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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try to have included son in step-family

68 replies

EWAB · 01/06/2018 13:54

My son is back from university and we had a bit of a profound conversation that has made me question my general approach to his parenting and whether I got things very wrong in relation to his position within a step-family; I was compared very unfavourably to my sister-in-law.

A novel I know but I do not want to drip feed.

Essentially when I met my partner I already had my son; when things became very serious I insisted that I came as a package. He has always had a very good relationship with him and they share a hobby etc.
His family were always kind to him and he called them granny etc. although one of the brothers' partners did ask him not to call her aunty. At the time my partner only had nieces and while I thought that my son might sometimes have been included in trips etc. I put it down to granny having girls' night with them.
When our 'joint effort' came along I was vigilant that the boys were treated the same once ringing partner's cousin asking why my son was not invited to wedding...he ended up being invited. At another wedding the photographer's assistant issued 'numbers' to people and you had to listen for your number to be called. Father and son were included in family photos and elder son and I were not. I had this visceral response and tried to wrestle younger son out of photo.
Ultimately younger son got life changing inheritance but not older son.
So my own brother got married to a woman with two children (who each had different fathers), similar ages to my own; I was determined to include them and treat them as family; this was met by my sister-in-law with complete incredulity.
My mother didn't even meet the older boy until the actual wedding and once the younger one was asked to take a chocolate or something back for his 'brother' the response she got from this child was "Oh he isn't my brother he is my half-brother. EWAB pretends her children are brothers but that is really dangerous."
Another brother did not invite children to his wedding, asked if she was upset other brother's wife said "but they're not even related, why should I be upset?"
They even have a weird photo of this giant 'pint glass' in a pub and the boys are trying to 'climb in' with the caption "three halves can't get into a pint."
My children have been brought up to be polite whereas the step-nephews have very formal manners which make them seem 20 years older.
So this weekend the younger son happened to be staying in the same place by sheer coincidence as a step-nephew who was with his dad (Who never takes out his old step son in spite of living together for years) and his new family. With complete confidence nephew came over, shook hands introduced his step and half siblings using those terms. My son was just embarrassed.
My eldest son believes that the sister-in-law's approach is much healthier and my approach just led him to being embarrassed all the time and ultimately disappointed. He feels that from day one if he had called the family by their names and not included it would all have been more honest. He feels his father was never mentioned whereas sister-in-law's ex comes in to chat (father of the youngest nephew elder one's father died). He believes the nephews' confidence stems from knowing what is what from day one. My partner agrees with him and said that I was neurotic wanting to create this ideal 'pretend' family.
To point out sister-in-law's lot are all really ok people and they all get on with each other.

OP posts:

BrazzleDazzleDay · 01/06/2018 14:01

These people sound barking mad.

Rainboho · 01/06/2018 14:04

fuzzywuzzy · 01/06/2018 14:13

I think those are two extremes.

My older DC see my youngest (their half sibling) as their sibling.

My IL’s treat all the DC the same. I don’t think or expect my older DC to be included in inheritance from them (why should they be?), my youngest is (fair enough).

DP makes future plans which include older DC and doesn’t treat them any different.

I would be incredibly hurt if my older DC weren’t included in weddings and photos when my youngest is.

However my IL’s are happy to include all the family and treat them with kindness.

I think insisting a half sibling isn’t a sibling is really weird and divisive. My dc know they have different dads from their youngest sibling but they call youngest their sibling not half anything. Otherwise I think it sets siblings apart from each other and make them feel they’re not properly family.

Maelstrop · 01/06/2018 14:14

Mental. If you’re in a blended family, all dc should be treated the same, whether half sibs or otherwise.

