For wanting DHs Ex Wife to just stop excluding me?!

[Fudgeandraisins]

They have kids together, so I know there is a certain amount of contact. I’m just so sick of her intrusions and claim on my husband, I think I might explode!

I think the main thing is that she still really likes / loves my DH, but hates and resents me. So any mutual events she totally blanks me and glares at me, but then will be phoning DH afterwards or the next day to chat about the kids and be flirty friendly. Their kids are all 18 plus but she refers to them to DH as ‘our babies’ and frequently makes a huge drama out of small things to do with them so she can phone DH in a ‘distressed state’. She insists then on phone calls and DH is guilt tripped into going to her house for chats. She has a BF but he lives far away and seems to need DH when he’s not around.

I made quite an effort to get to know her at first, and looked after the step kids too. But she always treated me as if I didn’t exist, she’d even pull out the family albums to show me and talk about DH as if they still had a special bond.

Obviously my first call was to tell DH how I felt, and after initial defensiveness he realised it was too much and cut back on contact. She reacted by shouting to DH and the kids about how awful I was, and has been angry with me ever since. The kids were in a loyalty bind and are very distant to me too. That was 5 years ago! I was not the
OW, they both had been separated for 5 years before I came along. It is now so uncomfortable that any events like my step kids birthdays I just feel very unwelcome and have stopped going. They now post pictures of their Dad and Mum all together with EW looking very happy next to my DH. To be fair my DH is pretty aware that there is a pull for him and pushing me away, but as it’s got better than he was he just doesn’t want to deal with it. One thing that hasn’t helped is that my DH doesn’t stick up for me enough when EW bitches about me, and feels that he must keep the peace with her as she can be very volatile if he doesn’t.

Eurgh... I feel like I should be able to ignore this, rise above it, and not let it interfere in my relationship. On the other hand, if I can’t even share in things like his kids birthdays, his kids are very important to him, and only share them with his EW, then that diminishes our bond. And also, when the phone goes at midnight and it’s EW I feel like someone has walked right into the middle of our relationship.

What the hell do I do?!

Contact between him and his ex. For clarification

He says it's hard for her to be a full-time parent?

But the kids are adults? So why does she need to 'full-time parent' them? And the example of DD's depression seems like an unnatural amount of intrusion into an adult's life...how old exactly are these 'children'? I'm not saying he should cut them loose just because they are grown up but his XW does seem to be rather unnaturally involving herself in their lives.

The children of H and ExW are "their babies" and subsequently their business though. I've seen a few step parents disrespect this boundary and be at a lost as to why the ExW seems not to like them. Seems fairly logical. That said they do seem to have a slightly dysfunctional relationship but your problem is your H not his ExW. Seems like boundary issues all round.

You sound as though you've been exceptionally tolerant over the years but have now reached the end of your tether.

I think you need to have a long hard think about what you get out of this marriage, exactly what you want and what you are prepared to tolerate going forward. The picture you paint makes me think that you have become an extra cog in the relationship between your DH's XW and his children with her. As far as your DH is concerned, you and your child seem to be taking a back seat. His other children are now adults in their own right and whilst they still need support from both thier parents, they should be standing on their own 2 feet more and there should be little need for all this constant to-ing and fro-ing between your DH and his XW.

You are going to have to put your foot down hard and demand his attention, otherwise you might just as well send him back. You didn't get the support you needed over your child's health as he was too busy pandering to the temper tantrums of his XW. This is beyond unacceptable. I don't know whether this is a case of LTB or not but there must be times when you are left wondering which one of you is the real wife.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and hope that you have the strength to make your DH realise what an utter dickhead he is continuing to left his XW have such control over your lives.

Your dh doesn't need to parent the children with his EW. They can't parent separately and have distinct relationships. When one of them has a birthday they can celebrate once with their mum and once with him since they are not together. The dc may not like it at first but they need to see that they are not a couple.

It’s time to lay it on the line. Either he stops cosying up with the Ex or he gets divorced from you. He can make her happy OR you, not both...his choice which.

His children are well old enough to come to him when they want to, they do not need (or probably want) their Mum running to their Dad for every little issue they have.

IF he chooses you he needs to make it very clear to her where the boundaries are & that phone calls at midnight or early morning are inappropriate unless it’s life and death. Any phone calls are unwanted unless there is a serious issue and she can text first to see when it’s convenient to talk. He needs to make it clear he’s not at her beck and call and he’s there for his children, not her.

It’s tough on her as he’s allowed this to go on for years, but she’s being manipulative and nasty to you, so it’s tough really. If she’d included you and played fair she could have maintained a better relationship with him.

