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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if it's really true that all men watch porn?

97 replies

thetherapy · 30/05/2018 21:27

Can I ask MN, do your DHs or DPs admit to watching porn and is it a problem for you if so?

My DH admits to sometimes watching it when he's away on business, though he says he's only really into the women on women stuff. The issue I have is that when you go on the site, the lesbian / women on women stuff is there yes, but it's alongside other "genres" such as incest porn with a lot of more disturbing stuff literally in your face, plus adverts flashing all over the place for prostitutes etc. I'm not sure how some of the videos are actually legal - e.g. one hour long films depicting dads grooming their supposed teenage daughters. I'm absolutely horrified to be honest at some of it. AIBU to think that when men say that "all men watch porn" this is just an excuse to normalise it? Do all men really watch it? Also how realistic is it that they will really be avoiding the violent / sadistic subjects (ie most of it)?

OP posts:
starzig · 30/05/2018 23:00

I wouldnt say ALL men, but neither do all women.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/05/2018 23:09

I used to think that it was about 50/50 and that therefore plenty didn't, but have abandoned this belief in recent years. Virtually every man I've ever dated or slept with (and, ahem, it's a relatively sizeable sample) has to some extent and when I've asked close male friends they say the same.

With the ready availability and normalisation of hardcore, extreme and fetish porn, what's actually surprised me is that most of the men I've know prefer "vanilla" sex and say they prefer "vanilla" porn. And to some extent, were if not for the abuse and manipulation rife in the pornography industry as a whole, I can get on board with that: watching people who look as though they're enjoying having sex, having sex, is hot and a turn on. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but it's obviously almost impossible to view it in a vacuum.

AllMYSmellySocks · 30/05/2018 23:12

DH watches porn at worst it's a bit kinky but definitely not incest or anything illegal. It's mainly home made and uploaded onto websites so I really don't care. I do think it's an issue when young teenagers being exposed to huge amounts of porn though.

80sMum · 30/05/2018 23:14

I think it's highly likely that my DH has watched porn sometimes, since the advent of the Internet has made it so much more available (you no longer have to go to the back room of a sleazy backstreet sex shop in order to watch).

I have absolutely no interest in watching pornographic material myself; never have and never will. The whole porn industry turns me right off.

Maelstrop · 30/05/2018 23:16

We both do, but separately. I’m a repressed Catholic and ashamed of my body.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/05/2018 23:17

The worrying thing is that so many men must find incest arousing.. Supply and demand and all that.

I think many people, men and women, find incest arousing: a lot of sex research, from Kinsey to Sheere Hite to Nancy Friday, has explored female sexuality, arousal and the taboo and incest (along with rape and bestiality) consistently appear as relatively common fantasies for women. I think sexuality and arousal are far more complex, untidy and evasive of what's politically correct than we would like to think, and it's an area where fantasy and reality are not necessarily correlative.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/05/2018 23:18

I think that pretty much nearly all teenage boys have. I find it deeply depressing.

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 30/05/2018 23:25

No it isn’t, there are a lot of men out there that just don’t find it interesting.

TBH, I don’t think I could be with a man who could openly admit he watches porn.

busybarbara · 30/05/2018 23:28

"anal sex is presented as something to be expected - totally normal"

It is totally normal nowadays and definitely something most young couples will discuss. It doesn't mean they have to actually do it but like pubic hair, you'll find most younger couples (e.g. under 30) dabble from time to time including many MNers!

NameChangedForThisQ · 30/05/2018 23:29

arousal and the taboo and incest (along with rape and bestiality) consistently appear as relatively common fantasies for women Jesus Christ really?!? Envy

Original poster
thetherapy · 30/05/2018 23:45

VouceofReason - I'm not really talking about the obviously naff incest-themed porn - "Hit stepsister gives deep thrust in shower" kind of crap. In among all that is some really disturbing stuff like "dad trains daughter to be his submussive slut". It's horrifying and a total insult to anyone who has been abused within their family. As I say, I'm totally shocked these things are allowed in a legal site. Are there no standards at all? What are the women thinking when they "act" such scenes out? I personally would find hardcore s&m less disturbing because to me, that's just gimmick sex and lends itself more to "show" and filming. But fathers grooming daughters? Horrific. Yet it's there, in among all the "normal" stuff and you don't have to search for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thetherapy · 30/05/2018 23:47

Obviously some typos above, but won't re- type what I meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
thetherapy · 30/05/2018 23:49

And what the hell is the deal with urinating on people? Unbelievable.

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Boooommm · 30/05/2018 23:53

No they don't. A couple of my exes have and a couple havent. DH isn't interested in the least. The normlisation of anal sex etc is horrific.

