AIBU or is Ex a CF?

[AEFT]

ExDP is a flake, doesn't pay maintenance and fails to stick to his plan to see DD age 4 once a fortnight for an hour or so.
Due to past experiences and events I don't allow him to have DD on his own- he lives with people who deal and bring things into the house I don't want my DD around.

Most of the time, if its raining, he won't try to plan for this and I end up paying for us to have lunch somewhere so he can still see her without her getting soaking wet.

On a few occasions he's suggested going out for a meal and offering to pay- then we get there and he'll announce he's not going to eat because he's just eaten, then reveal he's only bought £10/£20 out with him anyway. In the past I've ended up paying for more than half of the bill so he can actually eat a meal with his DD instead of sitting there watching us.

AIBU to resent having to spend out money to enable them to see each other? It's not like I have any financial support from him, or ever have. I think it's really cheeky he continues to expect me to fund him seeing DD.

FWIW once he's met up 3 times in a row without bailing out or cancelling he can have DD on his own. It's been 3 years and he hasn't managed to be consistent yet.

Is a contact center an option? Sorry OP, it's hard and I know you are punting your DD first and that is brilliant, but their relationship does not need to be to yours or DD's financial detriment. that is money you should be putting aside for her, for you, for days out, activities for clothes etc.
I think look into it as an option.

No YANBU he is a CF.

*putting!! not punting

I haven't got a clue how I'd go about organising that- and wouldn't they demand proof of why he can't have her on his own for longer periods of time?
E.g. overnight might be suggested but his living situations are completely unsuitable.

Wow - stop it.
You are enabling him.
Does he not work for a living?
He's a terrible role model for your DD.
So I've no idea why you keep trying to push this.
He's not interested.
Just wait for him to come to you and see what happens.
This is NOT OK.
He should be supporting his DC and you are helping to support HIM in his crappy life.
You don't have to.

Google - co-dependency and look into it.

Where I am is a bit different so a judge would approve a contact center and you would have SS involvement. I have legal aid sorted and I'm in court during the summer to finalise everything. He would then have supervised access until SS felt he was able to see them on his own for a few hours and build up contact from there. I spoke to the contact center rep and had all this info before i went ahead, is it possible to speak to someone in the nearest contact center and see what your options are?

I'm sure someone will come along with experience of this and be able to better advise you.

For now, this is not good for you and your daughter. I know you're trying to think of their relationship but you can't force this and he doesn't seem particularly bothered.For her sake you need to show her she is worth so much more than the odd day out when it suits him.

Are you in the UK? You can self refer for a contact centre, they just might make you do mediation first. If you google your local contact centres they should be able to tell you their policy; we didn't have to explain to ours but we obviously had to thrash it out in mediation. Mediation then offered us a spot on the waiting list

@hellsbellsmelons
He job hops so that HMRC can't keep track. I agree that he's useless and a terrible influence but I don't want him to ever be able to say I stopped him from seeing her.

@Boysmomma
I've had a quick google and for a contact centre meeting near me its £50!
He would never pay that- he'd just tell everyone I'm making it impossible for him to see her.

Sorry if this is a dripfeed but he has another DC on the way with his new DP and I've told him if he can't see DD regularly by the time his DC2 arrives he should step back because I don't want her to feel second best.

You really need to stop bending over backwards to facilitate him. Especially so if you are doing so to pre-empt a future fall out with your dd over you allegedly refusing him access. Even if you do continue to facilitate access to your financial and emotional detriment he'll probably still find a way to blame you should dd ever start questioning his presence during her childhood. Men like this rarely change. Let go of this load you're carrying on your shoulder.

He doesn't pay maintenance he can pay the fucking €50 to see his daughter! Who cares what he says, that's on him, if he wants a relationship with his daughter he will do this end of.

Tbh i'd stop facilitating too, he sounds like a knob. Send him a very clear ultimatum - in writing if you can (text/email) so he can't say anything. Your DD deserves better.
I have a very firm attitude of you either step up all the time or you piss off under a bus wishful thinking on my part

I have to agree with Boymomma - no way would I be shelling out money so he can eat either.

Any advice on how to word it so he takes me seriously? I don't think he's really listened when I've said this is unacceptable and if it continues like this I'll stop contact.

