07:01

DH and I both live in the small town we free up in. We'd both like to move away, but not massively far.

I'd have more of a problem with how much he sees his mum, to be honest. We live 15 mins walk form MIL and even closer to my parents but once or twice a week is plenty.

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/06/2018 07:06

To be totally honest, I have strong misgivings about a partner who sees his parents/mum every day. And friends nearly every/most weekend? You don't sound like a unit, and I would be definitely researching into moving away to somewhere more congenital. This sounds very difficult for you. Do you ever get prioritised?

I would want out, yes.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/06/2018 07:11

Yes I would

Regardless of what the area is like that routine of life would be suffocating but many people like this no matter where they live they don’t want to make new friends, try going to new places even if it is in their doorstep

Cadencia · 03/06/2018 07:11

I did for my DH. We met in the city I grew up in, where my parents and most of my school friends still live, but I always knew he disliked city life and would want to move to somewhere more rural. We made the move 11 years ago (when DC1 was a toddler) and I have to admit that I'm a convert. If we split up (not on the cards afaik!) I don't think I would move back to the city.

imsoboredwithitall · 03/06/2018 07:12

I didn't move. Partner "dumped" me.

summerinrome · 03/06/2018 07:14

I couldn't cope with that level of interaction with my in laws and childhood friends, but that is just me.

I am not sure how your dp will cope, but I would leave yes and certainly before children.

Namethecat · 03/06/2018 07:20

When me and my dh married ( and as he already had a house and well paid job) I moved the 100+ miles to his home town. We moved again for work a few years later. Yes it's hard being far from family but you have to think what's better for you. If things are not working out you are not forced ( hopefully ) to stay. If there is no way you see yourself having a family in that town and laying down roots then yes perhaps you need to have a conversation with him.

Tit4TatandAllThat · 03/06/2018 07:24

I would, I moved to the otherside of the world with dh. We have been here 10 years and 2 dc. We are now moving back to my home.

But as I tell dh, this isn't a forever move, this is a 'I need to be home for a while' move. If we want/need to come back we will.

theunsure · 03/06/2018 07:27

I moved from the area I grew up in to live where DH is from 3 years ago. No regrets. It is a beautiful rural place though so I’m lucky.
I could live anywhere though with DH, home is where he is, soppy as that sounds.

NotAgainYoda · 03/06/2018 07:28

I think that such a massive change would be very unappealing to him; but I can absolutely see why it doesn't suit you.

It really depends what you are used to - and I'm not used to this level of contact with family and friends. I would worry that this might cause problems if you were to have children. I would worry that he hasn't moved out of the child/adolescent phase of his own development