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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with BIL aibu

55 replies

Familyfeud22 · 30/05/2018 21:53

Name changed as very outing.

Was round STBBIL and SIL's a few weeks ago (DFiance's brother and his wife) with MIL and other BIL where lots of wine was consumed. Me and SIL were chatting outside when BIL comes out and demands SIL comes inside to get their child a drink. BIL is someone who doesn't do a lot for his children, which SIL frequently moans to me about. In my drunken state, my mouth opened before my brain registered and said Maybe BIL should parent his own children.BlushBlush now I do agree I should have just kept quiet here.
However, BIL retorts saying me and DFiance wouldn't know because we don't have children and it was my fault that I had a miscarriage last year. Cue lots of upset and me storming out with DFiance and his mum.

BIL messages me the following morning saying he is sorry we argued but he didn't say it was my fault I lost my baby and he would never say that. I replied two weeks later because I was upset that he was denying it and didn't want to say something else I regret. I replied saying I'm sorry as well and that we're all good.

Fast forward to now (3 weeks after the event), it's mine and DFiance's engagement meal. BIL and wife aren't coming because he says replying 2 weeks later isn't good enough and it's too little too late.other BIL agrees with him, although I don't know what version of events he has been told and he left before this happened.

Now I just really need some advice mumnetters :( I don't want there to be an on going rift between me and STBBIL. How do I rectify this? Do I message him and ask him to come? Apologise again? Yet I'm still hurt and angry that he said those things to me, but understand I shouldn't have said anything in the first place.

Aibu to still be pissed off? And AIBU to message him and try and move past this?

OP posts:
Thehop · 30/05/2018 21:56

What does your DF think?

Original poster
Familyfeud22 · 30/05/2018 21:58

He's trying to keep the peace, but not happy at all with what his brother said and had some very choice words to say to him afterwards. He just wants to move on from it now, as do i

OP posts:
pallisers · 30/05/2018 21:59

I think for the sake of family harmony I'd call him or text him and say "look sorry I took so long to get back to you. The miscarriage is hard for me to even think about. I really appreciate your apology and like I said I'm sorry too. There was a bit of drink taken. I'd love if we could move past this"

In actual fact in my family and dh's if someone called his wife in to get his kid a drink, there would be a chorus of people slagging him off for it. He sounds like a pain.

dinosaurkisses · 30/05/2018 22:03

I had a long message typed out there OP- but it basically boils down to “Fuck him then. Kanye shrug”

Youve both apologised- if he wants to maintain a feud over the length he was waiting on a text, that’s fine.

This is about him asserting dominance here- he got the apology he wanted (fair enough) but is now trying to show who’s the alpha by making threats that he knows will hurt your fiancé.

Original poster
Familyfeud22 · 30/05/2018 22:05

We've also got loads of things planned with DFiances family but now I feel like I shouldn't go to any of them cause BIL will be there?

OP posts:
Howlongtillbedtime · 30/05/2018 22:08

Ignore him. He wants control of what happens next and he thinks you will be subservient (like his wife)

Enjoy your party and just know he will be home stewing that you have the upper hand.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 30/05/2018 22:09

You’ve apologised. What he said was fucking low. I wouldn’t miss them at my engagement meal/wedding/life.

You’ve apologised. Don’t fucking grovel! Leave it up to them. You’re not going to beg for an arsehole to grace you with his presence.

dinosaurkisses · 30/05/2018 22:09

Why, OP?

You apologised. Why should you excuse yourself?

It’s him causing he awkwardness- of threats anything like my in laws they’d be telling him to give his head a wobble and stop causing an atmosphere for everyone after having already got an apology.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 30/05/2018 22:09

Exactly what howlong said. He wants you to jump to his command. Fuck that.

KarmaStar · 30/05/2018 22:10

@pallisers got it right!

dinosaurkisses · 30/05/2018 22:10

*if they’re anything like my in laws

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 30/05/2018 22:12

Btw OP what you do now sets the precedent for what happens throughout your married life with this family. Let BIL know now that you’re not like his wife, you don’t jump when called and you never will, he can like it or he can go and swivel.

YearOfYouRemember · 30/05/2018 22:12

You're already given in to him by allowing him to gaslight you. Don't do it again by grovelling.

Sorry for your loss Sad

liquidrevolution · 30/05/2018 22:15

Christ he sounds like hard work. Don't apologise any more. Perhaps talk to PIL though. Make sure your side of the story is heard.

And tell SIL to grow some balls and get him doing more. I would have bloody said the same as you. He sounds fucking useless.

magoria · 30/05/2018 22:16

You have moved on. You apologised for your part.

He is gas-lighting and 'apologising but' didn't say what he said whilst saying your apology isn't good enough.

State you have apologised. You will not do so again if he and the other brother don't want to come to your engagement that is their choice.

Make a stand now or they will be expecting you to be another little wife in the kitchen whilst they relax and enjoy their beers.

pallisers · 30/05/2018 22:18

@pallisers got it right!

Do you know now that I read some of the other replies, I'm wondering if I got it wrong tbh. OP, maybe you do just need to shrug and let him off. It is possible that he is flexing his muscles to make sure everyone knows who is in control.

The only thing is if I apologised for something and it took 2 weeks for me to get a reply, i might be miffed too. But then I wouldn't create more drama, I'd just move on.

I dunno - you know him best OP.

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 22:20

Ignore him.

You apologised (technically, I wouldn't have, because he sounds like a right prick, but I appreciate you were trying to smooth things over).

You shouldn't have to apologise AGAIN for the time it took you to get over the (INCREDIBLY) hurtful thing he said.

As PPs have said, where is your OH in this?

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 22:21

Btw OP what you do now sets the precedent for what happens throughout your married life with this family. Let BIL know now that you’re not like his wife, you don’t jump when called and you never will, he can like it or he can go and swivel.

Also this. ^

Leeds2 · 30/05/2018 22:23

I would quite happily enjoy my engagement meal without him there. You really don't need people like that in your life. Let him stew.

dinosaurkisses · 30/05/2018 22:26

He obviously gets the feeling that he needs to put you back in your box after you called him out so is using this as an opportunity to show you who’s Billy Big Balls.

Just be overly pleasant to himat any family gatherings and make it look like any hostility doesn’t bother you. It’ll sicken him.

DailyMailFail101 · 30/05/2018 22:26

Your both as bad as each other, it will blow over over.

worridmum · 30/05/2018 22:27

So you get to say snide remarks but get most upset when he makes one back? I am sorry but you do not have the moral high ground you made a snide remark he made one back you decided to not respond for weeks in a passive aggressive stance because he upset you.

All that the OP will be giving is that she is quite happy to give snide comments out but she cannot take them.

Domino20 · 30/05/2018 22:29

You've done NOTHING wrong, including pointing out his failure to parent. Please don't apologise AGAIN!

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 22:30

All that the OP will be giving is that she is quite happy to give snide comments out but she cannot take them.

I'm not a parent, and I've never had a miscarriage, but I like to think that I'm socially aware enough to think that having a go at somebody about a miscarriage is a pretty big no-no, no matter what.

dinosaurkisses · 30/05/2018 22:31

@worridmum we’re taking at face value that OP replied with a sincere apology.

Whether or not BIL feels OP should have done this with more efficiency is fair, but I know in most families any mild annoyance over the length of time it took for an apology would be put to one side in the interest of trying to maintain a decent relationship. BIL is just using this as a stick to beat her with- if it hadn’t been this it would be something else that he would have taken offence at.