Carycach100 · 01/06/2018 14:15

.You and your dh decided to get together- not the kids involved. You sound as though you were trying to push them into playing happy families .Children are generally much less enthusiastic about 'blended' families , and you motives for insisiting on pretending they are siblingss is kind of playing along with your dream, rather than recognising the realities, and the kids' feeling on the matter.

mombie · 01/06/2018 14:15

I agree with your son because I am a stepchild from a blended family. My mum wanted my sisters and I to be included in our new wider step family when she remarried. It led to a lot of heartache and we were treated awfully by our step aunts and step cousins. We were always made to feel unwelcome. it also gave my real dad a chance to opt out. I think he justified his lack of involvement by imagining we were being cared for by another family, the reality was far from this.
In a nutshell it is heartbreaking for a child to be rejected by your own dad and then another step family. I don't know if this is how your DS feels but it's true for me and my sisters.
You tried to do your best for your DS so don't beat yourself up, but I would have preferred to have been raised with the confidence that my step family wasn't my family but that was ok and I was fine just as I was. I think this is what your son is getting at.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 01/06/2018 14:17

As a parent, you do your best and what you think is right. I think there is always a different way of doing things and if not careful, we can tie ourselves in knots worrying about what ‘the best’ looks and feels like.

I do ‘t think you need to dwell any further. You did what you thought was right for your children at the time knowing what you knew. You didn’t get it quite right in your son’s eyes but that doesn’t make you entirely wrong.

Our children will judge us no matter what we do. Don’t tie yourself in knots.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 01/06/2018 14:18

I have a half brother, a half sister and a half uncle. I refer to them as my brother, my sister and my uncle. I'm not embarrassed.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/06/2018 14:19

I agree with your son.

Dancingmonkey87 · 01/06/2018 14:20

My ds calls my dh by his name and my inlaws by their name, personally I think it’s the best way and it doesn’t blur the lines especially as he has two step families on both sides

GabriellaMontez · 01/06/2018 14:23

I think it's so individual. Different ages/situations/set up with first family.

I don't think you did anything wrong. Equally I don't think even/equal is always right or fair or possible.

This other boys confidence doesn't just come from the different approach. And he may be just as disappointed with the whole thing?!

TheBlueDot · 01/06/2018 14:24

Saying a half brother is not a real sibling is plain weird - they are brothers, not step brothers.

I think you went a bit over the top the other way. It must have been confusing for your son to be told to call your new husbands relatives ‘granny’ ‘aunt’ etc, he had his own dad, granny, etc.

Heroo · 01/06/2018 14:25

There is a difference between pretending your children are full brothers from the same dad, and treating them as a family unit whilst recognising they have different fathers and different spurs of extended family.

Joboy · 01/06/2018 14:29

You are a mother you will have done wrong . You have accept you did the best you could . your son will one day know this .
Every mother does wrong according their kids .

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/06/2018 14:29

We have a half-way house here. I consider DSD to be equivalent to my DCs in terms of support (emotional, financial etc) provided, for example I have made it clear that I would always consider this to be her home if she needed it but on the same terms as I would expect from my sons at the same age- so reasonable agreed behaviour, financial contribution if working, alternative non-financial contribution if not. Same with any inheritance from us, equal shares to all 3.
OTOH I don’t expect her to play a full role in my family events and photos, they certainly welcomed her as a child/young person along with DH, because my family knew she was important to me, and they are mostly open to a relationship with her if she wants it, but I would never try to insist she does this because she has about 150 step-relatives around between me and her step-dad and nobody needs that amount of ‘family’. She has what seems to be a good relationship with her half-brothers on my side and her half-sister on her mums side and certainly just says brothers and sister, but she is so much older that it isn’t an every day thing, so it does make it quite different.

NameChangingParanoid · 01/06/2018 14:30

I’ve always been very wary of pushing my husband’s family onto my son, he’s not related to them & has a full compliment of his own family.

My husband is the opposite with my DSD.

Either way you’re going to upset someone - blended families are beyond difficult & you can’t please all the people all the time.

ScrubTheDecks · 01/06/2018 14:31

Maybe your son feels like that because your DP's family are so crap and snotty about including people.

tbh after the wrenching -out-of-photo incident (or one of the earlier exclusions) it might have been better to accept that people are how they are and you couldn't change them, only change how you react to them.

