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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed of with being called a lesbian when im not one.

78 replies

Mummyduck10 · 31/05/2018 10:57

I see my best friend of 10 years very regularly about 3 times a week we have always been very close we also talk on the phone almost every day my dh and her partner are also good friends as are our children.

Any day that I plan to see my friend my dh always comes out with a ridiculous comment like "Are you going to see your lesbian lover?" Or "What are you two sissor sisters going today? Going to sissor each other?"

I know he's joking but I dont really find it funny and I'm starting to think he is jealous of our friendship although I'm not really sure why as me and dh usually get on well.

I've nothing against any lgb person but I didn't just go through a year of stress to plan my wedding to a man to be called a lesbian by my own husband whether he's joking or not its getting old now but actually wasn't that funny to begin with. He will make a joke at every opportunity he gets whether we see lesbians on the street or on the telly you can bet he will come out with some dig.

Aibu to tell him to fuck off and stop being so jealous and childish?

OP posts:
SoyDora · 31/05/2018 11:33

If he feels suffocated he can say ‘we see x and her family a lot, it’s a bit much for me, can we cut it down a bit’ rather than making lesbian jokes. Assuming he’s an adult and not a 14 year old.

Original poster
Mummyduck10 · 31/05/2018 11:34

I dont think it's a lot of time to see someone usually once a week we go food shopping and then sometimes on another day during the week we meet for a coffee and then sometimes on the weekend we all arrange to do something together for the children.

Phone calls are usually around 10 mins long and often take place while I'm doing dishes or when dh is at work so it has literally no affect on him at all

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 31/05/2018 11:35

Everytime my DH sees a man one of us makes a gay lover joke and every time I see a woman we make the same joke.

Hilarious Hmm

I don't think two heterosexual people making jokes about gay lovers is remotely funny, and is actually offensive.

Original poster
Mummyduck10 · 31/05/2018 11:36

To also clarify dh and her dp usually arrange the weekend meeting and they are good friends also.

OP posts:
bummymum · 31/05/2018 11:40

I'd put money on it being a thing that gets him off. Ugh.

jamoncrumpets · 31/05/2018 11:42

What an absolutely vile man your DP is.

Original poster
Mummyduck10 · 31/05/2018 11:43

Oh and I should also add that ever since bgt has started he's invited her up nearly every week to watch it and for wine.. thankfully she has declined a few times which I'm glad about as I cannot stand bgt and also it nearly always turns into quite a late night and I love my sleep to much for that.

I have asked him to stop he's just left for work and he actually apologised for it and said it was honestly just a joke and that he doesnt feel jealous or anything.

What I dont get is if he doesn't like spending time with them why does he keep inviting then to things or arranging meet ups? I'm quite happy with the arrangement with the food shopping and then maybe meet up on a another day for a coffee. I like the phone calls to I've always liked chatting to people on the phone though but I'm always careful not to let phone calls interfere with family time or private time with dh.

OP posts:
Hygge · 31/05/2018 11:44

YABU not to tell him to fuck off when he does this.

I don't understand people who think the words 'lesbian' or 'gay' are either an insult or a joke. They have to be a special kind of ignorant in this day and age to find it funny.

Have you ever told him to stop before?

If not, tell him clearly now. It's not funny and it never has been and you want him to stop now.

JuditthIscariot · 31/05/2018 11:45

My friends DH is like that. He even said to us one time, "I'm sure you two are having an affair..." Tedious.

pigsDOfly · 31/05/2018 11:45

Have you tried not reacting?

Making gay 'jokes' usually stops once people are passed their teens as hopefully they've grown up.

Original poster
Mummyduck10 · 31/05/2018 11:45

Also when i say food shopping arrangement it's more of a habit now but I loathe food shopping it makes me anxious so having someone with me helps... I also hate food shopping with dh he always fills the trolley with loads of crap so I'm happy with witb whay do there once a week while dh is at work

OP posts:
mholz · 31/05/2018 11:45

Just divorce him already if you are already married. You deserve better.

Hygge · 31/05/2018 11:46

Unless he has 'mentionitis' about her.

