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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not look after 3 kids by myself.

94 replies

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 11:27

I don't think I am, but before I say no to DH I want to mumsnet opinion. So far only texts with DH re the issue, and it's hard to get subtleties with text so I'm not yet sure if he's asking.

Ages ago DH and I agreed to have sister kids (8 and 8months) for a weekend so that she could attend a competition with her DP (it's a prestigious invitational and not suitable for children). It's in 3 weeks. Today DH has found out that a conference he wants to go to is also on that weekend. The date has only just been released. He's annoyed as he can no longer go. His messages seem to be suggesting he wants me to offer to have the kids (inc our DS2.5) all weekend by myself. Which I might be inclined to do, if a) I wouldn't be 8 weeks pregnant at the time (and last pregnancy at 8 weeks my IBS was so bad they thought I was having an ectopic) and b) I hadn't had DS all weekend this weekend, last weekend and next weekend (a mix of work and hobby for DH) and I wasn't having DS for a long weekend whilst DH goes on a stag do abroad in summer.

They are good kids, but I'm already exhausted and morning sickness will kick in soon (or it could be worse), I work full time so there's no chance of a rest in the week either.

He doesn't have to go to the conference and there's no ramifications if he doesn't.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 29/05/2018 12:19

Yeah agree with PPs, if it were a one off thing I'd say YABU but because he's leaving you mind kids so many weekends in a row then I think he's being unfair and selfish

cornishstripes · 29/05/2018 12:21

what reanimatedSGB said - he shouldn't have asked because he's had more than his fair whack recently and you're in the tough first trimester.

Firmly point out he's BU.

Your sis also owes you one for taking an 8 month old when you're in the first trimester btw.

Bexter801 · 29/05/2018 12:21

@bobstersmum purely out of curiosity,why do you think op should honour it?

WhiteFreesias · 29/05/2018 12:25

"What a shame".

It doesn't matter if it's doable, it's unreasonable. I'd also be taking time out for hobbies and a weekend away.

LoveInTokyo · 29/05/2018 12:29

Seriously OP, I think he is fibbing there.

No one organises a conference on three weeks' notice. No one would go.

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:30

bobstersmum honor what? I have at no point suggested we don't have them. To me the only option should be that DH doesn't go tot he confernece - it isn't booked, he has only just found out about it and I hadn't agreed to him going!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:31

cornishstripes my sister has no idea and won't have any idea. We don't have that sort of relationship.

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 29/05/2018 12:32

So you're pregnant, and by your own admission not as good with kids as your DH... it sounds to me like you were volunteering your DH to look after the children rather than offering yourself.

The fact that he's had some time recently to do his own things doesn't really give the OP the right to offer him as a babysitter.

Not wanting him to go to the conference because she wants some help with feeling shit or some time off herself or just time together as a family is one thing. But not wanting him to go because you've signed him up to a babysitting job that you're not capable of doing yourself is a bit shit.

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:38

MilkTwoSugarsThanks In earlier posts:

DSis asked both of us, together, we both said yes
she asked ages ago (before we were even considering the possibility of ttc)

OP posts:

cornishstripes · 29/05/2018 12:39

wow - i'm amazed by some of the heartless suck it up comments. There's no finesse to this - you're in the first trimester, he's had a lot of time off, this conference at short notice is just not going to happen.

I also don't get where Op has offered her DH up as a babysitter, - they're a family, presumably, as a family they were all going to spend time with the 2 kids...

wellthis, i hope when the penny drops when you announce the baby your sister says something..she's lucky to have someone take her 8 month old for a weekend.

SomeKnobend · 29/05/2018 12:40

Sounds like your dh is taking the piss and thinks being at home with you on weekends is only for when he can't find something better to do.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 29/05/2018 12:44

Tbf OP, your post says he was there not whether he had any input or not. So I'll ask again - Did he agree or did he just not comment?

