To feel aggrieved at my bloody sister - again

[Havabiscuit]

NC for a bit more anonymity.
She has always been a bit stormy and easily offended but this latest row is the last bloody straw. We are intermittently close but I cooled the relationship a decade or so past because she is so volatile.
A bit of a do was organised by my eldest dd for my youngests 21st. Reason she organised it rather than me is 21 yr old wanted to go To daytime event in London where eldest Dd lives so she took on organisation as familiar with venues. We live 4 hours travel away. We are a big family ( 6 kids and partners). Initially, sis says she will come (no replies from her adult kids) but then says it’s too expensive for her so will just come to evening meal.
We all arrive at rented house day before and I ask if sis still coming to dinner next day to be told she has cancelled as ill. Great day out had by all 14 of us. On the Sunday morning my eldest Dd and I start getting abusive texts from sis. My first one just says “dickhead”. I txt back “?” Then it all pours out that she didn’t feel welcome, felt left out of arrangements as not included in house rental ( she lives 30 mins by train outside Central London so dd had assumed she would go home after dinner as did others at same distance)
Tellingly, to my mind, she said she had no idea our df was coming and didn’t know until she saw pictures on fb a family member had put up. Df has recently been diagnosed with dementia and she has been quite odd about my taking on some care - comments like “virtue signalling” every time I mention we have been out with him. I also noted in past 8 weeks I’ve phoned her 3 Times, no calls back although once got through to her, she said she was busy and would call me back ( she didn’t)
My interpretation is that she wasn’t that bothered about coming until she saw pictures and has now chosen to feel aggrieved. I told her this and got a barrage of nasty texts
We are now nc and I’m upset because I feel we didn’t exclude her at all. Perhaps a bit busy and not chasing her and her family up. As far as my eldest Dd concerned she was coming until she cancelled I seem to have got the flack though. How do I repair this. Am I in the wrong?

How about being more truthful?

"Let me know when you're ready to apologise for such hurtful and nasty comments"

God I feel your pain. Such hard work. You need to try and get yourself into the mindset that it simply doesn't matter. You know what she is saying is bollocks (and she probably does too, id bet she doesn't really mean it, although that's no excuse) and you just can't give it any platform to affect you or your life.
I tend to answer just once when she starts kicking off with a calm but firm shutdown (no apologies or raised voices/angry words) and then I walk away/ignore messages until she grows up a bit. It's not a solution but it seems to limit the effect she has on me and my mood. A situation like that cannot be improved int he moment so it's best to just leave it.

I really like Chinyys response. However she may think this is open season to abuse you. I’d make it perfectly clear if she comes back with more abuse that this is not what you mean. “I don’t think answering this will help in any way. Let me know if you want to talk.” You are also allowed to tell her “I won’t respond any further. I don’t deserve to be treated like this.”

My sil is a nasty drama queen a bit like this and has many similarities to my mother. My brother is horrid. They can all create drama out of nothing and I’m chronically ill so have no interest in their bitching. You really will feel better if you distance yourself from her and fully understand you aren’t responsible for the way she feels or for smoothing things over. This is your conditioning rather than reality.

I used to try to patch up family quarrels whether they were my fault or not (usually not - I'm a pushover for keeping the peace) - then I realised that you can't please everybody all of the time, and invariably end up in the wrong with one person because you've done something to try to placate another.

It isn't worth it.

Walk away and let her get on with it. SHe'll come round when it suits her, and if she doesn't - tough. She's the one missing out.

In a similar situation to this, it helped me to seperate my hate of rifts from the unreasonable long-term behaviour of my sister.

It’s great to feel family responsibility, and play the peacemaker, and try to put aside your hurt feelings to preserve (or rescue) family unity. BUT there are other jobs you can feel good about also. Like providing your (many!) kids with a strong role-model around setting boundaries, like standing by your own record of good behaviour and saying ‘enough’. Also, you need to see to your self-care, and give your best attentions to your kids and DF at the moment. Your sis is an energy drain, and no mistake.

It doesn’t need to play like a feud. You let it be known that although your door is always open for a frank discussion and acknowledgement of the rudeness, you are otherwise no longer in casual contact. You will continue to be civil, you won’t be avoiding family get-togethers but you are not going to keep pretending that these wilful strops aren’t happening. We all have a choice about how we act, regardless of our ‘natural personality’ and you’ll be holding her to the same ADULT standards you do the rest of the family, from now on.

Then brace yourself for serious tantruming. Stay cool, concentrate on your real family goals. She’ll eventually realise you’re not taking the bait. And you will realise that you have lots more lovely energy to spend on people who appreciate it, now that you’re not pouring it down the drain that is your sis.

You sound lovely and clear-headed, by the way. And far too busy for this chick’s shenanigans!

How about taking her at her word that she's "done with you" and just get on with your life. Leave it to her to make the next approach and if you get any more abusive texts, block her.

I don't mean go nc for ever but let her have some consequences for being so bloody nasty. Of course she'll keep carrying on like this if everyone just lets it go.

She had her nose put out of joint by the party, tried to ruin it for you with her cruel texts and now wanting to make it all about her. Why should her sometimes pleasant behaviour mean she gets a free pass on being a nasty cow, spoiling a special occasion.

The "virtue signalling" comments are cruel too. No "thanks for keeping me up to date with Dad" then?

Life really is too short to have it spoilt by people like this. I've noticed lots of nasty buggers get excused with "You know , they're just like that".