Mousefunky · 30/05/2018 23:55

I mean, Freud made the incest link so that isn’t too unusual but yes, not socially acceptable and a pretty grotesque pill for most to swallow. It isn’t real incest on porn of course but still odd.

My DP watched it before we lived together. AFAIK he doesn’t now but he wouldn’t really get chance to and he knows I’ve never particularly liked it. I watched it as a teenager out of sheer curiosity but I never got off to it and always found it quite an amusing and bizarre concept.

My exH never watched it, he said he was too old for it and it felt weird. Likewise I had an ex years ago that was a vegan feminist and he hated the porn industry. So yes, men exist that don’t watch porn.

Freetodowhatiwant · 30/05/2018 23:58

Dh wouldn’t dream of watching it and a most of my male friends are the same. They’re not prudes - there have been a few wild years amongst us not just nights - but we tend to think of it as sleazy. Same as strip clubs.

BonnieF · 30/05/2018 23:59

The majority of men probably do, and a significant minority of women, although many wouldn’t admit it.

Porn isn’t something I can get particularly stressed about. There is far too much prudishness, pearl clutching and censoriousness about it on MN.

Mytwistedimagination · 31/05/2018 00:34

I think most do. I also think most will minimize what they watch when telling you. Dh apparently watched it occasionally when working away. Actually turned out to be pretty much addicted, he'd 'check in' ever day, and would be grabbing a quick thrill while kids in bed and I'd gone for a shower, for eg. That's a far cry from watching it occasionally while working away.

Ifonlyfor1day · 31/05/2018 00:54

No not all men.

DP used to watch it lots when he was a teenager and in the early days of our relationship.

After our first born he watched to much and replaced our sex life it porn. It was along time ago now but it was a rough road at the time.

He does not watch it anymore.

I wouldn't mind if he choose too, I used to watch it although the criminal act of trafficking and shit acting puts me off now.

I think the awful stuff between us back then puts DP off. Grin

Nb65988 · 31/05/2018 03:09

Yes it's fine but the advert that pop up are shocking that should be illegal and some of the topic are not right but it's take but they shouldn't be promoting these things but I don't think they are being governed by anyone

Original poster
thetherapy · 31/05/2018 08:41

If there was a site which was basically about women acting as if they were into each other and female group sex, that is not something that I could get worked up about. Does nothing for me, but no issue really if that's all DH was watching. Or even simulations of sex where both / all participants seemed to be enjoying it.

But it's not just that. Nearly all scenes have a sadistic undertone. Choking, ejeculating in women's faces, face slapping, women gagging from oral sex and so on. It says something very depressing about the male psyche.

By the time my daughters start dating, will something like ejeculating in faces be normal? It probably will and no doubt justified in the grounds of "safety" - well you can't get pregnant from that, etc.

All this is before the simulated scenes of grooming incest and rape which will be highly triggering and a total insult to the millions of women for whom this kind of thing has been a reality. What the hell us going on and why is there no control over this material on legal sites?

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BettyBeer · 31/05/2018 11:41

I thought they were bringing in a law that meant people had to opt in and sign up to these sites but it hasn't happened Sad

CaptainBrickbeard · 31/05/2018 11:54

I was reading a book from the late 90s that referenced pornography - the main female character goes into porn acting after experiencing sexual abuse as a child. So quite a plausible and common route into the industry. I was struck by how relatively harmless the descriptions of what she did were - it was normal sounding sex and the tone of the book was pretty pro-porn. I also remember in 90s shows like Friends, watching porn was very normalised.

I thought that if the book was written now, the character couldn’t have had the ‘empowering’ experience depicted in the book because porn now seems to mean something different. It seems to mean violent, abusive, misogynistic degradation. It seems to mean painful and bizarre acts that couldn’t possibly be enjoyable for the female recipient. It seems to involve terms like ‘ruin’, ‘destroy’, ‘brutal’ and ‘slut’ in the titles.

I think a lot of the defence of pornography is perhaps rooted in what it used to be - and I’m sure what it used to be involved coercion, exploitation and violence a lot of the time as well. But I think there used to be a thrill in just watching sex - now the thrill seems to come from something much darker and more sinister and that seems to be getting normalised in an really awful and damaging way.

FASH84 · 31/05/2018 11:57

I think a lot of men do when younger and grow out of it when they realise the links to exploitation and trafficking. That's what happened with DH, we were friends as teens and he was quite open about it, doesn't watch any more but his job includes working with vulnerable and trafficked women so that definitely had an impact. My DB has said he gave up porn the minute he found out he was having a daughter as something clicked and if he wouldn't be ok with his daughter doing it he really couldn't be ok watching it.

19lottie82 · 31/05/2018 11:58

I don’t think ALL men do, but i think there are a lot of women who think that their partners don’t watch it, when they do.

I don’t think it’s strange for men (or women) to watch porn.