To ask why people can’t just be happy for us?

[Iswallowtoothpaste]

I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, it was a much wanted baby but a bit of a shock and panic too as I had a M/C 2.5 years ago and I was in the process of trying to lose some weight before actively trying to conceive again.

I’ve the past couple of years I will hold my hands up and admit that I have been fat and lazy. My daily routine always consists of some form of exercise as we are farmers so I’m usually dragging the kids up hills to check sheep/cows or catching sheep (although not so much of the latter now. It’s more the unhealthy eating. Waiting until the kids have gone to bed and ordering a take away, going to the shop on a night and buying loads of crisps, chocolate etc. It’s a vicious circle, I comfort eat because I feel bad about myself.

My family have always mentioned my weight for as long as I can remember, probably since I was 4/5 years old. I spent all of my childhood thinking that I was fat and different to my peers because there was always such emphasis on my weight. As a result, I grew up with huge issues with food and cripplingly low self confidence. Over the past 7-8 years, I’ve been a size 8 and a size 24 and everything in between. When I was a size 8 I was starving myself and walking miles everyday to keep the weight off. My periods stopped and I started losing my hair and fainting. I started eating more and I’ve ballooned. I just can’t get the balance right.

Anyway, I told my mum last week that I was expecting and she just grimaced. I had no congratulations, no ‘I’m so happy for you.’ She just grimaced and uttered the words ‘but you’re so big already.’ I’ve just told my gran and her reaction was similar and I’m so upset that they can’t just be happy for us.

My brother’s girlfriend announced she was pregnant 2 months ago, she’s a dinky size 8 and they were all so happy for them but I've had nothing but negativity.

I know I shouldn’t have fallen pregnant at this size and if anything goes wrong I’ll be beating myself up for the rest of my life. I just want someone to be happy about our news instead of having a lecture. A congratulations and then a bit of support and a nudge in the right direction would’ve been nice you know ‘you can do this’ instead of ‘you shouldn’t have done this.’ It probably comes from a place of good yet leaves me feeling like total shit and even worse than I did to begin with.

I was a size 24 when I went through my last 2 pregnancies. The only thing I will say is do go and have the test for gestational diabetes, which your MW will book you in for.

SW is fab though, you can follow it while pregnant and BF.

Your family sound like the worse excess baggage in your life, you might feel a lot lighter in yourself without them and their negativity!

sounds like the emotional side is where you food and inability ti find a steady balance comes from too.not just eating crap.the stuff you had from childhood and those old hurts will be dicating how you care for yourlsef now im sure.
don't do the extremes hun.starving yourself or reufsing your body of fuel it needs will mean you might lose.but ever so quickly to stop it simply dying your body will make you craaaaaaaaaave to nourish, and its harder then to stop ad your body simply has to feed.and your metabolism from going from starve and loading will be out of wack.
but its doesn't mean you cant find a balance.
try little changes each day.look up foods good for baby and pregnant mothers and try and incorporate them.do a little swap with one evening meal a week.take time out to cook something really nutricious for you and your little one.think im not just fedding me now.and its ok to look after myself and enjoy doing so.
there are many a woman both large and very overweight who go through prengnancy with no worries at all.ive know a fair few myself.one who had less worries than the dieticioun who was so called perfect size and eater.sometimes its luck of the draw. and yes idealy you might not be this size.but don't let that take away the joy of what you've just been gifted.
its not too late either.try to thin of little change to make every day.remember for you.your a mum to be now hun.wahooooOooooOoOoOo! YOU DESERVE THIS.YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BLOSSOMING AND LOOK AFTER YOU AND YOUR LITTLE ONE.
but just forget all that weight crap for today at least and go and bask in this joy.your going to be a mum.after your mc that even more super.so don't go and think of weight and food.go and think of mum,motherhood and a child now growing in you and the beauty of that.then think of how best to feed you both both mentally and physically though.you need to look after your mental health here.and that includes ignoring such crass behaviour from two people who should be showering you with love at this stage

Congratulations! Slimming world sounds like a good idea. It’s the group motivation, that seems to work or did for me many moons ago. I was snacking on healthy things. Perhaps this will encourage you to do so as well.

Congratulations, and yes, you can do this!

It certainly sounds as if your mum, and possibly your gran too, are behind your low self-esteem. You DO deserve this, there is no reason whatsoever why you "shouldn't" have a baby, and in the unlikely event something was to go wrong, please have compassion for yourself. Since your family have always blamed you and put you down, I'm not surprised if food has seemed like better company.

I think one step you could take straight away is to tell them your weight is your business only, not up for discussion, and you will not be taking on board any rude comments they make.

Congratulations OP! I've actually found it easier to make healthy choices since I found out, because I think about what would be good for baby, rather than I've had a shit stressful day, work is long, I'm exhausted don't want to cook, I'll get KFC. Although I am hungry all the time 🙈. Don't worry about those miserable idiots focus on your own little family now. My friend was a size 24 when she fell and did SW for pregnancy, her group consultant was really good she was lighter two months after birth than she had been before the pregnancy.

