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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why people can’t just be happy for us?

63 replies

Iswallowtoothpaste · 02/06/2018 16:04

I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, it was a much wanted baby but a bit of a shock and panic too as I had a M/C 2.5 years ago and I was in the process of trying to lose some weight before actively trying to conceive again.

I’ve the past couple of years I will hold my hands up and admit that I have been fat and lazy. My daily routine always consists of some form of exercise as we are farmers so I’m usually dragging the kids up hills to check sheep/cows or catching sheep (although not so much of the latter now. It’s more the unhealthy eating. Waiting until the kids have gone to bed and ordering a take away, going to the shop on a night and buying loads of crisps, chocolate etc. It’s a vicious circle, I comfort eat because I feel bad about myself.

My family have always mentioned my weight for as long as I can remember, probably since I was 4/5 years old. I spent all of my childhood thinking that I was fat and different to my peers because there was always such emphasis on my weight. As a result, I grew up with huge issues with food and cripplingly low self confidence. Over the past 7-8 years, I’ve been a size 8 and a size 24 and everything in between. When I was a size 8 I was starving myself and walking miles everyday to keep the weight off. My periods stopped and I started losing my hair and fainting. I started eating more and I’ve ballooned. I just can’t get the balance right.

Anyway, I told my mum last week that I was expecting and she just grimaced. I had no congratulations, no ‘I’m so happy for you.’ She just grimaced and uttered the words ‘but you’re so big already.’ I’ve just told my gran and her reaction was similar and I’m so upset that they can’t just be happy for us.

My brother’s girlfriend announced she was pregnant 2 months ago, she’s a dinky size 8 and they were all so happy for them but I've had nothing but negativity.

I know I shouldn’t have fallen pregnant at this size and if anything goes wrong I’ll be beating myself up for the rest of my life. I just want someone to be happy about our news instead of having a lecture. A congratulations and then a bit of support and a nudge in the right direction would’ve been nice you know ‘you can do this’ instead of ‘you shouldn’t have done this.’ It probably comes from a place of good yet leaves me feeling like total shit and even worse than I did to begin with.

OP posts:
FrillySpidersWillies · 02/06/2018 16:06

Yanbu wow your mum and gran sound shocking tbh

CantankerousCamel · 02/06/2018 16:06

YANBU

Big women have been having babies since the beginning of time, you should be simply glowing with excitement about your new person, not worrying about it.

Sod them all. I’m chuffed for you

FrillySpidersWillies · 02/06/2018 16:06

Oh and congratulations! Flowers

rainbowgrimm · 02/06/2018 16:07

YANBU, Congratulations

Knittedfairies · 02/06/2018 16:08

Well I’ll say congratulations; you can do this! Don’t let your family’s negativity get to you; easier said than done, I know. Maybe they are worried for you?

Goldenphoenix · 02/06/2018 16:08

Your Mum and Gran sound awful! What a horrible thing to say, am so sorry. Sod them, many congratulations

ziggiestardust · 02/06/2018 16:08

YANBU, they sound horrible! I’d be telling them both that they’ve upset you, and you’ll be needing some space for a while, after which time you’ll be expecting a full apology, and nothing but support from then on.

Congratulations OP! 🎉🎉🎉

nicslackey · 02/06/2018 16:08

congratulations!

Mammyloveswine · 02/06/2018 16:09

How awful! Please ignore the negative comments, congratulations on your pregnancy!

Ideally you wouldn't be so overweight when pregnant but so what, lots of people are and that's ok! If you wanted you can follow slimming world whilst pregnant, i did and am.pretty much my pre-birth weight and my baby is only a few months old.

I had negative comments about my secong pregnancy because i had two close together... even now parents say "don't have another" despite me wanting a third (and I will have a third but I'll wait a few years!).

Flowers
Iswallowtoothpaste · 02/06/2018 16:10

I think they’re probably worried in a way.

More worried about what people think. I was out with my mum yesterday and I saw her cringe when she introduced me to someone she knew as her daughter.

Thank you for your well wishes and comgratulations. I feel as though I’ve no right to be excited and happy though.

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 02/06/2018 16:11

OP your mum and gran are just horrible people.

I hope you keep your children away from them particularly any girls so they don't grow up with body size issues.

Congratulations btw.

