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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you think if

99 replies

reddingtn · 02/06/2018 16:53

Your normally sweet DP became angry and resentful when drunk?

We don't live together and he's currently on holiday. I did something to cause a big argument (nothing like cheating or anything but it is a 'red line' for him) but he wanted to get past it when he was back and so do I.

Things are fine during the day. We text and and have a laugh and he's free to do what he wants - no controlling behaviour my end.

The thing is, at night he's getting drunk and his behaviour changes. He starts off sulky and it then escalates to accusations of cheating. I try not to rise to it as it's ridiculous - I don't go out or even have any male friends. His messages are bitter and resentful, and drunkenly irrational. He's blocked me today for absolutely no reason and told me he'll speak to me when I 'am ready to discuss what I did'. We have discussed it a lot but obviously planned to when he was back too.

Clearly his contempt for me is bubbling up when he drinks. Is it worth letting the dust settle and working it out when he's back, or is he clearly past that point? I'd like to but this 'jekyll and hyde' type behaviour is making me think he's just saying the right things but thinking something else when he's sober.

For clarity, this 'thing' I did isn't a deal breaker, but has caused a rift that has been difficult to work through while he's away.

OP posts:

MuddyForestWalks · 02/06/2018 19:03

If he's turning into a total arsehole when he drinks, and goes out and drinks so much he gets utterly smashed, then its fair to say he's followed in the family footsteps and has an alcohol problem. He's doing the thing that cheaters and abusers do, accusing you of that which he is guilty of.

You don't even live with him. You have nothing to lose if you cut your losses, walk away, and concentrate on your own wellbeing.

Blueemeraldagain · 02/06/2018 19:16

I had an ex who drank too much on occasion. He used it as a crutch (to stop his previous illegal drug addiction). It took a long time and a lot of emotional suppression to “help” him quit (I use “ “ because you can’t really help an addict quit, they have to want to but you can definitely hinder). Shouting at, shaming (calling you an alcoholic) and ignoring would have only made things much, much harder for him.

Blueemeraldagain · 02/06/2018 19:19

Btw, my ex and I broke up nearly 6 years ago and he’s now (approximately) 10 years sober not a drop even on his wedding day.

thedevilinablackdress · 02/06/2018 19:27

So he shows his concern about your potentially problematic drinking by getting drunk and abusing you?

Nope. Hard nope.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 02/06/2018 20:14

Another voice saying it’s so hypocritical as to be borderline comical. LTB.

Worriedsick12 · 02/06/2018 20:17

Wait... so he's allowed to get drunk and send you abusive messages and block you etc etc but if you drink to excess at home it's a red line for him?

I don't think there is any excusing this hypocritical, controlling behaviour. Maybe it isn't super healthy for you to self medicate through drinking but he should be supporting you not aggressively criticising you. And he certainly shouldn't have one rule for you and another for him.

This would be the end for me - he is showing you who he is and I think you should listen

CloudCaptain · 02/06/2018 20:19

Storminateapot · 02/06/2018 20:25

You had too much to drink and harmed nobody (probably gave your liver a shock but...). Did you text abusive things to him or anyone else? Do something terrible you are ashamed of?

Struggling to cope with anxiety is not something to be ashamed of and no, self-medicating with alcohol isn't great, but it's hardly shooting up in an alleyway either is it?

The hypocrisy of him getting shitfaced and making mad accusations about 'what you did' ie nothing that's anything of his damn business, you being a grown woman & all, is astounding,

I'd tell him he and his judgemental attitude can fuck right off. How about a bit of loving support through whatever is making you so anxious rather than condemnatory, self-righteous & hypocritical judgement? What an absolute cock.

Apileofballyhoo · 02/06/2018 20:33

His behaviour doesn't sound normal. I also think running fast would be a good idea.

Poodletip · 02/06/2018 20:50

Run for the hills!

Original poster

reddingtn · 02/06/2018 20:58

This is interesting. I have for so long felt guilty about drinking in any form, that any time it is highlighted I have felt (and have been called) an alcoholic.