Op I so identify with you. Same childhood story here. Its hard to love and accept yourself when so much focus has been placed on your weight. I so totally believed I was 'fat' at a size 12 that I ended up a size 32. I did eventually lose 11 stone - Slimming World worked for me. But your number one focus now isn't losing weight, its being kind to yourself and having a healthy pregnancy. Congrats on your pregnancy and a big fuck off to your mum

See less of your mum and gran, and don't share any news with them from now on. Whatever the feedback is that you want from them...not only will you not get it, it sounds like they get some kind of emotional fillip themselves by getting a nasty dig in.

Fuck 'em. Your life sounds really nice, chasing sheep around on a farm, with your own kids, and expecting a new baby. Why put yourself in a position for someone to be nasty to you?

You don't have to allow anyone make you feel bad about yourself. Work on your boundaries! They say those things to you because they know you'll take it, and take it to heart.

Congratulations and best wishes xxx

Congratulations OP. I’m sorry that you received such cold and heartless reactions to your wonderful news. I’d see it as a perfect moment for a fresh start, tackling your emotional eating and portion sizes. But do it on your own terms. My best friend has really had amazing success with listening to a great app, a calming hypnosis that just reaffirms her resolve and deals with the emotional triggers to snack. She knows what and how to eat but it’s the eating out of boredom, finishing leftovers and cravings that are not hunger-related. Might be worth a trial. It helps with sleeping and feeling more confident too.

Congratulations! It’s really hurting when people dont seem to be happy for you. My mum’s response when I rang her to tell her I was pregnant (planned) was ‘Are you happy about that?
Don’t do Slimming World though - it’ll just be more pressure and guilt. Cut our some of the junk and replace with healthier stuff and keep active. Have a look at rebelfit - I’m sure he’ll have some advice for health and strength in pregnancy. And tell your mum and gran to stuff it.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and good luck! You can do this. If you are feeling down about your body confidence, now might be the time to find a supportive group to help you find that golden balance. Your family clearly cannot.

They sound vile and emotionally abusive!
I'd go to very low contact with them!

Congratulations on your baby!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Please focus on your own happiness and well-being and turn away from anyone who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Before anything else, congratulations!
Second, you're not alone. When I was pregnant with DD1, the first thing my mum said was 'Ah, now would be a good time for you to lose weight'. No congratulations, no how are you and this was her first grandchild.

I am sorry your family were nasty to you.

Congratulations, what lovely news for you.

Ignore your family, they are being total dicks. I’d be asking myself what they actually add to my life.

Here, have an un-mumsnetty hug x

Congratulations.

Let being overweight be a health issue for you, not a moral issue. That means detaching from feelings of guilt and self-loathing.

Anyone (including your own family, sadly) who is that extremely critical of your weight is getting something from that attitude for themselves. It's more about them than you.

Congratulations - you must be so excited.
Do not allow your family to judge or ruin this for you.
I do understand this is difficult (very difficult in my case, it took me years but worth it) would you consider some non-contact time from your family?

Just do not reply to messages etc. create a bit of space for yourself and your family. Don't feel you have to fit into their mould - create your own.

It is about boundries - you must create them for yourself as mum and gran do not sound the most reasonable of people and from your posts they feel others are judging them - maybe they suffer from low self-esteem and confidence? Think of it that way and enjoy your pregnancy.

@Iswallowtoothpaste we've got this. My mum was the same but i do believe it comes with love. They are just worried about us. Yes we should have lost weight first but it is too late to worry about that now. We just have to try and be as healthy as we can for the next 7/8 months. A happy mum means a happy baby, whatever size.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. If you were too big to conceive and it was dangerous then I believe nature would have had it's way and you wouldn't have conceived. It could be just as dangerous to be a size 8. Don't worry about it Just be healthy during the pregnancy. Your relatives sound awful.

Massive congratulations OP

Congratulations

You deserve to be happy about this congratulations!

Congratulations!
I know someone who always worried about her weight and when she got pregnant - the baby took everything from her! She actually lost weight while pregnant ( and baby was born fit and healthy)

Do you get anything positive out of your relationship with them? Can you severely reduce contact? I agree with a pp, keep them away from your baby, especially if it's a girl, so they don't do the same to her.

Congratulations to you. It is wonderful news that you are pregnant, especially after a miscarriage. I once read one of those things that go round Facebook and it said 'What other people think of you is none of your business'. And that is so true. Your mother and grandmother are the ones with issues. Their thoughts are their own problems - NOT YOURS! Do NOT let them pass their issues onto you.

My advice? Think about the health of your baby from this point on. Make sure that what you eat is the healthiest food you can afford. Don't eat the rubbish as you don't want your child to be receiving that.

I would then find a lovely Slimming World group. SW will support you throughout pregnancy and will give reports for you to give to your midwife. They will show you how to eat healthily and how to manage the snacky bits. During this time you will be able to learn about healthy eating without the pressure of needing to lose weight. Go and have a chat to them about it.

Here is their pregnancy policy.

Good luck and congratulations again