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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dh to share his bonus

91 replies

Mummynotmama · 31/05/2018 19:22

Dh and I put our monthly pay into a shared account, transferring ourselves an equal amount of own spending money and the rest goes to bills and savings. I make £500 more per month so put more in. This works well and I think it’s fair to have the same amount to spend each as we work equally hard.

However, he gets a bonus twice a year. He will usually spend some of it on treating us both to a nice meal but spends a big proportion of it on himself e.g. towards a holiday with his friends, new clothes or a gadget. It’s just occurred to me that this isn’t very fair! Or is it...?!

OP posts:

Pa1oma · 31/05/2018 20:46

This is outrageous Not only should he share his bonus with you OP, he should actively want to and insist that it's family money. How old is he - 7? What is the mentality of some people fgs? It doesn't matter its £50 or £5 million. The principle is the same and it's about an attitude of mind, not money.

llangennith · 31/05/2018 20:48

Of course he should share his bonus.

C0untDucku1a · 31/05/2018 20:48

spank it on yourself

Pollaidh · 31/05/2018 20:48

Our situation is slightly different- I work PT as I do more of the childcare, and earn well, but less, and my bonus is only up to 10% of that. DH works FT in a corporate role, a high earner and large quarterly, annual and random bonuses.

We're pretty well off, and DH puts in a lot more of his salary to the joint account. Any extra from monthly salary from both of us is saved in our own accounts and invested, usually long term. Bonus usually ends up split between his savings account, his pension pot, and general expenses like renovations, holidays etc. For tax efficiency he'll transfer excess money to my savings accounts, ISA etc. It's all 'family money'. If he wants to spend some of it on a large ticket item purely for him, or I do, then it would be discussed between us first. In fact if either of us feels the need to spend more than about £300 on any single item, we'd discuss it - nothing formal, just over breakfast or whatever.

When he gets £k from his parents at xmas, it's slightly different. He'd typically save/put it towards stuff like a new kitchen, but if he wanted to buy something large and expensive for himself, then I wouldn't feel I had a say there as it's a present to him. If money were tight though I'd probably argue that that was family money too.

UserV · 31/05/2018 20:49

YANBU. If you put all your money in the shared pot, even though you earn £6K a year more, he absolutely SHOULD be putting his bonus in - whether it's a fiver, or five thousand!

RafikiIsTheBest · 31/05/2018 20:50

We have a similar setup, all incoming money goes into the joint account. But my DP earns much more than me, so I always encouraged him to keep his bonus or to choose something for us both to do (weekend away or similar) without any pressure, if we are short on money it goes into the joint account. He's done a lot over the years and taken on much more than his fair share including being my career. However, he no longer gets a bonus.
If I was earning more but didn't get a bonus then I would feel very differently. It's not fair you're working hard, he's working hard, but he gets more than you even though you bring home more. It either needs to be equal to what you bring home ie both keep a % of your income or needs to be same £ wise including bonuses. If you can afford it I'd suggest taking the same amount of bonus from the joint pot, if not getting him to keep % of his bonus and you get the same from the joint pot.

Candyflip · 31/05/2018 20:52

Yes, notvery but not really in one pot. I keep my own money in my own name, because you know, I am a separate adult.

Underworld345 · 31/05/2018 20:52

But if it was the other way round..he earned more but you got bonuses. I bet most MN would be saying squirrel that away!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2018 20:53

He’s taking the piss.

Quite simple, stop putting the extra £500 in and see how he likes it.

If his bonus is more than £6k then still ask for half of it.

Cheeky bugger. What’s yours is his and what’s his is also his? Ffs.

Pollaidh · 31/05/2018 20:53

And as a PP says, DH's bonus can be more than my annual PT salary, so if it wasn't shared then he'd be living a luxury lifestyle whilst I scrimped and saved and the children went around in rags.

perfectstorm · 31/05/2018 20:57

But if it was the other way round..he earned more but you got bonuses. I bet most MN would be saying squirrel that away!!

Then you'd bet wrong.

The higher earner pays in all their wages to the shared pot, so both have absolutely equal spending money, as is right and fair. The rest goes on shared bills and savings, which would be seen as family money if they were to split, belonging to both equally.

The lower earner benefits from this arrangement, and also squirrels away their bonus as personal spends.

The lower earner has a lot more spending money than the higher earner does. The higher earner pays in considerably more to their shared family funds, yet gets considerably less personal spending money.

How is that fair? The mantra on MN is always that both parties should have equal personal spending money, and equal personal time to themselves. That clearly is not happening here.

Why is the sex relevant?

PrincessFiorimonde · 31/05/2018 20:58

So you are the higher earner, but you run the family budget in such a way that both you and H get equal spending money... except that twice a year he gets a chunk of extra spending money and doesn't share it.
No, it's not fair. How did your relationship end up in a position where he 'deserves' treats and luxuries more than you do?

Absolutely!

Sparkletastic · 31/05/2018 21:04

Pop your £500 per month into your own 'bonus fund' account. You may occasionally spend some of it on him. You may not. What's good for the goose....

KERALA1 · 31/05/2018 21:11

So he subscribes to the "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too" philosophy. Lovely.

TwitterQueen1 · 31/05/2018 21:17

Good point Kitty. Maybe there could be an agreement whereby each person gets their own bonus out of the shared money? I do think it's really important than when you're both flogging your guts out month in, month out, there should be some kind of 'ME ME ME ME' money.

rjay123 · 31/05/2018 21:28

Work out how much extra you have paid in over the last year. Then ask him for half of that, and half of the remainder of the bonus. That’ll put you even!

So for instance. He pays in £1000 a month (12000pa)

You pay in £1300 (15600pa)

He gets 5k bonus. You get half of the 3600 extra you paid - £1800. Plus half of the 3200 remainder.

So 1800+1600 = your share... 3400. He gets 1600. Then all annualised income is even.

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