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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I wrong to offer to pay for children’s ice creams?

100 replies

beaubeau11 · 01/06/2018 18:55

I was at the park with my 3 dc today, we where stood in a que in the little cafe buying ice cream etc. There was a woman behind me with 2 ds’s with ice creams in there hands waiting to pay! The woman said to her two little boys ah no Iv left my purse and went to leave the long que, I said excuse me would you like me to pay for those ice creams for the boys ? I really don’t mind.? She was sharp with me and replied no thankyou!!!! I found this odd didn’t she appreciate my kindness?

OP posts:

Butterflykissess · 01/06/2018 21:15

I wouldn't have accepted either as I would have been embarrassed . Kind of you to offer though .

gillybeanz · 01/06/2018 21:20

I have friends who would act like this.
Perhaps she doesn't have much money and it's a jerk reaction to people (not you) who know her and think she's a charity case.
She might no like do gooders.
Whilst your heart was in the right place, unfortunately kindness isn't appreciated like it used to be.
You sound kind and considerate, the other parent probably had good reason to refuse.

FireInTheMole · 01/06/2018 21:23

*beaubeau11 we where stood in a que

This is wrong on so many levels. It was kind of you to offer to pay for the ice-creams, though.*

What was wrong?

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 01/06/2018 21:24

Its not about how dignified you did it op, its how she felt.

You say you felt like you were below her, maybe she thought you thought she was below you and needed your "charity" can you not see that?

You say you felt hurt, maybe she felt hurt that a stranger was judging her because she couldnt afford her childrens ice creams

You felt dismissed? Well maybe she felt dismissed that she'd said no, but a stranger had sought to over ride that by saying i'll pay.

GriswaldFamilyStaycation · 01/06/2018 21:25

I found this odd didn’t she appreciate my kindness?

She said, "No thank you". You perceived it as sharp, she either didn't want charity, needed to find her purse, or lied about having change to avoid icecreams... something I've never done obviously.

I think it's a bit odd posting to tell people about your kindness and how it was unappreciated.

MongerTruffle · 01/06/2018 21:27

FireInTheMole

We were standing in a queue...

GriswaldFamilyStaycation · 01/06/2018 21:27

I made sure I did it in a dignified way. Im one of these people who would give my last penny. I felt hurt and dismissed.

It feels a bt like you wanted her to make a big show of how lovely you are. You did a nice thing, she didn't need or want to accept. It's not really an issue.

HildegardVonBlingen · 01/06/2018 21:30

Thank you, @MongerTruffle. I should let it lie, but there were just too many solecisms here...

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/06/2018 21:34

Saying no thank you is not rude. She probably didn't mean it to sound sharp, Why is it odd to say no thank you? What should she have said.?

gillybeanz · 01/06/2018 21:34

It's not about you, so no need to feel anything.
Whereas you have upset a complete stranger, or made her feel inadequate. Now, that is about You.

I know someone who never said thank you for a lift, she was a young teen so unable to drive for herself.
I asked her Mum why, as close friends.
She said her daughter felt embarrassed as her parents didn't drive/ have a car and they couldn't reciprocate.

Shona52 · 01/06/2018 21:42

I would have done the same thing OP

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 01/06/2018 21:50

I'd have said no to you as well. I, and a lot of parents, spend a lot of time teaching kids not to accept sweets etc from strangers so I certainly wouldn't allow someone to buy them an ice cream. What if next time I say no to them, they ask some random

^ I agree with what this poster said, I wouldn’t have offered to pay for the ice-creams as they weren’t in need of them, and I would have declined your offer too, of course in the nicest way possible.

The only people I would offer money to, or offer to pay for something for is someone who was very needy.

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/06/2018 21:50

I think you need to let it go.
It was a non event and you are still stewing hours later.

Feeling hurt and dismissed because a stranger found your offer of icecreams uncomfortable is OTT.

FireInTheMole · 01/06/2018 22:12

I should let it lie, but

But you had to be that person. Even though it has nothing to do with the thread. Cool.

BoardingSchoolMater · 01/06/2018 22:19

TheFirstMrsDV is right Feeling hurt and dismissed because a stranger found your offer of icecreams uncomfortable is OTT.

Perhaps get over it?

Katinkka · 01/06/2018 22:26

No good deed goes unpunished!

I’ve paid for people’s parking before. Once at the hospital and once at college. I hope one day I’ll get some help when I need it. I would have been so grateful to you if it had been me.

mindutopia · 01/06/2018 22:31

I often use the no money excuse (though it’s often true because I don’t carry much cash) when my dc aren’t allowed something but I’m too exhausted to deal with it all kicking off because they want ice cream and I won’t allow it. To me, it would come across as interfering to offer because you never know why someone has said no. I expect you were genuinely just trying to be polite, but yes, if I was at the end of my tether, I might be a bit snappy about it.

Tillytrotter123 · 01/06/2018 22:34

It was a kind thing to do op, I would have offered the same. I gave someone 50p a few weeks ago in a shop when he was short. I think it just makes the world a kinder place, don't change.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 01/06/2018 22:40

It was kind of you. She might have been embarrassed but she might just not have wanted her kids dripping ice cream all down them so she said no.
I regularly tell my dd I forgot my purse, or occasionally I only bring enough cash for what I need so I don't end up overspending so when she asks for things I tell her I have no money.
I wouldn't think any more on it.

RedForFilth · 01/06/2018 22:43

Oh well I won’t stop being the person I am and if I was in the same position again I would do the same. I will always help others
Im one of these people who would give my last penny
I found this odd didn’t she appreciate my kindness?
At first I thought you were being nice. All this together makes you look a bit desperate for others to praise how kind you are or something. Genuinely kind and selfless people don't shout about how kind and selfless they are imo.

RedForFilth · 01/06/2018 22:50

Also, just because someone doesn't look you in the eye doesn't make them a bad person. After years of abuse I've only started being able to look people in the eye in the past few months.

Dibbosteme · 01/06/2018 23:06

It was a kind thing for you to do, but many possible reasons why it met with refusal.

We used to visit family who live in another region twice a year. My sister's children were always pestering for ice-creams every day when we went out as a family. Her kids were allowed sweet treats every single day, ours were not, end of story. My mother always ended up offering to pay.

I didn't want our children to have daily ice-creams, as we discouraged eating between meals, except a banana or other fruits. This meant having to tell DM that we simply didn't want the kids to have the ice-creams and explain that if we told them we couldn't afford it, then that was the end of the conversation.

All young adults now and guess what? Mine fit and slim, sister's kids are overweight. No surprise there then.

Cuckooclocks · 01/06/2018 23:10

Yeah I think it might be the phrasing that caught her off guard a bit, the “would you like me to pay” instead of “please let me get those, I’m always leaving my purse behind..!”

But, super nice of you to offer, the world needs more people who are willing to just be kind!

TeaAndToastForBreakfast · 01/06/2018 23:13

She said 'no, thank you' not 'no, f*!k off'! And I expect she sounded 'short' because she was a bit stressed at having left her purse somewhere!! So her mind was probably on the purse's whereabouts, managing the kids, getting back to the purse etc... and not on keeping you happy

greenlynx · 01/06/2018 23:47

Sorry OP , but I wouldn't like your offer as well , I would feel embarrassed and judged.
She could have a reason for not buying them an ice-cream.

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