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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dh to share his bonus

91 replies

Mummynotmama · 31/05/2018 19:22

Dh and I put our monthly pay into a shared account, transferring ourselves an equal amount of own spending money and the rest goes to bills and savings. I make £500 more per month so put more in. This works well and I think it’s fair to have the same amount to spend each as we work equally hard.

However, he gets a bonus twice a year. He will usually spend some of it on treating us both to a nice meal but spends a big proportion of it on himself e.g. towards a holiday with his friends, new clothes or a gadget. It’s just occurred to me that this isn’t very fair! Or is it...?!

OP posts:
Puttingthefootdown · 31/05/2018 19:41

He's a CF.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2018 19:42

I don't understand the issue really. If you're not struggling and are financially ok, what difference does it make.

I earn more than my husband. We both contribute a percentage of our incomes to manage our home and joint expenses. He gets a bonus. I don't want it. I can't imagine asking him for it, because I contribute more. I can only imagine doing this if we were struggling. But we aren't. Neither are you, so why do you wish him to not spend it on himself and to have it off him?

honeylulu · 31/05/2018 19:43

I think if he won't share, you should opt not to share your "bonus" 500 a month.
You share on the basis that you both work equally hard, so ... it works both ways or it's unfair.
It reminds me of that saying "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. "

FrangipaniBlue · 31/05/2018 19:43

I think I'd be putting my "extra salary" in my own separate savings and keeping the family pot equal.

Then treating myself from my savings now and again!

Puttingthefootdown · 31/05/2018 19:44

The issue is all year round she puts more in the pot, and at the end of the year he gets a bonus to himself. He's laughing at you!

YearOfYouRemember · 31/05/2018 19:44

I'm a sahm so contribute nothing financially. If dh gets a bonus he always shares it equally with me. Half might go into savings or pension but the other half is split equally between us. Without me being at home he wouldn't be getting a bonus potentially…

SongforSal · 31/05/2018 19:46

Yeah. I think it is unfair. If you didn't put the extra 500 in each month to make things equal, he would logically have less disposable as you are effectively topping it up each month.

I got a bonus last month, it was fairly modest and DP asked me what I was going to buy with it, and the only thing I want to do is put it toward our holiday as we will all benefit. Personally I would feel odd keeping it to myself. If you are a family, money should be equal iyswim.

Candyflip · 31/05/2018 19:47

This is why I don’t get the “family pot” thing. Why not keep your finances separate and both contribute to household/children expenses? I am a saver and my husband is a spender, we both benefit from each other’s ways, but there would be no fucking way I would pool our money.

VivaKondo · 31/05/2018 19:47

His bonus is a salary and can’t be compared to a birthday gift for example.
If you put all your wages in, then he should do the same.

Or consider that he has extra ‘pocket money’ for himself so you should too.

Obvioulsy it depends on how much the bonus is. If it’s £100~200 I would let it go much more easily then if it’s £4K every 6 months iyswim.

Puttingthefootdown · 31/05/2018 19:48

I'm a firm believer that if you are in a long term commited relationship working towards goals together and you both contribute to the family equally.
Whether that be one works while the other takes care of the children enabling the other to work.
Or both working doing their bit.
Every single penny should be split right down the middle.
Even if my partner wins on the horses or whatever, he always transfers me half. That's how it should be. You should both be able to live happy along side each other with zero resentments.
That's when trouble starts.

VivaKondo · 31/05/2018 19:49

Candy can I ask?
So being the saver, does it mean it’s you who is always picking up the pieces when you have an unexpected expense (let’s say the car has broken down or the boiler needs replacing)???
Whilst the one who is spending can spend the money on whatever the want and just ‘enjoy themsleves’ wo à care in the world BECAUSE there is someone who is careful for them....

woder · 31/05/2018 19:50

Blatantly, 100% not fair, if all your money goes in, then all his money goes in.

He's definitely a huge CF.

Puttingthefootdown · 31/05/2018 19:50

The same way you should both put equal into the savings iyswim.

Returnofthesmileybar · 31/05/2018 19:51

Yep the bonus gets shared or you save the 500 a month and pay yourself bonuses too once it accumulates

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 31/05/2018 19:51

He is a CF!

I get no bonus, DH gets a large-ish bonus. Bonus is spent on family stuff. I often make him buy himself a gift out of it too, but if he does it's always small in comparison to the total amount. That's the recognition that he makes a sacrifice by working full time to allow me to be at home part of the week.

LapsedHumanist · 31/05/2018 19:52

When any bonuses come we agree an amount we’ll get each to spend on whatever we fancy (sometimes we pool them and go on holiday) and put the rest in savings.

Singlenotsingle · 31/05/2018 19:54

I think you'll have to tell him that in future you'll put the same money into the pot as he does. Any extra you'll consider to be your bonus, and put it away in a pot marked "mummy". A separate pot!

Ruffian · 31/05/2018 19:54

I don't think you should put more into the joint savings, it should be the same each, putting more was bound to cause resentment somewhere along the line.

Put your extra into your own a/c, that's your money and his money is his.

endofagain · 31/05/2018 19:55

DH and I share all our money. Have done for the last 34 years.
Which is just as well because I suddenly became ill and disabled. He looks after me and supports me. I cannot envisage a marriage that didn't work that way.
So I think he absolutely should share his bonus.

Ruffian · 31/05/2018 19:55

*his bonus is his

BewareOfDragons · 31/05/2018 19:56

Your DH is a selfish jerk.

I wouldn't have children with him if he defends this behaviour. You'll end up paying for them, too, while he keeps 'his' bonus money for himself.

Candyflip · 31/05/2018 19:59

No, He basically pays for everything and I save everything. So in that respect our money is pooled. However I am in a stronger position if we were to split up as I own more properties and have more savings. But this is what we feel is fair as I am not as high an earner as I took time out to raise our family.

Mammalamb · 31/05/2018 20:00

He’s a CF.

I’d suggest you put equal amounts into joint spends each month. Then you keep the extra that you earn and he keeps his bonus

feathermucker · 31/05/2018 20:01

How much is the bonus and how much extra than him do you put in?

(I know you said you earn £500 more but how much do you put in?)

I think some people would say differently if it were the wife that was the lower earner yet in receipt of a bi-yearly bonus. I think some would say she shouldn't share it.

perfectstorm · 31/05/2018 20:01

Heads he wins, tails you lose in this arrangement.

You earn more, so pay more in. But when he earns more, he keeps it.

There's no way that can be justified. None.