Husbond unfair - or me?

[Evigglad46]

Hi all.. I have a problem, I dont know how to proceed and could use some points of opinion..
I suffer from general anxiety, and pretty much worked my general life out around it, so it does not inflict much on me or my family. I work from home.
But 2 years ago, we decided to move to a farm in the middle of nowhere, school 4 km away and shopping 10 km away. And I needed to get a drivers licence. Absolutely a nightmare! I flunked test 4 times, it cost a fortune. My driving teacher said I was very good at driving, except for my nervousness - which was activated if there was more than 4 cars on the road :-( Anyway, we moved to the farm, I finally got my licence and a car. And I never got better. Have had the licence almost a year now, can drive kids to school and sport, shopping, doctors - I have a comfort zone within 10 km of where I live. When I try to go further, I freak out, get tunnel vision, hyperventilating and it takes up a lot of energy, just thinking of it - even the day before I have butterflies in my stomach and cant sleep from nerves.
Now to my problem. I am married to a man - 9 years - who can do all. He work so hard, never complain and have absolutely no understanding of my problem.
Kids - my kids - is now on school camp, coming home Friday. School organized parents to pick up kids and take them home. A parent called me yesterday, to say she couldnt take my daughter all the way home - she has to be picked up in a rather big city 15 km away. I already feel myself freaking out, and the time out from the kids - and alone time with my husbond - is clouded from the fear as I have to pick her up. My husbond think it is a question of "pulling myself together" - as he always do himself - just "pressuring myself a little" - and "dont think do much".
He does have an oppertunity to go from work, and if I insist - he will do.
But my problem is, that I dont think he - or the general population - take anxiety serious. As I said, I dont feel my anxiety is hounting my life, I have planned around it - but this driving thing is too much for me. And I am hurt, that he thinks it is a question of "pulling myself together".
Any tips or thoughts?

Op I was in a really bad car accident on the motorway a number of years ago (lorry drove into me), and my car spun and flipped upside down landing against a tree with me and two other family members in it.

After this I developed a fear of driving and especially motorways. But I'm a big believer is fighting your fears and you can't get over them unless you come through them.

So I started slowly just driving to places local like my parents house and work. It took me about a year to finally go back onto the motorway (when I finally did the motorway it was actually a spare of the moment 'it's right in front it me' no going back' and I did it.

I struggled with hanging lanes and couldn't merge on I could on go onto the parts of the motorway that you could stay in the same lane the whole way down. Until one day the road was empty and so I changed land and wow I did it. Next time I had a slow driver in front of me and I changed lane again. Next time I decided to merge onto the motorway properly.

You get the picture I am now ok with motorways as I do them everyday and even now when a lorry drives beside me I just breathe and maintain my current driving style. All in all in took me about 4 years to become confident again buI he main point is I didn't give up and pushed myself but by bit. Once you do a route once then you can become more comfortable with it.

One tip: use google maps to memorise where you are going for example I will memorise what the road and area looks like when I need to do a big turn to a destination or google map the best lane to be in and when I should change lane etc and this really really helps if I'm going to a new destination.

You need to focus on your fear and overcome it

Or what about breaking the journey up into, say 3 stages. Stop for a while at each to calm yourself. Get a brew. Meditate etc then carry on

I found breathing properly and having your favourite music on when driving helps

Thanks again all of you..
Mary it was a normal doctor. One medicine is called Pregabalin and one is called Quetiapin - have you any other suggestions?
I have had a psykologist on numerous occastions, it just dont help me.. I can see it all clearly before driving, and I do the mental training - and still freak out.. I am currently looking into the tip of driving to the nearest bus - but Theres only a bus every 3 hours!
Thank you all for your support - it is so nice to read your tricks, tips and your understanding...

I feel your pain. I'm the same. Have done CBT and am on medication.

I manage mostly to live a fair normal existance but within self constructed restraints. Anxiety is horrible, people often think it's the same as being nervous, it's not. I'm able to feel 'normal' nervousness and feel totally fine. Anxiety is irrational and obviously perpetuated by thoughts which feel like we have little control over.

My advice? Either get a low dose of diazepam for a quick fit or do the journey several times, going a little further each time. Create good memories that nothing bad happened each time which you can think about rather than the negative memories popping into your head.

Good luck.

I used to find driving really quite scary (even though I dont suffer from anxiety) and found that changing to automatic has revolutionised everything. Are you driving an automatic? For me, the removal of gears just meant that 100% of my concentration was on the road and the other cars around me. I now merrily drive anywhere and everywhere, places I dont know and for hours and hours. So much easier. Could be worth a try?

