To feel aggrieved at my bloody sister - again

[Havabiscuit]

NC for a bit more anonymity.
She has always been a bit stormy and easily offended but this latest row is the last bloody straw. We are intermittently close but I cooled the relationship a decade or so past because she is so volatile.
A bit of a do was organised by my eldest dd for my youngests 21st. Reason she organised it rather than me is 21 yr old wanted to go To daytime event in London where eldest Dd lives so she took on organisation as familiar with venues. We live 4 hours travel away. We are a big family ( 6 kids and partners). Initially, sis says she will come (no replies from her adult kids) but then says it’s too expensive for her so will just come to evening meal.
We all arrive at rented house day before and I ask if sis still coming to dinner next day to be told she has cancelled as ill. Great day out had by all 14 of us. On the Sunday morning my eldest Dd and I start getting abusive texts from sis. My first one just says “dickhead”. I txt back “?” Then it all pours out that she didn’t feel welcome, felt left out of arrangements as not included in house rental ( she lives 30 mins by train outside Central London so dd had assumed she would go home after dinner as did others at same distance)
Tellingly, to my mind, she said she had no idea our df was coming and didn’t know until she saw pictures on fb a family member had put up. Df has recently been diagnosed with dementia and she has been quite odd about my taking on some care - comments like “virtue signalling” every time I mention we have been out with him. I also noted in past 8 weeks I’ve phoned her 3 Times, no calls back although once got through to her, she said she was busy and would call me back ( she didn’t)
My interpretation is that she wasn’t that bothered about coming until she saw pictures and has now chosen to feel aggrieved. I told her this and got a barrage of nasty texts
We are now nc and I’m upset because I feel we didn’t exclude her at all. Perhaps a bit busy and not chasing her and her family up. As far as my eldest Dd concerned she was coming until she cancelled I seem to have got the flack though. How do I repair this. Am I in the wrong?

Urghhh this would do my head in.

By trying to repair it, you will be feeding into her game, or whatever you want to call it.
She knew what the plans were and chose not to take part.

I’m torn between trying to patch it up ( I hate rifts in the family) and just thinking sod it. I’ve had enough. She can be very funny, sweet and entertaining but as I said, volatile.

You're not wrong. Do not try to repair it, you were right to go NC.

You could never do enough for her, she will always take every opportunity to be offended.

My sister is the same. I don't bother anymore and it's much easier now.

Do you mean you have 6 kids or you are one of 6 kids?

No I’ve got 6 kids - joined family.

Always makes for big parties!

Stay nc, someone this awkward and unpredictable will always enjoy causing issues for thd drama.

How often is she volatile? Does she ever apologise for her outbursts and swearing?

Have you tried talkimg to her and telling her that her behaviour to you and your childreen is unacceptable and that if she continues she will not be invited to any further events you organise?

It was your daughters 21st. Why were you supposed to bend over backwards to make your sister feel included? It’s bonkers.

As I said, I hate family rifts. It makes it so awkward when you all need to get together. We were at one time very close but she became very cross when I got a gift she felt she should have had. After that I put some distance between us.
However after a few of these blow ups over the years I am sick of patching it up, never getting an apology.
Her final txts were. “I am done with you. Nobody likes you”

Tricky one. She sounds very like my sister tbh; funny, witty, even quite thoughtful at times but so volatile. It doesn't take much to cause it, but she'll fly off the handle and say all number of bad things, very hurtful things too, then expect it all to just blow over, because everyone always just forgives for it and apologies are never forthcoming.
Honestly, I haven't got any great advice. My 'solution ' to my sisters behaviour is to just point blank ignore her twatty ways and treat her normally otherwise. I don't want to not have her in my life, and I'm sure that's the same for you and your DSis, so I can't really come up with a better answer.

Some people make everything about them and love drama. Your sister is one of them. She now wants you to fall over yourself apologising and grovelling. Don't bother.

Instead of acting like a grown up and asking questions about the party before it happened, she chooses to wait until you are mid party to spoil the fun with abusive texts. Plus surely she would have been too ill to be in the rental and wouldn't have been able to come anyway?

Ignore her.

Those texts are really abusive. It’s not for you to repair this. She’s caused this drama and been aggressive, she needs to repair it. She won’t though.

You did nothing wrong. Don't you dare apologise to her!

X post with you OP. Yea she sounds just like my DSis. She came out with a corker last time, said it was unsurprising that my abusive ex used to hit me. Charming. Admittedly we did fall out at that point and didn't speak for a few months but general 'no one likes you' schoolyard shit I just ignore.

I turned 50 this year and since then my mantra has been “I’m too old for this shit” This is the sort of situation I’d apply it to. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Just disengage and let her have her childish tantrums, she’ll never change.

It's tricky to try and repair this as her behaviour isn't really rational. It might be worth saying you're sorry that she is upset and that wasn't your intention and then outlining the facts without any blame attached.

I think the volatility is just her personality. Even as a child she was a door slammer!
She is lashing out imo because her chickens are coming home to roost atm. She has had huge maintenance payments for years which has recently stopped so selling her house the plan to snare some richer bloke has not worked. She binned the last one whom she really liked because he didn’t make enough money.
Having to work ft and hates it. God, I’ve made her sound awful, she is quite self deprecating and funny when she says these things, I love her but she is awful!! 😂. My families take on it is “oh you know your sis” and my Dm thinks she is very stressed.
I want to be supportive but she has been quite condemnatory over the years about my boring lifestyle.

Sod it. She’s no positive force in your life so don’t take on her negativity.

It might be worth saying you're sorry that she is upset and that wasn't your intention and then outlining the facts without any blame attached

Did that listener. That provoked the “ nobody wants to know how marvellous you are. Nobody likes you” txt sequence

Iiwy I’d be telling her to get to fuck.

Stop pandering to her. In the nicest possible way, it’s not doing either of you any good

Thanks everyone. You are saying the things I’m thinking which is helpful. You doubt yourself when upset and in the middle of this stuff

Oh dear!!! Sounds like it might be worth sitting it out then. If she's volatile it will hopefully calm down in time, just as it blew up so quickly... I hope it works out in the long term!

Tricky one. She sounds very like my sister tbh; funny, witty, even quite thoughtful at times but so volatile. It doesn't take much to cause it, but she'll fly off the handle and say all number of bad things, very hurtful things too, then expect it all to just blow over, because everyone always just forgives for it and apologies are never forthcoming

This is her! To a T

How about: ‘I’m really sorry you’re hurt. I’m feeling that nothing I am saying is helping or making you feel better so maybe a bit of space would be a good idea right now. I’ll leave you alone but I let me know if you want to talk’