To turn down a job I start Monday

[Dooglebuggler]

I’m supposed to be starting a new job on Monday through a recruitment agency. Personal circumstances have meant that today I’ve found out that I can’t accept (DH is a knob of epic proportions and my marriage is over so I can’t do the travel required in new job). How bad form is it to call now and reject offer? Could I get in trouble for this? Black listed from all job agencies for the future is what I’m panicking about.

I am supposed to start a job Monday, I am yet to receive my employment contract have emailed them asking where it is & have informed them I won’t be starting until I have it.

AIBU?

I’m so sorry to read this OP. Hope the post lunch chat goes ok and you can sort out what works for you.’

Take the job. Explain to them but do take it, you are going to need the money.

livingsymbol

May I suggest you start a new thread?
This isn't the right place to answer your question

I agree with the advice about being brave and bold. Especially if you can negotiate a week's delay to get childcare in place, starting the job will boost your morale. As others have said, it's more daunting in prospect than in reality.

Speak to them. It will take months to find someone else - recruitment process, notice of applicant etc (and it will cost). I know it will not be the first thing on your mind right now, but think long term - for you and DC.

Give the company a right of refusal and headsup as to where you are - don’t start closing doors that might not have to be closed ...

LivingSymbol:

It's the law that the company has to provide a contract within 13 weeks. Some people work in a job for years waiting for their contract.

However back to OP:

You have been given some good advice. Call the agency and say that your domestic circumstances have changed suddenly. Negotiate a later start date because the alternative is you saying you are no longer available.

Even if you end up not starting that job at all, it's better than just not turning up.

You will not be blacklisted from that or any other agency. They will be only to pleased to see you and your cv another day.

(I applied for a job with an agency but got work with an alternative agency and had to turn down an interview with the company from the first agency. Just before my booking was due to end with the alternative agency I started looking for work again with the agency who got me an interview which I could not attend and they got me an interview, albeit with a different organisation which I agreed to attend. I had to phone them back and cancel the interview because my booking got extended. It will not bother me in the slightest to apply for a job with the agency that have so far got me two interviews but I have had to decline both of them. I realise that's interviews not offers but just to illustrate my point. Do not worry. There will be work and other job offers for you another day when you are ready.)

Call the company, explain that you have a family emergency that means your childcare plans will need to be reorganised.

Tell them how pleased and excited you are about the job and request a later starting date to enable you to get your childcare sorted and enable you to start the job focussed and ready to succeed.

Good luck - don't let this opportunity pass you by.

Of course you are strong enough - people do what they HAVE to do - it just depends on whether you want to do it or not. If you don't, it's simply because you don't want to.

This

Ask if it would be possible to put back starting for a few weeks? Explain he situation. You never know what they might say

You actually need to pull yourself together. So he's left... yes it's shit but you've children to take care of. Take the job and show them that mum has got this. Show them that you are strong and capable of taking care of yourself and them. Don't potentially fuck up a job that you need for a pity party. If he's gone he's gone and he wasn't right for you.

Oh, heck that's so shite... I'm so sorry....

My gut feel is you should take it. You've seen that the financial arrangements with STBXH can be changed in a moment, once you separate nothing is quite as it was and nothing is predictable any more, even if you are amicable. The lines get drawn and people become defensive.

You have to be realistic and extremely protective about income and, unless you have pots and pots in the bank seek to maximise it and secure it. Solicitors cost thousands. Buying out/remortgaging/deposits/replacing furniture following separation - thousands. Childcare even if you're working part time, when your X can't or won't bridge the cost - it's all money. I know it's shite. I really know. I had to go up to full time after separation to afford to stay in the family home (moving out would have been even more traumatic for kids) and the extra work on top of the upset was torture. But I got the payslips, secured the remortgage and now we're secure.

You don't say how old your child is - all I can advise is that whatever the changes are, the more you appear OK and in control the calmer they will be. It's horrible. Just awful. You really do have to be strong for them and that includes securing an income. I'm so sorry it's happened like this for you.

Take the job!!!!

Posters need to stop telling OP to take the job. She has already said she doesn't want to. So stop hounding her and giving opposite advice to what has specifically been asked. It doesn't matter what you think, it's OPs life and she feels she needs to be at home at the moment.

OP YANBU, if you feel this isn't the right time for you then that's ok. There will be other jobs.

The OP asked if it was unreasonable to turn the job down, posters saying “take the job” are as entitled as you to post Weirdy and collectively might come up with solutions to float the OP over the next few weeks.

I agree, askbif you can defer your start date by a week. See a solicitor in that time and work out childcare. You’ll need to do that whatever so you might as well crack on.

Clearly your DH is a wanker, this cannot be denied, but what you do next will define the next stage. Man or mouse OP?

Has no one read the OP? The job requires travel not reasonable when she’s suddenly become a single parent. It may well be something she can do in the future but no one could say she was unreasonable to not want further disruption right now.

OP - explain what has happened to both recruitment consultant and new employer. They will understand.

With such a valid reason you won’t be blacklisted.

An employer delayed a start date by two months as my mother’s terminal illness deteriorated rapidly and she needed full-time care.

I called and left a message at midnight on Saturday night saying I couldn’t start on Monday and they called me back on Monday morning.

At first the person tried to emotionally blackmail me into starting immediately but I told her, very politely, to get lost. She then phoned back with the two month offer.

By the time I arrived, she had been sacked (damning exit interview from my predecessor). The emotional blackmail bit had been her approach, the two month delay offer was the response of her boss to the situation i.e. these things happen, best to support people in their hour of need rather than cut them adrift.

The agency who found me the job were ringing me asking me to consider other roles within a few months of my actually starting that job.

I managed to delay start date by 3
weeks which will give me time to think at least. Thank you for all suggestions, I never would have thought of asking for a delayed start.

I'm delighted that you managed to negotiate a delayed start.

Best of luck to you.

Good on you OP.

It might be worth having a chat with the actual employer (not the agency) to see if you can work out the travel aspect aswell, bearing in mind your new circumstances. If they won’t/can’t budge, maybe it’s not the best employer/role for you.

One of the best bits of advice I’ve ever heard in relation to us women who can be so easily left in this picarious situation of essentially left holding the baby came from Judge Judy. She said whatever you do, as a woman, don’t give up your means of earning a living and being financially independent. As nice as it is to say your kids need you, yes they do, but they also need food on the table provided by a reliable source of income. This needs to be provided by you, not whatever might or might not come from your STBXH.

That's the spirit...well done on negotiating!

Excellent!

You’re already showing how strong and resourceful you are! You can and will do this. Good luck.

Dooglebuggler, I am so sorry to read what has happened to you. I am really pleased for you that you posted here and got such helpful suggestions which enabled you to get yourself some time to breathe! Good luck - you managed to get yourself out of bed to make that call, so I am sure you will manage to work out what is best and sort things out. Things are looking better now than when you posted first earlier today.

That's brilliant OP. They clearly want you and that's really good news.

Keep the lines of communication open with them. If you need a further extension you can ask for it, but would be good to be able to give them sufficient notice beforehand and an outline plan of when/how you are going to do this.