To try to have included son in step-family

[EWAB]

My son is back from university and we had a bit of a profound conversation that has made me question my general approach to his parenting and whether I got things very wrong in relation to his position within a step-family; I was compared very unfavourably to my sister-in-law.

A novel I know but I do not want to drip feed.

Essentially when I met my partner I already had my son; when things became very serious I insisted that I came as a package. He has always had a very good relationship with him and they share a hobby etc.
His family were always kind to him and he called them granny etc. although one of the brothers' partners did ask him not to call her aunty. At the time my partner only had nieces and while I thought that my son might sometimes have been included in trips etc. I put it down to granny having girls' night with them.
When our 'joint effort' came along I was vigilant that the boys were treated the same once ringing partner's cousin asking why my son was not invited to wedding...he ended up being invited. At another wedding the photographer's assistant issued 'numbers' to people and you had to listen for your number to be called. Father and son were included in family photos and elder son and I were not. I had this visceral response and tried to wrestle younger son out of photo.
Ultimately younger son got life changing inheritance but not older son.
So my own brother got married to a woman with two children (who each had different fathers), similar ages to my own; I was determined to include them and treat them as family; this was met by my sister-in-law with complete incredulity.
My mother didn't even meet the older boy until the actual wedding and once the younger one was asked to take a chocolate or something back for his 'brother' the response she got from this child was "Oh he isn't my brother he is my half-brother. EWAB pretends her children are brothers but that is really dangerous."
Another brother did not invite children to his wedding, asked if she was upset other brother's wife said "but they're not even related, why should I be upset?"
They even have a weird photo of this giant 'pint glass' in a pub and the boys are trying to 'climb in' with the caption "three halves can't get into a pint."
My children have been brought up to be polite whereas the step-nephews have very formal manners which make them seem 20 years older.
So this weekend the younger son happened to be staying in the same place by sheer coincidence as a step-nephew who was with his dad (Who never takes out his old step son in spite of living together for years) and his new family. With complete confidence nephew came over, shook hands introduced his step and half siblings using those terms. My son was just embarrassed.
My eldest son believes that the sister-in-law's approach is much healthier and my approach just led him to being embarrassed all the time and ultimately disappointed. He feels that from day one if he had called the family by their names and not included it would all have been more honest. He feels his father was never mentioned whereas sister-in-law's ex comes in to chat (father of the youngest nephew elder one's father died). He believes the nephews' confidence stems from knowing what is what from day one. My partner agrees with him and said that I was neurotic wanting to create this ideal 'pretend' family.
To point out sister-in-law's lot are all really ok people and they all get on with each other.

You really can't force feelings on other peopel which is what it sounds like you did to your husband's family. They have every right to have no interest in your child, and while you can say you're a package to a partner you can't put that on people who don't get a choice in the matter!

They don't even have to like you! People should alway make the effort to be kind to children, but your son wasn't related and already a person with his own personality that they didn't help to raise. I can see they may have felt put out. They grandmother doesn't have to suddenly start asking an unknown child to stay over, she just doesn't.

People try and pretend that blended famillies are the same but they aren't. If you had divorced after a year you woudln't have still been visiting his mother with your son every Sunday, because you aren't actually related.

I think adults sometimes try to gloss over the difficulties that children have when being part of a blended family. They cling to the "happily ever after narrative" desperately ignoring awkward reality. I don't think it's all bad - I've always regarded my half sister as my sister & am very close to my (step) dad - but I don''t think it does children any good to pretend that everyone is equal and part of one great big happily family.

Every blended family is different as you just have to find what works for yours, really. I don’t think there’s any right and wrong and it must be impossible to know what to do as a parent because let’s face it, only hindsight would show that.

In mine, my mother’s husband is just that: her partner, and nothing at all to do with me. We’re polite but we’re not family although when I was younger (early teens when they got married) that was very much a point of contention for him. As might be expected, I have nothing to do with his children either although I suppose my Mum counts them as her stepsons (despite the fact they bullied me and my (full) brother through our time living together.) I never get invited to family occasions involving his kids ie last Christmas, his recent 70th etc - and that’s fine by me because such gatherings always end like an episode of Eastenders and I don’t need that amount of drama in my life.
Mum and her husband then had a child together, and he is very much my brother although I’m more like an auntie as our age gap is big. We talk every week and he is a good kid, I’m lucky to have him in my life.

I'm struggling to understand what the relations actually are here.

So your oldest son is your son with your ex. Is your youngest your DP's son with an ex or your child that you had together?

There are so many scenarios that it is difficult to know the right way. I know in my brother case he set the tone, he made it clear that his step son was to be included or he would walk away from anyone who didn’t. But my nephew (no one uses step anymore) was young and had an absentee father which made it very much easier.

Both boys are mine but only the youngest is my partner's.

People like your son don't realise in the scheme of things labels don't matter. It's whether you get on with that sibling, whether they are half, full or step, matters more.

In my case I have a mixture of full, half and step siblings with a large age range. Those who get on get on, and those who don't don't. Since all our parents are dead it's been easier as you just have relationships with who you like. There as our parents tried to force us to have relationships with siblings we didn't like, and ignore others due to them not being their child.

In regards to extended family like cousins, aunts and uncles it gets even more confusing due to the wide variation of ages and the fact that some of them again are step or half. All the ones who tried divisive policies are dead as well.

We have never given presents and cards to everyone. You only tend to get a gift if you are a child under 10 and you see the person, or you spend Christmas with them. This avoids people wasting money and children getting hundreds of useless presents.

It sounds like you did your best - and if it's any consolation it's what I would have done too. I think it's weird to insist on everyone focusing on the divisions in a family rather than the connections.

