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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is Ex a CF?

60 replies

AEFT · 31/05/2018 08:53

ExDP is a flake, doesn't pay maintenance and fails to stick to his plan to see DD age 4 once a fortnight for an hour or so.
Due to past experiences and events I don't allow him to have DD on his own- he lives with people who deal and bring things into the house I don't want my DD around.

Most of the time, if its raining, he won't try to plan for this and I end up paying for us to have lunch somewhere so he can still see her without her getting soaking wet.

On a few occasions he's suggested going out for a meal and offering to pay- then we get there and he'll announce he's not going to eat because he's just eaten, then reveal he's only bought £10/£20 out with him anyway. In the past I've ended up paying for more than half of the bill so he can actually eat a meal with his DD instead of sitting there watching us.

AIBU to resent having to spend out money to enable them to see each other? It's not like I have any financial support from him, or ever have. I think it's really cheeky he continues to expect me to fund him seeing DD.

FWIW once he's met up 3 times in a row without bailing out or cancelling he can have DD on his own. It's been 3 years and he hasn't managed to be consistent yet.

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 31/05/2018 11:12

AEFT make it clear that if he cocks up it is on HIM to pursue things further legally, you won't be putting steps in place to assist. My ex tried the whole 'if that's how you feel then take me to court' - wrong answer pal!

Lacucuracha · 31/05/2018 11:13

I would stop enabling him too. Just let the visits peter out.

Keep any texts and emails you have now as proof for your DD that he was a flake and then forget him.

If you do want to continue to enable him, meet him at the park or if it's raining, meet at a shopping centre but don't pay for a thing for him, not even a coffee.

Original poster
AEFT · 31/05/2018 11:15

@mustbemad17
I've heard that before! He's also told me he's been in touch with various groups that help fathers establish contact- why I don't know, I've never stopped him from having contact!

OP posts:
Orangeblosssom3 · 31/05/2018 11:16

Sorry OP I’m glad you have a DP, it just sounded like you were struggling on your own, probably me projecting! I hope they support you, it’s crap having a rubbish Ex. At least your daughter has you.

mustbemad17 · 31/05/2018 11:18

Yay, the generic father's groups 😂 it's laughable - but also really sad - how many of these moronic waster dads read off the same script

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 31/05/2018 11:23

Op I would arrange future meetings at somewhere like McDonald's then if he pulls the old "I haven't got money with me" and you feel that you want to buy something then you can get a 99p value meal or something...

If he wouldn't agree to that then I agree with the other poster about a contact centre...I wouldn't meet anywhere else especially if he is not going to pay and leave you to foot the bill

TopofthePops · 31/05/2018 11:27

Also make it clear to him that you won't be facilitating contact any more. If he wants to see DD, he has to make it happen by contacting you and organising where he is taking her etc.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/05/2018 11:36

Remember that there is no way this waster will take you to court, even if he whines and threatens to do so. He's got no money and he's not going to spend money on a court case.
As PP said, send him a message to the effect that it's up to him to sort out contact from now on, and let him fade out of your lives. Your DD is getting no benefit from contact with him, and she's the one who matters.

Lovemusic33 · 31/05/2018 11:39

I agree with the idea of meeting somewhere like McDonald’s, don’t let him dictate where you will meet unless he can prove he has funds to pay for it. I do think you need to continue contact, even if he isn’t a great dad it’s good for dd to know who he is (eventually she will see him for who he really is). If the weathers nice maybe you can meet in a park and he can bring a picnic rather than buying a meal?

I do agree that he’s a CF but if you stop access altogether he could end up with contact without anyone else present (if you can’t prove he’s a risk) so for the sake of a hour or so every fortnight I would go with it but try and suggest affordable places too meet.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/05/2018 11:41

I was threatened with court. He went to a solicitor and everything.

I replied to the very snotty letter, which was basically slagging me off for not allowing access etc with a diary of the times he was supposed to see the kids and didnt, including his excuses. I signed off by saying that I was surprised he wanted to take me to court for access rights he already had and was choosing not to exercise, but that I was happy to attend and defend myself if necessary.

Dont know what happened but I never heard from the solicitor again and he never mentioned it either. A few weeks later he split up with the married woman he had been seeing (who coincidentally could only see him at weekends when her husband was seeing his own kids) and things went back to normal as his brain started doing the thinking instead of his dick.

rainingcatsanddog · 31/05/2018 11:44

Meet somewhere cheaper as he clearly can't afford a normal restaurant meal. McDonald's, Greggs, supermarket cafe, Burger King are good places for him to buy 2 meals (Dd and him) for £10/£20.

