To want to limit MIL bonding with DD

[username20]

To tell the full story would be a VERY long post so very quick synopses

MIL is living with us until next summer
DD (MIL only grandchild) was born 4 months ago
MIL retired last year and seems very lost in what she does now (only leaves house to go shopping twice a week)
MIL is a wasp and if something annoys her she goes cold and snarky for a few days or weeks never actually speaking about what bothers her
She is VERY old fashioned in her beliefs (against marriage equality and babies out of wedlock)
She seems anti woman (doesn't think any woman can get pregnant by accident- it's either coz they are stupid or planned with or without the dads knowing)
She has made me feel very crap in the past 6/8 months when things aren't the way she'd like

AIBU to want her to have a limited relationship with DD because of the above
Even though I know she will love and spoil her?

Any suggestions on how I could make my gorgeous baby not like her? Joking - well kinda 😐🤣

(DH is very supportive of me and knows she is hard to deal with. The snarky/cold behavior would be towards him too.
She is him Mum though and of course he loves her.
So I really try not to make him feel torn as much as possible)

Frankly I'd be telling DH to scrap that plan to build her something now and get her out of your house.

Really? This woman has sold her house to her son (I would guess not at market value) but they should just chuck her out and make her homeless? And that's the way to raise a fair and kind child?

This living arrangement has disaster (and divorce) written all over it.

Sell the house, buy a property for each of you that isn’t next door to one another and live happy!

@WaxOn it always amazes me on these threads that people seem to forget the MIL has managed to raise someone that the poster liked enough to have a child with. And they also forget that one day they will be a MIL with their own little ways and quirks, how will they feel if they are then treated in this way?

I find my mil v v irritating and certainly couldn’t live with her. However she’s not a bad person and I do everything I can to facilitate her relationship with the dgc. It would be pretty shitty of me to bring my own issues to their relationship

If she will always be close, you may as well start to challenge her now. If she says something misogynistic pull her up on it. If she ignores you for a week then yay, you get a break from her! Tell her you can't accept that toxic talk now you are bringing up a daughter.

Yes DH is fair and kind and I love him
Of course his mum helped make him who he is along with his dad
His dad passed away a few years ago and is one of the reasons we decided the living situation was a good idea for her and us.
I am ok with this decision.

She is very different in the way she deals with and describes boys though.
She has told me on lots of occasions how she was so glad DH was a boy as she would of hated to have had a girl.

I'm very close to my mum who is a very open minded and inclusive person. She is so understanding and loving and fiercely protective of her children
My grandmother was a very strong woman and would of also influenced me and my siblings quite a lot

Because of these strong woman I'm who I am today

I would like DD to have a great relationship with both of her grandmothers as both have lots of great things to bring to her life
I do want to limit her relationship with my MIL too because I think she could be negatively effected although I don't think she'd ever intentionally do or say anything to hurt DD

Yep sweeney . My own MIL was an eccentric and unusual woman, not the type of person I would normally seek out to be friends with. She died when DSs were only little but she loved them passionately as she did with all her older grandchildren. She had some very "interesting" views and like the OP I wouldn't have relished living with her from my own pov. Her love for her children and grandchildren and all her dils and sil stood above that though and I was really sad when she passed away. I miss the mad old cow a lot. :(

It's late, so maybe my brain is half asleep, but how do you think you can limit their bonding time when she is currently living with and you plan on her living in your grounds? I mean the phrase, rod for your own back springs to mind.

2 issues here
1.MIL post retirement -> do the leg work yourself find the old people’s clubs, silver screen sessions, social clubs and then take her to them like you would a teenager. That will keep her occupied and come to terms with her new life.

1. MIL’s anti women views hmmm nit so simple a program of re-education?

Good luck

If she is so unpleasant why did you agree to buying her house knowing that she would then be living in a house on the grounds .? How do you think you are going to keep her out of your DD's life when she lives a stones throw away? You have walked into this with your eyes wide open.Many older folk have conservative ideas that you just need to ignore and not take so personally. You will have to do this for the sake of your marriage and your child.

Is this for real? You've bought her house off her, will build one very close by and suddenly you are worried about her relationship with your child because this hasn't occurred to you before you all came to this arrangement? Really?

If she is living with you I don't see how you can limit her time with your DD unless she has some sort of self contained space in your house. I would just make it clear that you are the mum and MIL is grandmother and stamp on any negativity immediately. I would not be happy with her calling her pud. What is wrong with using her name? . Perhaps make sure you are out of the house lots with your DD to babygroups etc. You must be a saint to put up with her in your house for more than a year.

