To want to limit MIL bonding with DD

[username20]

To tell the full story would be a VERY long post so very quick synopses

MIL is living with us until next summer
DD (MIL only grandchild) was born 4 months ago
MIL retired last year and seems very lost in what she does now (only leaves house to go shopping twice a week)
MIL is a wasp and if something annoys her she goes cold and snarky for a few days or weeks never actually speaking about what bothers her
She is VERY old fashioned in her beliefs (against marriage equality and babies out of wedlock)
She seems anti woman (doesn't think any woman can get pregnant by accident- it's either coz they are stupid or planned with or without the dads knowing)
She has made me feel very crap in the past 6/8 months when things aren't the way she'd like

AIBU to want her to have a limited relationship with DD because of the above
Even though I know she will love and spoil her?

Any suggestions on how I could make my gorgeous baby not like her? Joking - well kinda 😐🤣

(DH is very supportive of me and knows she is hard to deal with. The snarky/cold behavior would be towards him too.
She is him Mum though and of course he loves her.
So I really try not to make him feel torn as much as possible)

My mil used to have some really old school views about women.
Her daughter hasn't really picked them up at all.
Mils mum has even more old school views (e.g women should be in the kitchen serving men all day whilst they sit around) and has been heavily involved in everyones life but none of the grandaughters agree with her take on life.
I doubt your dd will pick her views up in this day and age.

I do want to limit her relationship with my MIL too because I think she could be negatively effected although I don't think she'd ever intentionally do or say anything to hurt DD

How do you propose to do this when she practically lives with you?
No way will it be possible to limit anything mil decides to do.
Then you'll be the evil one against her and your dh.

YABVVVVVU to live with this woman
You were completely insane to agree to it and you are completely insane to continue

“She has made me feel very crap in the past 6/8 months when things aren't the way she'd like”

FFS woman find your backbone

As sh'es always going to be nearby, now's the time to start drawing clear boundaries. That probably means limiting the time she spends with your DD. If you don't do this, she will continue to influence things even after she moves out, as sh'e still be be very close.

Can you encourage her to take up a hobby or two? Maybe if she's distracted and making new friends she won't take quite as much interest in your DD. Better for her too.

I doubt she’ll turn an under two year old (by the time she moves) Into a lip smacking, pearl clutching, feminist hating wasp. If she otherwise loves and is appropriate with your daughter, and spends time with her because she loves her, hen I think you are over reacting ridiculously. Obviously the issue is you don’t like her. Why did you agree to her moving in if you dislike her and your husband barely tolerated her? Must be shitty for her too being in that kind of environment.

Of course the situation suited us
It means DH doesn't have to pay ridiculous inheritance tax and gets to keep the family home.

Yeah. So basically when you’re getting a financial advantage out of her she’s family. But when there is no cash incentive she’s not. Maybe you could sell her tickets to spend time with DD? £100 pounds a pop and I bet she’d be Granny dearest then.

She’s basically done you a favour by trying to secure your families financial future and your response is to try and cut her out of DDs life because you don’t see eye to eye on every issue? Nice.

@Dancingtothebeat now that's a bit harsh

The situation suited us both
It freed up equity for her to retire comfortably while also being able to have her only child's family keep the family home
I never said I want to cut her out of DD life, that would be impossible in our setup anyway
I do want to limit her influence

Limiting her influence and practically living together are not compatible. She will be there for your daughters entire childhood including the impressionable teenage years and she will only get worse as she gets older!!

The situation does not suit you in any way other that financially.

You've seen the £££ signs and got her home cheap and now you will pay the real price for it for years to come. Hope it was worth it.

I suspect that DD's friends and peers will have a far greater influence than MIL. Most people I know love their grandparents to bits but find them quaint and old fashioned.

Grandparents are very different to parents. She will probably be a good influence as long as your dh mans up and corrects her when needed.

YABU and you don't sound like a nice person (that's my polite way of putting it) .

You limit her influence by being her parents and having a stronger one, not by limiting horse much she loves her Nan.

Mommy, Nanny said I should just get married art 18 and have babies and serve my husband
Oh Jemima, you know that women can do anything they want - I'm a rocket scientist and had you and the triplets - Nan is older and sometimes has old fashioned ideas.

Mom Nan said you should cook Dad's tea every night
Oh Jemima, that stitching be very fair would it, I'm off being a rocket scientist and Daddy works from home so we share.

And so on. She isn't going to have some supernatural hold over your child.

YANBU
I get why you'd want to limit her influence but I don't think it's possible the way you've set things up

My parents/in laws are firmly of the "no sugar-coating/tell it how it is" generation. Irritating though it is, they generally make a fair point (albeit a bit blinkered as they grow older).

OP it is really tough having a 4 month old baby. The daylight hours are affecting sleep and baby hours are getting longer, DC is beginning to teeth....

