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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What would you think if

99 replies

reddingtn · 02/06/2018 16:53

Your normally sweet DP became angry and resentful when drunk?

We don't live together and he's currently on holiday. I did something to cause a big argument (nothing like cheating or anything but it is a 'red line' for him) but he wanted to get past it when he was back and so do I.

Things are fine during the day. We text and and have a laugh and he's free to do what he wants - no controlling behaviour my end.

The thing is, at night he's getting drunk and his behaviour changes. He starts off sulky and it then escalates to accusations of cheating. I try not to rise to it as it's ridiculous - I don't go out or even have any male friends. His messages are bitter and resentful, and drunkenly irrational. He's blocked me today for absolutely no reason and told me he'll speak to me when I 'am ready to discuss what I did'. We have discussed it a lot but obviously planned to when he was back too.

Clearly his contempt for me is bubbling up when he drinks. Is it worth letting the dust settle and working it out when he's back, or is he clearly past that point? I'd like to but this 'jekyll and hyde' type behaviour is making me think he's just saying the right things but thinking something else when he's sober.

For clarity, this 'thing' I did isn't a deal breaker, but has caused a rift that has been difficult to work through while he's away.

OP posts:
Dsc1907 · 02/06/2018 22:49

I agree with @Motoko's last few posts. Especially:

"You've been given unanimous advice to leave him, as he is controlling and abusive.

It sounds to me that he has completely brainwashed you."

It is very, very clearly past the point of working things out, although I can understand that might be hard to hear.

Ditch him and get thee to the Freedom Programme to unravel all his brainwashing.

Dsc1907 · 02/06/2018 23:08

I've just seen some of your other posts about him. He does not sound normally sweet. He sounds like a textbook abuser.

Red flags (beside all the ones on this thread):

  • relationship went from nought to hundred incredibly quickly (as stated by you). Massive red flag, I'm going to guess it featured love bombing too
  • he lies to you, he has a history of lying to you
  • whenever you confront him about his behaviour he turns it back on you and makes out you're the one at fault then kicks off at you (which tbh I suspected from the way you keep trying to convince us on this thread that the present situation must really be your fault - IT IS NOT)
  • instead of backing you up when you're going through something difficult, he turns on you, accuses you of cheating, etc. "Jealousy"
  • presumably if you began spending every single evening and bit of your spare time with him, you haven't been able to maintain other friends etc, which answers the questions several posters have made to you about your comments on not going out or having male friends. Isolating you and stopping you hearing from more neutral people who may have raised concerns about him or been able to back you up.

Plus everything that's already been pointed out...

Sweet people who love you and care about you don't behave like this. Abusers do.

Women in abusive relationships often struggle with severe anxiety (otherwise known as fear). Attempting to cope with alcohol isn't that uncommon either. Abusers then using that as another weapon against them - also common.

You haven't done anything wrong. You're not responsible for what he's doing. Please get yourself away from him.

N0rfolkEnchants · 02/06/2018 23:18

Do YOU think you're an alcoholic OP?

Sounds like a lot of pissed up drama on both sides. In isolation and taking your side of it then it's clear he's in the wrong and you need to get rid

That's on the face of it. If there's a long history on your side of binge drinking to 'self medicate' and anxiety issues, then that's a different story. You probably still need to get rid but the way you wrote indicates this is more than just a one off drinking session.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/06/2018 23:29

He's a twat.

You need to not drink to excess on your own to curb your anxiety; it cannot be your crutch - but you know that and you're doing something about it, so don't beat yourself up - and don't make things worse for yourself by staying with someone who is completely failing to support you; and instead is turning into an argumentative knob every night as he gets pissed on holiday.

You can do better; and it might do wonders for your anxiety if you did. This can't be helping.

reddingtn · 03/06/2018 06:05

N0rfolkEnchants when we first started going out i was doing it more often (I wasn't on medication) but it has stopped. I do feel like he's using my past as a stick to beat me with.

With regards to alcoholism, it's a touchy subject. I'm at the point where if I deny that I am, I'm 'in denial' then I binge drink and that's 'proof' that I am. I am perfectly happy without alcohol in my life (at all), no cravings, I don't drink everyday, I am in counselling and on medication now. I think pps are right and he's projecting his issues/fears onto me. Honestly when we're both sober it is the best relationship I have ever had. We feel like soul mates.

