To want to limit MIL bonding with DD

[username20]

To tell the full story would be a VERY long post so very quick synopses

MIL is living with us until next summer
DD (MIL only grandchild) was born 4 months ago
MIL retired last year and seems very lost in what she does now (only leaves house to go shopping twice a week)
MIL is a wasp and if something annoys her she goes cold and snarky for a few days or weeks never actually speaking about what bothers her
She is VERY old fashioned in her beliefs (against marriage equality and babies out of wedlock)
She seems anti woman (doesn't think any woman can get pregnant by accident- it's either coz they are stupid or planned with or without the dads knowing)
She has made me feel very crap in the past 6/8 months when things aren't the way she'd like

AIBU to want her to have a limited relationship with DD because of the above
Even though I know she will love and spoil her?

Any suggestions on how I could make my gorgeous baby not like her? Joking - well kinda 😐🤣

(DH is very supportive of me and knows she is hard to deal with. The snarky/cold behavior would be towards him too.
She is him Mum though and of course he loves her.
So I really try not to make him feel torn as much as possible)

If we are talking summer 2018 I would just try and bear it she'll be out of your hair before DD knows what is happening.

If however you are talking summer 2019 I would make her find alternative accomodation. You do not want that influence around your DD for all that time or indeed around you as adults.

What she said ^^ Can’t you set her up elsewhere? What happened to her own house.

Maybe you could jab your baby with a pin every time she hear Mil's voice, so she learns to associate her with pain?

Or tell your MiL its not your dh's baby so she doesn't want to bond with her?

Or refuse to let your MiL touch the baby, or interact with her. Keep them in separate rooms maybe?

Or tell MiL the baby has congenital syphilis and is infectious (you could do this the other way round when your dd's a bit older).

Summer 2018 or summer 2019? If the latter then fuck that for a bag of chips. Why is she with you?

Agree with the above, grin and bear until she’s out of the house and your DD won’t remember much. How did you agree to her moving in in the first place though?

Incidentally my friend came out with ‘I don’t believe there’s anything such thing as accidental pregnancy’, the scary thing is she’s an OB/GYN!

Let her love her,what age is she? odds are she'll be dead by time she can have a bad influence (not being funny like)

''If we are talking summer 2018 I would just try and bear it she'll be out of your hair before DD knows what is happening. If however you are talking summer 2019 I would make her find alternative accomodation. You do not want that influence around your DD''

Yea because dd will realise what is happening and be influenced in summer 2019?? Really i wouldn't worry, my parents were like that-didn't make me like it and a parent is alot more powerful than a grandparent.

well if you have sex there is always a chance of pregnancy even with contraception so it’s kinda true that there are no accidental pregnancies.

Your mil does need to know that you are the mother that’s for sure. My mother is pretty misogynistic and old fashioned too. She tried to interfere a lot when dd was little although I did have the advantage of not living with her.

My dd (9) makes me laugh with her. Dd is enjoying a very different upbringing from mknd and is definitely on track to be a feminist and formidable woman. Dd thinks nothing of telling a little lie to my mother and the trick the other day when she didn’t want my mother to read the bible she bought her a few years ago was to hide it in her bed and swear blind it had been misplaced. . I had no idea until grandma had gone home.

All I’m saying is you bring your child up how you wish and you call out the undesirable behaviour of those adults around you and ensure you give your child your belief system and set of morals. Not those borrowed from the 19th century.

Mknd = mine

Surely the more people to love your child the better?

I think you are being a bit horrible. It's perfectly ok for you not to like her but it's not ok to turn your child against her when you know she will love and care for her.

A she get's older I'm sure she will treat your MILs old fashioned ideas with the appropriate amount of disdain.

Don't let her live with you.

Don't use your dd as a tool to hurt your mil. It's always wrong to use children for your own revenge in a family dispute. That makes you as bad at social skills as her.

