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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Argument with BIL aibu

55 replies

Familyfeud22 · 30/05/2018 21:53

Name changed as very outing.

Was round STBBIL and SIL's a few weeks ago (DFiance's brother and his wife) with MIL and other BIL where lots of wine was consumed. Me and SIL were chatting outside when BIL comes out and demands SIL comes inside to get their child a drink. BIL is someone who doesn't do a lot for his children, which SIL frequently moans to me about. In my drunken state, my mouth opened before my brain registered and said Maybe BIL should parent his own children. now I do agree I should have just kept quiet here.
However, BIL retorts saying me and DFiance wouldn't know because we don't have children and it was my fault that I had a miscarriage last year. Cue lots of upset and me storming out with DFiance and his mum.

BIL messages me the following morning saying he is sorry we argued but he didn't say it was my fault I lost my baby and he would never say that. I replied two weeks later because I was upset that he was denying it and didn't want to say something else I regret. I replied saying I'm sorry as well and that we're all good.

Fast forward to now (3 weeks after the event), it's mine and DFiance's engagement meal. BIL and wife aren't coming because he says replying 2 weeks later isn't good enough and it's too little too late.other BIL agrees with him, although I don't know what version of events he has been told and he left before this happened.

Now I just really need some advice mumnetters :( I don't want there to be an on going rift between me and STBBIL. How do I rectify this? Do I message him and ask him to come? Apologise again? Yet I'm still hurt and angry that he said those things to me, but understand I shouldn't have said anything in the first place.

Aibu to still be pissed off? And AIBU to message him and try and move past this?

OP posts:

TellerTuesday4EVA · 30/05/2018 22:34

Totally agree with what Zibbidoo said, this paves the way going forward for married life in that family.

I had a similar bust up with BIL (certainly not DBIL!!) 4 years ago now. DH's family all bow down to him as the golden child & there was a lot of comments about how stubborn he could be - I'm an only child so they got an eye opener there!! He'll be waiting until forever & a day for me to make peace with him but it's a whole other thread!!

ToPlanZ · 30/05/2018 22:38

Some good advice in here OP. He clearly sees women as subservient and even though he has an apology he is still stamping his feet.

What he said to you was a disgrace and he should have realised that you would need time to recover.

Don't belittle your own feelings to make him happy or keep the peace and definitely go to events youre invited to. You don't have to make it a drama, stay calm around him and show him you can't be pushed around. Employ some phrases like 'I'd prefer not to discuss it further' or 'we'll just have to agree to disagree'' if he starts bringing it up in person.

Plus you'll be setting a good example for your SIL to deal with him.

PS sorry for your loss

Cornishclio · 30/05/2018 22:39

BIL summons his wife to get a drink for DC because he is too lazy and you point out he can get it himself. I think the SIL should have said that but anyway. He then has a go at you about your miscarriage suggesting it was your fault. The man is an idiot and nasty to boot. I would not have apologised at all and would think myself lucky if he didn't come to your engagement meal. Sounds like your DH is not close to him and he was hurtful and unkind to you and disrespectful to his wife. You should not apologise to people like that even to keep the peace or he will be even more insufferable.

Inertia · 30/05/2018 22:49

Don't bow and scrape to a sexist bully who expects women to jump at his command.

If he doesn't come to the meal, great. The atmosphere will be nicer without him there anyway.

I might try to discreetly offer support to SIL. If he's like this in public, he might be treating her even less well behind closed doors.

zzzzz · 30/05/2018 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2018 22:52

A genuine apology does not require a response as it is for the exclusively for the person receiving the apology. He apologised to you for himself rather like a chess move because he wanted something back from you - ie acknowledgment of you being in the wrong, not him and an apology (for your “overreaction”). All of which you understandably weren’t willing to give.

He’s telling you who he is. Don’t smooth it over, text him or make it easy for him. He’s an arsehole and he’ll never admit to himself what he said, let alone anyone else. Best thing to do is just ignore him. Have a look at narcissism, scapegoating and flying monkeys. He will probably up the anti to try to make you comply so do expect you and your stbdh to be the subject of nastiness.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/05/2018 23:01

It's up to him if he comes or not. Leave it there.

What you said was tactless (but totally reasonable), what he said was really horrible. And he hasn't apologised, he denied saying it.

It would have been totally understandable for you to take two weeks to respond to a genuine apology after such an upsetting incident. By not apologising, then compalining that you hadn't capitulated fast enough, he portrays himself as someone who wants and expects to be in control, of you. Fuck that. He's really lucky you accepted his non-apology at all.

Now, if he wants to come to your lovely event, he can come. As your guest, with good grace.

Dibbosteme · 30/05/2018 23:33

In the time it took BIL to come and get his wife in order to get his child a drink, he could easily have just done it himself. By this, he was making a public point that it was solely his wife's responsibility to care for the child and intended to interrupt your quiet drink and conversation, ensuring SIL did not get a moment of peace and quiet.

Let him stay at home for the engagement party. As Inertia has said, SIL might well be having a difficult time with him. If he is like this in front of others, it doesn't bear thinking about how he behaves at home.

emmyrose2000 · 31/05/2018 02:08

If anyone dared to even hint that I was responsible for the loss of my baby, they'd immediately be cut out of my life forever. STBBIL is a vile, sexist bully. You were perfectly correct to call him out on his lazy lack of parenting. There was no excuse in the world for his disgusting miscarriage comment, and absolutely no need for you to apologise for anything.