He has apologised this morning. I haven't responded. I guess I'll just wait until he's back

OP posts:
OrdinaryGirl · 03/06/2018 06:22

What Dsc1907 so wisely said. Time to go.

reddingtn · 03/06/2018 06:24

mancmummy1414 this is the situation I'm at now. I can't explain how good we are most of the time, but I'm feeling like I've screwed up so badly that this is the reason for the 'abuse'

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 03/06/2018 06:51

It's only now he's turning into an arsehole -he could get drunk before no issue. It's only now I've done this, which is why I'm asking for advice

If you have issues with alcohol and if he loves you, he should help you, he should quit drinking himself , and support you

It's not your fault.

You need help not blame

He is being an absolute idiot here

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2018 07:04

For clarity: does anyone other than your partner have concerns about your drinking? Do you feel when you drink that there's a temptation to keep on doing it every day?

Drinking alcohol on antidepressants is not good, there's no denying that but you know that, and you're trying to sort it by getting better medication so you don't do it. But that isn't the same as being an alcoholic.

If he started dating me, would here elect new not to drink or is it something particular to do with you and your history of addictive personality, mental ill health etc?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 03/06/2018 07:29

He's absolutely projecting. That doesn't bode well for other stuff.

You both sound as if you'd be better off without alcohol in your lives, but you definitely sound as if you'd be better off without him in your life.

TooTrueToBeGood · 03/06/2018 07:41

Reading your posts i see quite a few signs that you are the victim of a controlling abuser. Admittedly, some of that requires a bit of reading between the lines but the patterns in such cases are so standard I trust my gut instinct. I'd wager your anxiety and depression would be much reduced if he was not part of your life.

Motoko · 03/06/2018 08:27

Now, I don't think you "screwed up so badly" at all. OK, so you used alcohol on ONE night, as a crutch, and got blind drunk, but you've realised that wasn't the best thing to do, and have sought help for that.

That should be the end of that, and the only feeling you should have about it, is some remorse, and a promise to yourself that it won't happen again.
Instead, you're constantly telling yourself, and us, that what you did was a truly terrible thing, akin to beating someone up because you didn't like the look on their face or something.

These, to me, sound like HIS words, which he's brainwashed you into believing.

Abusers will be nice sometimes, it's deliberate, so you think that if you just don't do anything to upset them, then you'll get the nice side of them. So you moderate your behaviour, but if they get mad about you for something, (which they will, even if they have to make up something) you then blame yourself, "Oh, it was my fault, I know he doesn't like it when I have a drink/wear make up/forget to iron his shirts" This is what you're doing now, saying he's abusing you because you did a terrible thing, but when you behave yourself, he's really lovely.

NO loveliness makes up for ANY abuse, and no matter how much you twist and contort yourself to try to conform, he will find a reason to beat you with.

I've noticed you still haven't answered the questions about your life before he came on the scene, so I suspect he's isolated you from your friends over time. Maybe if you had some people in real life telling you what we are, you'd listen.
As it is, you're not ready yet, but I hope you do listen soon, because the longer it takes, the more damaged your mental health will become, and the weaker you'll feel. But you'll remember this thread, with everyone warning you, and wish that you'd listened and left him then.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 03/06/2018 08:35

but I'm feeling like I've screwed up so badly that this is the reason for the 'abuse'

Abusers put an enormous amount of time and effort into convincing their victims that the abuse is their fault. He will do any amount of mental gymnastics to make this seem true and will exploit every one of your vulnerabilities - in this case your anxiety - to convince you.

It doesn't matter that he's nice when he's sober, because if he was a decent guy who turned into an arsehole when drinking he would realise he had a serious problem and STOP DRINKING rather than inflict that on you again. He would take responsibility for his behaviour - not find a way of blaming it on you.

How many times do we hear stories of men who hit their partners then apologise and say they only did it because their partner upset them so much? Or men who are jealous and controlling and then claim it's just a sign of their love? Or who impose rules because it's 'better' for their victim and they are just looking out for them?

That's what's happening here OP. He's trying to control your behaviour and convince you that it's because you did something terrible. But you didn't. You've done nothing wrong and you don't deserve this treatment. And I think you need to reach out to friends and family who will support you, and I think you need to leave.

Your soulmate wouldn't do this to you. You don't have to caveat or excuse the behaviour of your soulmate. There is a man out there who will love you and cherish you and support you and who won't treat you this way. And honestly even if there wasn't you would still be better off without this horrible, abusive man Flowers

LeChatDeNuit · 03/06/2018 11:07

OP, my ex was like your partner, and I was like you. I thought we were soulmates and that if I just did better, he wouldn’t have his ‘outbursts’.

