Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

What would you think if

99 replies

reddingtn · 02/06/2018 16:53

Your normally sweet DP became angry and resentful when drunk?

We don't live together and he's currently on holiday. I did something to cause a big argument (nothing like cheating or anything but it is a 'red line' for him) but he wanted to get past it when he was back and so do I.

Things are fine during the day. We text and and have a laugh and he's free to do what he wants - no controlling behaviour my end.

The thing is, at night he's getting drunk and his behaviour changes. He starts off sulky and it then escalates to accusations of cheating. I try not to rise to it as it's ridiculous - I don't go out or even have any male friends. His messages are bitter and resentful, and drunkenly irrational. He's blocked me today for absolutely no reason and told me he'll speak to me when I 'am ready to discuss what I did'. We have discussed it a lot but obviously planned to when he was back too.

Clearly his contempt for me is bubbling up when he drinks. Is it worth letting the dust settle and working it out when he's back, or is he clearly past that point? I'd like to but this 'jekyll and hyde' type behaviour is making me think he's just saying the right things but thinking something else when he's sober.

For clarity, this 'thing' I did isn't a deal breaker, but has caused a rift that has been difficult to work through while he's away.

OP posts:

shelentei · 02/06/2018 17:20

Run. Far away.

Raffles1981 · 02/06/2018 17:20

Yep, arsehole. Controlling, abusive twat. How dare he get drunk and then go at you for drinking? He is not helping you with your stress. He's making you worse and will no doubt push your buttons until you do it again. And then it all starts again.

Blueemeraldagain · 02/06/2018 17:22

He has repeatedly got drunk and had a go at you for drinking once? How do you not laugh in his face? Tell him to fuck off.

Original poster

reddingtn · 02/06/2018 17:28

I don't want to minimise my own behaviour. If I drink, it's at home alone, to curb my anxiety. It is to excess - not just 'a drink'. I fully admit its not healthy but ive finally found antidepressants that seem to be helping. when I go out to a pub I am quite happy drinking soft drinks. He drinks 'socially' but not at home, and when he goes out drinking he won't come back til the early hours, incoherent. I don't want to use alcohol but atm it's the only thing that helps during these rare episodes; that's why I'm going to the gp next week

OP posts:

kimlo · 02/06/2018 17:33

no it's not healthy, but it's not the end of the world either. He should be supporting you, not laying on the guilt.

And what he is doing is even less healthy.

happypoobum · 02/06/2018 17:36

He is an arse.

Get rid of him and I suspect your anxiety will improve tremendously

lalalalyra · 02/06/2018 17:36

Being angry when someone you love puts themselves in danger is understandable.

Treating them like shit as a result of it - especially in such a hyppcritical way - isn't acceptable.

Gouldengirl9 · 02/06/2018 17:37

A person's true colours show up when drunk.
You made an error you apologized he doesn't seem to want to forgive or forget.
You need someone who will support you dump him hes an hipocrite.

JustVent · 02/06/2018 17:39

You’re not minimising your situation. What you’re doing is making excuses for his.

He’s worn you down and made you feel like this is all your fault.

Even if you got blind drunk and were sick, it does not give him the excuse to treat you the way he’s treating you or control you in the way that he’s controlling you.

Dsc1907 · 02/06/2018 17:41

There's nothing here to "work through" or for you to even apologise for. He's kicking off because he's controlling and abusive. If this was genuinely about alcohol (rather than controlling and demeaning you) he wouldn't drink himself and he wouldn't be rolling out the classic ol' lines accusing you of "cheating".

You already mentioned you don't have male friends and don't go out. Why is that? Does he have form for jealousy? The purpose of kicking off and accusing you of cheating with all and sundry is to limit your social circle, restrict your movements, and isolate you. So that he has complete control of you.

You're going to great lengths to try and reassure us that you deserve blame and responsibility to fall on you for this. Why? Does he expect that of you? Nothing you've done here would remotely justify his behaviour.

