Page 3 | To expect dh to share his bonus

Mummynotmama · 2018-05-31T18:22:23+00:00

Dh and I put our monthly pay into a shared account, transferring ourselves an equal amount of own spending money and the rest goes to bills and savings. I make £500 more per month so put more in. This works well and I think it’s fair to have the same amount to spend each as we work equally hard. However, he gets a bonus twice a year. He will usually spend some of it on treating us both to a nice meal but spends a big proportion of it on himself e.g. towards a holiday with his friends, new clothes or a gadget. It’s just occurred to me that this isn’t very fair! Or is it...?!

VivaKondo · 31/05/2018 20:03

Candy if you’re u are married, you will only have half of your savings if you separate.
If you are not married, then he is stupid sorry.....

TwitterQueen1 · 31/05/2018 20:04

I'm sticking my head up above the barricade here to say that YABU. I am 100% committed to there being only 'family' money when you are a committed couple. HOWEVER.. a bonus is different. It's the only personal, 'my luxury item' opportunity a working person gets. We each need something that is exclusively our own with which to reward ourselves.

Both my exH and I got bonuses. It was the only personal money we had and it was fantastic! One year I blew mine on a beautiful ring. He bought posh speakers another year. It was the only time we ever had 'me money' and it worked for both of us.

perfectstorm · 31/05/2018 20:05

I think some people would say differently if it were the wife that was the lower earner yet in receipt of a bi-yearly bonus. I think some would say she shouldn't share it.

I'd say that IF they paid equal amounts into a shared account, for expenses, despite his being the higher earner. Then she should keep her bonus, absolutely, if they have separate finances in this sort of a way. But in a situation where the higher earner contributes more, and both have absolutely equal spending money taken out... why is one person, who pays in less at that, able to keep extra spending?

If the agreement is that they have equal money to spend, and contribute proportionately to earnings, then I can't see how anyone would say it was okay for either of them to squirrel away their bonus, whatever the sexes, if that was also the lower earner who contributed less through the year. It would be a bit fairer if they were the higher earner, so already taking a salary hit. And very fair if they had separate finances, and paid in the same amount regardless of earnings. But this? No.

SoyDora · 31/05/2018 20:05

DH’s bonus is really high, if he kept it to himself we’d have massively different lifestyles!

Candyflip · 31/05/2018 20:06

Don’t live in the U.K. viva so actually our approach works well for us. Hope we don’t split up though as have been together for ever!!

0hCrepe · 31/05/2018 20:10

I don’t understand why as a married couple you don’t just put everything together and have a joint account and a savings account. Unless one of you has a spending problem!

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2018 20:10

I allocated dhs bonus to various expenditures earlier this year. When mine comes in I’ll do the same (will be 3x his). It’s family money. In your case I’d suggest contributing equally and saving your extra as your bonus and see how fair he thinks that is! The bonuses for us go mostly to savings, Xmas fund, holiday fund, one off purchases eg furniture.

YetAnotherNewName1000 · 31/05/2018 20:16

I think he's a CF. You pay in 6k more per year, but when he earns more, he gets to keep it...outrageous. It's all earnings, whether it monthly, or in the form of a bonus.

kittymamma · 31/05/2018 20:17

I'm sticking my head up above the barricade here to say that YABU. I am 100% committed to there being only 'family' money when you are a committed couple. HOWEVER.. a bonus is different. It's the only personal, 'my luxury item' opportunity a working person gets. We each need something that is exclusively our own with which to reward ourselves.

And in a situation where OP got a bonus I would agree with you. However, it is worth remembering that lots of places of employment don't have bonuses. I am a teacher, and am unlikely to get a bonus any time, ever and I am pretty good at my job. My DH however does get bonuses in the form of dividend cheques and other bonuses, these go straight into the joint account.

Redken24 · 31/05/2018 20:18

We have a shared account but his bonus he can spend n whatever he likes.
I buy stuff all the time with our money and he doesn't so don't really care.

But if your bothered then so should he be.

Petalflowers · 31/05/2018 20:18

I think it depends on the amount. If it were a few hundred pounds, I don’t think I would mind. If it were thousands, I would be more annoyed. Fair enough to treat himself, but not the whole amount.

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2018 20:19

Bonuses vary by industry as per the pp. it’s not that one person in the marriage is working really hard and getting recognised for it while the other plods in. It’s that one happens to be in a career with bonuses. It’s part of the job really.

Jamiem80 · 31/05/2018 20:21

If you both pay a fair percentage of the bills and then what's left is your own then the same should apply to his bonus assuming it's not a one off. Also it depends on what it's being spent on and how much? If it's something really important to your husband do you begrudge him that? Or is it a significant amount and being frittererd away

IHeartKingThistle · 31/05/2018 20:24

I earn about 20% of what DH does due to being part time. I get no bonus. DH gets a nice bonus once a year. For the last decade he has put every penny into doing up our house and never once suggested keeping any for himself. Now the house is done he uses it for family holidays and the odd thing for himself (which I have to encourage). I think your DH needs to understand how marriage works a bit better.

mummmy2017 · 31/05/2018 20:25

You say your paying in more each month... so when he gets his. Bonus just take the same out of the savings.... and tell him you well spend it personal treats

Notveryladylike · 31/05/2018 20:26

Candyflip
So you do share your money then 😂

NotTheQueen · 31/05/2018 20:29

I earn double what my DH does, but he gets a bonus of around 1.5k each year. We each keep the same amount of spends each month, and his bonus gets into the joint pot. I also get more leave than him, but I use it for the good of us both as I cover the days when work is being done on our home; this month we’re replacing the boiler, the flooring downstairs and soundproofing upstairs... so we’re both paying but I’m the one having four days off work from my annual leave to provide access.
That’s what team work is about - sharing the good and bad

AllMYSmellySocks · 31/05/2018 20:31

Of course it's not fair, you pay more in so that he gets the same spending money except he ends up with more because of his bonus.

C0untDucku1a · 31/05/2018 20:31

Have the conversation with him

ReanimatedSGB · 31/05/2018 20:32

So you are the higher earner, but you run the family budget in such a way that both you and H get equal spending money... except that twice a year he gets a chunk of extra spending money and doesn't share it.
No, it's not fair. How did your relationship end up in a position where he 'deserves' treats and luxuries more than you do?

londoneast · 31/05/2018 20:35

If you are not struggling I think yabvu op.

crispysausagerolls · 31/05/2018 20:35

So you are the higher earner, but you run the family budget in such a way that both you and H get equal spending money... except that twice a year he gets a chunk of extra spending money and doesn't share it.
No, it's not fair. How did your relationship end up in a position where he 'deserves' treats and luxuries more than you do?

This

sparkleandsunshine · 31/05/2018 20:39

My dp always puts his bonus towards family things, and the couple of times he’s wanted to buy himself something he has always given me an equal amount to spend, which is even more meaningful to me now that I only work 2 days a week due to childcare and don’t have much spare after the few bills I pay, i think if you split everything else fairly then why does he get to have extra enjoyment from this and not you, not fair x

Firenight · 31/05/2018 20:40

Same set up here - I earn more too never get a bonus but my husband’s bonus always seems to coincide with him needing to clear overdraft.

Maelstrop · 31/05/2018 20:44

Siphon off your extra £500 a month into a separate ‘Spoil Mummynotmama’ fund then spank it on yourself. Simple. He’s doing the same, effectively.