He is a CF of the highest order and unfortunately you are enabling this. I suspect that actions will speak louder than words so you'll need to come up with a final demand and stick to the consequences. It doesn't matter if he publicly blames you for not seeing dd- you know the truth.

charlestonchaplin · 31/05/2018 11:55

Maybe a member of his family (GP, aunt) would allow contact at their place?

bunbunny · 31/05/2018 14:24

As well as keeping all his texts, I would get in the habit of keeping all your texts and using them to establish a trail... so I don’t know if you remind him about contact or confirm where you’re meeting but remind him to bring money for dd and his lunch. Maybe a reminder about maintenance or at least contribution towards it or a special payment if there’s extra dd needs (school trip, new uniform, holiday rtc). If he’s late then a ‘nice’ reminder after 15/30 mins (is the bus running late/parking tricky etc) and a more formal one if he’s an hour late, agree a standard time that you’ll wait for him and at that point another text to say you waited xx minutes, as agreed as you hadn’t heard from him and as he was more than xx minutes late, you’re going to get on with the day. Also after the event, put in a mini summary of what happened (or didn't!) - all a good contemporaneous account of how he has treated your dd.

Original poster
AEFT · 01/06/2018 11:33

Update time!
I messaged him asking to confirm times for this weekend's meeting and staying that I would not be financially supporting his contact time anymore.
He's now saying I'm out of order for saying this and if I don't apologise he won't confirm a time!

So he's actually willing to miss out seeing his daughter? I know he doesn't even deserve to...
So...
AIBU to not apologise? I haven't said anything wrong as far as I'm aware, hes just trying to twist it round

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/06/2018 11:39

Nope - you've done nothing wrong.
Just respond by saying that he doesn't help support his own DD and you can no longer afford to do it for him as you have enough outgoings and enough of your plate already. So he can see her but you won't be subsiding it anymore and if doesn't want to see his own DD then that's fine by you.

Lacucuracha · 01/06/2018 11:41

Of course you don't apologise!

Just be very clear in your text.

'If you want to see DD, I suggest we meet between 2-4pm on Sat 1 June at Shopping Centre. Please note that I will not be able to buy you any food or drink. Please confirm by 6pm today if you want to meet. If I don't hear from you by then, I will make alternative plans.'

Original poster
AEFT · 01/06/2018 11:41

The last message I sent said I wasn't willing to continue financially supporting the meetings and I would not be sending any further texts chasing for a time. So don't think I have to reply to the demand for me to apologise? I made it very clear in the last message he needed to confirm times or i would assume the meeting is off

OP posts:
Original poster
AEFT · 01/06/2018 11:43

@Lacucuracha
That's a good idea, I will text him with a time and place and see if he confirms

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 01/06/2018 11:48

Don't apologise, Although I'm not sure what you would be apologising for. It's not your fault he's useless.

You only have to make your dd available. The fact he doesn't want too then I would leave it. You certainly should be paying for him to see his child. You are already covering 99.9% of the cost of your DD.

Although I would be inclined to sent a apology stating 'That you sorry that he is a useless arsehole' but not sure that will help.

mustbemad17 · 01/06/2018 11:58

What a cheeky twat! He is effectively trying to hold you to ransom by saying he won't see DD unless you pay for it! Grrr. Definitely do not apologise, time for the man child to grow the hell up. Maybe just don't mention to your DD about him maybe visiting

ReanimatedSGB · 01/06/2018 12:07

Definitely no apology. As PP said, give the time and the place and the fact that you will not be paying for any food/drink for him, and that if he does not confirm you will make other plans.
Make every future communication with him like this: just facts, and don't rise to any bullshit he comes out with.

Original poster
AEFT · 01/06/2018 12:15

I've said pretty much exactly what Lacucuracha suggested. Radio silence from his end so far! No doubt he'll try to say that I've stopped him from seeing her again...

Sadly I never mention to DD that we are actually seeing him, saves her from being disappointed. Just means she's nicely surprised when he does show

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 01/06/2018 12:24

So sad isn't it for the kids 😔 i have to admit life is so much easier now that my ex is totally out of the picture; i get a text once every 6 months that's it. Saves so much heartache for DD

expatinscotland · 01/06/2018 12:30

Stop enabling him. He doesn't give a toss about his child. I'd do the shopping centre thing like cucaracha suggests one time and that's it and do not back down and buy him fucking lunch or so much as a cup of tea. No apology, he's a real pisstaker, isn't he? Sounds like a bulling twat you're well rid of.

You're pushing a relationship he doesn't care if he has or not.

He won't take you to court, it would cost him money and he won't even buy an ice cream for this child.

pallisers · 01/06/2018 13:04

He's now saying I'm out of order for saying this and if I don't apologise he won't confirm a time!

Sorry Op but he is just looking for an excuse not to see his daughter. He doesn't care. He will turn up occasionally if you push it and if he feels he is getting one over on you by having you pay for his lunch but that is the extent of his interest.

Don't bother texting him anymore. See what happens - I predict nothing. He will simply drop from your life. He'll do the same to the next child eventually. Your child will be happier without this example of shit manhood.