I want to word it simply so he can't feign ignorance. But also without nastiness so he can't accuse me of being spiteful. Needs to be straight to the point.

AEFT i just sent a message to my ex highlighting things so far. So for us, it was the lack of consistency & committment towards DD, the lack of planning meaning that actually it was me facilitating everything. Then i said that in order to protect DD's emotional needs, i was giving him one more chance to prove he could step up.

Set out what you expect; so regular visits that HE manages not you. The minute he drops contact for anything other than a true emergency, the chance is over.

Also be very clear what will happen if he cocks up; in my case he was told to contact a solicitor & go for contact legally. That way you aren't completely closing the door, just putting the ball firmly in his court

Just to add, these steps were all backed by my solicitor because ultimately i was trying to protect DD's emotional well being; having her picked up & dropped when he felt like it was seen as a very good reason to progress it legally had it come to it

I agree that he's useless and a terrible influence but I don't want him to ever be able to say I stopped him from seeing her

Please don't let this hold you back doing the right thing for you and your daughter. He will say it^ anyway, even if he decides to not see DD, his type always do...most people will know he's talking shit.

naccc.org.uk/help-for-adults/how-are-visits-arranged/self-referral-steps

This service saved the relationship between exp and ds2 (ds1 already dismisses him, it's too late)

You don't have to pay for it, you don't have to be there. Usually there's a little tuck shop, which my children loved.

Now my kids are 12 and 15 it doesn't matter if their dad can't feed them or is useless, they just ring me and I bring them home, but when they were little they couldn't do that - the lovely people at the contact centre provided a supervised, supportive environment for my children to see their wastrel father and I didn't have to support or fund him any further.

Naturally his inability to support his children hasn't sstopped him having 2 more

Pick somewhere very close to where you live so that you can get back to your own house quickly if it is raining. Park/shopping centre/whatever.

"Colin, I will bring Amy to X park at 3pm on Saturday". Make the timing outside meal times so that you don't end up having to shell out for food.

Just send the same text every time. And don't get involved in any of his crap about other arrangements that he won't keep to anyway. Just reply "See you at the park on Saturday at 3pm".

And if he doesn't show then just let it go. Don't chase him and complain that he didn't show up. Just don't initiate contact again.

Sounds like a difficult situation - is it possible for him to see DD at your place (I understand if you're not comfortable with this). I wonder if he could pay in advance for an annual pass for a soft play or similar where they could go for each visit rather than having a whole palaver every time. If you do go out to eat don't insist he has a meal, I'm sure DD won't mind if he doesn't eat. If he has only £10 I'd just not eat myself (or pay for it separately) and make sure he pays for DD.

re wording, you need to be utterly factual and bored in your delivery or he will twist what you say and use it to upset you.

something like

"Current research is clear that consistency in relationships is important for normal social development in children, ergo you will be consistently present or I will ensure that you are consistently absent

In short, exp, if you let her down again, you will never again be given another opportunity to let her down, because it is damaging her more than not seeing you at all. Your feelings on this are completely irrelevant to my decision so do not bother me by expressing them"

Wellies, jackets etc are your friend here.

Your job is to bring up your daughter and make sure that both of you are happy.

It is not your job to manage, plan, pay and sort contact with her Dad. You make her available for contact, and ensure her safety but her Dad should be sorting his own contact and also ensuring her safety.

That he isn’t doing either is not going to change unless you do. You need to be finding another relationship, if you are ready, and saving your energy for your future. Court would be a good idea as it could all be sorted.

I don't understand - why are you facilitating this dickhead loser? If he can't be trusted not to take his DD back to some kind of drug den, then he isn't suitable to have contact with her, biological father or not.

Are the arrangements set by the court or informally agreed?

If they are informal, there is nothing to stop you telling him that if he doesn't get his act together hen he gets no contact. Yes, he will play the martyr but you're doing what is right by your daughter. She is your priority. Not him. His relationship with his daughter is his responsibility, and unless he can prove that he can be reliable and not let her down then you're protecting her.

@Orangeblosssom3
Bit confused by the suggestion I need to find myself a new partner? I've been with DP for a few years now :)

All arrangements are informal, never gone through court or anything mainly due to costs. I will write out a text and make it very clear that if he continues to be unreliable then he's out!

O, And not possible for him to come to our house to see DD. I don't trust him or want him anywhere near our house tbh