AnyFucker · 02/06/2018 16:12

Congratulations Flowers

Iswallowtoothpaste · 02/06/2018 16:12

@Mammyloveswine thank you. I was thinking of joining slimming world.

I cook healthy meals from scratch I think it’s just portion sizes I have to watch and the mindless snacking and boredom eating of absolute crap that’s no good.

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 02/06/2018 16:14

I’m not surprised you comfort eat when your mum is so nasty. Concentrate on your little family and distance yourself from your mum and your gran perhaps?

mummmy2017 · 02/06/2018 16:16

Congratulations on the baby...
Ignor your family and if they say anything else look them in the eye and say do you mean to be nasty?
Then just wait... don't say another word till they answer..
Repeat this everytime they do this... they will soon realise. Not to say nasty things.

PinkBuffalo · 02/06/2018 16:16

Congratulations! Flowers
You have every right to be happy about your pregnancy x

Anniegetyourgun · 02/06/2018 16:18

I was pretty stout when I had my last DC. Nothing went wrong. Chances are it won't for you, but if there is a risk your medical team should be right on top of it with monitoring and advice. IMO (but I'm no expert!) you're more likely to have a problem pregnancy if you're severely underweight than over - it doesn't sound as though size 8 suits your particular frame. You should probably be aiming for a steady 12-14. (Gosh, I wish I was still size 14. Or even 18...)

I imagine your compulsion for comfort food has a great deal to do with the attitude of your family. Easier to identify than to ignore, though. What insensitive so-and-so tells a 5-year-old they're too fat?

ps Massive congratulations from me too. I don't even know you but I'm rooting for you!

funnylittlefloozie · 02/06/2018 16:22

Firstl, huge congratulations on your pregnancy. How lovely for you, especially given your past situation.

Now about the nastiness. This isn't about weight. Its about your mum and your granny being HORRIBLE BLOODY people. It would be nice if they could behave like normal decent people, but they clearly can't, so f*ck them. Stop telling them about your pregnancy (tell us instead), find a really good antenatal group and talk to them instead. Keep on walking up the hills and doing your normal stuff, and cut back on the junk food.

Don't get caught up in some idea of "if i lose weight, they will love me" - your partner, your existing kids and the baby-to-come all love you already and you need to put yourself and them first.

Gagastwin · 02/06/2018 16:25

Congrats!!! What exciting news, I'm so pleased for you both.

Ignore the family, mine always go on about my weight and make me feel like shit. I've recently lost two stone and it is all they talk to me about. Slimming world sounds like a great idea though, and summer + pregnancy = less food. Well in my case it always did i would lose lots of weight in pregnancy as I would eat so healthy and feel sick so often lol.

StaplesCorner · 02/06/2018 16:25

I was about 18 stone when i had my first DD and I asked the consultant about the risks she looked at me as I was mad - she said we have MUCH larger women in here with diabetes and who smoke etc., they are the ones to worry about.

Your family sounds truly appalling. Do you want to keep them in your life? Maybe have a think about going low contact at least. What does your partner think of all this?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/06/2018 16:29

Congratulations OP, what lovely news !
I'm glad that you're considering slimming world, there are things that you can snack on all day, sadly not your usual snacks 😄
If you do go, keep it to yourself, don't give them any more fodder to bleat over.
You'll be a lovely mummy.🌺

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 02/06/2018 16:34

So horrible..

Congratulations 🎉💐

FuelledByButter · 02/06/2018 16:34

Sounds to me like your family had a great deal to do with your issues around food and your weight. They're nasty.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope all goes well and if you decide to try and join a slimming club-good luck!

Popc0rn · 02/06/2018 16:34

Congrats! Your mum and gran sound awful; mentioning your weight since you were 4/5 years old?! Weren't they in charge of what you ate when you were 4/5?! If they thought you were overweight (which I'm sure you weren't) when you were a child and unable to buy or cook your own food then that's their fault!

PurpleDaisy2114 · 02/06/2018 16:35

Congratulations! Don't let anyone, family or acquaintance taint or diminish your happy news. Whether you are a size 8,18 or 28 does not lessen or strengthen the cause for celebration. Take care of yourself and try to focus on the future, ignoring the ignorance. I was very obese with both my pregnancies and did feel that people judged and that somehow I was less worthy/my bump was harder to distinguish/it was my fault I had c-sections etc. Looking back I wish I had just told everyone to F off! 💐