Your son is still young and also at a turbulent stage of his life - he's probably pushing back for that reason. If you had done the opposite he could easily have pushed back against that too. Try not to take it to heart if you can

Why wouldn’t you have invited your ex into the house? Was it a bad split? What did you do on birthdays - did you and ex have seperate celebrations or did you both cut a cake together with your son?

It sounds as if your son envies the fact that his step-aunt and ex were more amicable than you and his dad. That might be at the root of it.

By the way - I don’t see anything wrong with exes and their new partners coming into the house - that actually sounds lovely that the parents are able to be that amicable.

I think this depends on the age of the child at the time you get together, and how the in laws treat your child. I have friends whose parent got together with their partner when they were in their teens who refer to their mum/dad and their partner. It is much easier for very young children to accept that everyone is part of their family.
It also depends on the partner. I have known people who get together with a series of partners and their children. In those cases in laws are going to know that the children sadly will be disappearing from their lives again in the next year or two.

But my nephew (no one uses step anymore) was young and had an absentee father which made it very much easier.
I think in that sort of situation it would be appalling not to treat him as a direct relative. It’s less easy to get it right when both parents are fully parenting and the child moves between both houses. I used to hate it when people assumed my DSD was mine- because although I was fine with it I knew she hated it, so I always felt I had to correct them. It probably made me look like a bitch to the other people, but it was what she preferred so it was the right thing to do. When she got to about 16 she told me not to worry about it anymore as she didn’t care what other people thought any longer

I'm picking up on the inheritance - people have ir own 'blood' family to leave them money - why would people share inheritances received from their own parent/GPs with their step and half siblings.

This is always one way traffic , I've noticed with these blended families. I'm going to get muddled explaining this so bear with me. So man & woman make a new family, each bringing a child to that family, they then have joint child. Its always expected that the extended family of the Joint Child is accepting of there children brought to the relationship and goes so far as to actually treat them as blood to the point of leaving an inheritance.

No one ever says, well the dad of the first child is well minted, so if Elder Child inherits he must share with Half (joint child) Sibling No one ever says to original mum, well if you're buying X present for your child, you must buy the same for the new half sibling. It simply doesn't work like that. You can be loving and polite, but you are not obliged to leave your money to anyone other than the person you choose.

It's all very one way traffic.

TBH, if my sons friends are anything to go by, some of them have 5 or 6 half siblings, each with different mums and dads, not to mention an equal number of transient step parents (mum new boyfriend) and a similar number of step siblings.

At another wedding the photographer's assistant issued 'numbers' to people and you had to listen for your number to be called. Father and son were included in family photos and elder son and I were not. I had this visceral response and tried to wrestle younger son out of photo.

Beyond ridiculous. You actually got physical in a wedding photo shoot over a family photo? There are many different dynamics of photos, all bridesmaids, in laws, ushers, bride /groom with siblings (and no partners) and so forth.

I think it's been covered up the thread, bended families are created for the adults involved without much thought to the kids and whether they want to be in this relationship or not, whether they want to acquire siblings (half, step or otherwise).

think it's been covered up the thread, bended families are created for the adults involved without much thought to the kids and whether they want to be in this relationship or not, whether they want to acquire siblings (half, step or otherwise).
Yes and I can attest to the fact that with 2 stepfamilies acquired in adulthood I really have nothing in common and no more than a polite passing interest in any of them, however neither of my parents seems to be able to comprehend that fact

Thank you for your support. This conversation came about with my older son following my younger son’s returning from a weekend with friends where he met my step-nephew. The conversation was infused with lots of humour and I don’t think would ever have come about had it not been for this coincidence.
About the incident with the photos; I am embarrassed now, painfully so, but it genuinely was a visceral reaction.
As for my sister-in-law, I doubt that she would regard using correct terms for relationships as divisive far from it. She would just see it as being what it is! Using proper terms would then inform relationships especially with wider family removing the upset my son says he felt, although he was genuinely never treated as badly as some contributors here.
When my elder son had a birthday my ex would pay half and come along with his own younger nephew and would always shake hands with my partner. I have fond memories of them dismantling some sort of gazebo together. These events sort of organically trailed away as he got older. I doubt he will get an inheritance as his father doesn’t own property etc but he did buy him a car ( on finance). He is his only child.

A last word... I do think as someone upthread said much of my sister-in-law’s general approach to things and her sons’ confidence has to do with being just very posh and middle-class and her Oxbridge education where her eldest son followed, and my sons have conflated this. Thank you.

he feels his father never got a mention

I think this is a key point. Some women (and maybe men?) want to write out the other parent when they meet someone new and convince themselves that this new family that they have created is the now the real one. My DM was like this, tried to encourage me to call my dad by his first name and her partner dad. He never got a mention (unless it was negative) and I rea lot resent that now.
It's frowned upon on MN for exes to be friendly, have Xmas together as 'it will confuse the d's but IME children who have parents like this are much more stable, confident about relationships and much more emotionally grounded.

Interesting remark about husbands/wives being included even though they are not blood... But does anybody view their PIL exactly the same as their own parents (and in the same view: do you see your SIL/DIL as your own child)?
I would like to think I could accept and treat a step child as my own / my own niece or nephew. But then if I am honest there is a big difference between my "own" family and my inlaws, why would the feelings be different for a child (who could be 10 - 15 - even young adult)?

A last word... I do think as someone upthread said much of my sister-in-law’s general approach to things and her sons’ confidence has to do with being just very posh and middle-class and her Oxbridge education where her eldest son followed, and my sons have conflated this. Thank you

I missed where pp said this, but this is exactly what I was coming on to say. Not always, but generally I find that privately educated people on the whole do tend to appear more confident. I think your son needs to separate these this from how he feels you dealt with his relationships (which he has every right to question if he feels this way, but I don't think he should use the nephews' perceived confidence as a reason that he felt your decisions were wrong.