Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to go home ?

117 replies

Shaz1410 · 30/05/2018 15:45

Husband of 12 years, refusing to share the household responsibilities and children’s homework. He says he will do whatever he feels like whenever he feels like, I have had enough of this as this always turns out that I’m doing way more than him and I’m always exhausted! I have told him he needs to have some responsibility but he refused and said whenever I tell him to do something he will try and do it but would not have a responsibility of any household chores. AIBU is not going home ? I need we need time to ourselves to think.

OP posts:
Myotherusernameisbest · 30/05/2018 16:40

wow thats incredible. Will he actually look after the children if you go and stay in a hotel for a few days though? That would be my worry. he sounds like an absolute arse.

missyB1 · 30/05/2018 16:41

Do you have family or a friend you could stay with for a while? Tbh I would tell him you are considering a divorce as you have lost all respect for him.

Original poster
Shaz1410 · 30/05/2018 16:42

If I go home, he will sort himself out for a few days then back to normal and I’m fed up with this.
Regarding children yes he will look after them, he doesn’t cook at all so may be just eggs but take away.

OP posts:
SeahorsesAREhorses · 30/05/2018 16:42

Go home and tell him it's over.

rainbowstardrops · 30/05/2018 16:43

Kick his sorry arse out of the door and tell him not to come back until he's realised it's the 21st century.
He's a dick.

LinoleumBlownapart · 30/05/2018 16:43

I would stop doing stuff for him. If he asks why he has no dinner or clothes, tell him that you didn't want to make him to anything he didn't feel like or to force him to have responsibility, so his dinner and washing is ready and waiting for when he feels like it. You don't want to force him to grow up, he should be left to take it at his own pace.

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/05/2018 16:44

Tell him that if he's having serious memory issues and really is unable to remember to food shop and cook every Tuesday, Thurs and Saturday, check to see if the bin needs emptying, that the DC need clean clothes or that things don't clean themselves, then he should see a doctor. And that you would rather leave him and be single than effectively be his carer as you can't respect anyone so unable to look after himself or his children.

Original poster
Shaz1410 · 30/05/2018 16:44

Missy I have no family here, I suppose that’s why he got away with this for so long because he knows I have no where to go. I have friends but not the close ones, close ones live far away.

OP posts:
Mumminmum · 30/05/2018 16:47

So you think he is deliberately using the fact that you don't have close friends near by to take advantage of you? Jeeez. Another vote for LTB.

Failingat40 · 30/05/2018 16:47

Do you both work full time?

How is his job in terms of workload in comparison to yours?

If there's an imbalance in the work side of your relationship then I think it's reasonable to expect there's a difference on the home side to weight up the imbalance.

That said, he should be helping to some degree especially with the kids homework.

Original poster
Shaz1410 · 30/05/2018 16:56

Yes both full time, job pressure more or less the same, in fact mine can be more demanding at times.

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 30/05/2018 16:59

I thought gaming was meant to improve brain function and memory Hmm

Failingat40 · 30/05/2018 17:01

In that case he's being really unfair, you need to get away for a few days and leave them all to it! Wink

truckdrive · 30/05/2018 17:01

Hold on...

If I were to throw stuff at my partner when we had an argument I'd be arrested. I'm a man but in the '21st century' it's all equal.

You attempted to assault him. You lost your temper. And you are in the wrong.

I can just imagine if I were to come on here and say my partner had not done enough chores so I threw my wallet at her... But it misses so she's still in the wrong.

If he has any sense he will have you arrested and have an order in place to stop you coming back to the house.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 17:04

No she threw her handbag on the bed not even in his direction because he was mimicking her. Call the police and tell them that goady fucket

mandi73 · 30/05/2018 17:04

She threw her bag on her bed........not at him......ONTO HER BED!!!!!!!!

imdunkelnistgutmunkeln · 30/05/2018 17:05

WTF Truckdrive? The OP should be arrested for throwing her handbag n the bed, not even in the direction of her husband???

To use a MN favourite- are you on glue?

Original poster
Shaz1410 · 30/05/2018 17:05

Truck but I did not throw at him, I threw it down where we would put our feet on the bed, he was sitting at where we put our head. So no it was neither aimed at him nor hit him

OP posts:
truckdrive · 30/05/2018 17:06

Okay - next time someone upsets me whilst I'm driving my truck I'll throw stuff in their general direction. It's perfectly acceptable behavior...

In the real world it's aggressive and violent. And it's not acceptable. I wouldn't dream of throwing stuff on the bed in rage if I had an argument with my partner. Because I'm a civilised human being and I know the difference between right and wrong.

GreenTulips · 30/05/2018 17:07

Time to put your foot down

Next time he says he won't, ask him how will you manage when we divorce? You'll have the kids EOW and once in the week. So it's time you learnt how to do these things.

VivaKondo · 30/05/2018 17:07

If there's an imbalance in the work side of your relationship then I think it's reasonable to expect there's a difference on the home side to weight up the imbalance.

Fuck that. Sorry but the fact that the idea that the OP automatically has a lower job than him or less stressful is what is keeping women ‘at their place’.
Poor man is working so hard so had to be left alone when at home/woman needs to do more etc...
Except that the reason women end up with less paid/responsible job is BECAUSE they just can’t get away from all the responsibilities at home and men never step up ‘because they have a more important job’.
It’s always trotted out as the excuse. Even said woman actually has a similar job.

No, no no.

OP there is a similar thread running from a woman on hols with a similar man.
There are a few cartoons and articles linked there that might help you make you point across.
Or you could just stop doing things. I’ve told my H before that xx was now his responsibility. And then I have NEVER lifted a finger to do xxx, even when I could have helped. Not because I’m heartless. But because
1- he never has done that for me. I always neede to ask
2- helping was the sure way to insure he wouod stop doing xx as I know hemwoild have seen it as the sign of me resuming normal ‘service’
Or you could just leave him (I’m sure he will find a way to suddenly be able to cook for himself, clean, wash clothes etc..., AND remember abou doing it. Amazing that isn’t it??)

imdunkelnistgutmunkeln · 30/05/2018 17:08

Oh FFS Truckdrive, stop trolling.

devasted · 30/05/2018 17:09

I would get your ducks in a row. He isn't willing to change why put up with it you don't want your children thinking it's normal and treat you like a skivvy. Move back closer to your friends/family if you can so you have a support network. I did because I couldn't take it no more. In my case he was also abusive and unfaithful. But I remember the cycle well of things getting bad us arguing him promising to change and he would for a week or so and then it would go back to how it always was.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 17:10

My uncle is a truck driver he's a misogynistic abusive prick who gets his kicks from deliberately trying to provoke women too.

Trinity66 · 30/05/2018 17:12

Oh FFS Truckdrive, stop trolling.

.

Swipe left for the next trending thread