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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not look after 3 kids by myself.

94 replies

Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 11:27

I don't think I am, but before I say no to DH I want to mumsnet opinion. So far only texts with DH re the issue, and it's hard to get subtleties with text so I'm not yet sure if he's asking.

Ages ago DH and I agreed to have sister kids (8 and 8months) for a weekend so that she could attend a competition with her DP (it's a prestigious invitational and not suitable for children). It's in 3 weeks. Today DH has found out that a conference he wants to go to is also on that weekend. The date has only just been released. He's annoyed as he can no longer go. His messages seem to be suggesting he wants me to offer to have the kids (inc our DS2.5) all weekend by myself. Which I might be inclined to do, if a) I wouldn't be 8 weeks pregnant at the time (and last pregnancy at 8 weeks my IBS was so bad they thought I was having an ectopic) and b) I hadn't had DS all weekend this weekend, last weekend and next weekend (a mix of work and hobby for DH) and I wasn't having DS for a long weekend whilst DH goes on a stag do abroad in summer.

They are good kids, but I'm already exhausted and morning sickness will kick in soon (or it could be worse), I work full time so there's no chance of a rest in the week either.

He doesn't have to go to the conference and there's no ramifications if he doesn't.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
GreenMeerkat · 29/05/2018 11:57

Did you discuss with your DH before agreeing to the arrangement with your sister? If so, and he agreed to be there to help then YANBU. He made a commitment and should stick to it.

If you did not discuss with DH first then I'd say you are being a little unreasonable but I can see why you wouldn't want to look after 3 kids at 8 weeks pregnant alone for an entire weekend!

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 11:58

Boredandtired it's my sister, but I'm not sure why that makes a difference?

We've had him a few times before, and he is much easier than my DS was as a baby (he takes a bottle and actually sleeps in his own bed!) but now he's mobile, it's a bit nuts.

If they were all my children this would not be an issue. But I'll never have three kids and be pregnant with a 4th! That's bonkers! (I'm 1 of 5 Grin )

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/05/2018 11:59

If this conference had fallen on the stag weekend, presumably your DH would have declined due to having a prior commitment

I really would ask him this question.

Myotherusernameisbest · 29/05/2018 12:00

If you've already agreed to have them it would be a bit off to back out last minute. How is this pregnancy going? Are there signs already it will be the same as the last one? (congrats by the way!) If you really dont think you can cope ask him not to go, you are not unreasonable if thats the case. Is it far away? could he go with the understanding he comes straight back if you start to feel unwell or can't cope?

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:00

Greenmeercat sister asked DH and I together, he was present at the asking and deciding. But the conference date wasn't set then. He's always happy to have them, he's great with kids (I am not).

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 29/05/2018 12:01

YANBU and your husband is being a selfish twat.

mindutopia · 29/05/2018 12:01

I think he needs to choose what he wants to do. I don’t think it’s fair to work on weekends, do a hobby, go to a stag do and a non-necessary conference. He has to pick what he can commit to and honour existing commitments. Given he already made the commitment to helping family, he probably has to keep that. Frankly if you’ve never tried to get a toddler and a baby both bathed and to bed before, I would not have your first go at it be when you are alone without reinforcements and suffering through first trimester! We have a 5 year old and a 3 month old and my dh is away for work this week (and it’s half term!). Bedtime the past 2 nights on my own has been a totally new level of hell I didn’t know was possible! I think he has to keep his existing commitments and support you unless this conference truly is mandatory. If he needs to go, then other weekend commitments need to go to free up time for you to take care of yourself in the next few weeks.

Furano · 29/05/2018 12:03

Well I guess DH will have o decide if he wants to sacrifice his hobby weekend and stag do, or the conference. Because for me it would be one or the other!

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 29/05/2018 12:04

As long as you were both involved in the original offer to have DSis’ kids then you’re both responsible for looking after them.

Yes people with 3 DCs do it single handedly all the time (I’m on of them!) but looking after your own DCs is a world away from someone else’s.