To clarify, I have been told by various counsellors that I am probably not an alcoholic. The problem arises in that if you deny it then you are 'in denial' and everything you say is discredited.

OP posts:

Original poster

reddingtn · 02/06/2018 21:07

It's only now he's turning into an arsehole -he could get drunk before no issue. It's only now I've done this, which is why I'm asking for advice

OP posts:

Motoko · 02/06/2018 21:08

Please answer pps questions. Did you have any male friends before you started seeing him, and did you go out before you were with him?

MuddyForestWalks · 02/06/2018 21:08

But how long have you been together? I suspect you have both been on your 'best behaviour' until now.

Motoko · 02/06/2018 21:10

You've been given unanimous advice to leave him, as he is controlling and abusive.

It sounds to me that he has completely brainwashed you.

FlixFlax · 02/06/2018 21:14

Does he realise how hypocritical he's being? You drank at home you didn't shag all his mates and send him a video ffs.

This isn't even a thing he using it as an excuse to have a go. I'd dump him asap.

LeChatDeNuit · 02/06/2018 21:16

OP, I’ve just had a look at your posting history and this isn’t the first time you’ve posted about your DP’s unpleasant behaviour.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

keyboardkate · 02/06/2018 21:17

Maybe your partner's behaviour is a contributory factor to the anxiety you feel? Are you always waiting for the next explosion or anything?

Either way, this does not sound like a healthy relationship for either side. Alcohol is involved on both sides. Don't beat yourself up, but ask yourself if you need the trauma of these kind of judgmental outbursts at a time in your life when you are trying to crack your problems head on yourself.

Best of luck. I'd ditch him honestly, he is not helping you at all and you sound vulnerable. I mean that in the nicest possible way, but when you are dealing with mental health issues like extreme anxiety you most definitely do NOT need another layer of it.

esk1mo · 02/06/2018 21:21

sounds like he is directing his anger toward his own drinking behaviours towards you. he is angry and disappointed in himself, but doesnt want to acknowledge that and instead would rather make you feel bad about your non-existent problem, to make himself feel better.

all-in-all he isnt a nice person and if he loved you he wouldnt never want you to feel this way. LTB!

mancmummy1414 · 02/06/2018 21:24

Hi OP, that sounds really shit. He does sound hypocritical, how dare he accuse you of problem drinking when he clearly has a problem with drinking (not alcoholism per se, but getting abusive when drunk)
We have had a similar situation; my partner is the most loving, caring person ever but very occasionally when he drinks (like 1 in 100 times but he still thinks it’s too often and I agree) he gets angry and irrational. Nothing horrendous just shouting, walking away and leaving me etc. After a few times of this he decided to become teetotal because even though it happened infrequently, it happened too often for both of our liking.
I miss drinking with him (I also love a wine) but it’s a small price to pay to have my partner acting like my soualmaye and not a stranger who I don’t know.
Also, does he have any issues he may need to speak through with a counsellor? This is also something you could consider.

mancmummy1414 · 02/06/2018 21:25

*soulmate

Juells · 02/06/2018 21:41

Block him. At the moment he blocks you, then unblocks to fire off a load of bile. Fuck that. You don't have to allow someone else to abuse you.

eightfacesofthemoon · 02/06/2018 21:54

At the end of the day he is not helping you. He is not supporting you. You haven’t really answered many questions. So it’s hard to help
From the little information you have given, you should not be together.
Worst - it’s abusive
Best - you’re completely incompatible and each have you’re own issues that neither of you can deal with in the other.

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 02/06/2018 22:14

Why is everyone on your side and not his...perhaps you should think about you. It’s transference. He is worried that he has a problem and to distract himself he accuses you.

Doesn’t sound fun!

Motoko · 02/06/2018 22:21

Are you frightened of being on your own? Has he told you no-one would want to be with you?

I'm wondering why you haven't left him, as a pp mentioned you've posted about him before.

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