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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbond unfair - or me?

70 replies

Evigglad46 · 30/05/2018 07:21

Hi all.. I have a problem, I dont know how to proceed and could use some points of opinion..
I suffer from general anxiety, and pretty much worked my general life out around it, so it does not inflict much on me or my family. I work from home.
But 2 years ago, we decided to move to a farm in the middle of nowhere, school 4 km away and shopping 10 km away. And I needed to get a drivers licence. Absolutely a nightmare! I flunked test 4 times, it cost a fortune. My driving teacher said I was very good at driving, except for my nervousness - which was activated if there was more than 4 cars on the road :-( Anyway, we moved to the farm, I finally got my licence and a car. And I never got better. Have had the licence almost a year now, can drive kids to school and sport, shopping, doctors - I have a comfort zone within 10 km of where I live. When I try to go further, I freak out, get tunnel vision, hyperventilating and it takes up a lot of energy, just thinking of it - even the day before I have butterflies in my stomach and cant sleep from nerves.
Now to my problem. I am married to a man - 9 years - who can do all. He work so hard, never complain and have absolutely no understanding of my problem.
Kids - my kids - is now on school camp, coming home Friday. School organized parents to pick up kids and take them home. A parent called me yesterday, to say she couldnt take my daughter all the way home - she has to be picked up in a rather big city 15 km away. I already feel myself freaking out, and the time out from the kids - and alone time with my husbond - is clouded from the fear as I have to pick her up. My husbond think it is a question of "pulling myself together" - as he always do himself - just "pressuring myself a little" - and "dont think do much".
He does have an oppertunity to go from work, and if I insist - he will do.
But my problem is, that I dont think he - or the general population - take anxiety serious. As I said, I dont feel my anxiety is hounting my life, I have planned around it - but this driving thing is too much for me. And I am hurt, that he thinks it is a question of "pulling myself together".
Any tips or thoughts?

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 30/05/2018 07:23

Do the drive to the city a few times now with DH so it becomes familiar?

biscuitaddict · 30/05/2018 07:24

Get some medical help. I don't think you're taking it seriously tbh, it's a mental health condition and it's clearly affecting your daily life.

Sirzy · 30/05/2018 07:24

But by not ever pushing out of your comfort zone then yes you are letting the anxiety control you. And I say that as someone who suffers from anxiety.

GeekyWombat · 30/05/2018 07:25

I think you're right that a lot of people don't understand anxiety, how it works or what triggers it. Clearly 'pulling yourself together' isn't going to do it - and if you could do that why wouldn't you have done that ages ago?!

Is there anything you can do to make you feel more comfortable or minimise the anxiety as much as possible? I know it's a long way, but could you try a dry run one evening when traffic is quieter, using your sat nav? Would your husband coming with you make you feel more calm? (I appreciate that means both of you have to go for pick up, but if longer-term it helps build your confidence and ease your fears it would be worth both your time to do it that way).

Have you spoken to your GP about your anxiety? Perhaps there's something they can do to help.

Flowers
Original poster
Evigglad46 · 30/05/2018 07:30

I can get medicine - something I have to take everyday, all year round. "Depot medicine". (google translate :-) But there is a lot of side effects; weight gain, loosing desire for sex, sleep challenging..
I have tried, multiple, and the side effect are hard.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 30/05/2018 07:31

You need medical help OP. Planning your life around the anxiety is giving in to it. The fact that it is affecting your husband and children means it's time to get on top of it.

I think one of the main problems with understanding anxiety is that it's so different in people, I react very differently to my friend but it's still anxiety.

bsbabas · 30/05/2018 07:33

Your husband is deluded don't drive if you can't and see your gp

crumble9 · 30/05/2018 07:34

I appreciate its very hard, and pulling it together is in no way a helpful comment. But as PPs have said you need to get some more help from your GP etc, you mentioned negative side effects, are you taking the tablets?

As your DC gets old they are going to increasingly leave that comfort zone of yours, and what happens in an emergency and you need to get to them?

DevonshireCreamTea · 30/05/2018 07:36

Feel the fear, and do it anyway.

TheShapeOfEwe · 30/05/2018 07:36

I think for this Friday, given how soon it is, your husband should pick up your child. You don't have time to solve the problem before then.

But for the long term you must work on resolving your anxiety. I also suffer from it so I am sympathetic but yours is currently limiting your life and you have to do some work. Medication and therapy therapy therapy. Speak to your GP, do some research in your area. You can overcome this.

KataraJean · 30/05/2018 07:38

Anxiety is a mental health issue, and if you had a physical health issue, then your DH would not be telling you to ‘pull yourself together’

Who decided to move to the farm? It sounds like you are doing great so far, having worked out what you can manage and doing this. But if the 15km trip is too far and causing you anxiety, then the best solution is for your DH to do it, and for you to think about how to improve your anxiety in the longer term. It is not possible to pull yourself together, but it is possible to do CBT or meditation regularly and start to get better, or seek other therapy or medication.

It can and will get better if you actively take steps to seek help. I had anxiety and panic attacks because of things which had happened to me, I am a single mum so I had to get it sorted. But I have had CBT and therapy as well as medication. There is one thing I still cannot do, and I have decided not to make myself do it. My therapist basically agrees trying to do it before I am ready would be counter-productive. So it is not that I will never do it, just not yet.

Have you looked at the charity MIND - their website has resources for people suffering mental health issues and also for their family on how best to support them. Maybe you and your DH could work out a longer term plan. He should pick up the DC when they get back though, as it sounds like he will do that if you cannot. This is not you failing, it is you taking steps for your own mental well-being. Just take some longer term ones as wellFlowers

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 30/05/2018 07:38

MilkTwoSugarsThanks is spot on.

