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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Be honest....would you leave?

55 replies

DeepFatFriar · 03/06/2018 06:12

So after 3 years of living in DP's hometown i want out.

This is where he grew up. He goes to his mums every day. We have BBQs with his childhood friends most weekend.

Its a part of the country that is fairly grim tbh and although ive made a little life for myself and some friends, i want out.

He wants kids abd i dont want them here as it means i will be trapped here.

So this is a question for all the people still living in the region they grew up in: be honest, if your partner asked you to move elsewhere, would you?

OP posts:

NotAgainYoda · 03/06/2018 07:29

Sorry. I realise I'm not your target audience for the question.

Billben · 03/06/2018 07:30

I would leave the relationship tbh, I couldn't be with someone who sees their mother every day and friends every weekend. I need space and time alone as a couple. But that's just me.

Same here. I would find it suffocating. Unless there are underlying issues, I don’t see why a grown man has to see their mother every single day. That’s just odd.

KERALA1 · 03/06/2018 07:40

If you want to stay with him that will be your life. Only you can decide if you love him enough to build a life there because by the sounds of it that's the choice. Him and live there or leave alone.

UserV · 03/06/2018 07:59

Where are you from though OP?

Kingsclerelass · 03/06/2018 08:00

My ex kept saying he would move - his home was v noisy, fumes, endless traffic in industrial area and not much work.
In the end I moved with dc “temporarily” to a rented flat, so I could work too, while we looked for somewhere, I found a lovely home, then he changed his mind and refused to budge.
We never went back. Dc has fields and woods and no fumes now. And sees his dad more now than before because ex has to make an effort.
If you want different things out of life, and can’t find a compromise, it won’t work.

VladmirsPoutine · 03/06/2018 08:06

I'd be out of there like a shot. Well done on having the presence of mind to not consider having children whilst you're still figuring this out.
If you compromise so much of yourself to please him you will end up feeling bitter and resentful. Get out whilst you can and don't be drawn into nebulous discussions about it with him e.g. "Well let's see where we are this time next year" and so forth.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/06/2018 08:21

It's a fairly fundamental question isn't it?

OK he would 'prefer' to live in same town and see his family /friends too regularly...

But would he move with you, if you said you really didn't want to continue living there?

We've had simalar issue and it came down to whoever disliked the place the most got to choose whether we left. So at any time neither of us hated where we lived

MrsDilber · 03/06/2018 08:31

I love walking distance from my mum, DSis and DB. It has been a wonderful experience for our kids to grown up all going to their nans on a Saturday and we are incredibly close.

This area was once lovely but is getting rougher and rougher and, there is a side of me that wishes I'd have moved out years ago. The area is vile, the family situation, pretty perfect.

Morgan12 · 03/06/2018 08:31

What's wrong with seeing family and friends so much? I don't see any problem with that at all.

OuaisMaisBon · 03/06/2018 08:32

I've just realised, (it's so part of my life I forget it's not that normal!) I moved countries when I married my husband in 1991 (to the place where he lived and worked, not his own home country, either). I hated it there, mainly because I couldn't find an interesting job, but we moved to another country, where I am quite happy, 8 years ago, and are currently planning our retirement to yet another country in a couple of years' time.
The worst thing has been our mothers becoming sick and dying - getting an emergency 7 hour flight back because my mother was admitted to hospital the day before Christmas Eve was a highlight.

daisychain01 · 03/06/2018 08:33

Environment is hugely important in my view. If where you live is grim, and there is little in terms of work and leisure you will get dragged down emotionally. Sounds like you are having to compromise too much.

You shouldn't just stay there to please your DP, who sounds like he is living in his childhood past. There's one thing being close to family, a whole other thing living in each other's pockets.

I moved 100 miles away to set up home with (now) DH, but we took far too long faffing around deciding a few years surveying areas and decided to move to his neck of the woods because it's a lovely area and work opportunities aren't too bad. I did have to leave behind a lot of f+f but visit regularly, it's a car journey away, not the end of the universe. DM was supportive rather than holding it against us, which helps!

The key thing is it was a consensus for us, whereas you are making huge sacrifices and compromise on your happiness and for what? A few bbqs and visits to the MIL

FASH84 · 03/06/2018 08:34

I would move but if it was a place that benefitted us as a family. If you don't even want to raise children where you are it's time for a serious chat with DP and yes you may end up having to leave him.