AND you have a house guest 24/7. Your MiL has been baby-free for decades and now has people in "her house". Then you both (presumably) have builders traipsing around the garden.

Maybe your MiL is struggling too and scared about what she is letting herself in for? Or maybe she has always been waspish and you forgot about this.

You deserve a (mutual) sleep-deprived rant, but you also need a plan. And some time apart.

Can you find some baby groups? Could you go on a baby jogging/swimming/massage phase? Can you and DH find a mini holiday?

Can you find a group for your MiL (even if it is teaching her to use gransnet)? It must be terrifying to hit the "grandmother stage" and realise that you have invested zero energy in interests and friendships away from close family.

You probably need to think of ways you could all have fun together, how could you all laugh/smile for even 10 minutes?

I'm not sure you have a plan B re housing; you need to find a way to make things more fun for the next 18 months (because there will be delays).

FWIW young children seem to have compartmentalised lives. As time progresses you can tell DC that "Granny likes/believes XYZ and Nanna like ABC, but Mummy does..."

You sound delightful. Wanting to turn your baby against her own grandmother? Nice.

Babies bond with whomever they bond with. You can't control that. But at this age, I don't think it matters. Your DD could have the closest, deepest bond with your MIL and still not absorb her ideas and mean behavior. You only need to worry about her influence from when your DD is about 4+ onwards and she might begin to become self-conscious of your MIL's comments about her weight.

The bigger problem you have is how you relate to your MIL long term and how much stress it is causing you. You can't bite your tongue forever. You're bound to eventually blow a fuse at some point and cause a rupture in the relationship. And she will be living in your backyard even after summer of 2019.

This is also your DH's problem, not yours. He needs to find her a hobby or a job or a new relationship or things are going to get very claustrophobic for all of you!

*Not saying your DD is overweight in my post by the way!! Obviously a baby cannot be overweight, that's insane, but if your DD were to grow up to maintain a 95th percentile weight range and your MIL continues referring to her as 'pud' then it would be very unpleasant for your DD.

We lived next door to my mil for 11 yrs until she died aged 96 last year. She loved my boys to bits, and they her. She also had a great relationship with the children I child mind. Yes she had some odd ideas, and life for her was a million miles away from ours but the children are able to take that on board and laugh with her about daddy doing the ironing and other things that were unheard of in her day.

Children are perfectly able to understand that some people's old fashioned views are just that. It's your job as a parent to influence her choices by communication, role model and education. Keeping her at arms length from a grandparent because you "don't need her" is cruel and unnecessary.

As a woman stop complaining that other people make you feel like shit, only you can do that because you don't have confidence in your own skills. Be assertive, friendly and welcoming. They are the qualities you need to be teaching your daughter, not that we distance ourselves from people we love simply because they have different views to yours.

I think you are being really horrible actually.

I had a pretty awful relationship with my mother. That said, at no point did I ever try to impact the relationship she had with my DD. They were really close and my DD loved her to bits. As she grew up, DD saw and understood more of why I wasnt close to my mother, but that didn't come from anything I said or did. The love between a grandparent and grandchild is really special and it seems spiteful to try to spoil it.

As for the poster saying do the leg work yourself find the old people’s clubs, silver screen sessions, social clubs and then take her to them if my children tried doing that to me I'd tell them to fuck off

Is your DH a fair, kind happy, loving man? Are you happy with him? Is he what you want for a partner? Who raised him?

Hmm, my DF is a lovely man. My Grandmother is not so nice, as an example she once introduced my DM and DSis to a visitor as the cleaner and her daughter.

My DGF worked a lot, so my Grandmother did most of the raising.

Do you all scuttle about in fear of her?

Couldn't you stand up for yourself a bit in front of mil? Politely of course.

Tell her if she's being rude? Or if you disagree with her?

And if she's staying in your house there are house rules. One of these rules for guests is politeness at all times.

She might say she's not a guest as she's your mil to which you should be firm and say that yes she is.

I think this is a kind thing you are doing, OP, but with huge consequences. Be prepared for your MIL to be in and out of your house at will. After all, that’s probably what she sees as the main advantage of having you so close and it would seem very odd to her to be excluded from her old home.

It’s a deal you entered into willingly, and you have gained financially from it, but the old saying about there being no such thing as a free lunch very much applies here.

You can’t limit her influence on your DD but you can mitigate it by calling her out on any really objectionable views and modelling the behaviours that you want your DD to absorb.

You’d do better to work on having a loving and mutually respectful relationship with your MIL so that any issues can be dealt with as they arise.

Lots of old people have funny views. She obviously raised your DH and I'm assuming he's ok. You sound quite mean.

'It will be 2019 😐
We bought her house as DH is only child and we're building her a smaller house on the grounds
So she is always going to be close.'

Indeed she is

I'd get used to it if I were you.