AIBU to refuse to go home ?

[Shaz1410]

Husband of 12 years, refusing to share the household responsibilities and children’s homework. He says he will do whatever he feels like whenever he feels like, I have had enough of this as this always turns out that I’m doing way more than him and I’m always exhausted! I have told him he needs to have some responsibility but he refused and said whenever I tell him to do something he will try and do it but would not have a responsibility of any household chores. AIBU is not going home ? I need we need time to ourselves to think.

I agree with some of the others that he could turn this against you and lock you out

You need to be better prepared!

Seek leagal advice leaving the kids and himenis a bad idea in the long term.

Personally I'd tell him that selfishlazywankerotis is deemed to be highly contagious to adults and as such you'll be staying away until he's found the cure or until Sunday evening with the proviso that in the case of the latter he's found somewhere sterile outside the home to locate himself to.

OP, I don’t really understand why you’d put up with this. He is not a good husband and father - look at the poor role model he is providing. I would return home and just focus on looking after yourself and the children. I’d also be siphoning off money from any joint accounts and be speaking to a family lawyer about what you need to do with regards to leaving him and financially protecting yourself and the children.

He treats you with utter contempt and isn’t bothered on working on your marriage. He sounds vile and I think you deserve so much better.

OP, have a think about what you would say to a good friend if they were going through this. I bet you wouldn’t be telling them to work on the marriage.

Your children need you, they must be worried and they will certainly miss you. If they're young it will be even worse.

You do need to go home and to put a plan into place, but don't make your children suffer. It's rotten on them, and he might use this against you in the future.

I have come home, only for the sake of our children. He is showing me attitude for making him worry and now he has walked out telling me how I need to change as he’s not messy, he’s not lazy and that we all can be lazy

Oh and if I ever do this again, he will leave me. And what I’m doing in the house is the job of a mother and all the mothers do this, I made it clear to him, I will leave him if he doesn’t change and that he needs to google up responsibilities of a father.

What a toxic and unhealthy situation. Instead of threatening each other with the end of a pretty awful relationship maybe just make a plan to actually end it. Your kids learn from their parents what a healthy relationship is. This isn't one.

Wow. What a fucking areshole. Just stop doing anything that benefits him eg laundry, cooking. Obviously no sex, I mean how can you even want to go near him?! Misogynistic twat.

OP, you are simply delaying the inevitable. With that response from your DH, it lays out clearly that you have no hope of getting him to change, and to take an equal part.

Get rid.

... bottom line is that a loving husband does not treat his wife this way or show such a poor example to his children.

Oh and if I ever do this again, he will leave me

Do it.

Oh and if I ever do this again, he will leave me

Ok then

I'd sit him down , when he comes back , and say you aren't willing to engage this way. If he wants to sit down, and talk it out , keep trying. If he won't, explain it's time to plan how to separate in a way that's least hurtful to the kids.

He’s not physically abusive, unfaithful or a bad person

To quote Made in Dagenham - that's as it should be.

There's more to it though, isn't there?

I think it is pretty clear that he is not going to change.

The fact that his sister steps in to look after him when he has nobody else to speaks volumes for how they were brought up i.e. that anything domestic or nurturing is "women's work". If he has held these ideas for 45 years I doubt he will change now.

Borne out by this;
what I’m doing in the house is the job of a mother and all the mothers do this

When he comes back I think is the time to calmly tell him you will be seeking a separation / divorce. Just as a fact. No rows, just this is what will happen.

Let's face it your life will be easier as you will only have yourself and the DC to look after. And if he has them on a regular basis you will even have some time to yourself. Win-win.

Why do want this marriage to work, OP? And what is a working marriage for you?

Personally I think it takes two to make a marriage work and you have been doing more than your fair share while he is not doing any damn thing.

Shaz1410 it sounds like whats really agitating you is that your DC are now treating you the same as your DH. You have obviously simply been doing everything over the past 12years and you mention up thread that they 'all' think they are doing you a favour to help out at the weekend. Therefore you have a whole family issue. So maybe time for a family summit and put your foot down with the lot of them.