You don't mention the cause of your anxiety. I was diagnosed with anxiety. Turned out to be because I lived with someone who was often terrifying, and always unpredictable, whose hobbies included putting me down and blaming me for his own appalling behaviour. He also used alcohol as his excuse to kick off and do what he'd been working himself up to do all day. I've since had quite the education in abusive behaviour.

In summary, I think you are spot on when you label this as his contempt for you being revealed. Somebody who is genuinely a lovely person and genuinely loves you would not treat you this way. He won't change. You deserve better. Normal people don't behave the way he is.

LeChatDeNuit · 02/06/2018 17:46

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s a controlling twat.

I would run a mile from any man who became nasty when drunk. I suggest you do, too.

Original poster

reddingtn · 02/06/2018 17:46

Why is everyone on my side? My drinking (at home, alone, using it to sleep etc) is unhealthy. It is or could be a slippery slope to alcoholism, which is what he is afraid of. I am not defending him but I am under no illusions either. Where are the vipers?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 02/06/2018 17:48

Everyone is on your side because your dp sounds very unreasonable

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 02/06/2018 17:48

Your post of 17:10 is incorrect based on your post immediately before. He is being a dick. If he can drink to excess then you can too.

LeChatDeNuit · 02/06/2018 17:50

Men like this have a way of making you feel in the wrong for perceived slights. My guess is that’s what he’s doing with you. Last week it was because he thought you were cheating, this week it’s because you had alcohol. What will it be next week?

It will grind you down, OP. I speak from experience.

Everybody here is telling you his behaviour is abusive. It’s because it’s true.

JustVent · 02/06/2018 17:54

We are on your side because we can blindingly see what you can’t or don’t want to see.

What IS the issue here which is way more important is that he is a controlling bastard who is gaslighting you into thinking things are your fault.
And he even accuses you of cheating?!

LEAVE THE BASTARD.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/06/2018 17:56

Your drinking at home is unhealthy. Fortunately it appears you realise this and are taking steps to address it through the GP. You're not hiding from yourself and, more to the point, you're not being a massive hypocrite about it - unless you've missed off the bit where you verbally attack your partner when you've had a few?

Original poster

reddingtn · 02/06/2018 18:22

I have done in the past but not for a long time. He has called me an alcoholic in the last few days; that really hurt. Just because I drank once. It's tough finding the line between taking responsibility and making excuses for someone else.

OP posts:

Raffles1981 · 02/06/2018 18:23

Because some of us have been there (my ex-husband was a gaslighter) and we can all see how unreasonable he is being. You are aware you have an issue, you are doing something about. Why isn't he supporting you? Why is he instead dragging you down. And accusing you of other things?

Timeissliplingaway · 02/06/2018 18:30

So he's annoyed at you for getting "too drunk" because of problems he has witnessed in his family, so every night while he is out binge drinking he is giving you a hard time over it? Sounds hypocritical to me.

Flexoset · 02/06/2018 18:31

It does sound as if both of you have a problem with alcohol. Just because it's episodic rather than constant doesn't mean it's not a problem.

You are acknowledging and working on yours (and he is banging on about yours) but neither of you is acknowledging his.

bubbles108 · 02/06/2018 18:35

It is or could be a slippery slope to alcoholism, which is what he is afraid of.

Then if he loves you he needs to help you by not drinking himself and being caring and supportive.

WombOfOnesOwn · 02/06/2018 18:38

Did you have no male friends and never go out BEFORE this relationship started, or were these also "red lines" that you've now been taught not to cross?

MorelloKisses · 02/06/2018 18:49

You need to really think about this carefully and listen to what everyone is saying.

You drinking to excess, at home and alone is unhealthy. You appear to know this and be very down on yourself for having done it. He is entitled to an opinion on it, of course. However, his drinking to excess, regularly, is hypocritical and makes a mockery of his so called red line. His abusing you via text, making you feel bad is absolutely not on, regardless.

He sounds like an arsehole and you sound a bit vulnerable.

eightfacesofthemoon · 02/06/2018 18:54

How often do you get smashed out of your face to deal with your anxiety. How does it impact on your life, how does it impact on his life?

Flip

1 2 3 4