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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to leave baby with hard of hearing mil.

104 replies

laurG · 31/05/2018 08:26

I am pregnant with my first child. Friends of ours are getting married when the baby is about 3 months and we hope to go. No kids are invited (which I respect ) and if we go we will need childcare. The wedding is on our home and we will need to travel to it. We have plenty of options but mil has stepped in with an early offer.

Now, I love my mil she is wonderful BUT she has profound hearing loss. She wears hearing aids ( most of the time) but this only helps to a certain extent. She can’t communicate over the phone at all, hear it ring, not cab she hear the door bell or most worryingly the smoke alarm. She can get the jist of most face to face conversations but most if her other communications are via email or text. She lives alone.

I’m just not sure I’d be happy leaving the baby with her as I don’t know how she would deal with an emergency. We won’t go to the whole wedding and will be back after the dinner but it will be the first time I’m leaving the baby probably so I am not sure it’s s good idea. Regardless, I’ve no idea how to deal with this issue. She is a lovely lady and will be a great gran. She has six other grandkids who are a lot older and her hearing was better she. They were young and her husband was alive. It’s different now. I don’t wa to offend her or deprive her but I just don’t think I can leave the baby with her.

Maybe I suggest she has s friend over to help?

OP posts:

AllMYSmellySocks · 31/05/2018 10:45

You do know profoundly deaf people have babies?

Surely deaf people have plenty of technology specifically to help them while raising their children - and will intimately know the routines of their own babies. That's not the same as a one off babysitting stint.

Rainydaydog · 31/05/2018 10:48

I think the problem here is the MiL not having sorted out her own adaptations for her hearing loss makes you wonder if she is fully capable mentally. It could just be that she is a little in denial about the severity of her condition and with a little encouragement she will take the advice she needs to use some adaptations and devices to make life easier and keep safe. If so, she could look after the baby. It would be nice for her to be involved, if she wants to and it will help OP.
Whether OP would want to leave the baby all day at 3m is another question. That just depends on how she and the baby react at the time. But even if she doesn't she may like to have MiL babysit on other occasions if she is capable so this is still an issue that needs looking at.

Confusedbeetle · 31/05/2018 10:51

There are some very good baby monitors on the market with a little video screen so you can sit and watch a baby from another room. I disagree with some of the posters who comment quite rightly that deaf people have babies, of course, they do but there is a world of a difference adapting to life with a baby, and babysitting. Personally, I think you should think again about going, you may well feel you don't want to leave the baby at all

Kokeshi123 · 31/05/2018 11:21

Deaf people become parents all the time, but I think it's a bit different if you have developed hearing loss much later in life and are not necessarily used to the various adaptations you will have to make.

I think this is OK but only if certain issues are worked out in advance.

TheShapeOfEwe · 31/05/2018 11:34

Deaf people have babies! Does she have accommodations in her home to assist her?

I think you could ask for regular text updates to reassure you that all is well.

Piddly2 · 31/05/2018 11:59

I have severe hearing loss and had baby. Haven't had a problem so far without special technology in the house. Even left my child at 6 weeks with a family friend for a day while I went to an event. They hadn't looked after a baby in over 30 years.
Problems are what you make them.

Mousefunky · 31/05/2018 12:04

I went to school with two boys who had deaf parents, they coped perfectly well despite being unable to speak.

Technology is amazing nowadays as well, your MIL needs some adaptations to seriously improve her life.

PolkaHots · 31/05/2018 12:45

you're not even leaving the child overnight? Then YABU, she will be fine.

tenbob · 31/05/2018 13:20

wilbur

OP is still pregnant, and it's her first
It isn't guilt tripping to question whether she will definitely want to leave her newborn for that long

I was the perfect parent until I actually was one
If I had been asked while pregnant if I would leave my baby, I would have said without a doubt and I need to have fun and enjoy a wedding
When he was actually born, wild horses couldn't have dragged me away from him for a full day...

NanooCov · 31/05/2018 13:35

In your shoes I would be nervous leaving my baby with anyone at that age, never mind someone who potentially would have additional challenges. I agree with other posters that note your MIL needs to sort some adaptations out for her own safety. For the wedding, is there any chance you could book a room at the venue and your MIL could mind the baby there - also makes it easier for you to pop in for feeds / peace of mind if necessary?

BuntyII · 31/05/2018 14:07

I am livid at this thread, it is disgraceful that you won't allow your child to stay with their grandmother because she is deaf

Yura · 31/05/2018 15:05

to all shouting "discrimination ": there is a huge difference between somebody who is deaf, has been for a long time and copes fine , and somebody who is slowly turning deaf, hasn't developed way of coping yet and might be in denial. i would leave my kids without a thought at my deaf friend, but never ever at my deaf grandmother. deaf friend has visual alarms etc and knows how to get access to emergency services, ... Deaf grandmother doesn't even believe she is deaf (she is very, very hatd of hearing, but refuses to accept support)

Kokeshi123 · 31/05/2018 15:11

Exactly, Yura. Huge difference.

It sounds like MIL needs encouragement to get some technological assistance in, not just for helping with babies but for her general safety and wellbeing. She may be in a little bit of denial about her new hearing issues.

