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AIBU?

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Original poster

Talk me out of going

74 replies

Picklepickle123 · 30/05/2018 14:45

DS is 1 year next week, but he's really been struggling with settling in at nursery. So far, he's had about five sessions there, varying between 2 hours and 5 hours. Most of the time, he just screams the whole time. I try and call after 90 minutes to see how he's doing - he's still screaming.

Today was his first full day, I go back to work in two weeks. They've just called me saying he's not eaten or drunk anything all day. I ask if I should come and collect him, they say that's up to me. Hmm

What do I do? The plan is to collect him at 5 but I could hear him screaming through the whole conversation. Sad

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 30/05/2018 14:49

NO don’t go becuase if you’ve got to return to work he has no choice but to get use to it as you need to earn money. 2 weeks time if he doesn’t eat mummy won’t be able to come so he is going to have to accept it.

Original poster
Picklepickle123 · 30/05/2018 15:00

Most people I've spoken to have talked about '10 minutes of tears at drop off' but screaming the whole day? Tell me this is normal?

OP posts:
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 30/05/2018 15:06

If you do collect him what happens next time if he cries, will you be able to leave work early to fetch him? Will you be working long days every day? Hopefully as it's only his first full day his transition will get easier.

I've no idea if you're able to defer your return to work or if you're all just going to have to get through this, but it must be awful hearing him so upset Flowers

Myusername2015 · 30/05/2018 15:06

Are you happy with the setting? I had exactly the same with my little one and although they seemed fine he just couldn’t settle there and cried all day; Moved him to a childminder and he settled much quicker.
If you are happy however I agree with the above; he’ll need to get used to it and picking him early isn’t going to help. Sending you thoughts I know how horrible It is especially with return to work looming.

SomeKnobend · 30/05/2018 15:08

My first was like this. I went in and spent time in the nursery, helped give her lunch one day and it really helped the transition. She still hated it for a while but it definitely helped.

Kolo · 30/05/2018 15:22

5-10 mins of crying I’d say is quite normal. I’d be worried about all day crying, though. My first thoughts would be 1) is he poorly? Is he doing this at home too? 2) has the settling in been suitable? You’ve got a couple of weeks to change this. 3) the setting isn’t right. I’ve been running a childcare business for the last 3 years (although it’s for older, primary aged kids) and some tears when children start is not at all abnormal, but it would worry me if the crying was all day long.

With my own son, he started nursery pretty easily at 10months ish. Then we moved house and nursery when he was 18months. He spent 4 days crying and it all just felt totally wrong, so I pulled him out of that nursery. We started a new one where I did a sort of gradual withdrawal over a few weeks (it was during my 2nd maternity leave so I was able to spend time doing that). I started sitting with him for 30mins and then we’d go home, then I’d start increasing the length of time and moving further away from him, playing with other kids, eventually going to sit in the staff room and then leaving the building all together. I feel for you, because it was a really heart wrenching and stressful time for me (and my son, I imagine). I also know plenty of parents who prefer the ‘drop and run’ method so their child gets used to it faster. I imagine that’s a reasonable method assuming the setting is right and they’re able to distract? At the end of the day, you’ve got to do what feels right to you, given the restriction that you’ve got to go back to work Sad. Hope you find a solution fast!

TheOrigFV45 · 30/05/2018 15:29

Gosh, that sounds tough.

I would be encouraged by the fact they have called you and been entirely honest. This means you can trust them.

Have they told you what they are doing to soothe him?

TroubledLichen · 30/05/2018 15:35

What happens if you leave him with someone else for the day? Like a friend or relative? It might give you an idea whether the issue is being seperated from you or whether the nursery just isn’t quite right for him. A few tears at drop off is totally normal, DD is the same age and just started daycare and we warned to expect this but screaming all day and refusing all food/water really doesn’t sound right to me. I might be willing to stick out the crying for a few days to see if it improves but the not drinking is particularly worrying, he could end up dehydrated and very unwell as a result.

Coastalcommand · 30/05/2018 15:43

Go to him, and maybe have a think about a childminder rather than a nursery? Don’t feel bad if he’s not ready for nursery yet. For some it takes longer. Go and give him a huge hug!

Original poster
Picklepickle123 · 30/05/2018 15:48

He's normally fine with other people, although he's never been left for more than a few hours before. I've been having a few niggles with the setting but thought I would wait a month and see how he does and whether he warms to them. Because I'm going back to work soon, I don't even know how I'm meant to start planning settling in sessions for a different nursery - in my mind six weeks of gradual increasing the time he spent at nursery seemed like a good plan.

OP posts:
TroubledLichen · 30/05/2018 15:51

Hmm if he’s usually fine being left then maybe the nursery just isn’t a good fit, I agree with the advice to consider a childminder instead. As it’s someone’s home it might be a more familiar environment for him.

Coastalcommand · 30/05/2018 16:39

Do whatever feels right for you both. How’s he doing?

Original poster
Picklepickle123 · 30/05/2018 16:45

So I've just collected him, he was strapped into a pram bassinet with no one in the same room.

They told me that he just needed to go to sleep and he was frustrated he couldn't go to sleep, but I'm feeling more uncomfortable now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklepickle123 · 30/05/2018 16:45

Sorry pressed send too soon...

He was crying and twisting and turning trying to break out of the bassinet. Broke my little heart, he couldn't jump out of there fast enough when I undid the buckle.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 30/05/2018 16:48

Time for a change of setting, strapping in and leaving an upset child doesn't seem like the kind of environment I'd want. Maybe he is better with a childminder? A more familiar home type setting?

Atalune · 30/05/2018 16:48

I’d move him pronto.

Can you investigate the use of a childminder, more of a home from home environment?

letsdolunch321 · 30/05/2018 16:49

Doesn’t sound normal for a child to be left in a room on their own.

I would definitely look at other options.

ranoutofquinoa · 30/05/2018 16:49

OMG that's awful. He shouldn't have been strapped into anything unless it was to stop him hurting himself ie they were going for a walk. Also he should have had his key worker with him.

My ds (second child) didn't settle at nursery at first, they used to call me and ask if they could send him for a walk with two members of staff. That used to do the trick. He went to nursery for a year till he was 2 then to the Pre school he's still at and he loves the Pre school. It's really hard to fit a setting to each child but I really would look at others by the sound of the treatment you've seen first hand today.
Good luck and I'm sure it will all work out.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 16:50

You're very restrained to have not complained I think I would have, that's not on. My mum ran a nursery for most of my childhood she's here at the moment and is shocked by this.

TitZillas · 30/05/2018 16:52

That is NOT acceptable from the nursery!
I’d be looking for a different CM or nursery immediately.

TroubledLichen · 30/05/2018 16:53

Shock they strapped an almost 1 year old into a pram bassinet and left him alone in a room to cry?! That’s neglectful, no way would I be taking my child back there again. Poor little guy, no wonder he’s so upset Sad

SomeKnobend · 30/05/2018 16:54

That's terrible! Change nursery asap. Poor baby.

lamerde · 30/05/2018 16:54

What are you going to do in two weeks when you need to go back to work?

The way I see it, you have three options:

  1. Continue in the hope that he finally settles in
  2. Seek out new childcare
  3. Give up work (extreme but some people would consider it)

Does he normally nap? I wouldn’t be over concerned that they’d put him in a bassinet to try to get him to nap.

lamerde · 30/05/2018 16:55

Also you say alone, had someone left the room to come to get you to take you to the room?

Coastalcommand · 30/05/2018 16:59

Poor him and poor you! Sounds like he needs something more one on one and homely. Big hugs tonight!