To not want to leave baby with hard of hearing mil.

[laurG]

I am pregnant with my first child. Friends of ours are getting married when the baby is about 3 months and we hope to go. No kids are invited (which I respect ) and if we go we will need childcare. The wedding is on our home and we will need to travel to it. We have plenty of options but mil has stepped in with an early offer.

Now, I love my mil she is wonderful BUT she has profound hearing loss. She wears hearing aids ( most of the time) but this only helps to a certain extent. She can’t communicate over the phone at all, hear it ring, not cab she hear the door bell or most worryingly the smoke alarm. She can get the jist of most face to face conversations but most if her other communications are via email or text. She lives alone.

I’m just not sure I’d be happy leaving the baby with her as I don’t know how she would deal with an emergency. We won’t go to the whole wedding and will be back after the dinner but it will be the first time I’m leaving the baby probably so I am not sure it’s s good idea. Regardless, I’ve no idea how to deal with this issue. She is a lovely lady and will be a great gran. She has six other grandkids who are a lot older and her hearing was better she. They were young and her husband was alive. It’s different now. I don’t wa to offend her or deprive her but I just don’t think I can leave the baby with her.

Maybe I suggest she has s friend over to help?

I have spent years teaching my child she is capable of overcoming barriers and now there are people piling onto a thread to tell me that I am wrong and she should accept her limitations. No method of contacting emergency services? Do you seriously think the woman would put a baby at risk? Some of you are just unbelievable.

Do people genuinely go around checking smoke detectors are working at people’s houses before leaving their children there?

@YoucancallmeVal And she absolutely is capable of overcoming any barrier, WITH THE RIGHT TOOLS AND SUPPORT. OP’s MIL isn’t willing to access those. That is the issue, not the disability. She doesn’t have an adapted phone. How would you suggest she contact the emergency services? Text them?

@PurpleDaisies Having witnessed a horrific house fire, yes - I absolutely do. And I test ours weekly. Everyone should.

Hello OP. YANBU - you’re being a mummy who wants the best for her baby and that’s totally OK.

Could you book a room at the wedding? If it’s in a hotel? Then MIL could be in the room with baby having cups of tea/rooms service etc/ strolling in the grounds - you can check in when needs be and you would know if there was anything up. Just a suggestion.

In the long term you’re right about supporting her to be able to live more safely.

Also ignore the bloody awful comments - they don’t know the whole story and they don’t know you.

That is the point fenella but that wasn't the OP's question was it?
The disablelism comes in because there was no suggestion that the MIL could cope with a baby with the right adjustments.
It was all about what she couldn't do because she has hearing loss.

I agree that there is a difference between someone Deaf from birth/early age and someone with acquired hearing lost BUT the MIL hasn't gone suddenly deaf. She has been losing her hearing over a long time and will have adjusted.

She had significant hearing loss when she was caring for her older GC.

I have sympathy with the OP because this is her first baby and she hasn't even had her yet. I don't have the same sympathy with posters jumping in to say the MIL can't do it because she is deaf.

The OP is worried about emergencies.
We have face time and text messaging now. Something Deaf parents and GPs had no access to for centuries. Yet they managed.
The smoke alarm issue can be fixed very easily with the installation of a visual alarm system. Something I am surprised her DCs haven't helped her sort out long before now.

I cannot think of anything that cannot be overcome with some pretty minor adjustments and planning.

How would you suggest she contact the emergency services? Text them? hmm

Yes. Exactly that. She just needs to register her phone first.

I am not surprised youcantellmeVal is pissed off.

How would you suggest she contact the emergency services? Text them?

Yes. You can text the emergency services.

How do you think deaf people manage it?

Yes. book a hotel room for MIL with room service etc. That makes so much more sense than getting a visual smoke alarm and registering her mobile with the emergency services number

why don't you find a plan b if you are worried - and tell her thank you but you are sorted?

But not a fire though OP. You can give instructions when you drop the baby off. Ask her not to cook if it makes you feel happier.

How did she raise dh

Except the MIL refuses to adapt her phone, @TheFirstMrsDV - the OP did explain that further down.