But he has to choose where his heart & loyalty lies.

...he might need to actually locate his spine.

EW then begins calling DH late at night and early morning as she wants updates on how counseling is going. DH replied that he’s asked DD to let her know. EW says she hasn’t and she’s ‘sick with worry’. And so off DH goes again. Lunches with EW. Evening popping in

What age is his daughter?

Over 16, her medical treatment is none of their business.

At the time I needed DH to help getting some pretty critical medical issue sorted with our child, however he was too busy sorting DD, (and EW) and said that I always sorted it so he knew we were fine. I had to do it all myself

Sit him down, show him exactly how he is behaving. He's probably so torn between all the demands on him that he's just taking the easiest way out right now and it has to stop. Ask him to consider exactly where his priorities lie, placating his exW or his own child who is ill.

Lay it on the line for him, he needs to get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and get his head and his heart into reality.

He needs to be a parent to all of his children.
He needs to be a husband to you.
He does not need to be still attached by FOG to his exW.

It did get to a point where I wanted to leave, and some things did get better. There was a time when EW wanted to organise kids birthday parties in our house for example, and she phoned him at work and screamed at him when he said that it was fine but me and DH would organize anything in our house, as it was our house!

At least then he shared these calls with me, we worked out how to respond together. It was stressful but I felt we were a team.

However I realised later that my DH was starting to hide the contact, and say he had to work late when she demanded he visited. And then his kids became as rude to me as she was, and I think the excluding was pretty final. I’ve felt an outsider ever since. EW started to tell DH that I was a barrier to his own kids as they were now uncomfortable with me (despite looking after them for a few years). I think that did get to him. They refuse to visit us so DH goes to their Mums house or takes them out. There’s a real divide.

After the last time, with DDs depression and EW I did have a really frank chat. But he was so defensive. I was clear, I’d always support him with his DD but it was my business that his Ex was demanding him see him, and calling him at midnight, and leaving me to cope with our child’s issues. He said I was totally wring, EW was moving on with her life and that I was making it an issue when it wasn’t.

I’m exasperated. I don’t want to break up but I feel like I’m having to fight for DHs attention, and I don’t feel my marriage is exclusive if another woman can call him anytime she likes.

Oh hun

This is probably not what you want to hear, but I don’t think this will get any better for you. They’re both too old and stuck in their ways to change - this is their weird family dynamic now

Your husband sees them as his ‘main’ family almost, and his disregard for your feelings would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m sorry it took you until marriage and kids to see this side of him/them. It seems like she will always be #1 for him, as she knows exactly how to reel him back in and make him feel guilty etc. So although they have officially divorced, it’s almost like a weird situationship between them

@blank she’s 18 years old. Personally I’m worried she’s babied a lot by her Mum partly as it keeps her neediness to DH current. I looked after DSD a lot when younger and she was told her Dad could sort out everything for her, I was the first person to get her on a train, and ask for a bus ticket etc, but that’s another story...

I was totally clear how upset I was about our child’s medical issue. I said I’d even asked him to do one simple form and he’d got annnoyed with me. I reminded him that at the time he was spending a lot of time with EW and sorted everything to do with DD, and never once asked his EW to do a share of help, or got annoyed with her asking. He said he hadn’t really grasped how important our child’s issue was and was sorry about that. He’d got annoyed as he does the lions share of earning income so had thought it was up to me to sort the rest. I said why did you have time for EW and not me then and he said that I was exaggerating, EW had only sent a few texts, and that he did it as he couldn’t trust her to do stuff whereas I was very capable. He then got annoyed and said that was I denying him caring for his older DD when he didn’t live with her and me and his child did? I despair.

By hiding the contact it’s sounding a lot like he’s having an emotional affair with her. Her being his ex is almost immaterial.

Would you consider going to counselling together?

He’s treating you so badly. It’s really bad for you and your child. I can see he’s worried about his relationship with his older DC but they’re adults and he needs to treat them as adults and he can meet them for a meal out or a walk, he doesn’t need to and shouldn’t (given how badly she behaves towards ALL of you) be setting foot in her house. No more contact with the DC there. It’s just weird.

He’s trying to gaslight you by pretending things aren’t how you can clearly see they actually are. He’s weak when he’s dealing with her and demanding and domineering and dismissive when he’s dealing with you.

No one who is rude and horrible to you should be invited or allowed into your home or your child’s home. The very idea of him agreeing to her organising a party in your home against your reasonable wishes is just fucking mad. If his kids don’t want to come and see him there why on earth would a birthday party there be a good idea?! He and she are continuing to run their family life at her house so why not do it there.