MIL lives very near us and can be difficult. I worry, for example, that she's quite body-fascist (like tour MIL, OP, by the sound of things) and if DD doesn't remain very slim as she gets older MIL will probably make comments to her and I won't want her to do that. In fact she's already expressed worry about DD's weight (which is fine), to DH, who told her to shut up about it basically!

Before DD was born I was worried that MIL would be super critical about whether DD 'speaks nicely' (she only considers quite posh sounding to be nice, but DD seems to have developed what MIL would think of as 'nice' speech)

But at the same time, MIL does seem to have developed a bit of a special relationship with her (DD is blatantly the favourite grandchild, but I think having favourite grandkids is not a terrible thing, I was aware of it growing up myself and was fine with it) and it's actually been all right so far. So hopefully it will not be as bad as you fear, but I feel your pain!

@Cornishclio I am out most mornings with bf group, baby classes, coffee with friends etc
It does help a lot

I know it sounds like I've been naive or stupid to sign up to this situation but before I had DD I was able to ignore a lot of her misogynistic views or at least let them slide

I understand our living situation means she is going to be part of DD life which of course I want her to be
I do however think I'd like to limit the amount she bonds and influences DD though

I think as PP has suggested I need to call out her behavior and views (obviously in a nice way) now before they can be too influential to DD.
DH and I also need to look into some activities she'd maybe like to try too...
Having her mope about the house is rubbish for us and her.

It must be hard for MIL as well though. It may be your house now OP but presumably it must still feel to her like you are living in her house?

Glad you’re not my DIL.

How do the finances work in this situation? Did you pay the market price for the house? If not, you were willing to overlook her "faults" when it was to your advantage.

I don't really see how you can limit her impact on DD when she lives a metre away.

Tbh I think this will end up threatening your marriage. DH won't want to keep challenging her, but you will need to protect DD from her damaging views. Fat talk can cause EDs for example.

@sweeneytoddsrazor yes I get that

We've tried really hard to make sure she's comfortable still
She's still very much in control of the house
I still feel it's hers TBH

We had started doing up the house but she didn't like the workmen coming in so have put a stop to everything until her place is complete

I rarely have any of my family/friends over etc

I also understand she's at a very different time in her life
She'll be 70 this year and worked all her life
She has very few friends and no hobbies or interests
As I mentioned before the only time she leaves the house is to do the shopping

Because I'm BF the baby is with me always
When I have left her it's been for a couple of hours with my sisters
I think MIL thought she'd have a more hands on relationship with DD but I don't need her to

Why do you have a responsibility for her, is she very old or ill?
You are very brave, there's no way I'd live anywhere near my mil.
8 miles away is near enough for me.
Has she no money to go anywhere else and is your dh really building her a house from scratch or are the builders building her a house?
If the former she could be with you a lot longer.
Sounds like there's 3 of you in your marriage.

Sweeney, you are absolutely spot on.

@QuiteUnfitBit
No we didn't pay market value
But that was so we could pay for her build too
My MIL is not out of pocket
She has a nice amount to retire on along with her pension, she won't have any utility bills and she'll have family right next door,

Of course the situation suited us
It means DH doesn't have to pay ridiculous inheritance tax and gets to keep the family home.

I am probably what you would term an old fashioned nanny ( I would describe myself as one with common sense instead) and am quite strict and, guess what, my grandchildren can't get enough of me. I listen to what they have to say, play with them and tell them my opinions on the world and then they can make up their own mind what they think. At least they are getting a balance of ideas then and not just the usual one sided PC rubbish that abounds everywhere.

Treat your MinL how you would like your DinL to treat you one day. Children learn by example. However, I don't think it is a very well thought out plan that you have concerning your living accommodation as you dislike her ways so much. Sounds as if you coveted her house so you could put her in an annex.

Perhaps your relatives are actually dim, plain and bossy and she tells it as it is. The truth usually hurts which is why people get so defensive. My granddaughter was in the 95% percentile too but her father is very tall so she is never going to be petite but has slimmed down a bit as she grew. If children have a healthy diet their body shape will be as their genes dictate.

Frankly I'd be telling DH to scrap that plan to build her something now and get her out of your house.

Yes, that’s nice. Buy your mother out of her house at what was presumably a knock down price on the understanding she can stay with you until you’ve built her new place, then go back on that agreement and kick her out on the streets. Nice.

OP, this is a terrible idea. You don’t like her so you are intending to use DD as a punishment and way of getting at her. If you use your daughter as a pawn like that the person that will ultimately suffer the most is DD.