It is also true, of course, that had you acted like your SIL, your DS , all newly know-it-all from newfound independence, could be saying that that was all wrong, too.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/06/2018 14:32

Either way you’re going to upset someone - blended families are beyond difficult & you can’t please all the people all the time.
I agree!

Jaxhog · 01/06/2018 14:43

Different things work for different people. What I get from your post is that you did your best and you did what you thought was the right thing to do for your son. He could just as easily be turning round to you right now and accusing you of making him feel separate and not included in the family.
This. People are very strange and mean sometimes. You can only do your best when dealing with such extremes as these. Personally. I think we should treat all family the same.

Loonoon · 01/06/2018 14:43

Neither way is 'wrong'. Every family has its own dynamic. I have never thought of my baby brother as a 'half' although biologically he is. But in another family (and particularly in a family as complex as your SILs appears to be) they might prefer to be more transparent.

It's sad your son thinks you got the balance wrong, but I think that young adults are often critical of their parents. If it wasn't that issue it would probably be something else. You need to respect his views about how he wants to talk and act now he is an adult but don't beat yourself up about mistakes you may or not have made when doing your best as a parent.

sockunicorn · 01/06/2018 14:48

OP, both my parents remarried before i was 2 so I had step families and half siblings on both sides. Unfortunately my family did the whole "not really family" bit. At christmas I was excluded from gift giving by certain step-aunts/uncles. Despite them coming to my house regularly from me being 2 years old and me doing everything with their families as I went along with my DM/DF, as I wasnt blood I was treated differently. I hated it and always felt left out. I felt out of place and very unwanted in some situations.

Also, most of my blood family gave gifts to my step (and half) siblings and included us all as one, but their families didnt, so I was constantly the only one left out and not invited to things.

I would prefer it the way you did it.

pigsispigs · 01/06/2018 14:48

All 5 of siblings are half but I don't refer to them in that way unless I'm going to detail of the family dynamic. Some of them refer to me just as their sister, some of them point out I'm 'only half', I was never brought up with any of them though so there isn't typical sibling relationships. As for extended family, I've never been made to feel unwelcome by anyone, even sibling's other parents.
My DP's family have accepted my son, he gets gifts and they're attentive, but he calls them by their names and I would never force them onto each other, he has his own father and his own family. I wouldn't expect him to be included in any type of inheritance from them even if we had our own DC who received it. I would be hurt if my son was excluded from family events though when other children were not.

sockunicorn · 01/06/2018 14:49

Also, for the record, I now treat ANY step children / half children as family. They get gifts just as my "real" nieces/nephews do and invited along together to things as a family. I would never leave a child out.

Ruffian · 01/06/2018 14:50

It wasn't wrong in itself to try to do what you did, the problem is it relies on the other people in the family and how they will react. Early on you had signs that they didn't feel the same about your ds as other dc in the family and that would have been the time to change tack.

It's so easy to be wise later though and it's part of being a parent to be criticised by your adult dc for decisions you took with the best intentions.

RafikiIsTheBest · 01/06/2018 14:50

I was sat here thinking well DP has half siblings and he views them as siblings... going to tell a story about it and have a little it's about the children thing... then I had to delete because I have a sister with a different biological dad. I don't even think about it. To me, she's as much my sibling as my other siblings. And I would argue to the end of the earth and back as much.

But I can sort of see the other side of it. I'm arranging a wedding and know we will have these issues. I might sound horrible but I want pictures of MY family, with MY nieces and nephews. Not BIL's latest girlfriend and her 4 kids, or DF's latest girlfriend never mind her kids and grandkids. The number of divorces and marriages and introduction of new partners and 'step-kids' is never-ending. A quick count I can think of at least 15 step-nephews/nieces in the last decade, a few half siblings of nephews/nieces that are only linked by their sibling and aren't involved in our family at all anymore... And that doesn't include the current 6 step-nieces/nephews. For the extended family it can be difficult, get attached and when a split up happens you feel like you've abandoned the child, who know's how the child feels. Maybe it is best to remain somewhat distant.

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