You mil needs to be spoken to by her son and reminded whose house she is in and if she doesn't like it you'll give her a hand to find alternative accommodation. 😊

well if you have sex there is always a chance of pregnancy even with contraception so it’s kinda true that there are no accidental pregnancies.

I would consider a failure of contraception an accident.

For this first year I think it'd be fine if YOU can stick her as your DD won't remember anyway. I think you're wise to limit contact later on though, I didn't, my MIL was also VERY old fashioned and was the type to punish people around her rather than just say what's bothering her and she has had a negative impact on my daughter. I thought she would behave herself around a child but instead she uses her as a pawn and has therefore betrayed me. I console myself with the thought that as my daughter ages, she is beginning to see that her grandma's behaviour is nasty.

A she get's older I'm sure she will treat your MILs old fashioned ideas with the appropriate amount of disdain.

Of course she will, and in turn her children will treat the Op 's old fashioned ideas with the same disdain. As I did with my grandma, as my kids do with their grandparents. It's a generational thing but we all loved/love each other very much, and neither myself or my children could have wished for better grandparents.

Boilerhouse

DD will see/feel the impact that MIL is having on the adults - an impact already described 'She has made me feel very crap in the past 6/8 months'

Aw don’t turn your DD against her Grandma, that is cruel to both of them. Let them have a relationship. Even if she’s staying until 2019 she won’t have that much of an influence on her.

I don’t like my in laws either, but I make the effort to make sure they see their Granddaughter, because I know they love her. If I was a Grandparent I’d be so very hurt if I was unable to see my Grandchild(ren).

I think maybe the OP means "not like her" as in "not similar to her" rather than "dislike her"?

sweeny yes, that's what I was getting at :)

My own DChas been unfortunate not to have many grandparents (2 died before they were born and one when they were toddlers) and now as teenagers they have none at all.

The more love your child has around them the better.

I think you should just call her out on her coldness. My own DM can be very 'sulky'. The last time she did it was about 9 years ago. We were all staying at hers and I, it seems, had dome something to upset her, so she started sulking. We were in the kitchen preparing a meal together when it first became apparent she was sulking, though she may have been beforehand, but I had failed to notice. I just said 'Look Mum, could you please stop with the sulks, it didn't work when I was a teenager, so it's hardly likely to be a success now I am in my 40's with three children of my own, is it?'. She did not reply, just started behaving in a more normal way.

Now, well, I piss her off, of course I do, I am human, she is very particular, but now she says what I have done/am doing to piss her off, then I either explain why I am doing it and why it will not change or I change.

It will be 2019 😐
We bought her house as DH is only child and we're building her a smaller house on the grounds
So she is always going to be close.
The thing is she's difficult but I do see her good side too.
I'm also very aware DH (and by default me) have a responsibility to her and genuinely will be ok with the living situation once she is set up in her new home.

I do really worry she could have a negative influence on DD
I find her quite unkind in how she can speak about other people including children (her own nieces and nephews children can be 'dim' 'plain' 'bossy' etc)
She's even described DD as fat lots of times (she's a very healthy baby in the 95th percentile) - DH had to ask her not to describe her like that so she now calls her pud. I don't think she is intentionally mean and I hope doesn't see how hurtful her comments could be taken.

Although she will dote and love DD, I'm very protective of her and want her to grow up to be a fair, kind, confident and happy girl.

Although she will dote and love DD, I'm very protective of her and want her to grow up to be a fair, kind, confident and happy girl.

She will. Is your DH a fair, kind happy, loving man? Are you happy with him? Is he what you want for a partner? Who raised him?

Frankly I'd be telling DH to scrap that plan to build her something now and get her out of your house. Seems like a recipe for unhappiness, stress and possile marital breakup. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. Using DD as a "bargaining chip" or "weapon" is not the way.

Well she’s just the charming matriarch isn’t she? Why the bloody hell are you building her a house 2 cm away from yours? 😱