Bear in mind that medication will only help to a certain extent, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) might help you a lot, especially when it comes to pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone.

Sirzy · 30/05/2018 07:41

Although telling someone to “pull themselves together” isn’t helpful sometimes actually it is more helpful than enabling the stuck in a rut not willing to seek change attitude. If that continues they realistically your world will get smaller not bigger

On Friday ask your husband to finish early but you drive with him there with you.

Original poster
Evigglad46 · 30/05/2018 07:41

I do "pull myself together" in other aspects of my life - I dont give in, as such. I do a lot, that is hard - social gathering, meetings, etc.
But when driving out of comfort zone - it is my body that freak out, and I feel it becomes dangerous, as I am driving, hyperventilating.. Which only increase my problem..
I have been to doctors several times. They can only give me the deposit medication. The ones that work "here and now" - you are not allowed to drive on. I dont take medication now, but has before, and the sideeffect is much larger than the effect on ly driving..
The suggestion of taking my husbond on a training tour is good, and he will do I am sure - but no way it can get so much better before Friday.. Crap, I feel so stupid!

OP posts:
Addy2 · 30/05/2018 07:49

I personally wouldn't do it if I were you. If you are hyperventilating and panicking, you'll be a danger to other road users and yourself. Longer term, maybe look at cognitive behavioral therapy, but that'll take longer than a few days to sort it out. Ordinarily, I'd agree with not letting the anxiety control you, but if you don't feel safe to drive then don't drive.

AllMYSmellySocks · 30/05/2018 07:50

I have almost the identical problem. After over a year of driving I'm still not confident outside of familiar routes. Have you tried beta blockers? It can help the physical symptoms and for me it just got me out of the habit of panicking wile driving.

rookiemere · 30/05/2018 07:52

I have no underlying anxiety issues, and have driven since I passed my test at 17, and it’s still something that I find extremely stressful, particularly on unfamiliar routes. I think it’s the not knowing exactly where you’re meant to be going and the lack of control over what other drivers might do, then the will I get a parking spot that I can park in.

It doesn’t stop me, but I do avoid driving on holiday or in the UK when it’s really narrow roads.

Sorry probably not being much help - but just wanted you to know that others find driving hard too.

For this situation could you drive and park where you feel comfortable and get a taxi from there ?

Odoreida · 30/05/2018 07:54

I tried hypnotherapy for my driving fear. I still haven't passed my test but the fear is gone. I really would recommend it if you can find someone trustworthy

Magmatic80 · 30/05/2018 07:56

Drive to the nearest public transport point and park there. Get bus/train/whatever into the city to pick up child and get bus/train back to car.

Original poster
Evigglad46 · 30/05/2018 08:02

I will try beta blockers - the taxa idea was good - if there were any taxas out here! I also think that it IS dangerous, as I freak out the way I do.
Thank you all for your advice and understanding. It means a lot to me that you are so sympatic to my problem, and it hurts me that my husbond is not. He is never nervous, there is nothing he cannot do - except maby understand my feelings according to driving.. He is usually quite nice about it, but sometimes also suggest that I drive home from birthdays etc - so I know he really think it is because I dont want to, not because it is a true problem for me.

OP posts:
nannybeach · 30/05/2018 08:05

Am assuming by the km, instead of miles you are in another country, my DH has varied complicated anxieties and phobias, including agoraphobia, fear of going out strangers, social situations, he was on a mild dose of medication for 7 years, (at night) but he said it "dumbed him down" and the side effects you mention, then saw a phsycho/hypno therapist which helped. I feel for you, am very claustrophobic and have been in 3 entrapments, (no, not my fault first as a child) I had no option but to drive to work, village 12 miles from home no public transport. I went back to my driving instructior for advice, did extra lessons with him, and passed both the Advanced and High Perfomance driving tests with a Police examiner. Oddly enough both my late DM and Aunt and MIL all passed their driving tests and never drove.

ChickenDinnerChecky · 30/05/2018 08:07

I take citralopram for anxiety and I don’t have any side effects (few for the first two weeks but they soon passed).

I agree with a PP saying your DH should do this one but then you need to start pushing yourself.

That’s what I have had to do too and it does work I promise.

I had an opportunity to go and sit on a government panel in London (big anxiety about tubes/London) which I turned down initially but then planned it carefully and went, was very successful for me so gave me tonnes of confidence!

Good luck, you sound determined so I think you’ll work hard on this!

Mary1935 · 30/05/2018 08:11

Sorry OP I'm. Mental health nurse - I'm concerned re your comment for "depot medication" - this is usually given for people who have schizophrenia - I've never ever heard it used for anxiety alone - have you been given any tablets for anxiety?
Do not take any Depot.
You are not crippled by your anxiety - you've done well - passed your driving test - drive locally - ask your husband to do it this time - but aim to increase your driving distance over the next year.
Have you had any CBT?
Who told you about a depot? Was it a GP or a psychiatrist? Please respond - I'm curious.

Treaclepie19 · 30/05/2018 08:19

I get the same issue as you. It's not the driving I'm scared of but wide open spaces.
I've had lots of CBT for it that hasn't helped.
My plan is to keep doing exposure and working up to the hardest places. Can you do that?
Don't beat yourself up though, its a mental health issue.

Talia99 · 30/05/2018 08:21

Are there trains into the big city? If so, could you drive to a small country station within your comfort zone, get the train in and out and then drive the rest of the way home with the kids?

I don’t have anxiety issues but I still won’t drive into the city near me - far too much traffic and far too stressful.