To turn down a job I start Monday

[Dooglebuggler]

I’m supposed to be starting a new job on Monday through a recruitment agency. Personal circumstances have meant that today I’ve found out that I can’t accept (DH is a knob of epic proportions and my marriage is over so I can’t do the travel required in new job). How bad form is it to call now and reject offer? Could I get in trouble for this? Black listed from all job agencies for the future is what I’m panicking about.

Call them and be honest with them. Is there anyone who do childcare for a couple of weeks while you find a childminder if you don’t want to have to give up the job?

To be honest I don’t think my head is in the right place to start work. It’s a job with a lot of responsibility and I can hardly function at the moment.

Obviously it's not ideal but no-one ever gets blacklisted from all recruitment agencies - ring them today, explain the circumstances, apologise profusely. You're definitely not the first person to do it I've had a candidate fairly recently who underwent a massive personal upheaval after we'd waited ages for all her security checks etc to come back and a start date to be confirmed. It's crap all round, but it can't be helped.

I just know in a few months I will need to find work for financial reasons if nothing else and I don’t want to blow my chances of finding anything in the future by turning down the opportunity now. My DC need me at home right now. Everything has blown up in our faces out of nowhere.

It's not ideal, certainly not but if it's through a recruitment agency, it could have a negative impact on your future employment. Are you ready to accept it, especially as a change in your circumstances may mean you really need the job to support yourself financially?

I would contact them and see if you can put start date back by a week to allow you to sort something out.

You need the job more than ever if you are splitting up!

I know it's tough as I've started a new job mid divorce and have had all the financial settlement going on and now will be moving house during my probation!

You won’t be the first or the last person to have done this.

It’s not ideal but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Take the job. Being supported by your husband is no longer an option so if you have paid employment open to you you really should be taking it.
It could also have implications for benefits as turning down a job is seen like voluntarily quitting.

I know that’s what I’m struggling with. I hate the thought of letting the company down as well at short notice but my main concern (selfishly) is that I will need work soonish and don’t want to be passed over for opportunities. But I know I can’t do the job right now. Getting out of bed is a struggle. I hate that the person who is supposed to love me the most has done this to me and my DC.

I also think you should phone your new line manager and explain. They may be able to offer a part-time start for example, while you sort out childcare and get your head together!

I hope that it all works out for you OP.

Luckily I won’t need to worry about claiming benefits or anything so that doesn’t matter too much. I wish I could take the job but I can’t. I’m not strong enough. And with my DC’s dad moving out I don’t want them to lose their mum as well with me working long hours and working away. It’s such a mess.

I don’t think you should let the job go OP. Do call the company and see if you can either delay the start or arrange a PT start as suggested above. Going through a recruitment process now and we want the right candidate (which you are!) and would be happy to wait if we had to. What we wouldn’t want to do - although it happens - is have the right candidate cancel and have to re do the process from scratch.
The job may give you some other focus, a break from the horror? I’m so sorry things are so awful for you.

Ah cross posted. You’d actually have to work away/ overnight would you? That does put a different spin on things, how awkward. Try and see if they’ll at least hold it for you - if, in other circumstances, you’d still want the job.
Is it just this job which involves travel? Or the whole industry? ie could you get another without the travel?

I would definitely call the agency and see if they can negotiate a delayed start- a week, two weeks, just to let you get your circumstances under control.

Can you ask them if you can start in a few weeks time? At least give yourself time to sort things out.

Is childcare an issue with work hours? Why does travelling to work depend on (ex)dp?
The job might be just what you need to get yourself motivated

I think you should talk to them. A friend recently lost her dad as she was about to start a new job, they held it open for her for 8 weeks until she was ready.

I’d see what options the company can offer you. Things must be awful now but the job may give you a purpose and financially it will probably help. Sorry you’re going through.

I will call them once I’ve got the DC settled with lunch. We were going to do a swap- DH going from full time to part time and me part time to full time. That’s all gone tits up now obviously.

Of course you are strong enough - people do what they HAVE to do - it just depends on whether you want to do it or not. If you don't, it's simply because you don't want to.

I used to manage a recruitment agency. Explain what's happened. I would have felt bad for you and tried to help and if I couldn't no way would it have counted against you.

I had people pull out just before jobs start many times, it's life. As long as there was a decent reason and they were honest i would be disappointed but never angry.

Sorry life is tough for you at the moment.

Don't let the job go, your first two weeks could be a real boost to your morale. You'll be meeting new people, given support to get you started, you'll hardly have time to feel about what's going on at home. Don't let the situation with your ex impact on your life chances.

Be bold and brave, you need to move forward in your life, so this job opportunity is a great place to start.

HR tend to be very engaged in the early onboarding stages, so if you really must, mention to them you're going through a relationship challenge. They will admire you for your commitment.
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I disagree that you should just take it. If it has a lt of responsibility and you just aren't capable taking it and getting fired will stand you in far worse stead in the long run!

Right.

Let’s start with your STBEXH, clearly he’s a complete and utter wanker that should be thrown to the escaped animals (lions, tigers, cheetahs I believe) in Germany for a mid morning snack. But that’s enough energy wasted on him.

As for the important person here, YOU. Take the job.

I know you feel like you can’t cope with it right now, but you will. The thought of it is worse than the actual doing of it. You’ll do it because you need to do it.

All of this will be hard on the DC, BUT, it’s better to have one lot of upheaval than to get used to a ‘new normal’ (Daddy moving) and then another (Mummy working).

Call them and explain that you’re very sorry, but due to completely unforeseen circumstances you need to delay the start by a week. It’s not great, but you’re worth waiting for! You must be, the choose you!

Do NOT allow cockwomble to fuck the job up for you too.

There are plenty of nannies who will do full overnight weeks if you have to go away for work. Some will charge extra, some will negotiate extra leave in lieu.

STBXH will have to step up too, either in person or financially.

Get a VERY good Solicitor and get as much as you possibly can in the divorce because you will have the responsibility for the children.

I know how much it hurts, I know how much it turns your entire life upside down ((Hug)). I wish I’d had MN at the time! But the best thing you can do right now is get angry and use that energy to move forward fast. Try not to spend this early part dwelling on the past, what ifs etc. Just get moving practically, there will be time for reflection later.

I know it sounds harsh, but it really, really is for the best.