There’s no way her partner knows about the level of contact between your husband and his ex. If he did he’d be livid because it’s not normal, healthy or okay.

You’re right to have had enough. He’s letting you down so badly.

How do you feel seeing what other people think about it from the outside? I imagine it’s been this way for so long you’ve lost sight of how not okay it is. But you’re also starting to see it and be very bloody annoyed. Embrace your anger. Tell him to make changes or face having two exes to juggle.

It sounds like you need to make all of it 'none of your business'. It seems very unlikely that your not-so-dh will ever stop choosing her over you. He clearly likes the helpless type, and you are not that.

He needs to choose. There is no need for him to have a relationship with her; his relationship with his children is separate.

How old are they? Can she stop them seeing him? They must be confused by his continued present/not present, being with mum/being with you. One or other has to stop.

Welcome to my world op. After 25 years it still happens not all the time but when a special event we all need to be at happens. My DH tries hard to ignore it but it’s hard especially as his dc take sides and she even manipulates the grand children. Her partner I’d 27 years recently developed a personality changing illness so she left him but not before advising me that I was very lucky she was not taking my DH back and had found someone else. Oh and her marriage vows are nul and void as her current husband who she left is not the same person as she married due to his illness

@annie thanks I do need to again lay it on the line. Even the simple but nasty act of EW glaring at me at events but DP allowing her to guilt trip him into having lunch is just not bloody acceptable. I’m his wife!

@lhastings you are right. DH has compartmentalised it, but life isn’t like that. I’m neglected in favour, and he does not fight my corner. We are not a team. Who knows, if he’d had better boundaries and clearly demanded I be treated with respect from EW his kids might have seen that and not excluded me too. It feels quite rotten now.

There was a poor woman on here who was in a very similar situation as you OP.

Her DH has adult daughters who were babied by their parents and a needy as fuck Ex.
The OP had a child with her shit husband who had disabilities and had to be cared for continuously.

It didn’t end well (iirc).

@anne thanks we did go to counseling and she immediately said ‘there are three people in this relationship’ I could have hugged her! But DH totally deflected it onto other issues and we never got to the bottom of it. You are so right he’s weak with her and domineering with me. Except when I’ve got so fed up once I did leave. He did everything he could to get me back, but I suspect also spent more time at her house ‘seeing their kids’.

@jux that’s how I feel. Like I just want to run for the hills and be out of it. DH keeps telling me I’m making it a problem and should be free of it just by calming down. Like I want it or something. But I really, really do want to be free of it, which looks like being free of him. It’s around him! Not in my mind made up.

@pasitheaa I’m so sorry I feel for you, it’s hell! Like an anger we can’t release and a situation we have no control over! Can’t beleive your DHs EW thinks she can just have him back whenever.

I know EWs bf of several has split up with her a couple of times, and I strongly suspect her lack of respect for him is an issue. DD told us that they’d had a hilarious and fun evening out with her Mum and her BF where her Mum talked all night about things MY DH and her used to do when they were first dating. If I were him I’d be really annoyed. If he knew she’d been phoning him regularly for years, on and off, at midnight etc ?

Last paragraph... of several years sorry

I would find it very difficult to look beyond him doing ExW’s bidding while leaving you alone to deal with your younger child’s serious medical issue.

Yanbu, but he seems utterly unwilling to deal with this.

Perhaps the answer is for him to move out so that you can also constantly call him, demand he comes round etc.

He’s minimising this horribly and gas lighting you. How dare he try to tell you how you feel and that you are making this a problem. The person who said he is having an emotional affair is spot on.

Geez he should block her and just keep direct contact with his grown children. Freaking ridiculous.

He’s loving this.

My daughter is 15 years old and her and her Dad make all their own arrangements over the phone to each other. I only call him if it’s a necessity. Him and I get on fine but I feel she’s old enough to make arrangements as to when she sees him and just checks with me first to much sure there’s no conflict in dates etc...
I think your Husband is being ridiculous, and yes he must feel torn, but really he needs to start sorting his shit out. My ex partners ex wife was like this. So damn intrusive. Calling at all hours about ridiculous things. He just stopped taking her calls and would only speak to her over text. She soon got the message!

When he begged you to come back...wasn't there a conversation on how things were to be regarding his Ex.

He's not keeping boundaries and he seems to be okay with his ExW bitching about you.

This doesn’t t sound for you, I’m sorry.
Do his children have a relationship with your child?

You have a husband problem, not an ExW problem.

^ this wot @adaline said