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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to go home ?

117 replies

Shaz1410 · 30/05/2018 15:45

Husband of 12 years, refusing to share the household responsibilities and children’s homework. He says he will do whatever he feels like whenever he feels like, I have had enough of this as this always turns out that I’m doing way more than him and I’m always exhausted! I have told him he needs to have some responsibility but he refused and said whenever I tell him to do something he will try and do it but would not have a responsibility of any household chores. AIBU is not going home ? I need we need time to ourselves to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz1410 · 30/05/2018 18:30

He has just text me saying when are you coming home ? Kids are getting worried.
What should I say ? He knew I would not be coming home if he doesn’t sort himself out. His reply was until I apologised we are not on talking terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz1410 · 30/05/2018 18:37

Youngest DC is 9.

OP posts:
EthelHornsby · 30/05/2018 18:39

Well if you are not on speaking terms, you don’t need to reply, do you?

SeaEagleFeather · 30/05/2018 18:40

I want this marriage to work

You do.

His reply was until I apologised we are not on talking terms.

He doesn't.

Wolfiefan · 30/05/2018 18:43

He's not a good person if he's mimicking you and expecting you to do all the hard work around the house. A marriage is a partnership. It's not slavery.
Throwing the bag. Not ideal. But OP is frustrated. Unless the drip feed is that it was suitcase sized and full of bricks and the bed was cotbed sized so it DID nearly hit him then it's a bit of a non event.

Candlelight123 · 30/05/2018 18:46

Tell him he doesn't get to opt in and out of parenting picking and choosing what aspects he 'feels like' doing.

HeebieJeebies456 · 30/05/2018 18:46

He doesn't care, value or respect you enough for this marriage to work.
He knows you do which is why he is deliberately and knowingly continuing to abuse and manipulate you.

i'd go home and tell him that you're divorcing him -THAT'S the kind of ultimatum he needs to decide whether he changes or not

Whocansay · 30/05/2018 18:47

Go home so your kids don't think you've abandoned them.
Ask him to leave. He's turned the handbag thing into a big deal so he can use it as a stick to beat you with. He's a lazy shit. I don't know how you can have any respect for him.

VivaKondo · 30/05/2018 18:59

So he is guilt tripping you and doing his best to use the dcs against you?
Oh and he is not doing anything to reassure them. That way if you stay it’s you who is the bad guy, the one who worried the children etc...

Can you see how he is manipulating the situation to his advantage and get away with murder??

Tbh, if he never cooks or clean when he is on his own and has his sister doing it for him, I don’t think he will ever change nor do I think he will work hard on the marriage.

I would go back home and kick him out once I had organised myself.

truckdrive · 30/05/2018 19:06

I despair. What sort of terrible advice is this? I'm not trying to provoke here I'm being balanced.

Imagine is someone said: 'My partner and I were arguing because he said I don't do enough house work, I did respond in a childish way and antagonised him. But he then threw his wallet at the bed I was sitting on. This scared and upset me. So I told him it wasn't acceptable. When I got home he refused to apologise and is saying he's going to kick me out of the house".

Becasue that's exactly what you are advocating this lady says.

TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 19:14

He’s not physically abusive, unfaithful or a bad person

But he is lazy, selfish and doesn't seem to care about your feelings. The above points you made do not cancel out the negatives.

truckdrive

Just go and apologise to OP, you are quite clearly her husbandGrin

DotForShort · 30/05/2018 19:19

If you would like to stay away for a few days, then do it. Text him that you will be at X hotel, call your children to say good night, and enjoy a bit of space.

You are both working full time, running the household should be a joint responsibility. I do think that if one partner has more time available (SAHP or part-time employee), that person should generally do more of the work at home. But that isn’t the case here. Read Fay Weldon’s great story “Weekend.” Written in the ‘70s, sadly still rings true for many families today.

Maybe staying away for a few days will be a bit of a wake up call for your DH.

rednsparkley · 30/05/2018 19:22

I want this marriage to work

You do.

His reply was until I apologised we are not on talking terms.

He doesn't.

I agree with @SeaEagleFeather here ^^

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2018 19:23

In the real world it's aggressive and violent. And it's not acceptable. I wouldn't dream of throwing stuff on the bed in rage if I had an argument with my partner. Because I'm a civilised human being and I know the difference between right and wrong.

Is it buggery aggressive and violent. Get over yourself.

Lilacwine1 · 30/05/2018 19:27

What an absolute shit. It would be easy for me to say leave him, but as you say, that isn't possible, as you haven't enough funds. You could start by putting as much money as you can into an account he would know nothing about. Have you got a bag or a case you can secrete some essentials in i.e. Clothes, toiletries, make-up, and then if things get too bad, even if it's a cheap hotel, at least you're away from him, and you might find something permanent. Best of luck OP. I really hope you find a solution.Flowers

GreenTulips · 30/05/2018 19:31

So he isn't working worriednaonhes sing the kids to make you feel guilty

Text him - I've explained I'll be home when things change. If you can't do that then we shall be divorcing. Leave the children out of it.

SeaEagleFeather · 30/05/2018 19:38

He’s not physically abusive, unfaithful or a bad person

It takes an awful lot more than this to be a good husband, though.

Hillfarmer · 30/05/2018 19:40

So he’s been married before and that broke down? Have you ever heard the first wife’s story. What’s his story about his marriage breakdown. I bet he’s described her as a nag.

Does he have other children?

Mumbun · 30/05/2018 19:41

I understand why you would want to bugger off for a few days - he sounds like a massive arsehole. I can't get past the mimicking thing to be honest ... contempt is always completely unacceptable.
But if you don't go home he will use it against you and your children will be worried and upset.
Go home. Tell your husband that this is serious and you would like him to move out for a few days to really think about what you both want. If he won't, then, if you can, take a few days off and take the kids somewhere - is it half term where you are?

Ryder63 · 30/05/2018 19:51

Mumbun why the fuck should OP be the one to take the kids somewhere?

Hillfarmer · 30/05/2018 19:55

Agree with Mumbun. Go home. He will use any absence against you.

If anyone should leave for a few days it is him. Meant to put that in my first reply but it was getting ridiculously long.

Seriously, don’t try to make your point by staying away. He will find a way to put you in the wrong. He is not going to be sprinkling rose petals on your pillow, OR be at all contrite when you do go home after a few days. It will only be worse and he will think himself even more justified in being a shit.

You should be able to discuss this like adults, even if it is to say ‘this is a dealbreaker. We will have to split up if you carry on treating me like this.’

boilerhouse2007 · 30/05/2018 19:57

Know it is different but i used to have a housemate exactly like this-these ppl are the worst.

DotForShort · 30/05/2018 19:58

If he leaves, he once again merrily skips away from any housework or childcare responsibilities. Why should the OP be the default parent and keeper of the hearth?

Cliona1972 · 30/05/2018 20:00

Can you bunk in a friend's house for a day or two?

Rattail · 30/05/2018 20:09

Tell him you will be back in a few days, try and get him to take you seriously