Softzilla, the police

[Unreasonableunreasonableness]

I can't update just now but here's the new thread. I will update later when I can.

• of her

I think if you let her get there first and then arrive later, it looks as though you are muscling in on her territory and she may feel that she has the upper hand and right to be there. If you are already there when she arrives, you are asserting your right to be there, iyswim.

If you arrive second you are walking in to a place she is so if anything were to happen and you raise it to the police I imagine her argument would be I arrived she wasn't there so I carried on as normal she could even spin it that one of your friends must have let you know she was there in and that's why you went. It won't be the truth but it will make things harder if she carries on and you need to make a case I think (not legal at all)

I also don't think going early is a good idea it could be twisted I think that you are making it hostile for her. I know that wouldn't be it but she's mad so logic and truth are irrelevant

I think you should arrive on time at the start as normal. Ideally with a friend for your support but as I'm sure you have done before. That is just you carrying on with your life. Then I think if anything were to happen what could she say? That's what I would do. Remember you haven't done anything wrong so while this is a horrible situation for you, you shouldn't have to change anything you would normally do.

I agree with that. If you turn up and she has to leave due to her unreasonable behaviour, some people will see you as stirring the pot. Whereas if you’re already there surrounded by supportive people, she will be seen as the aggressor.

@Unreasonableunreasonableness Very sorry, I must have got my wires crossed.

Also, I think everyone else is right, go early and set up. That way you are there and calm before everyone else arrives and also you can spot your actual real friends as they come in and make sure you have some support around you - make sure you are sitting with people who will be helpful, I mean, not that you should start canvassing support as soon as you get there. I can just imagine SZ arriving and popping herself in the midst of your friends so you feel uncomfortable to go over.

Yes I agree with the group leader.

This is essentially a power struggle for softzilla. I think tactically you are in a much weaker position if you let her arrive first and see you walk in 'to her territory/friendship group' late.

Stand a united front with the group leader and go set up early. One witness is all you need anyway. Give her a pitying look of disapproval if she turns up then absolutely no eye contact after that. Any attempts she makes to talk to you, have others ready to get her out.

She really must have a miserable life.

I really think you should go early. If she turns up - and she'll have some gall if she does - then I think the right thing to be done is her to be approached by the group leader and let her know that unfortunately she isn't welcome any longer.

I agree with this.

The group leader has been really supportive so I'd go with her suggestion.

I think that you have had a tough time - and that you should do whatever feels best to you just now. Fight the battles you have to - when you feel strong.

What I'll do then I think is aim to be on time but arrive with party mum so I'm not going on my own.i do get the argument that if she's there already it does then look like I'm invading her space.
I haven't had any notifications saying that I've had any missed calls etc. But I have had a message from her SIL person asking if I really called the police. I haven't replied yet.

Just ignore her sil as well

Don’t reply. SZ will get off on any communication, including secondhand.

There’s no reason for you to reply, and every reason not to.

Completely ignore the SIL - it’s none of her business

Don't respond at all if the SIL contacts you again follow the same rules as with softzilla a firm and clear don't contact me again! If needed you escalate it again to the police. Rinse and Repeat till she runs out of people prepared to contact you.

SZ isn't ashamed of it then! I'd be keeping it quiet.

You have no business with her sil. Keep it that way.

Report her contact to the Police

I’m with @Gemini69 on this one, just for posterity. Don’t engage with the SIL as SZ is trying to open dialogue by proxy.

Is this the friend you didn't realise was related to her? If she's a close enough friend to you personally then maybe you want to send her a bland response later, though you could check with the police as to what to do in these circumstances.

Good to hear from you op. That sounds like a plan.

I’d echo what pp are saying about the sil. I’d bet she’s spun some story to use her as a way of getting to you. I’d mention it to your police person

I would let the police officer know SIL has contacted you, just to keep them in the loop and follow their advice.

Don't reply to SIL or have any contact with her until you have spoken to the police and got some guidance from them.

Keep on keeping on

Just dipped back in to this thread - poor you OP.

I chose to phone the police last year as someone doing some work for me had been very badly treated by exemployer who was then furious she had nice new job. Ex-employer started phoning and texting and accusing her of stealing something and threatening to turn up.

Police took it very seriously and were very interested and gave us great advice about language employee should use with stalker lady, ie to explicitly ask her to cease contact etc. I was surprised how engaged they were tbh. I very much phoned in the spirit of ‘just looking for advice, very much want to defuse situation, but do not want her turning up at our work’... the police were as pp said pleased to be able to give advice early on and also to have a record (the infamous ‘logged with the police’!) to start from if she’d continued to harass employee. Their next move if ex-employer hadn’t gone away was to have gone and had an informal chat with her.

Sounds like she may have finally got the hint OP 🤞🏻