Yura · 31/05/2018 15:13

So, being deaf is not the issue. being deaf and not adressing it/coping IS a problem. Anybody looking after a child needs to be able to cope with potential emergencies

That1950sMum · 31/05/2018 15:18

*Yeah, go on. Try and guilt trip the OP for wanting to go to a wedding. No one asked what you would do and the OP did not ask for opinions on whether she should leave her baby, just whether she should leave it with her MIL.

This is a side of MN that is really not nice.*

My comment wasn't meant to be guilt tripping and I apologise if it came across that way. It was meant as a bit of a wake up call that sometimes things you think you'll want to do before you actually have your baby can change once you've become a parent. I wasn't saying that I'd judge a Mum who wanted to go to a wedding three months after having her baby, just saying there's no way I'd have considered it. I was far too nervous about leaving mine with anyone and far too preoccupied with my baby at that stage.

PinkBuffalo · 31/05/2018 15:31

If you are not leaving baby overnight, I'm sure mil will be ok.
I have hearing issues/hearing aids & used to babysit my niece & nephew in the evenings from just a couple of months old.
I just used their own baby monitor which actually had a visual flashing to see how loud the baby was making noises. Then would go & check as appropriate.
Would this be ok for MIL? But absolutely get her some more support. Fire service fit vibrating smoke alarms that shake you awake.

Original poster

laurG · 31/05/2018 16:14

I am sorry that people seem to think I am predjudice against deaf people. This is not the case. As many people point out there is a huge difference between someone who has been deaf all their life and someone who has only recently suffered severe loss. She is in denial and yes, she does need to start accepting more help from Both people and technology. My oh and his siblings have bought her various things over the years, a specially adapted phone, alarm and smoke alarm but all of them have ended up at the back of a cupboard. It took a long time for her to accept wearing the hearing aids. I don’t really feel like it’s my place to nag her on this issue. It’s really up to my husband and his family. She is in her 70s and although pretty good on email not particularly open to new technology.

Its a small wedding in a restaurant and woukd only be going for 4/5 hours. I can’t turn up with a baby. I know that there is a possibility that I might not want to leave the baby. But I can cross this bridge when I come to it. I guess I’m worried because if the issue of her babysitting will come up again - even if we side swerve it now or don’t go to the wedding and I’ve no idea how to deal with it.

She will be a wonderful grandmother but I’m just not sure how comfortable I would be knowing that she can’t just pick up the phone if something goes wrong.

Perhaps the best outcome would be that oh brings up the issue with her and maybe she might open up to making some adaptions to the house. It’s a very sensitive issue and I really, honestly don’t want to stop her spending time with it but I really don’t think it’s very responsible of me to leave my child (regardless of whether it’s at 3 months or 3 years) in a home where there’s a risk of a fire going unnoticed.

OP posts:

YoucancallmeVal · 31/05/2018 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Piddly2 · 31/05/2018 16:28

People cope. Are there often fires at her house that she fails to notice?

GinIsIn · 31/05/2018 16:35

@YoucancallmeVal pretty sure a dead or black person would be able to hear a smoke alarm or crying baby.... OP is NOT being prejudiced against the disability, OP is concerned that the MIL hasn’t been willing to make the necessary adaptations for her disability.

OP, I have hearing loss myself, and I can see exactly what you mean.

Dieu · 31/05/2018 16:38

Oh wow, you are going to create some seriously bad feeling if you tell her that she can't look after your child. I would be heartbroken if her. Chat to her about it by all means, but please don't say an outright no. And no, not everyone would want a baby at their wedding.

YoucancallmeVal · 31/05/2018 16:39

Well as the mother of a fully functioning profoundly Deaf teenager I can vouch for the fact that profoundly Deaf people are perfectly capable and the op is being very prejudiced.

Original poster

laurG · 31/05/2018 16:39

@Piddly 2 actually yes. Last time we were there the smoke alarm was blaring as something was burning in the oven. That’s how we know she can’t hear the thing. Not a fire but a wake up call.

OP posts:

nomorespaghetti · 31/05/2018 16:40

Your attitude is fucking disgusting. Replace Deaf with Black or Gay and read it back.

Come off it! My 2 year old is profoundly deaf, and she has been looked after before by other profoundly deaf adults. But in this situation, i too, would hesitate. The mil needs to make certain changes to her home to make it safe, the main one being a smoke detector she can see or feel. As loads of people have pointed out, there is a huge difference between someone who is proudly deaf, and someone who has lost their hearing later in life. Deaf people can do anything with the right support, including those deafened later in life, but the mil needs to accept her deafness and use technology to adapt her home.

I wouldn't leave my DD in someone's house if they didn't have a smoke alarm, regardless of them being deaf or hearing. Having a smoke alarm you can't hear is basically the same as not having one.

GinIsIn · 31/05/2018 16:44

@YoucancallmeVal How interesting that you think so. Particularly when others on this thread with hearing loss or deaf children do not. Would you have been happy to leave your newborn somewhere with no working smoke alarm or means of contacting the emergency services? Because that is what the OP is asking.

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