It really doesn't do them any good in the long term either.

She’s been let get away with this venomous spite all her life. Is she in her 50s? She’s not going to change now.

You don’t have to take it though.

My eldest sis is the same. I’ve decided that I had enough after a particularly spiteful episode before Christmas. I’m polite to her but keep her at arms length. She either apologizes or she stays at arms length.

If it helps you to detach, I suspect she's thinking about your dad's will. It sounds like she relies on others to finance her lifestyle, and she's now got her eye on the prize from your parents. If she sees you being a loving caring daughter, looking out for your dad with his dementia, she's worried she'll either have to step up and do the same or risk getting a smaller inheritance.
Just ignore her shit and crack on with how you want to live. Anything you do will be wrong.

She sounds jealous as hell. It’s like you have the life she ‘deserves’ and she’s not going to forgive you for it!

What is the cherry on the cake from her warped mindset is that you’re nice with it and people like you hence the virtue signalling and no one likes you comments. She can’t bear that people like you on top of everything you have that she wants.

It’s pure sibling rivalry from childhood but when it’s brought into adulthood it just seems absurd. Was the present you got and not her from a family member?

I’d be very firm with her and say you will no longer put up with the abuse. If she starts with the texts, then just block her and tell her you will not engage until she acts decently towards you. If she wants to have a grown up discussion about why she is aggrieved, then you’re ready to talk but you won’t put up with the childish point scoring.

Hadn’t thought if inheritance stuff cat. I hope you are not right.

Was the present you got and not her from a family member?
Yes, from family member, It was a classic car. Sis got the equivalent in money. My husband is a bit of a petrol head and family member knew he would look after it ( which he does, like it’s his own child)

Thanks for all the suggestions. I wish I’d though of some of the comments whilst this was raging on.
I think I will leave it for now - she is the one who has said she is done with me so fair enough. Perhaps send something exploratory towards the end of the year when a Christmas get together being planned. I’m certainly not going to apologise.

I wouldn't be trying to repair this to be honest. I would let her stew in her own pity and not let her spoil your DD's birthday celebrations.

She sounds attention seeking and very immature. I could understand this from someone who was a young teen but not an adult.
I'd leave her to it for good.
Also she sounds a right bitch saying virtue signalling when you tell her that you have been out with your Dad. How horrid can a person be?

Her texts telling you no one likes you is a reflection of how she is feeling.

SHE feels no one likes her.

I would not apologise, no way.

But would send a jokey message back. Something along the lines of:

'Thanks for pointing out no one likes me just as well I am not easily offended :) You were and will always be invited to every family occasion and this time was no different. Have a great weekend and take care x'

Take the steam out and leave it on good terms, and the ball firmly in her court.

Don't allow her any more time or oxygen. If you get another shitty message back reply with a X (kiss) and just let her fume.
You can't change her and don't want to cut her out (I would be sorely tempted to be permanently nc) so a lighthearted approach is best. Don't let her rattle your cage she is an attention seeking drama queen through and through.

Frankly I would text back "Fuck off"

I would block her for a while. I’d be upset by those texts.

I agree with summer's text above - shows her just how seriously she should be taken when she says shit like that!

Also like summer's response.

DD has a “friend” like this. She keeps the peace at the moment, but says that after the exams she isn’t going to bother keeping in touch. This girl always plays the victim, and everything is always someone else’s fault.

I think a combination Of Chinny’s and RandomMess’s responses would be a good idea. I think they get the point across politely and to the point.

Gosh, she sounds hard work. Why is she having a pop at you when your elder daughter arranged it? And why is she making it all about her when it's her neice's birthday? Sounds like she is very resentful and angry towards you. Hour daughter's 21st was an opportunity for her to have a go.

Her texts are nasty. She has no right to talk to you like that. As for the 'no one likes you' comment, well she was at home feigning illness and you wwew having a good time with everyone at the party.

Leave it now. Don't bother relying. If she sends anymore abusive texts block her. You don't need this. I wouldn't even bother - send a Christmas card before the family event and be civil. Stop feeding the beast. Good luck OP.

I’m sorry you had to experience this on what should have been a happy, bile free celebration, Haveabiscuit. When you get a moment, there are some excellent observations and advice on this thread. It reminded me why, at its best, the hive wisdom of MN can be so sane and supportive.

I do love zzzzz’s concept of someone ‘discharging sadness’ and ‘random spite streaming into your life’; both images nicely distill the fact that this situation is down to the current mindset of dsis, not you.In a family, it can become easy to internalise guilt even when faced with behaviour we would never put up with elsewhere or to fall into patterns of behaviour which normalises the unacceptable.

Hopefully the responses here underline that you have the right to turn down the role of a bit player in her drama everytime she has a strop. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her - just that she seriously needs to manage her expectations as to what you and your dc will put up with.

Just ignore her, you tried to explain there was no intention to leave her out (you didn't) , don't feed the drama llama, if you see her at a family event just be civil.

I would just ignore her rather than just try to fix things with her.

Her final txts were. “I am done with you. Nobody likes you”

I would reply:

I'm so sorry to hear this. I won't encroach upon your space again but do feel free to contact me any time. Lots of love.

I would just reply OK. And then to further texts, just K.

Gosh, it was just a birthday party. Weird to make a drama out of it.

yeah.. ."sorry you feel that way, my door is open when you want to be friends again." and ignore (block for a few weeks?!) any unpleasant followup.