Husbond unfair - or me?

[Evigglad46]

Hi all.. I have a problem, I dont know how to proceed and could use some points of opinion..
I suffer from general anxiety, and pretty much worked my general life out around it, so it does not inflict much on me or my family. I work from home.
But 2 years ago, we decided to move to a farm in the middle of nowhere, school 4 km away and shopping 10 km away. And I needed to get a drivers licence. Absolutely a nightmare! I flunked test 4 times, it cost a fortune. My driving teacher said I was very good at driving, except for my nervousness - which was activated if there was more than 4 cars on the road :-( Anyway, we moved to the farm, I finally got my licence and a car. And I never got better. Have had the licence almost a year now, can drive kids to school and sport, shopping, doctors - I have a comfort zone within 10 km of where I live. When I try to go further, I freak out, get tunnel vision, hyperventilating and it takes up a lot of energy, just thinking of it - even the day before I have butterflies in my stomach and cant sleep from nerves.
Now to my problem. I am married to a man - 9 years - who can do all. He work so hard, never complain and have absolutely no understanding of my problem.
Kids - my kids - is now on school camp, coming home Friday. School organized parents to pick up kids and take them home. A parent called me yesterday, to say she couldnt take my daughter all the way home - she has to be picked up in a rather big city 15 km away. I already feel myself freaking out, and the time out from the kids - and alone time with my husbond - is clouded from the fear as I have to pick her up. My husbond think it is a question of "pulling myself together" - as he always do himself - just "pressuring myself a little" - and "dont think do much".
He does have an oppertunity to go from work, and if I insist - he will do.
But my problem is, that I dont think he - or the general population - take anxiety serious. As I said, I dont feel my anxiety is hounting my life, I have planned around it - but this driving thing is too much for me. And I am hurt, that he thinks it is a question of "pulling myself together".
Any tips or thoughts?

The hard part for me, is the other cars. I have a car with gear, and I was determined to get an automatic. But hard to find in a small car - which ultimately was more important to me. So I have a small car with gear, and I love it. When I drive, i never think of the gear shift - I just do it.
My problem is the other cars, all the signs, all the lanes - I also think my ADHD is being problematic for me; I get "overstimulated" with all the impressions and I cant distinguish important information from non important.
I have a GPS, and use it when I go to new places - within my comfortzone - but really it is all the other cars and road signs I freak about..

The short and less rambling version;

Treat your adhd and your anxiety will improve and so will your driving.

The ADHD makes more sense because pregabalin dampens down your nervous system and anti-psychotics reduce dopamine levels in your brain. But I don't think they're used much for ADHD here. (HAppy to be corrected).

The drugs used here for ADHD are things like methylphenidate (Ritalin)
dexamfetamine and atomoxetine.

I've taken pregabalin and gabapentin for nerve pain and they totally knocked me out. If the side effects are so severe that you end up not taking the drugs, you end up on medication at all.

Were you given these by a GP or psychiatrist? I think it might be worth going to a psychiatrist or a different psychiatrist to get a second opinion on drug options.

Are these really the optimum drugs you can take for ADHD + anxiety? That would be my question to the doctor.

If it makes you feel better I was like this and now I can drive anywhere.

I really think you have an adhd problem not an anxiety problem.

Keep fighting it, but at your own pace, you have come so much further than you ever thought.

I’ve never heard of those drugs being used in the uk for adhd. Methylphenidate is the first line and it’s helpful for a lot of people.

I think it sounds like you are doing really well, and you have a lovely family space. Don’t beat yourself up for not doing everything!

I take Setraline but I don’t have ADHD too. So not comparable.

In the short term I suggest you go with your husband as a passenger and try to focus on routes and signs while you are not driving.

I also suggest a bit of exercise before driving, it’s not as good as the medication, but it is a lot better than nothing. It helps the brain chemicals a bit. A brisk walk for 20 minutes might do it?

I wrote to my doctor and asked to start up on ADHD medicine again.. Hopefully it will help.
I actually have a great life, besides the driving. I work part time from home, picking kids up from school at 3, husbond home every day at 4, finance is good.
I have a son 14 with ADHD - and HE is a piece of work :-) But he is going on boarding school after the summer - totally his choice, not mine - and things are looking brighter.
But I think maby you are all right.. It is not anxiety that is the problem - it is ADHD. And THEN comes the anxiety. So.. Will start up with ADHD medicine again.. (side effect are loss of appetite - totally win win :-)

I wouldn't just start the same medication again without discussion. I would go to a new doctor and discuss all the options.

Apart from anything else you need to find drugs that work for you.

SHAMBU - it makes total sense for me, now, that it is the ADHD. I didnt realize it, before writing here. But it is the overstimulation, which is the ADHD symptom, that makes my anxiety go thru the roof.
I wrote to my doctor - a new, since we moved her a year ago - and I will make an appointment to talk with her.

Excellent - I hope you can find something that works for you.

I would def talk through the choices of medication, and I will say I'm not medically trained, but have worked in mental health for a long time (and am bipolar), and I never heard of depot for anxiety, I always thought that was more your schizophrenia based illnesses.

CBT oil for anxiety maybe could help

poor you, i hope your husband can do it, why don't you drive as close as you can park and get public transport to pick up kids, then take a couple of hours out each week to build on going further distances until they are comfortable. or if that is not viable have you any friends who could drive with you that help you feel calmer.

Can you drive to a train station and take a bus or train into the city. I have a couple of friends who will only drive limited routes so if you are able to do the essentials as you listed in your first post don't think that you need to go outside your comfort zone. There are always alternatives.

You sound lovely OP and im jealous of your life 😊

OP you say you manage your anxiety but you don't, you limit your life to avoid triggers. If this is too much too soon get your DH to pick up, but you need some proper help for yourself, counselling, therapy, meds, a combination of all of the above..

Thank you all - so much - for your kind replies. I have an appointment with doctor, we will look into the ADHD medicine and a psykiatrist.
I will do the medicine and the psykiatrist and enjoy the summer with my family - son is going to boarding school in august :-( - and will see how I am doing with meds, so slowly puch myself a bit further. I have no ambition to go to the capital in rush hour, but would like to be able to drive further. Even as I am annoyed with myself, I am actually also pretty proud of what I have accomplished.. Thank you all so much, again

It sounds as if you've come a long way already. It sounds like the ADHD meds might be really helpful.

Re your anxieties, the worry about being in the wrong lane is something I've dealt with in the past - nowadays if I end up in the wrong lane, going in the wrong direction, I know my SatNav will sort me out which makes me much less worried about it.

The other day, I ended up in the wrong lane of a multi-lane roundabout. I indicated and waited for a space in the traffic as i was going around. Previously, that would have been enough to send me into a panic. But this time I could just wait and see if there was a gap. There was, and all was fine :) But if there hadn't been a space, I'd have just driven off the roundabout in the wrong lane because I knew my SatNav would show me how to get back on track.

Lannie - that would freak me out.. I had a chat with my husbond last night, I told him I was aiming for the possibility to go to the next big city - there is a big mall with different shops; super market, clothes, etc - and I would like to be able to go there. That is my gold. We will practice together. Other than that, I have no ambition. It might be stubbernness - but am 46 years old, we are both used to me not driving, so already I have achieved so much and if I can only go to that city and shop clothes etc for the kids - I am happy. He agreed and said he never wanted me to be the driving champignon, he is used to do the driving - he only pressured me because he thought it helped me! So - still doing the meds and the psykiatrist - but not aiming higher than next big city. (which is really big enough!)
Thank you all again - it is amazing so supportive you all are!