In the early days with DP he agreed to look after his DNieces for the day, then brought them round to my house on my kid free day as it was obviously more work than he’d expected! Had he buggered off to a conference and left me to it he would have got very short shrift!

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:04

Myotherusernameisbest I won't be backing out, that'd be really unfair on my sister, he's either not going or I'm flying solo. It's 3.5 hours drive away and he's going with others, so not driving himself. Coming back would be difficult.

Pregnancy seems same as last time, already had some pain.

OP posts:
Bluesmartiesarebest · 29/05/2018 12:06

YANBU

It’s ok to say no I need you to be here this weekend.

LoveInTokyo · 29/05/2018 12:07

OP I am also dubious about the date of this conference "only just having been released". I smell bullshit there.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 29/05/2018 12:07

Also agree that 8 month olds are hard work - especially when you’re not their mum - and that if it had been the stag weekend he’d have happily missed the conference so I’m sure he can see that it isn’t that important.

Boredandtired · 29/05/2018 12:07

@wellthisisunexpected well if you regularly have the children and they know you it's a very different set up to anything I've experienced. I genuine would never even ask anyone to have an 8 month old for a night, far less a weekend as it's just not something I would ever do or expect anyone else to do. I have more than 4 and my husbands work is weekends and evenings (bedtimes 🙄) and I'm 7 months pregnant with spd so I would definitely not do it for anyone but my own kids. And it is hard work.
I asked if it was his sister of yours because (perhaps a family thing) but if it was his sister I would definitely expect him to be a part of that arrangement. But if I offered to help my own sister out I wouldn't expect my husband to help me if you see what I mean.
I guess it comes back to the original arrangement, was it a plan you made together, to both have the kids or not?

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:08

Bluesmartiesarebest that's what I needed to hear. I'm terrible at putting my own needs first. Ended up with awful PND after DS and kept saying yes to whatever people ask. I need to put my needs first for a change.

OP posts:
Ohmydayslove · 29/05/2018 12:08

He’s a selfish arse op. He made the commitment to help and he can’t go to the conference. He got you pregnant so should step up.

He’s dissapointed so what? Is he 7??? Tell him he’s helping you and that’s that.

Honestly I couldn’t be doing with a man child like this.

Bexter801 · 29/05/2018 12:09

To be honest I don't think he should have even mentioned it,maybe in passing...but besides that,there's no question he should stick to being there helping out at the weekend. You probably wouldn't have said yes to your sister,had you thought you'd have to try manage it all alone.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 29/05/2018 12:09

Op, I have 3 kids and manage on my own quite well! However would I want to look after multiple children who are not my own? Not really, it is harder! YANBU. It is your choice! You should only do what you are comfortable with.

Eastcoastmost · 29/05/2018 12:11

Just say no. Sounds like you’re already put upon.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 29/05/2018 12:11

Did your DH agree or did he just not comment?

My DH could arrange to have whichever kids he wanted - I still wouldn't be helping.

Original poster
Wellthisunexpected · 29/05/2018 12:12

LoveInTokyo I have no idea, but he's been looking out for it, so if it was available at the time of us agreeing to have them he'd have said.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 29/05/2018 12:14

He needs to put you ahead of himself, and stay home to help you. He's had enough leisure time lately, and you are not operating at your full strength. It really is that simple (but men are more likely than women to need it firmly pointing out to them that sometimes someone else's needs take priority.)

Boredandtired · 29/05/2018 12:14

If you both agreed to have the children then you are not being unreasonable to say no to the conference, if you agreed to have the children and just told him they were coming that would be different. Regardless of pregnancy etc. In that circumstance you should go back to your sister and explain it's too much for you and DH is away.

Ohmydayslove · 29/05/2018 12:16

Even without the babysitting he shouldn’t be going to a conference he doesn’t need to
When you are pregnant and feeling unwell let alone with the other kids added on.

bobstersmum · 29/05/2018 12:18

It won't be easy for you but I think you should honour it. You'll survive!