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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to throttle DP

62 replies

Peregrine1 · 31/05/2018 15:06

Peregrine1

Partner ages ago said he wanted a baby. We talked about it. I took some convincing but agreed in the end. We’ve been together 5 years and are happy. Not married because I don’t want to for reasons unrelated to this (he did ask).

A year on during, which we’ve had a lot of unprotected sex, I’m late. I’m never late. Also got signs that I might be pregnant such as the sore boobs and loads of cervical discharge in the luteal phase which isn’t normal.

But all pee tests have been negative. 5 days late now. Tried first response early ones. Done the tests right. Booked it to see Drs

However being late seems to have done something weird to my partner. He broke down in tears saying he didn’t want to lose his freedom and he wasn’t ready for a baby. He’s suggesting abortion now 😕. He wants time to enjoy being with me and having fun rather than the stress of a baby.

Is this normal? Should I take him at his word and make decisions what to do based on that or could this just be fear? Would it be unreasonable to throttle him.....

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2018 15:08

What do you want?

And I’d think long and hard about having children and not being married when he’s as flaky as this.

lamerde · 31/05/2018 15:09

No it’s not normal.

Wait to see if you’re actually pregnant and then it’s time for some stern words and deep thinking on your part about whether he’s the right man for you

ShatnersWig · 31/05/2018 15:09

Do what YOU want to do. Ignore anything he is saying.

mouseistrapped · 31/05/2018 15:09

That's a bit of a deal breaker to behave like that. Its leaving you high and dry, very childish and would also make me question whether I would want to father a child with him- yanbu to want to throttle him!

SparklyMagpie · 31/05/2018 15:11

Wait till pregnancy Is confirmed

And then have a long hard think about whether this is someone you want to be with

maxthemartian · 31/05/2018 15:12

Actually it must be fairly comment for people, even people who have agreed to have a baby, to completely panic when faced with the reality of it. It's about the most life-changing thing you can do, after all.
But I'd be irritated by the lack of support and the dramatics on his part.

SparklyMagpie · 31/05/2018 15:12

Oh an YANBU

What a dick

SparklyMagpie · 31/05/2018 15:13

And also, if you arnt pregnant, I would get straight onto some form of contraception as you know his feelings

Motoko · 31/05/2018 15:16

Sounds like he liked the idea of starting a family, but once it became a reality, he's become shit scared at the responsibility.

IF you are pregnant, do not let him pressure you into having an abortion. Only have one if it's medically required, or YOU decide it's the best option for YOU.

As for going forward, I think you need to think very carefully if he's the right man for you.

mummymeister · 31/05/2018 15:16

he sounds very childish to be honest. he goes on about having a baby but the minute it looks like it might actually happen he backs off.

you cant rely on him so you are going to have to rely on yourself and do what you want. don't be pressured either way - into having the baby or terminating.

he sounds like a bit of manchild to be honest. perhaps you have a dodged a bullet here OP.

BewareOfDragons · 31/05/2018 15:24

So he talked you into wanting a baby because he wanted lots of unprotected sex ... and when his unprotected sex may have actually resulted in a baby, he's not ready?!?!

What a fucking asshole.

This is not someone who is mature enough to be a father, let alone be in a relationship.

CocoAndTheChocolates · 31/05/2018 15:25

To echo everyone else, you really can't rely on him. Make your own decisions from this point

MeMyShelfandIkea · 31/05/2018 15:32

How old is your DP?

Original poster

Peregrine1 · 31/05/2018 15:34

He’s 31. Normally he’s far from immature

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 31/05/2018 15:35

I'd throttle him down below. Make your decision on what you really want, factoring in that you might well be a single parent. AND go back on contraception. Or ditch him, throttled or not.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2018 15:35

Pregnant or not I'd definitely drop anyone who behaved like this.

NordicNobody · 31/05/2018 15:36

Personally this would be a leaving offence for me. I'd never ever trust him again. And I'd strongly suspect him not to stick around if you ever did have a baby - that or he'd spend every second out with his mates saying things like "well I did tell you I wasn't ready, I did ask you to have an abortion". Nope, I'd be done done done.

madcatladyforever · 31/05/2018 15:37

Does he think that you can just toddle off and have an abortion without any consequences just because he can't grow up and be a man.
Pathetic, I would be dumping him.

happypoobum · 31/05/2018 15:37

YANBU

He sounds rather pathetic. As he doesn't appear to know his own mind from one day to the next, you should make your decisions based purely on what you want. I can't imagine wanting to stay with him after this.

How will you feel going through a pregnancy at any point in the future, knowing he liable to suddenly flip like this?

hellsbellsmelons · 31/05/2018 15:41

Your body - your decision.
If this is something you want then you might find he 'comes around'.
He could just be freaking out at the thought of it all.
It is overwhelming.
But you've had 5 years of fun and if you want your pregnancy to continue (if that is what it is) then that's a decision for you to make.

cjt110 · 31/05/2018 15:41

I think sometimes the realisation of parenthood can do funny things. I was told I might have fertility issues. DH and I thought thought we'd have ages before I fell pregnant. I was pregnant within 4 weeks. It was a huge shock to both of us, even though our son, now almost 4, was planned and wanted.

My husband went into denial a little at first. I wanted to do a test as I had a funny sensation in my stomach. He said I was imagining it and proceeded to insist it was negative as the box said it needed to be "A clear line" or similar words and it was faint. He was still in shock when I bought a clear blue and it showed him, in words I was pregnant. We both were shocked and thought it not real until I had an early scan at what turned out to be 8 weeks.

Maybe it is time to talk, really, truly and honestly about what you both want. Maybe the realisation he really might be a father has shocked him. Do it. Make your feelings clear and he make his clear too. You can't take it back once it happens.

Have you confirmed, via something like clear blue if you are actually pregnant? I note you have a DR's appointment and many tests taken.

Doofenschmirtz · 31/05/2018 15:42

I would lose all respect for someone who persuaded their partner to have repeated unprotected sex, and then started weeping and wailing when they thought their partner might be pregnant.

I would not be able to continue being in a relationship with someone who then suggested that their partner go through an abortion just so that he could carry on having "fun".

Hogtini · 31/05/2018 15:43

If he wants to abort a baby that potentially doesn't even exist then I think that says all you need to know about this 'man'. Cut your losses now and look after yourself.

Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2018 15:47

"Is this normal?" Normal for some men but pretty shitty behaviour too. And even though panicking may be normal, suggesting an abortion after talking your partner into conceiving is not normal.

"Should I take him at his word and make decisions what to do based on that or could this just be fear?" No, of course you should not make decisions based on what he thinks.

I'd be reviewing the relationship and thinking about whether I wanted to stay with him or not.

"Would it be unreasonable to throttle him." Yes, sadly you cannot throttle him but I would simply tell him the deed is done and you are expecting your (plural baby).

Enjoy your pregnancy and baby. He will fall in love with baby on sight and hopefully won't fuck up your relationship over the next 9 months, but who knows!

MeMyShelfandIkea · 31/05/2018 15:48

5 years together is plenty long enough to spend time enjoying yourselves as a couple. I don't think I'd be able to get past this personally.

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