To try to have included son in step-family

[EWAB]

My son is back from university and we had a bit of a profound conversation that has made me question my general approach to his parenting and whether I got things very wrong in relation to his position within a step-family; I was compared very unfavourably to my sister-in-law.

A novel I know but I do not want to drip feed.

Essentially when I met my partner I already had my son; when things became very serious I insisted that I came as a package. He has always had a very good relationship with him and they share a hobby etc.
His family were always kind to him and he called them granny etc. although one of the brothers' partners did ask him not to call her aunty. At the time my partner only had nieces and while I thought that my son might sometimes have been included in trips etc. I put it down to granny having girls' night with them.
When our 'joint effort' came along I was vigilant that the boys were treated the same once ringing partner's cousin asking why my son was not invited to wedding...he ended up being invited. At another wedding the photographer's assistant issued 'numbers' to people and you had to listen for your number to be called. Father and son were included in family photos and elder son and I were not. I had this visceral response and tried to wrestle younger son out of photo.
Ultimately younger son got life changing inheritance but not older son.
So my own brother got married to a woman with two children (who each had different fathers), similar ages to my own; I was determined to include them and treat them as family; this was met by my sister-in-law with complete incredulity.
My mother didn't even meet the older boy until the actual wedding and once the younger one was asked to take a chocolate or something back for his 'brother' the response she got from this child was "Oh he isn't my brother he is my half-brother. EWAB pretends her children are brothers but that is really dangerous."
Another brother did not invite children to his wedding, asked if she was upset other brother's wife said "but they're not even related, why should I be upset?"
They even have a weird photo of this giant 'pint glass' in a pub and the boys are trying to 'climb in' with the caption "three halves can't get into a pint."
My children have been brought up to be polite whereas the step-nephews have very formal manners which make them seem 20 years older.
So this weekend the younger son happened to be staying in the same place by sheer coincidence as a step-nephew who was with his dad (Who never takes out his old step son in spite of living together for years) and his new family. With complete confidence nephew came over, shook hands introduced his step and half siblings using those terms. My son was just embarrassed.
My eldest son believes that the sister-in-law's approach is much healthier and my approach just led him to being embarrassed all the time and ultimately disappointed. He feels that from day one if he had called the family by their names and not included it would all have been more honest. He feels his father was never mentioned whereas sister-in-law's ex comes in to chat (father of the youngest nephew elder one's father died). He believes the nephews' confidence stems from knowing what is what from day one. My partner agrees with him and said that I was neurotic wanting to create this ideal 'pretend' family.
To point out sister-in-law's lot are all really ok people and they all get on with each other.

You and your dh decided to get together- not the kids involved. You sound as though you were trying to push them into playing happy families .Children are generally much less enthusiastic about 'blended' families , and you motives for insisiting on pretending they are siblingss is kind of playing along with your dream, rather than recognising the realities, and the kids' feeling on the matter

This ^^

Most adults I know who grew up in blended families have their own issues with it. Some felt second best, others felt like a cuckoo living in the nest of others. It is all about the parents wants not the children's, they get no say and are expected simply to put up with it.

As PP have said, if you'd done something differently you'd be criticised for that, now. Sometimes you just can't win. You did your best.

Thank you for your support; the thing is my sister-in-law is a lovely woman, if you are with her it is like being out with a comedian, she is warm and hilarious and really generous but just very posh.

Her boys, my nephew and the older two, are lovely but very different to my own two. On the odd occasion I have spoken to her on the subject of 'terms' she thinks the use of 'proper terms' is politically correct. She went onto say that by not using proper terms there is a suggestion that the relationships are not real and something to be embarrassed about...I think she brought Thatcher into somewhere!!! If I remember something about playing into the hands of the Tories and conforming.

Her sons, I am sure are happy and secure in their relationships with one another. They all get on well and are individually successful.

My elder boy talked of when we went round to see my nephew when he was born, when we got there her ex, his new wife, her daughter and their daughter were all in there, invited in by her middle son. All very civilized. My son's father does not have a new family but my son said this would never have happened with me and I totally admit I am not 'civilized' and I was somehow embarrassed in the house that day, I don't know why, I just was, just as I was embarrassed when she would ask my son about his father. I also felt physically sick at that wedding when my boys were separated. Nobody was ever rude to my eldest boy though.

I think you shouldn't feel bad despite what your son says - he may have felt embarrassed, but it wasn't you making him embarrassed it was the weird people who wouldn't have him in photos, invite him to events etc.

I really can't imagine anyone being like that - I would welcome any step kids,half siblings /whatever in a heartbeat. But I tend towards the more kids around the merrier - I think the more people you can have in your family - people to care, to be friends with, to have your back, the better.

My Dad's mum had him very young and he was brought up by his grandmother, his mum went on later to have another son with a different partner - my Dad always referred to him as a brother, he also called his Grandma's younger children his brothers and sisters (athough they were uncles and aunts) because that was the kind of relationship he had with them.