If he agreed, said yes that's fine, took it on as a joint decision then of course he shouldn't go. And to be perfectly honest, even if he didn't agree I'd probably try my hardest to persuade him nicely not to BUT I'd be more understanding of him being pissed off.

Cornishclio · 29/05/2018 12:46

YANBU. Your DH hasn't helped you last weekend or the weekend before and wants next weekend off as well as the weekend you both committed to for babysitting your kids. I would be telling him he can't go to the conference and will be having your DS solo the weekend between his work/hobby weekend off and having your sisters kids.

He doesn't sound like he is very committed to parenthood or supportive to you. He may be good with kids when he is available to look after them but sounds like a rubbish husband.

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:47

MilkTwoSugarsThanks yes he agreed. In his very blase, I haven't really considered what this means way, but that's what he always does (and then follows through with what ever he agreed and vows to himself not to agree to something with little thought again) we checked the family diary and the weekend was free so we agreed.

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 29/05/2018 12:48

@cornishstripes - the OP states that her DH is better with children than she is. Generally in life the person who's better at a job does the bulk of it whether it is intentional or not.

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:48

Cornishclio next weekend is mostly work related (extra cash doing exam marking) so I'm ok with that. But when he agrees to do that THEN also agrees to go off on his hobby, that's when I get annoyed!

OP posts:

Dancingmonkey87 · 29/05/2018 12:49

To be honest if one of my siblings asked me to babysit and I agreed I wouldn’t expect my dh to have to stay would be different if it was his sister.

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:50

Milkandtwosugarsplease he's better at entertaining them and talking to them. I do the bulk of the organizing, meal prep, feeding them and we'd take a bedtime each. I'm better with baby's so he'd field the 8yo, I'd do the baby and we'd tag team DS.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:53

I'm really not sure what difference whose sister it is?! I get why it's important who agreed (answer: both of us) but not whose sister.

OP posts:

cornishstripes · 29/05/2018 12:54

whatever the division of labour is, surely you agree and do things as a family? If I was looking after DN on either side, if we both agreed to it we would both be around, I don't see why it'd follow that the primary relation rather than the in-law is the one that is on the hook, and there are also special circumstances here!

It's not a situation that's ever cropped up for us - I'd like to adopt a sibling i could swap weekend childcare with :)

wellthis hope you've got what you need to say a firm no to your DH this evening

DarlingNikita · 29/05/2018 12:59

I'm really not sure what difference whose sister it is?! I get why it's important who agreed (answer: both of us) but not whose sister.

I do tend to agree that the responsibility is slightly different depending on what family member it is. For example, we're having DP's sister and niece to stay overnight soon. Of course he asked me if it was OK before he invited them, but he will largely be sorting out meeting them at the station/washing bedding for them/making sure they're fed etc. Vice versa if it's a family member of mine staying.

Having said all that, I think YANBU as a) it's bad timing with your pregnancy and b) it sounds as though he gets plenty of time not just for work but for hobbies too. I think it's time he stepped up a bit while you're below par and need support.

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 13:03

DarlingNikita I sort of get that in that situation, if DH has invited them, but in this instance DSis asked us both and we both agreed. Similarly if DSIL asked me something and I agreed I wouldn't expect DH to do it just because she's his sister, and is my sister asked DH to do something, I'd be pissed off if he then expected me to do it because she's my sister.

OP posts:

user1471459936 · 29/05/2018 13:04

You've said it's not an important conference. He should definitely stay home. You'll be bloody knackered with morning sickness etc.

HRoosevelt · 29/05/2018 13:08

Any other solution? Can you throw money at it? Get a babysitter a couple of hours each day to run them around in the park then they can just veg the rest of the time? Any supervised activities you can stick them in?

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 13:10

HRoosevelt if they were my kids I might do that. But if I asked someone to look after my kids and they left them with a paid stranger, I think I'd be annoyed. The 8 yo could go to a supervised activity, but she's the least difficult one anyway!

OP posts:

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