You've got to go one way or the other, either get help professionally, or try yourself, slowly and gently but be hard on yourself

You can do it, at the moment your body isn't letting you. Nothing is going to happen and you'll all be fine

If that approach doesn't work please get help as you can't live your life like this

If it is this Friday it may be too late , but I have known people benefit from booking one or two refresher driving lessons when they are are in a new driving situation ( moving to a busy city) or have had an extended period without driving. It’s less pressured than having a, however well meaning, family member sitting next to you and more constructive than just gripping the wheel and panicking.

I think those of us who are confident and experienced drivers can either forget what it was like doing something more challlenging for the first time or just fail to empathise. I have a friend who is confident in all other aspects of her life, happily drives around our busy London suburb but freaks at the thought of driving on the motorway, something that doesn’t worry me at all.

Hi OP, I have quite severe anxiety too though not in relation to driving. I was prescribed pregablin by a psychiatrist for GAD about 3 years ago and it has honestly changed my life. I still get ‘flare ups’ but they are much more manageable now. I also use a lot of self help and CBT techniques.
I don’t recall if I had any major side effects with the pregablin but they must have been manageable as I’m still on it and tbh dread the day I come off them. They have completely transformed my life.

Diazapam is not legal to drive on, where I live.. unfortunately :-)
I am looking up a psykologist. Also, when we go somewhere not too far out of my comfortzone, I will drive with husbond on the passenger seat, from mow on. When he gets home tonight, I will try to drive the route with him. If I freak out, I wont do it Friday, but if I feel it is somewhat manageble, I will practice a few more times and try to do it Friday.
WHY is it so hard for woman? I have never heard a man feel this way. Are they lying? Or do they have so great belief in them selves??

"Feel the fear and do it anyway."

Of course!! Who knew it was SO simple??Decades of fear, anxiety and basic mental torment can be so easily avoided! All you counsellors and therapists will have to go and find something else to do.

Husbond just called from work. He has arranged to pick her up himself, and will take her with him back to work - she loves that - and agreed it would be a good idea if I would drive with him on passenger seat.
So now he suggested we go out to dinner tonight - Im driving! - at a place of my choice.. (local pizzabar sounds nice haha)
I will try to be better. Finding a psykologist - trying beta blockers, will be the driver when we go - a little - further from my comfortzone.
I just cant get rid of the feeling of being stupid, and Im pissed off on myself, for not being brave enough, and be clouded by my feelings of fear..

Surely those are all just possible side effects. Nothing to say you'll definitely get them all

The question for me is why on earth you moved somewhere that makes your life so so difficult.

As I said, I dont feel my anxiety is hounting my life, I have planned around it - but this driving thing is too much for me.

I mean this gently, really I do. It can be very, very difficult for the people around you too. Although you have planned your life around your anxiety, it will have a big impact on those around you. Because you have planned your life around you and your anxiety, others also have to do so, which can cause some issues.

I'm talking from experience here with my mum. I really hope you get the help you need.

Please don’t call yourself stupid, you are nothing of the kind. You have a mental health problem - anxiety - that limits your driving. Would you call yourself stupid if you had a broken leg that affected your ability to drive?
And re your earlier comment, no, it’s not just women. I had a male patient who had a major panic attack right in the middle of a mile long bridge, who froze and couldn’t drive. The cars stuck behind him on the bridge were all hooting, and a driver came up to his car swearing at him. Thankfully, his elderly father was a passenger, and they swapped seats and the dad drove them off the bridge. Anxiety can affect anyone, male or female. I have a male relative who can’t fly because of it.
I’m glad your DH has solved the transport problem for you in the short term, but I think it would be very good for you to re-explore the treatment options with medication and CBT. Good luck, OP, and I hope you find help to manage your condition so it doesn’t cause you such difficulties in future.

I'm puzzled by your medication (caveat - I'm not a doctor, just an anxiety and physical illness veteran). Quetiapin is an antipsychotic used for scizhophrenia and bipolar - do you have other mental health conditions than anxiety?

Pregabalin is for nerve pain, epilepsy and only secondarily anxiety - it's not the go to anxiety treatment in this country.

In the UK you can do an [[https://www.iamroadsmart.com
Advanced Motorist course]] , which is for people who have passed their test but want to improve their skills. It can get you discounts on insurance in some circumstances, looks good on your CV, and may help to build your confidence. I wonder if there's something like that in your country? Or just phone round driving instructors and ask for extra lessons for an anxious driver who wants to improve her skills. Specifically, in case similar situations crop up in future, you could have a few lessons in the town 15km away so that you feel more confident there.