Names and technicalitites of relationships don't matter - families can expand to include and love all the variations.

Out of interest did your younger son , who got the big inheritance share with his older brother ?

Wanted to add to my longish post, watching it has hurt me. DP's family is the most welcoming and loving family anyone could ask for. They welcome all new partners and their children with open arms, treat them like part of the family until that link is no longer there. It has made me very wary of getting close and making meaningful relationships with them because if me and DP were to split I would also lose the people I view as family.

My family are more distant, but they are mine so I will always have that link. It's hard. It's been a tough experience for me, as I love children and often just as you get through to them and they start to like and trust you, they no longer see you, through no fault of their own. I'd rather not get involved now and see it happen again. Bet current partners and kids think I'm a bitch. Especially when I'm so loving towards the children that are directly related to me or DP.

It sounds like your dh’s family were just shitholes really. Excluding a child from family wedding photos is ridiculous - I would expect you to kick off big time. Your sil family also sound like shitholes. Seems like you are surrounded by them - no wonder your poor ds has no idea how he fits in. But that isn’t your fault. You didn the right thing.

My elder boy talked of when we went round to see my nephew when he was born, when we got there her ex, his new wife, her daughter and their daughter were all in there, invited in by her middle son. All very civilized.

Yuck.

Maybe your son feels like that because your DP's family are so crap and snotty about including people.
^^ This was my thought. If they'd been decent people he'd probably have your view.

Out of interest did your younger son , who got the big inheritance share with his older brother ?

Doesn't sound like it and that can't have helped his feelings about the situation - even if the money was left to younger son surely as brothers they should have shared it?

As Joboy said "you are a mother you will have done wrong"
I have 4 DCs who are 2 + 2 as in fathers but all 4 are mine.
The fathers disappeared through time so I thought I was doing fine being mother to them all. Life was one big tantrum. They are all grown ups now some with DCs of their own and they are still having tantrums about what this one or that one got. Even now I practically have to count the chips on their plates.
As a result I am tired of it all.
I was alone for years but some time ago I met someone. That person has DCs of their own, all adults some with DCs. I thought I really cant do all this with more DCs.
That someone's DCs are all polite and welcoming towards me.
My DC are still be difficult with each other and only one has been seen by this new person. This was not a good impression as my DC was shouting and swearing and moaning!
I think there is a lot to do with the natures of the people involved. As children I would never have allowed such rudeness in the presence of a friend of mine, As adults there is little I can do about it.

Out of interest did your younger son , who got the big inheritance share with his older brother

It doesn't sound like it or OP would have made a big deal out of it given her stance on the children being treated equal at all times. If that actually was the case she would have shared the inheritance or refused it if that couldn't be done.

It's very common in wedding pictures to have just actual family, step children come and go and aren't actually family despite the parents attempt to portray that.

I think you did your best.

But I do think you were trying to create a family where others didn't see it. They probably wished your son all the best but didn't see him as one of their family. It would have been better if they did (we do in our family) but he isn't actually related to them.

Presumably your younger son's inheritance came through his father's family. Why should that be shared with your son? Will he share anything he gets from his own dad with his younger brother? Does he bring his younger brother with him to his father's side of the family events?

The way your dhs family treated both your children was wrong imo. You come as a package, I agree. It sounds as if this woman was more realistic in accepting that people are often too narcissistic and unable to do the right thing. Thus she managed her children’s expectations accordingly and with no malice. That said, if the children have their own blood relatives, they should also be allowed to be involved as little or as much with their step families as they like. Afterall we are taking about children. Adults should be able to manage themselves.

My dd was treated crappily by her own full blood relative uncle (my sibling) and his wife. So it isn’t just step/half families, which have problems. The only thing you could perhaps have done more of is to talk to both your 2 dses about the behaviour of these people and helped manage their expectations as children. We no longer see my brother and his wife, however, before this I took dd aside several times to help her with her hurt feelings and talk about their behaviour. It was no point addressing them as they are vile humans.

Im very interested by the "step children come and go" mentality here.

If thats the case then can I ask if the same is true to husbands/wives not in your blood family? So if your brother gets married is the wife not included in family pictures? Because surely she can come and go. If my brother married someone I would treat the new wife and her potential kids as a package and as part of my family. More out of respect to my brother than anything, as hes chosen them as his family. But the wife can go just as quickly as the kids do (even quicker probably because he may still see the kids but probably wouldnt want to see the wife after a marriage breakdown). So what do people do in those situations? Would you also exclude the wife from your family pictures as shes not real family?

Sorry to be so blunt but how can two boys who have grown in your womb NOT be brothers??!!

Absolutely ridiculous and how cruel.

My brother and I may not be close but I ever called him my "half brother" he and my mum would be so hurt. We have always been brought up as siblings and I really don't get calling children you live and grow up close to "half" siblings and treating them differently like your partners family does really sounds so sad.

I understand that you did your best, but I’m with your son on this.

