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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My sister and Mum are trying to take over

55 replies

yelloh · 29/05/2018 09:15

My Mum has just bought a house and has been staying with my sister (no dc) until the final arrangements are made, whenever I take my DS round they pick at everything I do and try to take over.
When DS was 3mo he was very big for his age and he drank a lot of formula, my sister kept insisting I needed to give him solids because the formula clearly wasn't filling him. When I said that he was fine and that he wasn't old enough to be weened she literally laughed in my face. She said that I didn't know what I was doing because I'm a ftm and that I was going by the book. I insisted that he was too young. A few days later I had to leave DS with her because I had to go to a work event with DP I came back to find that she has fed DS baby rice, twice in the space of a few hours. My Mum had also gone out and bought me boxes of baby rice and weetabix and said 'he loves it he's clearly ready to be weened, you need to start feeding him before all his naps'. I took him home and he threw up. Safe to say I waited a month and half before weening.
They also take him off of me whenever he falls asleep (he naps in my arms and co sleeps) and try putting him down in bed and it wakes him up every time and makes him cranky and even more difficult to get back to sleep. They're both insistent that me not putting him down to sleep is the reason he still wakes up for night feeds.
They even gave him cows milk whilst I was walking to the shop to buy some formula the other day, he also threw up after that. These are just few examples but it feels they're trying to take over and make me feels like I don't know what I'm doing.
It's making me not want to go round and see them anymore but they're great with DS when it comes to playing and things and he loves it there so I don't just want to stop going.
They say they're just helping so Aibu? Or do I need to try and approach the issue somehow?

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 29/05/2018 09:19

They’re not helping. They’re not respecting your decisions as a mother and trying to undermine you. And worse, they’re using amount dated advice! I would visit a lot less and don’t leave your child with them. Theyve proved they won’t listen to you or respect your perfectly valid choices.

DuchyDuke · 29/05/2018 09:19

They seem a bit over involved. I would pause visits for a while.

ChasedByBees · 29/05/2018 09:19

amount dated = out dated

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 29/05/2018 09:19

Seriously I would avoid for a few days, tell them you are concentrating on getting dc into a routine - then tell them what that is next time, remove him from them whenever they aren't sticking to YOUR routine.
You are allowed to do this!!

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 29/05/2018 09:20

They have actively caused your child to be sick because they would rather force their own ideas than listen to you, his mum.

I wouldn't take him round. I'm assuming he is between 6mth and a year now? He won't really care where he is, he won't remember if you stop taking him. If they complain or demand to know why you haven't been round just say you have been busy, had plans etc if you don't feel like arguing about their actions.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2018 09:21

You need to be more direct.

Your holding the baby, he's asleep, they try to take him. Hold him in such a way that you can lock you arms around him. When they go to take him say no clearly. "No Suster, I'm fine". If they are going to physically pull him from your and and wake him up, get up and leave. No big drama just a simple "right, we're going to head off then so he can sleep how I choose to let him"

If you don't trust them to look after him alone simply don't leave him. Warren they question it say because every time I do you feed him something ive asked you not and then he throws up. It isn't fair on him

Windydayz · 29/05/2018 09:22

You need to put your foot down. I couldn't bear this.

AlpacaLypse · 29/05/2018 09:23

This is absolutely unacceptable. It's lovely that they play with him but you mustn't leave him alone with them as they'll try and feed him on advice from the 1950's again.

Do they actually grab him from your arms while he's asleep!?

FizzyGreenWater · 29/05/2018 09:23

It's making me not want to go round and see them anymore

yes, and you need them to see that... because they won't want that to happen so you need to STOP GOING, and when they ask tell them. It's because you take over and I hate it, I can really only manage every now and again.

but they're great with DS when it comes to playing and things and he loves it there so I don't just want to stop going.

but hopfeully you only need to stop going for long enough to make your point and get them to back off. Of course you don't want to cut them out. But if you let it go, it's going to get worse and worse as he gets older. Bite the bullet and set boundaries now, and hopefully you'll be able to sort it.

Feeding your child against your wishes is appalling behaviour. I would go no contact for that in an instant, as I really would not be able to handle being around two people who clearly had no resepct for me at all. They NEED to know this and get the message that they either back right off and stop taking over with someone else's child or that someone else will find less stressful company.

Takeoutyourhen · 29/05/2018 09:30

You need to make yourself absolutely clear and say No. Repeat when necessary, be firm and if they continue, take a break from seeing them for a bit.
My childless sister repeats everything my mum. I'm looking forward to her trying to make her own informed decisions in the future. She may realise that not every child should be dry in the day by 12 months!

DiddimusStench · 29/05/2018 09:35

I’m skipping the comments so apologies if this has already been said (although it wouldn’t hurt to have this said to you multiple times)

They have done things that made your child unwell. Their actions made him vomit. Why are you allowing them time to do this? At the very least it should be supervised contact only.

ElspethFlashman · 29/05/2018 09:37

You need to start being less available. Just be busier. Make stuff up. "Sorry, can't come around today, I promised I'd help X with her computer/phone/tax"

"Sorry, have to do big shop today"

"Sorry, I have cramps"

They may be good with him but you have to reinforce the message that YOU are the gatekeeper and they can't just see him automatically, like they have won visitation rights in a custody battle.

