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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Talk me out of going

74 replies

Picklepickle123 · 30/05/2018 14:45

DS is 1 year next week, but he's really been struggling with settling in at nursery. So far, he's had about five sessions there, varying between 2 hours and 5 hours. Most of the time, he just screams the whole time. I try and call after 90 minutes to see how he's doing - he's still screaming.

Today was his first full day, I go back to work in two weeks. They've just called me saying he's not eaten or drunk anything all day. I ask if I should come and collect him, they say that's up to me.

What do I do? The plan is to collect him at 5 but I could hear him screaming through the whole conversation.

OP posts:

GloGirl · 30/05/2018 17:03

I'd look for a new setting immediately and I'd put in a formal complaint about how you found him, possibly to Ofsted, and I haven't in 6 years made a formal complaint before about childcare.

It's not on to abandon a clearly distressed child.

Thehop · 30/05/2018 17:03

That’s outrageous and should t happen! Please look into a gentle nursery or child under x

Thehop · 30/05/2018 17:03

Sorry minder not under

MistyMeena · 30/05/2018 17:10

I'm surprised by replies that he'll just have to get on with it and learn. He's not even 1. He is too little to be manipulative, IMO he's crying because it's not the right place for him. It doesn't sound like a great nursery anyway if they are strapping him down and leaving him. I would consider moving him or trying a childminder.

teaandtwigs · 30/05/2018 17:15

They strapped him in and left him? Absolutely not on. I wouldn't be putting him back

Original poster

Picklepickle123 · 30/05/2018 17:17

I know, I'm so torn I didn't complain at the time or question what was going on. Tbf, the women who came to open the door for me might have been in the with him rocking the pram back and fore. I need to have a word with the manager tomorrow.

OP posts:

MumofBoysx2 · 30/05/2018 17:18

I would go and collect him, he doesn't sound happy :-(

happypoobum · 30/05/2018 17:21

OP when you say "screaming" do you actually mean screaming or do you mean crying? If it's the former I would be really very concerned.

After your update though I agree with PP that you need to explore alternative childcare.

YearOfYouRemember · 30/05/2018 17:24

Your post has seriously made me consider going back to work as a nanny. Your poor DS and poor you. My dd never settled at playschool or nursery. At playschool it had been 5-6 months and they said she was no more settled than the beginning. I thought she'd been fine . Then we tried nursery and while some aspects were good, they once laid in the floor with her for nearly an hour, it just wasn't the right place for her. I took her out at about 3.8 and she started school when she was 4.1. That went better.

I'd not send him back to that nursery.

Look into a shared nanny or childminder.

Get recommendations for other nurseries and go with your gut.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2018 17:30

This isn’t the setting for your ds imo. Poor boy. He’s so little and trying to make sense of things.

MimiSunshine · 30/05/2018 17:31

My lo took a few weeks to settle into nursery at the same age (although no all day screaming) but I was always reassured that they genuinely cared for her.
They would never have strapped a 1yr old into an infant bassinet and left them to cry.

That is awful and I can see why you just left without saying anything.
However tomorrow I’d suggest going in (alone if at all possible to leave your son with someone) and ask for answers to the following:
Why that action was taken?
Why wasn’t he in a cot at the very least
What is their usual tatics for calming him down
How many other children have they dealt with like this who are struggling (the answer shouldn’t be none)
What are their next ideas to try

My daughters key worker ensured she built a great bond with her and I know would have sat with her all day if she needed to, just giving her a cuddle when she first started to build up the trust and encourage her to interact / play / read etc
She’d never have left her to scream all day

supersop60 · 30/05/2018 17:32

OP - this doesn't sound right. Please a) complain about the strapping in and b) find another nursery or childminder and c) check there are no other health issues etc with your DS. He is still so little, there is time to sort this out.

Talith · 30/05/2018 17:34

The setting doesn't sound great to be honest, I'd not have liked mine to be left alone in a bassinet like that and so I think you need to trust your instincts and find another nursery or yes, a childminder may be more suitable.

londonrach · 30/05/2018 17:36

That nursery not right for him. Yes crying for a short time but screaming the whole time. Go in op.

littlemisscomper · 30/05/2018 17:37

Does it have to be a nursery? From the sounds of it a childminder, or ideally a nanny, would be best for him.

HellenaHandbasket · 30/05/2018 17:38

Fuck that, I would be collecting him in a shot, pury based on your first post.

Bluntness100 · 30/05/2018 17:39

Check he was left alone and not being soothed by that lady. Becayse the former is bad and the latter good.

You're in a difficult position if you need to work. You may need to find a child minder Because now he finds it traumatic, he may not come back from it,

I'd say no it's not normal to cry this much and for so long. Sorry 💐

8pinksnails · 30/05/2018 17:42

Could you find a childminder instead? A friend had a baby who just couldn't cope with nursery. She tried a childminder instead and he was fine.

RedSkyAtNight · 30/05/2018 17:46

DD did similar. The nursery tried lots of ways to soothe her and eventually found that she was calmed by putting her in a swing. So initially she spent lot of time in the swing, and then they gradually cut it down as she got used to it.

I'd agree with not going, but ask the nursery what they are doing to settle her.

summerinrome · 30/05/2018 17:46

Poor little thing. That is neglect. They have put him in there, secured him and left him to it.

At least you know now what kind of place it is :(

bertielab · 30/05/2018 17:48

I'd be complaining. That's abuse.

mrsFruitLoops · 30/05/2018 17:49

Ex nursery nurse here....it's not normal to leave a screaming baby alone strapped in a pram.

We had one child who began his sessions with screaming the whole day. He got lots of cuddles and distractions wih toys and after a couple of weeks he got used to us. Still cried when he was dropped off but soon stopped after. The Trust was built up through loving and caring and showing him we could have fun and mummy would be back. Not by strapping him in another room and leaving him alone.

I would find another nursery or maybe a childminder....and speak to the manager. If you are still not happy then consider reporting to ofsed

Naschkatze · 30/05/2018 18:04

Just to echo PPs above, I would not be at all happy with that situation and would be finding a new setting. How flexible are your superiors at work? My line manager kindly said we could move my return date/do short days if nursery settling took longer.

DS took a while to settle in nursery and was really upset to start with. But his key worker and other staff offered lots of cuddles and worked really hard to distract him. They have a policy of never leaving a child to cry and will cuddle to sleep if necessary. He loves it there now and adores his key worker.

Hope you can get something sorted OP!

Ellapaella · 30/05/2018 18:41

Don't take him back there. I had a similar problem when my middle child was the same age. He hated the nursery so much he would scream and sob as soon as we pulled up outside. I found a childminder instead and the change in him was almost instant. He had no problems at all at the childminders and was happy to go and very content.
The situation with your child crying on his own in a room is very concerning, there's no way in hell I'd take my child back there personally.

Original poster

Picklepickle123 · 30/05/2018 18:42

He's booked in for the whole day again tomorrow but I don't really want to send him. I might just ring by manager and explain the situation so she has the heads up that I might not be able to return to work on the agreed date.

What doesn't help is that it still only gives me two weeks to try and find an alternative nursery and get him settled there. Ideally a childminder but tbh they are harder to find and normally booked up in advance!

OP posts:

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