For wanting DHs Ex Wife to just stop excluding me?!

[Fudgeandraisins]

They have kids together, so I know there is a certain amount of contact. I’m just so sick of her intrusions and claim on my husband, I think I might explode!

I think the main thing is that she still really likes / loves my DH, but hates and resents me. So any mutual events she totally blanks me and glares at me, but then will be phoning DH afterwards or the next day to chat about the kids and be flirty friendly. Their kids are all 18 plus but she refers to them to DH as ‘our babies’ and frequently makes a huge drama out of small things to do with them so she can phone DH in a ‘distressed state’. She insists then on phone calls and DH is guilt tripped into going to her house for chats. She has a BF but he lives far away and seems to need DH when he’s not around.

I made quite an effort to get to know her at first, and looked after the step kids too. But she always treated me as if I didn’t exist, she’d even pull out the family albums to show me and talk about DH as if they still had a special bond.

Obviously my first call was to tell DH how I felt, and after initial defensiveness he realised it was too much and cut back on contact. She reacted by shouting to DH and the kids about how awful I was, and has been angry with me ever since. The kids were in a loyalty bind and are very distant to me too. That was 5 years ago! I was not the
OW, they both had been separated for 5 years before I came along. It is now so uncomfortable that any events like my step kids birthdays I just feel very unwelcome and have stopped going. They now post pictures of their Dad and Mum all together with EW looking very happy next to my DH. To be fair my DH is pretty aware that there is a pull for him and pushing me away, but as it’s got better than he was he just doesn’t want to deal with it. One thing that hasn’t helped is that my DH doesn’t stick up for me enough when EW bitches about me, and feels that he must keep the peace with her as she can be very volatile if he doesn’t.

Eurgh... I feel like I should be able to ignore this, rise above it, and not let it interfere in my relationship. On the other hand, if I can’t even share in things like his kids birthdays, his kids are very important to him, and only share them with his EW, then that diminishes our bond. And also, when the phone goes at midnight and it’s EW I feel like someone has walked right into the middle of our relationship.

What the hell do I do?!

Jesus. That’s awful. They don’t need this level of involvement now their dc are adults surely?

Do you have children together?

Does your husband enjoy this level of involvement with her?

If it was me, i would walk away. Your never going to be in the position that you deserve to be.

You have a husband problem, not an ExW problem.

He is encouraging her behaviour by taking her calls, going into her house and pretty much telling her that her behaviour is okay. They're not small DC with immediate care needs, they're adults who can contact their dad directly if they need him. There's no reason for him to be answering the phone to his ex in the middle of the night.

Personally I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I was playing second fiddle to someone's ex.

Yes, I don't understand why he needs to go round there ehen they're not kids anymore.

Do they live with EW?

You have a DH problem, he is prioritising her feelings over yours.

The kids are adults...what on earth do they need to talk to each other for? He doesn't need any contact with her at all.

Yes we have one child together.

DH wouldn’t seek this level of contact but he likes the fact that she tells everyone including his family how fantastic he is. They think she treated him like a dogsbody. Their two kids are very immature even though adults, and EW will frequently tell DH that he is neglecting them in favour of our child.

You need to ask him which one of you he wants to be in a relationship with.

Answering the phone to his ex at midnight? Letting her be rude to you? Tolerating her flirting? Cosying up to her in photos? Being “guilted” into going to her house for chats?

Utterly ridiculous if they had toddlers and completely unacceptable as the DC are all adults. They have no reason to contact each other at all. The DC could have managed their relationships with both parents by themselves for several years.

As so often, you have a clear DH problem. He’s got no boundaries and he’s letting someone disrespect and undermine his wife. That’s NOT okay and it’s baffling you’ve put up with it for so long. You can’t change it yourself, he’s the one in the wrong and if he doesn’t stop being weird and pathetic you’re in a pretty bad place.

No doubt some wanker will come along shortly and tell you that its all you can expect having married a man with kids and they’ll always have a relationship so suck it up. Bollocks. DH wouldn’t stand for anyone treating me like this, ex or no, and that’s because it’s not bloody okay.

I have a close relationship with my eldest ds's dad. We meet for coffee, we text frequently- mostly about ds, but sometimes he may have seen an activity advertised that he thinks my younger ds may like, or I'll text him that I noticed a particular store online has a good sale for him to tell his girfriend.
We go for family meals all together, including his girlfriends children. We also spend half of Christmas Day together. We have a lot of photos of me, ex and ds. Because he wants photos with his mum and dad.
However I would never dream of calling him for no reason, asking him to come over etc. I did go to his a few times when his ex wife left as it was a really bad time for him, but that was with my dp encouraging me to go.
So I agree that as ex parents co-parenting it is possible to have a good, close relationship. But yours seems a bit off, the ex wife seems reliant on your dh which isn't good. I'm sorry that you are getting the treatment you are, we've seen both my dp, ex's ex wife and now girlfriend, as nothing but a benefit to ds. It's another person in his life to love and care about him. If I found out my ds was acting like this to his step mum I would hit the roof.

Why did their relationship split up?

You have a major DH problem. He needs to be setting boundaries with the ex, but he's choosing not to. This warrants a serious discussion between the two of you, so that you can decide where to go from here.

There's no reason at all for him to be in contact with the ex now that the children are adults.

Yes his kids both live with EW, and he has frequent, daily contact with them directly.