I have a childless sibling who tries to pull this. I don't go over that much. I constantly offer for them to come over to mine though. It changes the dynamic when they're on your turf and of course its much much easier for them to travel (if they have a car) as they can be spontaneous, unlike me. And in my house I have control.

Loonoon · 29/05/2018 09:39

They are pushy and interfering. Stay away for a while. Tell them you are working out your own way of bringing up your child and will be in touch when they can respect that. Then concentrate on him and you.

Haudyerwheesht · 29/05/2018 09:40

You need to step up a bit and stand up to them I’m afraid. You’re his mum so stop letting them over rule you and I wouldn’t use them for child care AT ALL.

Dragongirl10 · 29/05/2018 09:51

Op please grow up a bit and just speak to them!

Don't do the excuses some are saying , just calmly and firmly tell them that you love bringing him around and love the way they play with him, but it is non negotiable to overide your wishes, and you are sure they can understand you are his mum and WILL decide how things are done.

Say it with a smile and just repeat as necessary.Don't use them as childcare though unless you are sure they have changed.

Spam88 · 29/05/2018 09:53

Do not leave him unsupervised with him. When they go to take him from your arms, just say no. If you can't do those things then you need to just stop going round.

Trooperslane2 · 29/05/2018 09:58

Telling the OP to grow up is a bit harsh.

She's struggling - and it's a difficult time and really hard work - as a FTM at the grand old age of 40 I had the same pressure in parts from my own DM - e.g. insisting that she "taught" me how to breast feed dsis and me were NEVER breast fed so how the fuck she was going to do that I have no idea

OP - YOU are his Mum.
YOU will always know better than anyone else in the world living or dead what is best for him and what he needs

YOU are in charge - not your Mum, certainly not your sister (who sounds delightful BTW).

I did read somewhere about the change in family dynamics when a new baby is born - the shift that means you aren't the 'baby' any more and your Mum isn't the only Mum - and it can send people a bit crazy.

If your DM and Dsis are usually ok, maybe this?

AjasLipstick · 29/05/2018 09:59

I had to give my MIL a clear message for similar behaviour....I stopped visiting. And when she wanted to visit, I would immediately go out.

It seems harsh but she would do the same things and also covered DD in baby powder despite DH and I telling her not to.

notanurse2017 · 29/05/2018 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eeeeek2 · 29/05/2018 10:02

Does his waking up at night have any affect on them? I doubt it, so they get no say in whether you hold him whilst he naps.

If they say/try to feed him rice or cows milk then tell them that he vomited it all up, so he might of ate/drank it but he obviously wasn't ready for it.

Mum you had your chance to parent, this is my go and I'm going to decide how I'm going to do it. Repeat repeat repeat

AllMYSmellySocks · 29/05/2018 10:02

Definitely stop leaving DS with them. I know it's difficult but try to hold your ground. If necessary think of some prepared dismissive phrases to use when they tell you what to do (e.g. "that's interesting I'll keep it in mind"), don't even engage in them enough to argue.

Lweji · 29/05/2018 10:07

If you need to leave DS with them tell them it's your rules or you'll stop visiting.
Same as overruling you while you're there. Tell them that you increasingly feel unwelcome or uneasy there.
Then, really, don't go as often.

HeebieJeebies456 · 29/05/2018 10:09

not only do they undermine you as a parent but they've made your baby sick-at least twice!
clearly they don't know jack shit despite claiming to have more experience ....

i'dhave gone batshit on them after the first time they made your baby vomit - what if he choked on the food or ended up in hospital due to their stupidity? (angry)

stand up to them, take back your power as a parent and don't let them bully you.
if anyone dared to take my baby out of my arms i'd be telling them very bluntly to fuck off

merville · 29/05/2018 10:20

The current advice for weaning is absolute min. 17 weeks on medical advice. If not on advice it's supposed to be 6 months (which I personally find a bit long but ...). Apparently they can't digest properly before around 17 weeks.
That's WHO & nhs advice - the advice was 3 months for a long time but that has changed (about 6/7 yrs ago I think). Some women who had babies during the 3 month weaning advice period just can't get their heads around it and are fixated on 3 months ... it's no longer 3 months, it hasn't been for quite some time.

It's your decision, not theirs .. and you were being responsible.

Cow's milk - again advice is not til 6 months or more. Again, there's an issue with digestion and I read something about the potential for microscopic intestinal bleeding. I'd given mine a small amount of cow's milk before I knew when I got caught out without formula once and when I checked up and read that I was a bit perturbed and didn't think it was worth the risk for another couple of months.

They're being irresponsible and very very overbearing/disrespectful.

VivaKondo · 29/05/2018 10:22

Don’t let them alone with your baby until you are sure they wont be doing something you dint agree with (eg he is fully weaned)
Become a broken record for the rest (like the sleep issue).

Fwiw my children are old enough that the advice was to wean at 16 weeks. One of them has suffered from that, so I wiosnt get my knickers in a twist about it. HOWEVER, I would have a massive issue of them doing something I specifically told them not to do! Regardless of whether there is a guidelines supporting my wishes or not.

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