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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave baby with hard of hearing mil.

104 replies

laurG · 31/05/2018 08:26

I am pregnant with my first child. Friends of ours are getting married when the baby is about 3 months and we hope to go. No kids are invited (which I respect ) and if we go we will need childcare. The wedding is on our home and we will need to travel to it. We have plenty of options but mil has stepped in with an early offer.

Now, I love my mil she is wonderful BUT she has profound hearing loss. She wears hearing aids ( most of the time) but this only helps to a certain extent. She can’t communicate over the phone at all, hear it ring, not cab she hear the door bell or most worryingly the smoke alarm. She can get the jist of most face to face conversations but most if her other communications are via email or text. She lives alone.

I’m just not sure I’d be happy leaving the baby with her as I don’t know how she would deal with an emergency. We won’t go to the whole wedding and will be back after the dinner but it will be the first time I’m leaving the baby probably so I am not sure it’s s good idea. Regardless, I’ve no idea how to deal with this issue. She is a lovely lady and will be a great gran. She has six other grandkids who are a lot older and her hearing was better she. They were young and her husband was alive. It’s different now. I don’t wa to offend her or deprive her but I just don’t think I can leave the baby with her.

Maybe I suggest she has s friend over to help?

OP posts:
CherryBlossom23 · 31/05/2018 08:29

I think that would be reasonable, as long as she isn't offended. The last thing you want is to be totally stressed at the wedding, worrying about your baby. Are any of the other grandkids tweens/teens? Maybe they'd like to help out?

PurpleDaisies · 31/05/2018 08:29

You do know profoundly deaf people have babies? Hmm

Don’t suggest she also has a friend over. That’s incredible patronising. If it’s not even overnight, she’ll be able to be in the same room keeping an eye on the baby so she’ll see if it’s crying.

jigsawpiece · 31/05/2018 08:31

Deaf people raise babies all the time. Sounds like your MIL needs some adaptations for her own sake not just the baby's. Have you looked into things like vibrating alarms, flashing lights for door bell etc?

nomorespaghetti · 31/05/2018 08:32

I can understand your worries. I know a lot of deaf people, through having a deaf child, and a lot of them have kids and manage with no problems, but they have technology to help. Your mil should be entitled to help with technology through the local authority, especially things like a smoke detector, i believe the fire service can help there. Could you suggest she looks into getting some tech to make her life easier?

I'm sure your baby would be fine with her, but YANBU to not want to leave your baby with her unless you're totally comfortable.

Littlebluebird123 · 31/05/2018 08:35

I can understand your reluctance, however, my Mil has similar hearing loss and she has always looked after mine. (She's the only family nearby.)
My Mil has the baby beside her/on her at all times. We brought our moses basket so she had a bed in the same room.
At 3 months old the baby will do little more than sleep/eat/poop. You don't have the running off and getting into trouble which hearing loss would be a problem for. If she's in the same room as the baby she'll see if the baby is ok so hearing them cry (or not) won't be a problem.
It's your first, of course you're nervous, but I don't think it would be a problem.
I would hope that after baby is born you'd spend a bit of time with Mil anyway so you can see them interacting and pre-empt any issues. 😊

Littlebluebird123 · 31/05/2018 08:37

Also what jigsaw said. She does sound like a deaf friendly fire /smoke detector would be helpful.

campion · 31/05/2018 08:37

Take the baby with you. At 3 months it needs you and you won't want this to be the first time you leave it. As long as you go out pronto if the baby starts crying I don't see the problem. With any luck he/she will sleep through the whole thing.

FWIW we had a 'child free' wedding except for v small babies. It wasn't a problem.

I'd be reluctant to leave a baby in those circumstances even though your MiL is lovely.

NameChange30 · 31/05/2018 08:39

Tbh I wouldn’t have left my son with anyone when he was 3 months old. So I would focus on that rather than your worries about your MIL’s ability to look after the baby (presumably she looked after her own without any issues).

Can you just say you will have to wait and see nearer the time? I’m assuming you don’t plan to breastfeed or you wouldn’t even be considered it. But even if baby is formula fed there might be a few reasons you couldn’t or wouldn’t want to leave them at that age.

NameChange30 · 31/05/2018 08:41

Oh sorry I’ve just seen that her hearing has deteriorated so maybe it wasn’t as much of an issue when she had her own babies.

Laiste · 31/05/2018 08:42

I'd leave it till nearer the time too. For now just say you're not sure you're going to go at all yet.