If it was my engagement party, he wouldn't have to worry about declining the invitation, as DF and I would have rescinded it ourselves, which is what I'd recommend you do.

Copperbonnet · 31/05/2018 03:12

So you get to say snide remarks but get most upset when he makes one back

Worrid while the OP’s remarks may have been intemperate do you really believe that what the BIL said was a proportionate response?

Throwing the death of her child in her face? You really think that’s just giving her a taste of her own medicine?

OP I agree with previous posters. He’s been invited, if he chooses not to attend it’s his decision.

He wants you to beg. Don’t.

And I’d bloody well walk into family events with my head held high.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/05/2018 04:03

OP that was such a cruel thing for him to say to you.
I don't think you have anything to apologise for.
His apology was not an apology as he was trying to get you to agree that he didn't make the report. Outrageous.
You've invited them to your engagement party - which is all the olive branch necessary. Now h'es trying to spoil it with his threats.
Its up to them if they accept the invitation, or not. He was trying to get you to agree to his lie so that he could tell the rest of them you made it up. Dont let him. Its good that your DP is supporting you.
You will have a much nicer time if he doesn't turn up. Relative or not, you don't need to get too involved with this nasty person.

Original poster

Familyfeud22 · 31/05/2018 06:24

Thank you all so much! Your responses have given me loads of perspective.
I'm been too busy thinking about keeping the peace rather than actually thinking BIL's an asshole and why would I even want him at my engagement meal 🤔🤔
I won't be bowing down to him like SIL, or begging or his forgiveness like he's probably waiting for me to!

OP posts:

magoria · 31/05/2018 07:32

To be honest I would also have a good chat with you fiancé.

You need to be on the same page going forwards that you will apologise if you are wrong but you will not apologise to keep the peace just because everyone else does.

Much better to make sure you are a team on this than to find out otherwise after marriage.

BlondeB83 · 31/05/2018 07:36

You’ve apologied, don’t grovel. He is being a dominant dick.

Slarti · 31/05/2018 07:43

Normally I would say make the peace for the sake of future family relations, but what he said was so outrageously cruel that I wound't think it unreasonable to reject an apology for it - there are some things you just can't take back. And of course, he didn't take it back, he denied it. He only apologised for arguing, not the thing he actually said. If someone said something like that to my DW they wouldn't play any further part in our lives without some serious and genuine grovelling.

SenoritaViva · 31/05/2018 07:47

I agree about making sure you and fiancé are on the same page. However, I would not be avoiding events nor engaging further about whether he's coming to the meal. Don't let him be in control, yes, maybe you shouldn't have got involved but what he said was incredibly hurtful and unreasonable.

TitZillas · 31/05/2018 07:53

I would never speak to him again! As if it is EVER ok to accuse someone who has had a miscarriage of being responsible for the death of their child. That is bonkers and totally cruel.
Dont apologise to him or ‘keep the peace’ - your engagement meal will be much better without him there.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/05/2018 08:08

You said something interfering but correct, he said something cruel, he’s lied about it and now you’re supposed to grovel? Fuck that.

Clutterbugsmum · 31/05/2018 08:19

Go to all the things you have planned with DF family, if anyone mentions anything about BIL not being there because of YOUR argument with him just repeat that you have apologised and if BIL not here then that HE hasn't opted not to come and it is nothing to do with you.

Every one so used to doing what BIL want's that they can't understand that you won't.

lottiegarbanzo · 31/05/2018 08:21

Yes, I do agree with pp that a genuine apology is something that's offered, without strings, just a hope it will be accepted. You don't hassle someone to accept your apology.

It seems a good sign that MIL left with you and DF. That suggests that BIL's bad behaviour and self-centredness is 'seen' and not fully accepted within that family.

Do talk to your DF about how anything like this will be dealt with in future. And have a lovely dinner!

lottiegarbanzo · 31/05/2018 08:33

And with the other events, go, or he'll potray you as being ashamed of yourself and himself as the injured party.

I think, if asked, I would not talk about 'an argument', as that implies equal fault. I would try to state flatly in one line what happened, leaving others to draw their own conclusions. Do not collude with BIL in his re-writing of history. That will set such a bad precedent.

So, I might either say, 'yes BIL seems to have been avoiding us since he told me my miscarriage was my fault'. Or, 'yes, there was an incident, when I drunkenly criticised BIL's lazy parenting and he was incredibly nasty in response. I thought we'd moved on but apparently not.' Other people will have noticed his lazy parenting too. Or just 'there was an incident when I said something tactless and BIL responded with something very nasty but I'd hoped we'd moved on'.

senioritabonita · 31/05/2018 08:37

I’d smile and say ‘well, looks like we dodged a bullet there’ and be very glad such he isn’t coming.

Windmyonlyfriend · 31/05/2018 08:44

I don’t see that there’s anything more you need to do.

You accepted his somewhat shitty apology (albeit after a while, understandably in the circumstances), and even offered one of your own which was extremely gracious of you given the vileness of his comments.

I think I’d make it clear to my in-laws that as far as I was concerned, the whole thing was done and dusted and drop in a comment along the line of ‘isn’t it odd that BIL is finding it so hard to move on? Such a shame.’ Then I’d attend every family function as normal.

It’s entirely his problem now, not yours. Make sure everyone knows that.

zzzzz · 31/05/2018 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeriousSass · 31/05/2018 09:02

What a horrible situation. Your comment was awful and his comment worse.

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