Inkspellme · 03/06/2018 08:37

Myself and my dh are from the same urban part of a large city. We moved to a rural location. Neither of us wanted to live where we grew up. His brother stayed with his wife who also grew up there. The contrast between our families is huge in lifestyle. We both had children. We live rurally about an hour away. I see my family every couple of weeks. My dh was the same but now sees his mom a few times a week after work as she has health issues and needs help in her home. I don’t go on those visits. Our children had a completely different experience growing up than we did. Living next to a farm, lots of space but having to be brought everywhere by car/school bus. The distance from family I enjoyed - it helped us feel more together as a family unit than we would have felt if we had stayed where we grew up. I honestly enjoyed not having family on my doorstep and dh and I being the family support. I have a good network of friends as have my children.

My BIL who is bringing up his family where we grew up does have more family support and more family involvement. When we are visiting his wife’s family stroll in and out of the house at will - and there always seems to be extra nieces and nephews there. They’re all lovely and they seem happy. Their kids go to the same school as their parents did. They shop in the same places and play in the same parks. For them, that’s one of the things they like. For me it would make me feel like “is this it? Just repeat of my growing up for them?” But that just shows you what is right for some isn’t right for all.

If you want more distance now with no children - you’ll want even more when you have children. Lots of people refer to family as a support network but lots of families don’t have that and are perfectly fine. You’re right to sort it now.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 03/06/2018 08:43

You probably live in my hometown OP.

Although we love it it here, have family and friends and cheap housing there's not much going on here for the future of our children. It's an area of deprivation, teenage pregnancies, youth crime. There is employment, but nothing that would lead to careers - there's no major industry. The main employers are the NHS and Local Government, and small one-man businesses.

We are encouraging our children to go to uni and see the world. If they get jobs here, they'll meet someone here, and as you say, develop roots and never leave.

DragonsAndCakes · 03/06/2018 08:45

After 3 years aren’t his friends your friends?

I’d worry about the whole situation tbh.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/06/2018 08:47

I think by what you have said you’d rather move. Sometimes it is wrong to force that choice

Wouldn’t you be better off finding someone from your home town?

It would be a shame imo to take your dp away from all he has now

adaline · 03/06/2018 08:50

I live in my DP's hometown. He's 34 and has never lived anywhere else, even temporarily. However he is very open to moving and the plan is to do up our current house, sell and move somewhere that has a few more amenities and is closer to my work. I currently commute along country roads which is lovely in summer but a nightmare in winter if the weather is bad.

I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who was never interested in leaving their town and trying a new lifestyle elsewhere.

AjasLipstick · 03/06/2018 08:53

I would. DH and I lived in my home town for ten years and it never really improved. We made some new friends but eventually, we uprooted and went to HIS hometown in Australia....which is much better because it's a city.

GabriellaMontez · 03/06/2018 08:57

Is your dp wonderful?

If not I'd leave now. It sounds like he's 15.

brizzledrizzle · 03/06/2018 08:57

It would depend why.

If she/he had a fantastic job elsewhere and I was prepared to move then I'd give it serious consideration depending on where it was. If it was a lovely sunny place with beaches (where I used to live) or a vibrant city with lots going on (no prizes for guessing where that is!) then no, I wouldn't move.

Then it'd be a question of what was more important, the place I was living or the marriage.

snewname · 03/06/2018 08:58

I moved after uni and loved living elsewhere. I moved back to my home town when I was older, as coincidentally did lots of my old school friends. I now realise family and friends are more important than place, especially when you have children.
I wouldn't move for dh now, but I would have done before children.
I couldn't cope with the seeing family everyday though - even mine.

happypoobum · 03/06/2018 09:08

It depends on where to really....elsewhere in the UK, no, because I already live in absolutely the best place in the UK

In other news - you do realise this relationship is past it's sell by date don't you?

AbsolutelyBeginning · 03/06/2018 09:10

I couldn't wait to leave my town. I bounced around all over the place. Different cities. Never really found true happiness or a foundation anywhere else. Thirty years on, I'd like to live there again but can't afford it! Still know quite a few people there and I would fit right in again, I think. t's got quite big too, so even some of the original complaints I had (not enough shopping) have been taken care of anyway.

diddl · 03/06/2018 09:14

Why are things so much his way if you aren't happy?

I'm abroad atm & would love to mobe back to where I was born & see more of friends & family.

There has to be a balance though so that it's not suffocating for the OH.

zen1 · 03/06/2018 09:15

I can see why you feel trapped - it sounds as if your DP’s lifestyle hasn’t changed at all since he’s been with you. I would want out and you’re definitely right to be thinking about this before having DC. When my now DH and I first moved in together, we moved to a new area mid way between where we had both been living (separately) previously.

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