As soon as DH backs off EW will contact him, last time it was because she thought DD was depressed. DH got several calls and messages telling him he did not care about them as he was not seeing her enough for him to tell him that DD was depressed. DH replied that all she needed to do was text that she was concerned. EW went mad saying that why should she have to chase him, he should be in frequent contact with her enough so that she didn’t have to ask. DH replied that he sees DD very often and chats all the time about how she is. EW said he needed to chat to her there’s loads DD doesn’t tell him... etc.

So he does go round. Talks to EW. Phones. Texts. Sorts counseling even though DD said she didn’t need it.

EW then begins calling DH late at night and early morning as she wants updates on how counseling is going. DH replied that he’s asked DD to let her know. EW says she hasn’t and she’s ‘sick with worry’. And so off DH goes again. Lunches with EW. Evening popping in.

It’s a different issue each time. That last time he just brushed it off and said it was hard for her as a full time parent and that she gets worried. At the time I needed DH to help getting some pretty critical medical issue sorted with our child, however he was too busy sorting DD, (and EW) and said that I always sorted it so he knew we were fine. I had to do it all myself.

Your dh perhaps enjoys how needy she is? I'd be packing my things.

@newyear their relationship split up as DH wanted to leave. However he said it was mutual by the end. He said he though their marriage was always mismatched, they have very little in common. It began as she needed someone to take care of her, she never worked, and he was very shy, but always has a good job, and was incredibly flattered that any woman liked him at all at the time.

@anne and @emmy I admit I feel very upset my DH has not insisted that she drop the rudeness towards me. Once he even told me that it was ‘none of my business’. I was so upset about that.

That’s shocking. He’s neglecting his young child to pacify his ex wife? That’s a massive fucking issue OP.

Why is he justifying himself to her about his relationship with his daughter? It’s ridiculous! He just needs to stop picking up the phone to ex.

But he doesn’t want to does he. He’s choosing to pander to her. So she’s worried? She’s an adult. She has a partner. She needs to learn to step up and cope. Though I can see why she hasn’t ever bothered to when she’s treating your husband as if he were hers and he’s going along with it.

It’s not normal. It’s not healthy. It’s ruining your marriage and hurting you and your child.

Well l suppose at least he is a good dad OP. I think the EW is extremely jealous of you and your DC . I wonder if his other children are too tbh, or just been poisoned by his EW. You may find as their DC get older and make their own relationships and marry etc that this will cease. I hope so anyway. He sounds a good man tbf , he is torn and she is a master manipulator. Don't let her win, rise above it if you can

Mmm. Okay but on some level he liked and married a slightly needy/obsessive/stereotypical mother.
And pissbilbly still does. Work on the reasons he liked you afterwards. I'd let him have a seperate life with them TBH. You get the fun child free bits.

Mmm. Okay but on some level he liked and married a slightly needy/obsessive/stereotypical mother.
And pissbilbly still does. Work on the reasons he liked you afterwards. I'd let him have a seperate life with them TBH. You get the fun child free bits.

Bloody hell! Frankly you have a massive DH problem. His kids are now adults and given that his EW seems to have a lot of issues he needs to completely reduce contact and talk directly to his kids.

Of course it’s your business! What a hurtful cruel thing to say.

I can see that you might have put up with this hoping as the children got older and more independent things would change and he’d develop some boundaries. Hasn’t happened so I can’t see how it will. I’m so sorry. It’s shit and you and your child deserve SO much more than playing second fiddle to a woman who both insults and harasses your husband while demanding he’s her shoulder to cry on and general problem fixer.

He doesn’t owe her anything at all and he chose to marry you, he owes you respect, consideration, kindness, love, time and energy.

Leaving you to deal with serious medical issues with your shared child because his ex is moaning at him is unforgivable. I’d find that extremely difficult to forgive and get past. He can support his awful daughter without jumping wheh his ex tells him to.

It’s also indicative of the whole dynamic. He might have divorced her but she’s still the little woman who needs him and relies on him, who he thinks needs him. You’re the strong, capable adult woman who can stand on her own two feet so he’s willing to neglect you in favour of her. It’s awful

husband problem.

I bet he's so traumatised having two women fawning over him , jealous of each other

I disagree that he’s a “good man” @Mrsmadevans

He’s happy letting someone he sees regularly be rude and abusive to his wife and to make ridiculous demands on his time and energy. Would you defend that behaviour if it wa his friend/parent/sibling? Just okay because he used to be married to her?

He’s neglecting his younger child. He’s a doormat. He’s more worried about upsetting anyone other than his wife. He doesn’t give a shit that’s he’s making her unhappy. He doesn’t think she deserves more than rudeness and disrespect.

I would tell him you are thinking of becoming his ex wife also, that way you would get more of his attention, and see what he says. Tell him if his behaviour does not improve that is exactly what will happen. He should have contact with his children not ex wife. They are adults now not little babies.

I have no advice but wanted to say that in your position I don't think I'd be able to get past this:

"At the time I needed DH to help getting some pretty critical medical issue sorted with our child, however he was too busy sorting DD, (and EW) and said that I always sorted it so he knew we were fine. I had to do it all myself."

I think it would be at least the beginning of the end of my feelings for him.

If his refusal to be on my side over rudeness from the ex hadn't done that already.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, OP.

They are adults not children. There is no need for any contact between them. His relationship with his ex is none of your business. The point is there is no need for a relationship. Neither the ex or him have really moved on and their children have become pawns whilst you have got caught in the crossfire. Doesn’t matter how long someone has been single for. Numbers are not emotions