Guess what? I never did good enough. It escalated to the point of physical abuse and when I finally ended it, I felt like a ghost of myself. He too said unpleasant things about all my friends and subtly but steadily isolated me. I was very lucky they were there for me when I ended the relationship, having neglecting them for years.

I recently looked back on some posts I made about him years ago. Everyone told me it was abusive, everyone told me to leave. But I got defensive and wrote about how good he could be to me and all the great times we had.

I wish I had listened then. I’m now trying to rebuild my life and he is still trying to control me. He stalks me and I’m anxious all the time.

Please, listen to what everybody is telling you.

reddingtn · 03/06/2018 12:22

You've all given me a lot to think about. Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
reddingtn · 03/06/2018 19:33

He's apologising. A lot. I haven't replied but what do I do?

OP posts:
Bobbybear10 · 03/06/2018 19:51

I would kindly suggest you tell him to fuck right off.

He isn’t a nice person.

It will get worse and you will spend the next x amount of years blaming yourself or making excuses for him.

Having issues around alcohol doesn’t give you the right to dictate how others live. If he can’t cope with people drinking around him then he needs to go to therapy and fix his own issues.

I may sound harsh but I had an awful childhood with an alcoholic parent and I mean really awful!
I would never expect people to not drink around me! I don’t drink myself but I am reasonable enough to know not everyone is an undercover alcoholic ready to pounce as soon as a hint of wine passes their lips.

He is using this ‘bad experience’ of alcoholism to control you and is now using you having a drink as a stick to beat you with.

I imagine he is getting a fair amount of pleasure from the berating he is giving you. If you take a step back I’m sure you can see he is playing with you, making you work for his ‘forgiveness’ over something that doesn’t need to be forgiven.

Bottom line he is a controlling bully and it will only get worse the longer you allow yourself to be controlled by him.

eightfacesofthemoon · 03/06/2018 19:58

Nothing we tell you is going to change how you react. Until you know in yourself what you need to do for yourself. No words of advice will help you.
Sit and think truly deep down about what you want in life. I mean properly. Not just superficially

Meeep · 03/06/2018 20:05

He doesn't sound like he will make your anxiety any better in the long term.

Juells · 03/06/2018 20:10

Will he be able to see that you've read his messages? If so, that's as good as a reply, he'll get satisfaction from that. Block him so you don't see the messages. He doesn't mind blocking you, return the favour.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/06/2018 20:22

I'm feeling like I've screwed up so badly that this is the reason for the 'abuse'

Can you give me one single example of ANY kind of behaviour that would justify abuse?

No?

That's because there isn't one. It wouldn't matter if you'd got falling down drunk, slept with his best friend, run over his dog and assaulted his mother - that's no reason to abuse you. He could just have said that the relationship wasn't working, or even just left you. But he wants a reason to be able to insult you. To keep you down. So that you will be just so grateful when he stops and says he will 'try to love you again'.

You're being set up to fail, OP. Ignore his messages. He's over. Let him find someone else to beat up with his own failings.

brizzledrizzle · 03/06/2018 20:27

Your normally sweet DP became angry and resentful when drunk?

That he's an idiot. I'd have to rethink whether the relationship was still worth continuing with.

I did something to cause a big argument (nothing like cheating or anything but it is a 'red line' for him) but he wanted to get past it when he was back and so do I.

It takes two to argue.

He starts off sulky and it then escalates to accusations of cheating.

I'd think that was classic signs of a person with the potential to be abusive.

I don't go out or even have any male friends.

What would his reaction be if you did?

He's blocked me today for absolutely no reason and told me he'll speak to me when I 'am ready to discuss what I did'

He's a controlling arse would be my thoughts at that point.

For clarity, this 'thing' I did isn't a deal breaker, but has caused a rift that has been difficult to work through while he's away.

Whatever it is you did might not be a deal breaker for him but is his reaction to it a deal breaker for you? It's not all about him you know.

reddingtn · 04/06/2018 13:17

I have counselling tomorrow. What do I say? I don't think he's normally abusive - it's my choice not to drink and his life.

OP posts:
Juells · 04/06/2018 13:53

Exactly what you've said here. It's obvious to outsiders what's going on. You're too close to the situation to be able to see it for what it is.

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