I suffer from anxiety myself and specially regarding driving abroad. It caused me to have an accident, though thankfully nobody was hurt. You can't "pull yourself together" in time for this weekend, but you can plan ahead and build up your skills for next time. Good luck.

To those who ask why we moved here. Actually I did suggest it. For several reasons. For myself first - I get stressed from all the sounds, the people, the cars, the neighbors, the street light - everything! And as I started driving lessons a year before moving, I thought it t be plenty of time - and not being such a big problem for me. My husbond wanted to move - he is a farmer, teaching farming in an agriculture school - sooo needing more garden space. My kids hated their school, wanting to go out of the city. And we all love it! We have 6 acres of wonderfull land - chickens, ducks, 2 cows - and a newborn calf - cats, we have a barn, a staple - we love it! It is cheaper than the house we had before, neighbors in a suiteble distance, we truly are happy here. I never thought this driving would be such a massive problem for me.
I ask my husbond if he think my anxiety affect family much - and he say no, besides the driving. He knew I was vary of going out when dark, where we lived before - now, here, in the middle of nowhere (where it REALLY get dark at night!) - I really dont care. I em never nervous being here by myself. If anything, he say - beside the driving - I am better functioning here. I go to school meetings etc, by myself (never did before, always had him to come) and he think I am overall, much more happy here, and I agree. JUST the stupid driving. And a part of me think - if I can get kids to school, sport, doctors, do the shopping and the play dates - it has to be enough. I NEVER thought I would learn to drive - so maby I should settle where I am, getting ambition down, and say fuck it. This is what I can do! My husbond had to to a lot more driving for us all, before we moved here - and I am tired of developing, tired of not being enough.. WIll still do the driving with husbond on the side, still se a psykologist and still try the beta blockers - but I already accomplich so much and I am tired of not being enough...

Many of you comment of the medicine I had - what names are your medicine ? I also looked my medicine up, before taking it, and I read the same. I am not bipolar, or schizofrene - I have general anxiety and ADHD. So please - what is your medicine?

Glad it is sorted for Friday. I do want to say though this is something you need to try and get a handle on and I say this as someone with anxiety who learned to drive as an adult with a toddler and a baby to drive around.
My mum was also late to driving and had her comfort zone too. She would get my dad to drive further afield than her little circuit. That was fine until my dad had a heart attack and was moved from the local hospital to one 125 miles away for his bypass surgery. She was suddenly in a position where she had to do that drive alone and with no choice. She also had to take my dad home again while having the added stress and worry about my dad’s health. It really would be a benefit to everyone in the long run if you edged your way out gradually. You may never love doing it but getting to a stage where you can just get on and manage it will make you feel such a sense of achievement.

Which part of driving in a new area do you find stressful, specifically?

I used to find navigating a new area hugely stressful, to the point that I was in tears more than once when I went the wrong way and got lost. I used to hate driving to new areas. Getting a SatNav changed everything for me. Now I don't need to worry about directions at all - if I make a wrong turn, the SatNav figures out the adjustment for me - and I can concentrate solely on my driving.

Similarly, with an automatic as a PP said upthread. They're so much easier than geared cars, that you can pretty much forget about the car (gears etc), and concentrate on what's going on around you.

OP - I have general anxiety and take Citalopram. It's also used as an anti-depressant I believe. I think it's quite a common one tbh although I have seen others mentioned on here.

The side effects when you first take Citalopram are awful, but it doesn't last long and it's worth pushing through.

Try hypnotherapy

I agree with Noboozeforme anxiety bloody sucks. It's weird because for some genuinely stressful live events I've had a totally proportional, if not a calm response then something supposedly trivial can have me in an absolute panic for weeks. You have my sympathy.

Are you taking medication for the adhd? I think you should get that sorted first, then your anxiety with be better anyway becuase untreated adhd can make you anxious.

Are you able to try methylphenidate for adhd? It makes my driving better which is less overwhelming. I think you are getting anxious because of getting overwhelmed (what you said about more than 4 cars and your comfort zone) which is the adhd.

It’s sensible to be anxious about driving with adhd in a way, becuase it is more difficult for us than for a person without this problem.

Do you have a sat nav? I find it helpful so navigation is one less thing to worry about.

There are support groups online for adhd and I think talking to others with the same issues (hyper sensitive to noise etc) might make you feel better.