Perhaps ask him why he's always inviting her over and talking about her.

busybarbara · 31/05/2018 11:47

It does sound as if you'd prefer he had no sense of humour (even offensive) or personality at all so I'd recommend splitting up.

UserV · 31/05/2018 11:47

Judging by your update about him inviting her around for wine evenings, it sounds like he wants an orgy!

user1490607838 · 31/05/2018 11:48

God he sounds vile. Tell him you don’t want to hear any more puerile comments, and see if he stops. If he doesn’t you have a much bigger problem on your hands: a husband who doesn’t respect your boundaries or care about the impact his words have on you. If my OH or I have ever got stuck on a ‘joke’ one of us found hilarious and the other didn’t, and the other person said ‘can you stop saying that I don’t like it’, it stops. I’d have serious difficulties staying with anyone who kept making ‘jokes’ I had already asked him to stop! It says a lot about his view of you.

This. ^

I tan very easily - and although I have fairly light skin, I do get a deep tan if I am in the sun for 5 or 6 days. And my ex from some years back, had this thing of saying stuff like 'you fucking N-word,' or 'you fucking W-word (one syllable rhyming with dog,') or a name beginning with P and rhyming with Jackie. Foul bastard. Hmm

He just kept saying things and when I said 'just stop please.' He said 'you're so PC and sensitive haha Grin and told me I needed a turban, Hmm

Fucking twat. It was the fact he didn't stop that made him an ex.

It is very irksome when someone keeps 'joking' about something, and doesn't stop, even when you explain you don't find it funny. It's a form of bullying really.

SoyDora · 31/05/2018 11:52

It does sound as if you'd prefer he had no sense of humour (even offensive) or personality at all so I'd recommend splitting up

What?! How does it? How does not wanting him to make constant, tedious ‘jokes’ about being a lesbian equate to her not wanting him to have a personality?

alligatorsmile · 31/05/2018 11:53

Really annoys me when people say this kind of thing is a "joke". See, the thing about jokes is that they're meant to be funny. Otherwise it's just a collection of words arranged in a twattish order that says a lot more about the person saying it than it does about the bewildered recipient.

Personally, I'd think he fancies your friend and is being a bit of a teenager about it and saying nobbish things to cover his embarrassment. Either way, he's being a bit unevolved.

alligatorsmile · 31/05/2018 11:54

Some people can make jokes that make you laugh. Those are jokes. That is having a sense of humour. Saying stupid things that piss people off isn't being a comedian or having a sense of humour. It's being stupid and letting everyone know that you're stupid.

Original poster
Mummyduck10 · 31/05/2018 11:59

I want him to have a personality and usually find him to be quite a funny guy but In this one area I'm afraid I find it immature not funny and actually offensive.. we've been binge watching orange is the new black so you can imagine how often I've had to listen to this.. shame as well because it's really putting me off watching and I think its brilliant.

OP posts:
TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 31/05/2018 11:59

From your updates it sounds like there's more to this than just the 'jokes'. If he didn't like your relationship with her he wouldn't be inviting her round on Saturday nights.

In your first post, when you said he also makes jokes about lesbian couples when you're out and about, I couldn't decide whether he objected to lesbians and that was his way of showing it, or whether he gets off on the idea. I'm beginning now to believe it's the latter.

I think it might be worth trying to dig a bit deeper on this one.

Repealedthe8th · 31/05/2018 12:03

It does sound as if you'd prefer he had no sense of humour (even offensive) or personality at all so I'd recommend splitting up.

If making the same crude lesbian sex joke constitutes 'a sense of humour' or 'personality', then all I can say is, God help us all.

bummymum · 31/05/2018 12:03

I think it's pretty obvious which categories on porn websites he'd be looking at. Hmm

Fairenuff · 31/05/2018 12:05

I have asked him to stop he's just left for work and he actually apologised for it and said it was honestly just a joke and that he doesnt feel jealous or anything.

I don't think there's any need to make any more out of this OP. You should have spoken to him about it ages ago but now it's sorted.

AhoyDelBoy · 31/05/2018 12:07

Argh so immature. Is he 15? Confused
I'd be annoyed too OP, and wouldn't have found these 'jokes' even remotely funny in the first place (as you've said)