Nearer the time you'll probably have a better idea of how you feel about leaving the baby (you might not want to at all). Would it be better for her to look after the baby at your house for the day?

FASH84 · 31/05/2018 08:42

It was the very small babies we didn't want at our wedding, reception fine, but there's nothing for them at the service and they are likely to cry/cause a fuss/lead to an adult having to leave part way through. Don't assume babies are welcome without checking. In the mean time help your MIL with some of the suggested devices, flashing doorbells etc.

tenbob · 31/05/2018 08:46

I think I'm a pretty laid back when it comes to my DC, and had a pretty laid back baby who was happy to be looked after by anyone, but there would be no way on Earth I would have left him for a whole day at 3 months

Are you planning to breastfeed? Because even if the baby is happy to take a bottle, you'll need to pump every few hours

Maybe make the decision when your baby is here because i suspect you'll struggle to enjoy yourself knowing your baby is at home in a set-up you're not entirely happy with

Furano · 31/05/2018 08:46

Sounds like your MIL needs some adaptations for her own sake not just the baby's.

^This

Time to get MIL adaptations to improve her life and safety

Also at 3 months take the baby with you, normally child free weddings make exceptions for 'babes in arms'.

Thumbcat · 31/05/2018 08:50

I'd ask your husband to have a gentle chat with her to let her know that you think she'll be a wonderful gran but are wondering how she's planning to manage looking after the baby around her hearing loss.

greengardenchairs · 31/05/2018 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thespringsthething · 31/05/2018 08:56

I wouldn't assume you will want to go- if you are breastfeeding them pumping and leaking isn't so much fun, and you might have a baby who hates being left with anyone else like one of mine (although in fairness that was worse later on).

I'd leave the issue open for now.

Eeeeek2 · 31/05/2018 08:57

Deaf people are perfectly capable. Sounds like she could do with adaptation on her doorbell and fire alarm for her own sake.

Bananarama12 · 31/05/2018 08:59

I'm not sure at 3 months you'll want to leave the baby with anyone. It's very hard to know how you will feel when baby is here.

Rainydaydog · 31/05/2018 08:59

If your MiL is mentally healthy in every other way then she could look after the baby. I can see why you are worried she does not have the adaptions needed to call for help in an emergency. Being able to talk on the phone or some kind of instant messaging device, would also be a big help to her just day to day too. Maybe your concern over the baby's safety will make her see these need to be put in place and push her into getting something sorted out.
In terms of meeting the baby's needs, keeping her close and watching her plus the use of hearing aids should be fine.

Mrsmadevans · 31/05/2018 09:00

YABU OP.
I am totally deaf my left side since measles at 3 and l would say it prob makes me even more alert to a DC , not less. I appreciate you may want to speak to your mil to see if the baby is ok but surely you can text?
Congratulations on the baby btw Flowers
You may also want to encourage your mil to get her aids looked at further , it is so frustrating for the deaf person and l think it affects their confidence, it does in my case anyway. Unfortunately my deafness is nerve damage and l cannot do anything about it Sad .

TatianaLarina · 31/05/2018 09:02

I wouldn’t leave a 3 month year old it could be quite a shock to them. Can you take baby with you and organise childcare during the ceremony?

Somertime · 31/05/2018 09:03

I think there's a big difference between a deaf parent and a deaf person looking after a baby as a one off. Technology helps a lot.

You do need to encourage her to get suitable smoke detectors etc for her own safety.

TheFirstMrsDV · 31/05/2018 09:04

I was bought up by profoundly Deaf grandparents.
My GM was also a childminder.
I worked for many years with a Deaf parenting group.

It does sound like your MIL could do with some help getting the adaptations she needs to make her life easier. Why doesn't your OH help her with that before the baby is born?
She is clearly an experienced parent. IME her hearing loss won't affect that.

There isn't anything in your OP that cannot be sorted with a bit of thought.

lamerde · 31/05/2018 09:05

campion

You don’t just rock up to a wedding with a baby Confused if they’ve not been invited. I also don’t think a three month old is a very tiny baby. I had a 16lb bruiser with lungs to match at 12 weeks.

OP, if your MIL only has the baby for a few hours then I’m sure it will be fine. I wouldn’t leave the child overnight but for a few hours I’m sure it would be fine. Presumably you can ask her to keep her mobile phone on her and text for updates.
I do think though that she needs to make some adaptations for her own good.

NapQueen · 31/05/2018 09:07

Is the kids free wedding including babes in arms? Thats pretty crap. No way would would i have been happy to leave a 3mo all day. If the venue was close enough for me to pop in for the service yes but all day?

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