Pretending that his Dad didn’t exist and that he was the same relationship to ILs as his half brother must have been really confusing to him and had a poor effect on his own sense of identity which is very fragile at that age.

I guess with the benefit of hindsight the best thing to do might have been introducing him gradually so they got to know him and appreciate him for himself and wanted to include him for his own qualities.

If you expected him to be immediately absorbed and treated as a child they knew since birth and were related to I think you were a bit optimistic. He probably felt embarrassed he was being imposed on people who were essentially strangers. It might have worked out better if you hadn’t forced it quite so much.

Incidentally, is DS1 going to inherit anything from his father’s family? Would you expect him to share that with DS2 as well?

Your SIL's family seem naturally relaxed and confident and maybe your son conflates this with the whole step situation and therefore decides it's your fault.

So be it. Whatever you did came from a good place. Not everyone would have done the same as you and conversely what worked for your SIL's family wouldn't have worked in the same way for another. There's no crystal balls in life but things are very black and white at 18!

People are all different and all families have their own way of doing things.

BUT I am with you on this OP as I have always seen my step and half sisters as sisters. My mum has bought us up together and we never really saw "blood" being the most important thing in a family dynamic. We have many steps/halfs etc in our family. My Granddad is my Mum's "step"-dad but he raised her when her biological father walked out - we will always see my granddad as granddad, wouldn't dream of calling him step-granddad etc! But not everyone in our large family holds this view.

My half-sister's Dad's family were bonkers towards me and my other full-sister, they used to make us stand in the porch but allow our half-sister in to visit or on occasions where we were allowed to enter we would only be given water whereas my half-sister would be spoilt. Ultimately this led to our mum breaking up with my half-sister's dad.

My mum's current partner (of nearly 10 years) treats me and my sister completely different to his kids, fair enough I suppose as we haven't really been bought up together but this does piss my mum off massively as she likes to treat all the siblings equally. My grandparents treat us all the same but their grandparents don't.

Then on my Dad's side, I was upset at how I wasn't included in family shots at my step-sister's wedding. We grew up together from ages 8. Her defence was she wanted to be seen as traditional and wanted to look back at traditional wedding photos, I was extremely hurt as my Dad was included in these families and so was their baby born out of wed-lock so I didn't see them being traditional anyway! But now she is all back to "oh wont be lovely that our kids will be cousins in the same schools" ... yet we aren't sisters right?

I guess to some people they focus on their blood line but for others its more about relationships and how family units live together?

I’m with your son on this too. I know a lot of posters insist on all children being treated exactly the same by extended family but I find that a bit odd. It does depend on the circumstances though.

Thank you. I think Pallisers has it right, my partner's family weren't cruel and wish him well but don't see him as related but he has met my partner's youngest niece on occasion as they have mutual friends.

As for my sister-in-law being a 'shit' she isn't; if she were I could have more easily dismissed her style and approach.

I doubt totally whether my younger son will share his inheritance; it is managed by my mother-in-law's niece's husband....(follow that?). While very upset by that at the time I have processed it.

I never have dismissed my elder boy's father, I loved him very much and he has many good qualities but I don't have that level of sophistication that my sister-in-law has in inviting him in when he used to do the drop offs.

I think that my sons, both of them, feel intimidated by the level of confidence shown by their step-cousins who are of similar ages but act much older.

Thank you for all your support.

All three of mine are technically half siblings but it’s almost never relevant to mention. It might be different as the only father the eldest two have ever known is DH, but they are not treated any differently at all by any of the ILs. All included in wills and have the same savings from grandparents for example.

Everyone does things differently, neither way is right or wrong but I would of gone for a middle ground between what you both did.

I have a half-brother who I wouldn’t even count a family. I have no relationship with him and no desire to have one.

I have a step daughter and two of my own kids with her dad. My brother (full) is getting married next year and I wouldn’t expect her to be in any of his pictures. She’s not his family. If my brother also left my daughter inheritance and not my step daughter I wouldn’t expect my daughter to share her money! It was left to her.

You did what you thought was best, just as your sister in law has done what she thought was best.

Your son has a point, that if you kept pushing your in laws to accept your son when they didn’t want to, it’s embarrassing and upsetting for him.

But part of parenthood is knowing that whatever you do will be the wrong thing! All you can do is explain to your son why you chose that way to handle the situation, without being judgemental about SIL, and say you’re sorry that he wishes you’d done differently but you were doing your best and you can’t go back and change things. But I would respect his wishes from now on and stop pushing him onto your ILs if that’s not what he wants.

We are a blended family. Dh has 3 dc and I have 2. There are no mutual dc. There are 5 years between oldest and youngest. All were in their teens when we married and all now in their 40s. We all consider ourselves one family in terms of weddings etc but eg my Mum wasn’t grandma to the steps as they had two grandmas. However my Aunty was Aunty to them all. Wider family eg cousins haven’t included steps in invites though. If we had been together when they were little I think it would have been different.