She doesn’t need to adapt her phone to use the text service fenella.

@PurpleDaisies you have to register for the text service

That’s not the same as “adapting your phone”.

You don't need to adapt a phone to send text messages.
Deaf people send text messages the same way as hearing people.

@TheFirstMrsDV

My mil did have hearing loss with her first set of grand children but it was no where near as advanced. Her youngest Gc is now 17 so it was a long time ago. I should have mentioned in my first post that my mil hasn’t adapted particularly well to her hearing loss. If you read my second post you will see that. You are right to point out that adapting can be made but my mil is very reluctant to make changes.

But the changes are minimal and your worries are easily overcome.
If you were concerned that MIL would drop her, forget to feed her, leave her alone in the house due to dementia etc I would be telling you not to risk it.
But your concerns are that a. she won't hear a fire alarm and b. she can't contact someone in an emergency.

You are bound to be nervous about leaving your first baby for the first time. That is entirely natural.
But your MIL's hearing loss shouldn't be the thing that makes you nervous.

I'm not sure at 3 months you'll want to leave the baby with anyone. It's very hard to know how you will feel when baby is here.

^This.

I am profoundly deaf and the mother of two kids under 4. I agree that you should take the baby with you for the wedding ( it's a babe in arms), especially if you plan to breastfeed. As for the rest of the time, get a video baby monitor that visually shows the noise levels (e.g. lights into red when the baby is crying) and just help MIL to baby proof the house when DC starts crawling. I would also direct her to the RNID for advice on adaptations and equipment.

Of course deaf people can have babies/raise a family/do everything that everyone else can - if they have adaptations to help. Same as for anyone with any form of impairment.

But the OP's MiL hasn't got any adaptations and it would be incredibly risky. Her hearing has deteriorated and she is carrying on as if it hadn't.

Get that sorted and there shouldn't be a problem.

But don't have a go at the OP, those were reasonable concerns to raise.

Hi OP, just saw your update. If you really can't take the baby, I would tactfully make other arrangements until your MiL accepts safety equipment like a fire alarm. As she already has one, it should not take DH long to fit it. Unfortunately, denial is common with hearing loss, especially if it's a consequence of age.

Give over all the "disablist" bleating. There is often a big difference with how people cope with a disability depending upon the age when they acquire it. My dad has been profoundly deaf for the last 10 years (had partial hearing loss since childhood but has worstened with age). He has none of the coping skills that someone profoundly deaf from a young age/birth would have - and refuses all adaptations. Will use the subtitles on the telly and that's about it.

Jesus Christ this thread...

You'll be gone for 4-5 hours yes? I guarantee that your MIL will want to do nothing other than stare at your baby, she will probably never take her eyes off it and will sit on the couch with the baby in her arms for the entire time that that you're gone.

The chances of her somehow "missing" a fire in her own home (on the assumption that she doesn't cook, lose her marbles and not be able to hear a fire alarm OR SMELL SMOKE) are friggin slim to none during daylight hours. She's in her 70's, she's not senile.

And I'm not just yelling at you here OP, but all the posters imagining up disasters caused by her deafness that are so ridiculous it's laughable.

You're not gone overnight, she will know if your baby is crying because if she's a kind and otherwise attentive person, she probably won't be more than 2 foot away from her precious grandchild. Give her a chance!

And to the posters feigning shock at being apart from their babies at 12 weeks, it's perfectly normal to be comfortable leaving your baby at any age, especially with a decent caregiver.

Mat leave here is 12 weeks and that's not statutory... 6 weeks is the government mandatory.

Deaf people and babies, fine. This MIL who appears to not be coping with her increasing deafness, not so much. Sure she can text emergency services (I hope she has registered?) but can she make relay calls to 111 or to contact the OP? Could she put the baby in a car seat and drive to get medical help? Is she sensible enough to stay in the same room as the baby, not prop up a bottle, etc?

FWIW I'm severely deaf and manage my kids OK, but MIL I couldn't leave them with as she can't make phone calls to unknown people, won't use alternatives, and also isn't mobile enough, while FIL would claim to look after a child for 5 min but just wander off. All about the individuals.